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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I wrong to think I'm living a Family Nirvana...

157 replies

smiledotcom · 10/12/2011 00:24

I've just got one kid. People often say to me "couldnt you have any more?" or "are you planning for another?" or "don't you want a brother or sister for..."

NO!

I have one kid. I absolutely love the fact that I don't have to dilute my attention between more than one kid; I love that I don't have to resolve repetitive minor sibling disputes, that I don't have siblings competition for my attention/affection; that I'm not doing a multitude of "taxi jobs" between xtra curricular activites; that my disposable income stretches further with just one kid;

that actually, parenting of just one kid can be really difficult and parenting of more than one must be (...

I LOVE the fact that I have (kinda) bucked the trend.

I look at people with more than one kid and I think WTF are you doing! Why on earth would you do that!

I've created a family Nirvana!

OP posts:
teenswhodhavethem · 11/12/2011 10:56

This reply has been deleted

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smartyparts · 11/12/2011 11:03

My friend has 7 and pities me for my paltry 2. She says things like 'mealtimes must be soo quiet' Confused

TeamDamon · 11/12/2011 11:16

Someone said that they had never met an only child who wasn't totally self-centred as an adult. My brother is the most narcissistic person I have ever met. He's one of six. I know that when the time comes to care for my parents, neither he nor at least two of my other sisters will be there to support.

Everyone's family dynamic works differently, everyone's parenting style is different. I think if what you have works for you and your family, and you are raising one or more than one happy, secure child then that is what counts. No-one's family is anyone else's business. I have had my choice to have one criticised by others (who have very similar, ill-informed judgements about one-child families) to some of the ones on here. I always find it odd, as I have never looked at someone with more than one child and felt that it was my right to judge their choices.

Mayqueene · 11/12/2011 13:37

Hi op,

I have four children and was myself an only child.

Personally, I find that having four is wonderful and my idea of perfection, and I cannot imagine having a smaller family. However, I'm well aware that others' views and circumstances are not the same as mine and that 1 child or 7 might be their idea of perfection, or they may desperately want more than 1 but be unable to.

For me growing up as an only child was ok- I was a bit shy and lonely but obviously this was just me, many only children are very outgoing. As a child I always vaguely wanted siblings in an unfocused kind of way but now as an adult in my mid forties I do really regret not having any brothers and sisters around-friends are great of course but not the same as siblings.

LaFilleSurLePont · 11/12/2011 13:52

YABU. There's nothing wrong with having an only child,but what's right for you isn't what's right for others. There is no correct number of children to have. What's right is different for everyone.

That said,must we start with the only child bashing?I'm a very content only child myself,and I've never really wanted siblings,and loved my family holidays, they weren't at all crap ime,though I did grow up in an extended family.
As for help with caring for one's parents as they age,my mother had to do that alone,in spite of her two remaining brothers, and that seems to be the same for most of my mother's friends. They're the sole carers even though they also have siblings.

Also my mother's siblings have caused her more stress and grief than anything,though she loves them of course,but they've been an extra burden for her,not a help.

You can't guarantee happiness for your child if you 'give' them a brother or sister. A sibling could be their best friend or their worst enemy. If you have just one,they could be a content only child or long for a sibling.
So people should do what's right for them,have the number of children they want,providing that they can care for them of course,if that's one child or three or seven. There's no definite answer.

TheFestiveWife · 11/12/2011 13:54

troisgarcons

Because having a sibling is one of the most amazing things in the world. They're your best friend and ally go through the same childhood as you, are there for you, and you for them.

Well thats utter rubbish for a start! My 3 hate each other and wont even be in the same room - they certainly wont bother with each other when they reach adulthood and go their own ways. No shared memories there (unless you count all the fights)

Plus there are 12 years between my brother and I - he was in the services by the time I was nearly 4 - I dont rememeber him until I was 14. He and I both liked being 'only' children.

It may be rubbish for you and yours, but don't tell me that my life and relationship with my sister is rubbish! Nor will my dds relationship be rubbish as adults, they are very close now. Oh yes they fight like cat and dog but also care immensly about each other. My DSD is 10 years older then dd1 and 14 years older than dd2, they are also very close. So take your rubbish and put it somewhere else please. Xmas Hmm

LaFilleSurLePont · 11/12/2011 13:55

As for the self centred bullshit, that's not unique to only children,or obligatory,I'm certainly not self centred,and I'm an only child. The most self centred person I know is one of five.

