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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to ask... what do SAHMs do all day?

396 replies

PoppyAmex · 11/12/2011 16:39

I'm pregnant with my first child and was recently speaking to a friend about SAHMs and I mentioned I've been reading so many threads here about how some feel their work at home isn't valued by husbands / partners / people in general.

Following up on this conversation, my friend (a mum of 3) sent me the text below and I thought I'd share as I found it amusing. Maybe a good strategy for women complaining about the same problem?

"A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?' She again smiled and answered, 'You know how every day when you come home from work you ask me what in the world I do all day?' 'Yes,' was his incredulous reply. She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.'"

OP posts:
Annakin31 · 12/12/2011 14:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NinkyNonker · 12/12/2011 14:07

Absolutely. I don't justify my choice to anyone, never been asked to to be honest. I SAHM as it is best for our family, that's pretty much it.

OhdearNigel · 12/12/2011 14:09

Our office manager is a "wohm" with a daughter at school. She also manages to be a SAHM as she gets away with about 6 months of the year off sick for dubious reasons. Now that really is having your cake and eating it.

jellybeans · 12/12/2011 14:11

'Why can't we celebrate each other's choices instead of argue which is better? Everyone's different and what works for one family doesn't mean it works for the other.'
Agreed.

Ragwort · 12/12/2011 15:48

Well said NinkyNonker - no one should have to justify their choice to anyone else, it's the scathing tone of the 'what do SAHMs do all day?' question that I object to - as if all SAHMs sit inside their four walls all day and never go out. As others have said, not everyone has high powered, exciting, intellectually stimulating careers - in many jobs you can't even use your own initiative - so where's the 'brain food' in that?

Over the last few years since leaving work I have been involved in many, many projects that have necessitated me using all my 'business and professional' skills - in a voluntary capacity, and it all involves lots of 'brain food' Grin.

teacoupons · 12/12/2011 15:57

I found being a SAHM quite boring with one newborn. I read a lot, studied, surfed the internet, watched films etc a lot. I lived in a tiny flat so it wasn't much to clean.

I find being a SAHM to two DC's more challenging. I clean an hour every day, cook dinner, do washing, do the school run, study, play with them, teach them etc. Some days are more boring than others and sometimes time drags on and on but I love it and feel I have no time to myself. Things definitely wouldn't get done without me.

FuckingWonderwoman · 12/12/2011 19:54

Soupy, thanks. I was quite impressed with myself too.

Apart from my lovely louche friends, the majority of SAHMs I've met through the school have been downright bitchy to me as a WOHM. I've:

Been asked (several times by various people) why I had children if I was only going to give them to someone else to bring up.

Been asked why I didn't marry someone who was able to support me (hello 1950s)

Had surprised expressed that my house was clean and tidy (after an unauthorised tour of the house).

Been ignored - completely ignored - at the school gate "because we thought you were the nanny."

I could go on...

suntansue · 12/12/2011 20:40

Due to work commitments I missed ds1 first steps and I was gutted, give up work until ds2 started school and then they wouldn't let me book a holiday to go to the Christmas plays :( so I decided I couldn't miss these things and handed in my notice, Ive not missed anything since and I could never work for someone else again because your just a number to them, family means nothing to themAngry
I do run a small business from home though so i can give myself as much time off as I need nowWink

callmemrs · 12/12/2011 20:51

There are many more steps after that first one...

Disagree that all employers treat employees as just a number. I am quite happy to agree to people in my team having reasonable time off for school plays etc. Usually if people are really good at their job, the employer will be more keen to keep them on side

Whatmeworry · 12/12/2011 20:56

It all depens on (i) how many kids, (ii) how old they are and (iii) if the tennis coach is fit or not :o

prizeelliott · 12/12/2011 22:57

I remember thinking when I was full time sahm that I never had a minute to myself, I was continuously on the go and that life was lovely but rediculously busy. I now work 3 days (with the paperwork and prep of 5, governors etc ect) and guess what.... I still have to do everything that I did before as well.

This is the problem we have...generally however the family is organised, who does what and where...the women end up with the lions share of the domestic chores, organising kids (3 under 4), and generally being the glue that holds everything together!

