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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think that this mum was wrong?

176 replies

HappyJoyful · 10/12/2011 22:34

My friend and I have very different parenting styles (she's all about child-led/attachment parenting and I certainly don't take this stance!).. especially when she announces today that she wont be 'doing the whole Father Christmas thing' as she doesn't think she should make up these things and in-effect 'lie' to her DD. I suggested well some lies aren't 'bad' lies and surely she should indulge the child in this long standing tradition...

OP posts:

NotADudeExactly · 11/12/2011 20:01

Santaphiliacs!

Oh, thanks a million times for this invaluable addition to my collection of words made of awesome! I think I love you!

Sirzy · 11/12/2011 20:05

There is no reason christmas can't be done perfectly well with both the religious side and father christmas. The two aren't mutually exclusive.

birdsofshoreandsea · 11/12/2011 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sirzy · 11/12/2011 20:36

You don't tell them its a fact, you go along with their imagination. There are stories, pictures, films etc with Santa in and children are quite capable of building it from there. My 3 year old nephew has spent the past month phoning santa daily for all number of reasons (latest being that his nana would like a coat with a hood after she got wet yesterday!) nobody has taught him to do that its his imagination.

Playing along with them does no harm at all, infact stopping that enthusiasm is much more likely cause upset for them!

exoticfruits · 11/12/2011 21:27

Attachment parenting is based on sound psychological and physiological evidence that it benefits the well being of children

It isn't my interpretation of AP.

thepeoplesprincess · 11/12/2011 21:58

Playing along with them does no harm at all, infact stopping that enthusiasm is much more likely cause upset for them!

You're still getting confused between "playing along" and actually asserting something as a physical fact tho, aren't you?

Not that I suggest stopping their enthusiam either. That would be po-faced, yes.

It is possible to approach the issue from somewhere in the middle y'know. TBH both sides of this particular fence sound completely psychotic.

lazymonkeyface · 11/12/2011 22:02

We'll be telling our children, currently only have one, that Santa brings stockings but the rest of the presents are from family members.

Goolash · 11/12/2011 22:19

My 6 year old was having a great time pretending and using his imagination today. He was wearing a Santa, holding a toy sword, muttering on about how he had to destroy one toy of every child on the naughty list. After much bashing of some cushions he announced that he wasn't very happy being Santa. I assumed it was because he didn't enjoy destroying a child's precious toy. No, "there's so many naughty children I have to keep sharpening my sword, that takes a long time".

There's not much point to this story and no moral

Goolash · 11/12/2011 22:20

He was wearing a santa hat, not wearing a santa.

NurseSunshine · 12/12/2011 21:58

Oh FGS! I seriously doubt the people who will be telling the truth about FC will deprive their children of fantasy, whimsy and wonder! I certainly won't. I will not be telling DD that Harry Potter is real either though, I don't paticularly want her flinging herself headlong into walls at train stations. I fully expect her to have a rich imagination as I did/do despite not believing in the fat man.

NurseSunshine · 12/12/2011 21:58

LOL @ Goolash

NurseSunshine · 12/12/2011 22:01

Oh and FWIW I always had a stocking that was from "santa", it's just that I always knew it wasn't, it was a fun game. DD will have the same.

Mumcentreplus · 12/12/2011 22:07

My children do not and never have celebrated Christmas...end of...does that make them lose imagination or wonder?...does that make them have a stifled imagination...nope

exoticfruits · 12/12/2011 22:09

DCs are not stupid! People seem to think they are empty vessels to be filled with whatever parents want to put in. Even if she thought Harry Potter was real I doubt that she would fling herself into walls! I think that DCs are often more sensible than the parents.

RitaMorgan · 12/12/2011 22:13

I'm with your friend. Father Christmas is a fun story, presents magically appearing on the end of your bed is exciting, but I won't be trying to convince my children that he is a genuine, real person!

