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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think that this mum was wrong?

176 replies

HappyJoyful · 10/12/2011 22:34

My friend and I have very different parenting styles (she's all about child-led/attachment parenting and I certainly don't take this stance!).. especially when she announces today that she wont be 'doing the whole Father Christmas thing' as she doesn't think she should make up these things and in-effect 'lie' to her DD. I suggested well some lies aren't 'bad' lies and surely she should indulge the child in this long standing tradition...

OP posts:
andaPontyinaPearTreeeeee · 11/12/2011 09:27

I don't see how she will keep it up, really, if she's planning on sending the DS to school?

We never really bothered with FC when DD was tiny, not because we didn't want her to believe, but because she was too little to understand anyway - there's a difference! Anyway once she started nursery she heard lots about him of course, so since then we've done the whole FC thing.

I don't see why anyone needs to overtly say "he's a lie" - why not just not put any effort into it. Again, there's a difference - the latter allows the DCs to believe still.

The DS might spoil it for the other kids at school.

SJisontheway · 11/12/2011 09:28

Of course it's different. As I stated before, no child will suffer from not believing, but for a parent to go out of their way to deny their child a bit of magic which is very much a part of their culture doesn't sit well with me. Each to their own. We all have to do what we believe is best for our own children.

Traceymac2 · 11/12/2011 09:30

In my first year at primary school my teacher told my class that FC wasn't real. I was devastated and my parents were furious. I also then told my other siblings! It did take alot of the magic of Christmas away for me as a child and I would happily have believed in him for a few more years. We are not religious so that aspect of Christmas did not feature hugely then and it doesn't now for us. My oldest dc is three and we took her and her younger sister to see FC yesterday. The excitement was unreal, she took her sisters hand and ran to the door of his Grotto and gave it knock to go in. She asked him where was Rudolph, told him she wanted a Piggy torch and that she had been a good girl. I don't want to take these magical years away from her. She will grow up soon enough. I didn't feel that my parents lied to me. Each to their own of course but to call it 'lying' is a bit extreme in my opinion.

andaPontyinaPearTreeeeee · 11/12/2011 09:31

Yes esta, I don't really understand the 'labelling' of parenting styles either. I prefer to just take advice from anywhere and everywhere mostly MN though and come to my own conclusions. I agree with some elements of AP, but I am not an APer IYSWIM!

Although as a child led parent shouldn't the mum in the OP be waiting to see what the DD feels about FC?

StealthPolarBear · 11/12/2011 09:34

saladsandwich, why will you be telling your 3yo next year? Surely they can carry on believing until they're about 7 or maybe 8?
I have a 4yo, while he enjoyed last year, this is the first year he really gets it and is really anticipating Christmas and Santa in that way,

I love the honest parenting - "your hopping is not as good as Lucy next door's" "that picture looks nothing like me, I do not have a big round tummy, oh hang on..." :o

MorelliOrRanger · 11/12/2011 09:35

Father Christmas only brings one present for DD, so she is already aware that most of her presents are from family etc. I'd rather do it that way so when finally we do tell her about it, she's not gutted.

YANBU though and I think it's quite sad but then you say she parents differently to you so let it slide.

Morloth · 11/12/2011 09:36

Which culture though? We are Australian, but of a very mixed descent, both from quite different family cultures, but fairly 'Australian' in our day to day life.

Mostly people here 'do' Santa, DS is now 7 he knows others believe Santa is a real person and not just a nice story. As far as I know he hasn't burst any bubbles on the schoolyard, but he might have.

I have no objection to Santa, don't care what other people tell their kids, but people on MN seem to almost take it as a personal slight if you don't choose this particular myth.

It is strange.

StealthPolarBear · 11/12/2011 09:36

My hairdresser was telling me yesterday that she let slip to her 10yo, assuming she knew and had been playing along for a couple of years. Apparently her DD went very quiet and went off to her room for half an hour :(

andaPontyinaPearTreeeeee · 11/12/2011 09:37

I stopped believing pretty young, I worked it out. Mum had put a cuddly kangaroo on my bedside table (from FC) with a note in the pouch saying "please look after me" etc. She tried to disguise her handwriting but I recognised it anyway, and the felt tip she had used!

I agree with SJ - not believing didn't do me any harm at all. I think I felt all grown up and clever for having worked it out, TBH - but I think it would've been horrible if my parents hadn't ever let me believe in the first place.

andaPontyinaPearTreeeeee · 11/12/2011 09:39

I still have the kangaroo about 18 years later, BTW :)

mummytime · 11/12/2011 09:53

I never told my DDs about fairies, but they certainly believed in them and could tell me about them for a while. If kids are imaginative they will have a magical childhood, unless you deliberately destroy all their beliefs.
My method of parenting was whatever went, definitely not Gina Ford, as I hate being that organised (but we did have sorta bedtimes etc.).