Stop the bus I want to get off!!

Wine
jellybeans · 13/12/2011 23:22

'Due to work commitments I missed ds1 first steps and I was gutted, give up work until ds2 started school and then they wouldn't let me book a holiday to go to the Christmas plays so I decided I couldn't miss these things and handed in my notice, Ive not missed anything since and I could never work for someone else again because your just a number to them, family means nothing to them '

I agree suntansue and was in a simelar position about missing things. I feel alot closer to my kids now and less stressed out. I think if you want to work or have to then that is fine but it is also fine to be full time carer of your young DC!

scottishmummy · 13/12/2011 23:31

I'm not compelled to work,I chose work
did I miss some stuff aye? doesn't make me negligent.they loved mrs hannigans day care orphanage...really.as stff I pay tell me

I want to contribute in children's upbringing and demonstrably mum works

callmemrs · 14/12/2011 07:09

Actually I always worked and didn't miss my childrens first steps. (smug emoticon!!)

Oh hang on- I guess it's possible that dd had taken her first first step seconds before when I was out in the kitchen for a moment!! Good job it's made absolutely no difference to me, or more importantly, her!!!

SecretSanta233 · 14/12/2011 07:26

And here we go again, same old defensive language. Bit laughable really.

callmemrs · 14/12/2011 07:34

Erm... I think Scottishmummy does irony. Don't think she needs to defend herself at all!

BsshBossh · 14/12/2011 09:26

callmemrs, me too - I worked FT during DD's first 2.5 years and by sheer good fortune she saved her first steps and her first wee in a potty for me. She had the good grace to do both on the weekend Grin.

pommedenoel · 14/12/2011 09:35

DD did her first steps during my maternity leave in the evening for her dad when I was upstairs.

Being at home doesn't guarantee you get the 'firsts'!

She did her first bloody smile for him too when I was downstairs.

Kikithecat · 14/12/2011 09:48

Haven't been able to get through all 12 pages, but in case it hasn't been said before, not all working women are lucky enough to have stimulating and challenging jobs to act as 'brain food'. I suspect a lot would find being a SAHM more interesting and rewarding than stacking supermarket shelves, filing papers or perhaps being a cleaner for some lucky lady who goes out to a highly paid and respected job.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 14/12/2011 09:53

I suspect a lot would find being a SAHM more interesting and rewarding than stacking supermarket shelves, filing papers or perhaps being a cleaner for some lucky lady who goes out to a highly paid and respected job.

Why are these the only choices for a working ma??

Kikithecat · 14/12/2011 10:04

I didn't say they were the only choices. The point I was making was that not everyone has a challenging and interesting job so working per se does not necessarily give you the mental stimulation you need.

SantaBurntHisToffeeArse · 14/12/2011 10:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

NormanTebbit · 14/12/2011 11:13

I'm very fortunate to be able to work. There are many struggling families who cannot find work/ affordable childcare. It really is tough out there at the moment.

I am exhausted all the time, working 18 hours a week, mainly nightshift and looking after three children. Also studying for a second degree so that hopefully I don't have to do this job for the rest of my life.

Sometimes I read mumsnet and I feel like society really has stratified between the 'haves' and 'have nots.' I see some families who seem untouched by recession. There is no significant impact on their lifestyles at all and others, like us, who are facing a really financially testing few years.

In an ideal world, I would be a SAHM mum studying and have enough money to buy a new winter coat or some wellies for myself, perhaps a second pair of jeans.

The notion of 'choice' between working or not (sometimes you can't afford towork is a luxury that most people do not have.

callmemrs · 14/12/2011 11:17

Yes. Obviously the fewer choices available to you, the less control you have over your decisions- Thats simple logic.
I think the future is going to be tough enough for our children, which is why I'm doing everything possible to encourage my son and daughter to gain qualifications and skills which will be marketable as well as enjoyable. I will also encourage them to think carefully about where they locate themselves as scarcity of work' is a big problem in some areas. Obviously there are no guarantees but I'm certainly going to encourage them to think about these issues

DoesNotGiveAFig · 14/12/2011 11:23

Ah, I see. It read to me that those were the only job options aside from SAHParenting! Confused