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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think that this mum was wrong?

176 replies

HappyJoyful · 10/12/2011 22:34

My friend and I have very different parenting styles (she's all about child-led/attachment parenting and I certainly don't take this stance!).. especially when she announces today that she wont be 'doing the whole Father Christmas thing' as she doesn't think she should make up these things and in-effect 'lie' to her DD. I suggested well some lies aren't 'bad' lies and surely she should indulge the child in this long standing tradition...

OP posts:
olgaga · 10/12/2011 23:19

Bear in mind that when they go to school their disbelief will be shouted down by loads of excited 4/5 year olds (and older children) who will tell them for a fact that Father Christmas is real!

I agree that it's bonkers, but it's nice bonkers. No harm ever came to a child through believing in Father Christmas for a few years. On balance I'd say that by denying the existence of Father Christmas you'll just cause yourself a load of hassle which really isn't worth it.

Goolash · 10/12/2011 23:20

Oh dear, some really bad typing there. I have toast crumbs in my keyboard Xmas Blush

AgentZigzag · 10/12/2011 23:23

Saying you refuse to lie to your children because lying is wrong, kind of puts all lies on the same footing, when Father Christmas isn't on the same scale as a relative telling the child they're sexually assaulting to lie.

If anyone feels hard done by because their parents 'lied' to them about Christmas, it'd be about other things in their relationship rather than feeling betrayed by the nice 'lie'.

YonderRevoltingPeasantWhoIsHe · 10/12/2011 23:25

Xmas actually, this really has nothing to do with my own feelings about 'Santaing', but yeah, my DP felt that way. His parents were also massively religious though and he never really believed in God that much either, so I think the two were connected for him. I think he just felt that there were lots of 'official stories' he had to subscribe to when he was a kid.

Still really don't understand why people get so het up about it. What Goolash said, I never believed and my Christmas memories are amazing :) Don't think it really matters either way.

NewShooz · 10/12/2011 23:26

Aww it seems so young to confess that FC isn't real Sad. I have such good memories as a child, leaving goodies out for FC and Rudolf on Xmas eve, writing to him beforehand with my wish list etc It's all part of the fun surely?

Each to their own I suppose, but I really wouldn't be worrying about 'lying' to a 2 year old where FC is concerned.

pinkyp · 10/12/2011 23:33

It's a tradition not a lie isn't it? How is it different to say believing in god? As a child when I found out he wasn't real I was Sad

saladsandwich · 10/12/2011 23:36

ds is almost 3 and petrified of santa, so much so that santa as to deliver the presents to grandads and grandad will deliver them... if hes still the same next year i wil tell him he is pretend

Liluri · 10/12/2011 23:39

Each to their own, but I am slightly irritated by the implication that parents that do go along with the FC idea are liars, whilst those that don't are worthy and honest and upstanding.

(I expect some folk will want the thread title changing btw, in case wee ones 'wallowing in the lies of their parents' Wink read it at some point.)

aviatrix · 10/12/2011 23:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NorkyPiesWithJingleBellsOn · 11/12/2011 00:47

Yes Liluri, too much earnest literalism from the Santa deniers. I'd guess they're fundamentalist atheists, too.

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 11/12/2011 01:54

Well, we haven't started out by being 'open and honest' with our children - we lie through our teeth every bloody opportunity we get, so the whole Christmas/Santa extravaganza is just more of the same, really.

Grin

Gawd, I'm so glad my parents weren't like some of you lot!

OP, your friend is BU.

NotADudeExactly · 11/12/2011 06:15

YABU.

Why on earth should it be a good idea to deliberately make children believe in stuff that simply isn't real? That's sort of like a christian or muslim trying to convince their kids to believe in Zeus so that they may enjoy the Iliad more. Different subjective level of importance, maybe but the basic concept is the same.

My sister and I were told from the beginning that FC wasn't real. It didn't interfere with our excitement about christmas a single bit.

Sirzy · 11/12/2011 06:24

Why is it not a good idea to let children go along with something that is a lot of fun for them?