MNHQ
OliviaMumsnet · 11/12/2011 10:32

Hello
Just to say I've changed this thread title.
Spirit of Christmas and all that
Thanks
M Towers

MNHQ
OliviaMumsnet · 11/12/2011 10:32

For reference it was previously "AIBU to think that telling a two and half year old Father Christmas isn't real is a bit sad?"
Thanks

squeakytoy · 11/12/2011 10:44

I think squashing a childs imagination at such an early age, which basically is what this "we must never lie to our child" parenting will do, is quite dreadful really.

A childs imagination is something that I find absolutely fascinating. I would much rather see excitement and awe on a four year olds face when she sees santa at the department store, than some precocious little kid sporting a knowing face telling others "he isnt real you know", while mommy stands there with a smug face thinking how clever her little darling is.

exoticfruits · 11/12/2011 10:50

I fail to see how it is 'child-led' parenting if she decides at the outset to ban FC-it seems like all these terms, they appear to give choice and yet the parent has their own agenda. What is she going to say when her DC comes in with an imaginary friend say-'don't be silly, there is no one there!'

alistron1 · 11/12/2011 11:01

Santa is real, otherwise why would I have forked out £60 for us all to visit him this afternoon. QED.

gorionine · 11/12/2011 11:25

YABU, she is not wrong for not telling her DD Santa does not exist. She is not preparing her for a liftime of exclusion any more than you are setting your children for a liftime of being the gullible ones. You just have chosen a different option in the way you deal with your children. What she does has no bearing on yourself or your children so why even comment on it?

NinkyNonker · 11/12/2011 11:38

I'll happily lie through my teeth for a year or so. I loved it as a child and certainly wasn't traumatised when I busted them when I was about 6.

This is unrelated to any parenting style BTW, so that is a total red herring.

Original poster
HappyJoyful · 11/12/2011 13:30

loving the happy childhood memories of waiting for FC !
appreciate style of parenting is possibly not relevant and incorrect of me to 'label' but she would say herself that that is her 'style' as she's still breastfeeding and co-sleeping... think it's about treating a toddler as an adult and allowing child to make all it's own decisions and choices, never saying no and trying to constantly rationalise with them is what actually I find challenging.. probably a whole other debate ! though as some say is actually not what she's doing in this instance as she's already decided she isn't going to engage in any make believe about FC.. which I still think is sad and appears many others do..

OP posts:
NurseSunshine · 11/12/2011 13:43

YABU, I never believed in FC and I think (though obv don't know as can't compare) that I would have been mightily PO'd when the penny dropped.

I'm going to treat FC the same way I treat any of the wonderful fairy stories I will read to DD when she's old enough.

I think you have more of a problem with her style of parenting and are grasping at straws as to why it's wrong. Plenty of non AP parents don't lie to their children Xmas Smile

NurseSunshine · 11/12/2011 13:47

Also HappyJoyful AP has nothing to do with letting a child make all it;s own decisions and never saying no! AP is about respecting a child and not treating it like a moron. Allowing it to do whatever it wants and not setting any boundaries isn't a parenting style at all, and IMHumbleO isn't actually parenting. Before being disdainful about how some people chose to treat their children perhaps you would benefit from reading up on the subject? HTH Xmas Smile

birdsofshoreandsea · 11/12/2011 13:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

valiumredhead · 11/12/2011 14:06

It's completely up to both of you how you decide to 'do' Christmas. Personally I am with your friend on this one but that doesn't make me right or wrong - just different from you.

kelly2000 · 11/12/2011 16:12

People tell white lies to their children all the time - how many parents when asked have told their child that yes, in fact their jab will be painful, or when getting a tooth out and are nervously asked if everything will be ok say "more than likely, but there is always a very small chance you could react to the anaesthetic and die". Telling the truth is not always the best, and I sometimes think some people just harp on about "telling it like it is" as a way to be mean whilst keeping the moral highground.

Where is the harm in letting them having a little bit of magic when they can, it is a part of childhood.

Tracey,
It really angers me when teachers take it upon themselves to say ther eis no father christmas. FC is a cultural thing for many people, so it is just stamping all over someone else's culture and parenting choices. Can you imagine if an athiest teacher told religious children their parents were lying and there was no God.

1Catherine1 · 11/12/2011 16:26

But it is perfectly ok for a religious teacher to tell children there is a god?

I don't disagree with you Kelly - just thought it was an interesting point...