FreudianSlipper · 12/12/2011 22:15

i do not like to give myself labels but more child led and prefer ap style of parenting. for my santa is not a problem but i can understand why the whole christmas lie is to others and i think that has nothing to do with your parenting style

i really do not like spending much at christmas i would rather spend the money that some i know do on a holiday than buy a load of presents he is bored with playing with by lunchtime

halcyondays · 12/12/2011 22:55

Well I suppose it's her choice but what a shame. I have such lovely memories of going to bed on Xmas Eve so excited and I will be sad when my dds stop believing. Being honest is all well and good but why let it stop your children enjoying some harmless fun while they're still young enough ?

ScarlettCrossbones · 12/12/2011 23:03

*I think the vast majority of you Santaphiliacs are massively contradicting yourselves tbh. If make-believe/pretend/fantasy is such an integral part of childhood (which I don't deny it is) then why do children need to actual believe in the genuine existence of F.C. for it to be of benefit?

peoplesprincess, you are spot on. Birds too. It is no longer fantasy when DC believe it to be the actual truth.

Oh my goodness , dotingranny, you are being soo disingenuous - implying that those with a "poverty of imagination" are the same ones who are told that Santa doesn't exist is extremely misleading. And I have no issue with your quote about fantasy play, but you are trying to make it sound as though children who don't believe in Santa are incapable of this type of play -think you'll find the evidence for this to be roughly zero

Goolash · 12/12/2011 23:26

halcyonday but it isn't a shame, if it's not something your family do then they're not missing out. If your parents always went along with Santa, then at age 5 they told you it wasn't true and stopped all the surrounding ritual, that would be a shame.

I say that as someone who does Santa. My 10 year old doesn't believe but he still loves it. I'll continue to do a stocking for him, put out the mince pie etc. Last year he was amazing with his younger brother at getting him to bed so that Santa could come, he did a much better job than us at making it fun and exciting.

No one would have missed out if we didn't do Santa. I've had inlaws tell me it's a shame my children are missing out on the magic of Christmas because only their stocking comes from Santa. Apparently it'd be more magic if every single present they got was from Santa . Days after Christmas a relative they meet once a year will give them a pressie and some weird story about how Santa left it at their house. It's how many of them did Santa and Christmas but I don't see my version as any less magic. If a family want to celebrate Christmas without Santa, they can have as much fun.

exoticfruits · 13/12/2011 08:04

I really think that people can leave it to to their DCs who are quite sensible. Someone has made the ridiculous comparison of telling DCs that Harry Potter is real. He is fiction BUT you don't have to go around saying 'Harry Potter isn't real you know'or 'Winnie the Pooh does not exist'! DCs work it out for themselves. They do the same with FC, it just takes a little longer. It is good for their reasoning powers.
Some adults think they are so stupid that you have to 'cross every t and dot every i' for them-you do not.

aldiwhore · 13/12/2011 08:12

You don't have to convince a child of Santa neither do you have to 'tell them the truth'. Don't mention it if you don't like lying, but I feel sad that people are actively bursting childs bubbles. Sure when my children ask me for the truth, I'll give them it. When they ask if the santa they've just seen real, I askl them what they think.

Completely agree with exoticfruits you neither have to 'brainwash' them into absolute belief nor sit them down and go through the facts. Both extremes deny them the chance to imagine, to work out the inconsistencies for themselves.

I've thoroughly enjoyed listen to my boys arguments for and against Father Christmas, and my definitive input has not been required so far.

aldiwhore · 13/12/2011 08:15

Father Christmas never gets all the credit either by the way, WE pay him, he decides whether or not to deliver the gifts based on the childrens' behaviour.

This means we still get thanked, and we won't ever get blamed if Santa doesn't deliver as its out of our hands Ocassionally there's a genuine elf-made toy under the tree, the children know that they must have done something exceptionally good during the year if they get that or mummy has remembered

exoticfruits · 13/12/2011 08:26

I used to enjoy all the questions-they knew really but were not ready. When they asked me outright I told them the truth-it wasn't a surprise-they had worked out it was impossible several years before. We had already gone through the fact that the ones in stores were just acting the part.
I don't understand why parents have to be so literal.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 13/12/2011 10:06

I was brought up believing in Santa. Figured out he didn't exist when I was older and ran to mum to challenge her on it. She admitted no he isn't really but don't tell your brother.
I came to the conclusion that the tooth fairy was also no real and that God was not real either.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 13/12/2011 10:09

Also not real (oops)

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