I am still waiting to hear about all these people who have been emotionally scarred by being able to enjoy the few years of the magic of Santa!

ninjasquirrel · 11/12/2011 06:30

From what people are saying about their own experiences it seems that:

  • Those for whom FC was a big part of Christmas didn't mind about their parents lying to them when it came out.
  • Those who didn't believe in FC or for whom it wasn't made a big fuss about also found childhood Christmases magical and amazing.
So seemingly no call for the judgypants either way...
TroublesomeEx · 11/12/2011 06:32

Hear hear Sirzy!

It's one thing to dispell the Father Christmas Myth for cultural/religious reasons where it just doesn't fit and you won't be celebrating Christmas anyway...

But as a parenting technique? That's just terribly sad.

Xmasbaby11 I don't feel like my parents lied to me. When DS finally realised and we confirmed it, he didn't feel like he'd been lied to either.

Bonsoir · 11/12/2011 06:45

Father Christmas is not a lie, but fiction. Fiction is one of the great stimulators of imagination, which all parents should be encouraging in their children.

Woe betide those who diss FC - your children will grow up to be very dull Wink

NotADudeExactly · 11/12/2011 07:06

I am still waiting to hear about all these people who have been emotionally scarred by being able to enjoy the few years of the magic of Santa!

To me that's not really the issue, though.

It's rather that I have a problem with irrational beliefs and supernatural explanations in general. I care whether my beliefs are in fact true, so I would naturally operate on the assumption that others do too (even if they may be too young to have thought about this in any detail).

As an atheist and a sceptic, I don't see how I could encourage belief in Santa, the tooth fairy or the easter bunny without being inconsistent.

As for the fiction thing: I have no problem with that so long as it isn't sold as "truth". I wouldn't want to make anyone, child or adult, believe that Pippi Longstocking was real either.

TroublesomeEx · 11/12/2011 07:14

You wouldn't need to make anyone believe though, NotADude.

My DD is 5 and her biggest question at the moment in response to things she sees on TV is "is that in real life or just pretend".

That's because she's only just beginning to realise that not everything you see/hear/read is true.

We don't 'big up' Father Christmas, the presents come from us, he just delivers them and we try and follow the Spirit of Father Christmas in terms of gift giving. But then, presents are'nt the biggest part of Christmas for us anyway!

troisgarcons · 11/12/2011 07:17

My 11yo still believes. He really does

normaleggy · 11/12/2011 07:22

"I don't plan to lie to my children". What? Whether you realise it or not you probably lie to them all the time, if not it must be pretty miserable in your house.
Hide and seek - "I can see you actually, all you've done is cover your eyes, why on earth do you think that is hiding"
Tea partys - "excuse me but there's no tea in this cup, its completely empty, and this plate is empty too"
Painting - "That's rubbish, it looks nothing like me at all. I don't know why you are crying, you wouldn't want me to lie to you, would you, that would make mer a terrible parent."
Miserable buggers. Father Christmas is just a fun game of make believe and I think it's sad that anyone would intentionally spoil that for their child.

Bonsoir · 11/12/2011 07:24

Being able to project yourself into a situation that you have not experienced in RL is a critical and advanced life skill. Encouraging children to play along ("believe in") FC, the Tooth Fairy etc helps develop that skill...

Beware of what you are doing to your children Wink

CountingDown321 · 11/12/2011 07:41

ROFL normaleggy Grin

HughBastard · 11/12/2011 07:41

Lol @ Norma's honest parenting Grin

"No thanks, I'd rather not eat the cupcake you made at school because I believe you to have questionable hygiene habits".

"Your hopping is substandard and not nearly as impressive as Lucy next door's hopping"

"Actually I think that shell is much the same as all the other shells on the beach"

Morloth · 11/12/2011 07:41

We don't do Santa, DS is spectacularly untraumatised.

It isn't compulsory.

Christmas is a huge deal here, ours is starting next Saturday, we will have almost 2 weeks of family get togethers, church, presents and food.

Not everyone has the same culture/traditions.

Esta3GG · 11/12/2011 07:57

Normaleggy - Grin

I remember Spike Milligan's children talking about how he used to write them secret letters from the fairies. They would come across exquisite tiny envelopes hidden all over the place.
What a fucking magical dad and childhood.
I suspect that the non-Santa brigade would never consider doing something like that either.
When did make believe and pretend become "lying"?
Pitiful.

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