LaFilleSurLePont · 11/12/2011 13:57

FestiveWife I don't think that TroisGarcons was saying that your life is rubbish,or it's nonsense that your family is happy,but I think she was making the point what you said about siblings being best friends and allies isn't true of every family. It's not the most amazing thing in the world for everyone who has a sibling.

sweetsantababy · 11/12/2011 14:16

I have three who I love with all my heart. Smile I was trying to rather rude friend that loves streches after she tole me I couldn't possibly love me three as much as she loves her one. Hmm

Anyway it is hard and sometimes I think my life would be easier with one but I would never wish for things to be any different. I don't think I finder it harder with 3 than with 1 or 2. My house was chaos back with 1, still is now! Confused

pixiestix · 11/12/2011 14:22

Interesting reading.

I have one DD. I always expected, wanted and hoped for a large family but I had completely underestimated the mind-numbing drudgery that is motherhood. I love my daughter with all my heart but I'm not leaping up and down with joy at the thought of adding to my little family. I have visions of the last remaining precious mintues I get to myself each day disappearing completely. So I can understand your post OP.

sweetsantababy · 11/12/2011 14:23

DH an only. he is the most lovley, thoughful, sensitive, giving person i have ever met sob I am one of 3 and well, erm am a tad bit self centred maybe

lockets · 11/12/2011 16:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cory · 11/12/2011 16:17

I have met plenty of only children who were not at all self-centered. And some from larger families who were.

So I can't say that has ever influenced my decision to have more than one.

On the other hand, I can't say I found motherhood with two children such complete drudgery either. Life is not more chaotic than it was.

In fact, there have been plenty of time when I have felt I was stretched less thin because they were getting so much pleasure and support from each other.

I think in a way perhaps it has made me less self-centered and made it easier for me to accept that I am not the only important person in their lives.

EssentialFattyAcid · 11/12/2011 16:20

Retromuff "Having one child is lovely to you OP, but is it what your child wants and needs?"

What is wrong with being an only child, Retromuff? My dd is 12 and has never wanted a sibling - and in my view certainly doesn't "need" one.

Whats4teamum "Frankly, there is nothing crapper than a "family" holiday with one child and two parents. There are no shared memories of your childhood. Consequently I have more than one child."

I have one child and we love our family holidays. Sometimes these are with wider family, sometimes not. We are very happy in each other's company. My daughter shares her memories of childhood with all the different people she has shared it with, none of whom are siblings.

There is no need to pity only children or their parents. My daughter's childhood is far happier than either mine was (I have a brother) or dp's was (he has 2 sisters).

Why can't we all just ditch the judgements on family size? Aren't there enough real problems in the world without inventing more?

HughBastard · 11/12/2011 16:27

Pixiestix - I actually find I have more time to myself with 2 children than I did with one. They entertain each other.

HoHoOpotomus · 11/12/2011 16:37

I have 2 kids. No affection is diluted

sitandnatter · 11/12/2011 16:40

It has to be each to their own, whatever size of family makes the parents happy is a happy family. One two or ten (so long as it's not a serial bonker off Jeremy Kyle with 10 different mothers naturally) its all good. :)

TeamDamon · 11/12/2011 17:12
RetroMuff · 11/12/2011 18:04

EssentialFattyAcid I wasn't judging parents' choice to have one child, just merely pointing out certain things later on in life from my pov as one of three children.

Of course, it's entirely up to the parents (and luck) how many children they have.

EssentialFattyAcid · 11/12/2011 19:04

Retromuff your post implies that parents of one have not considered the wants and needs of their child, presumably only their own wants and needs. Is that what you meant to say?

theoldtrout01876 · 11/12/2011 22:41

I have 4 of my own and just took on a 5th :o.

Its interesting and I wouldnt change it for the world,never a dull moment and all that :o

skybluepearl · 11/12/2011 22:48

I think people tend to love what ever number of kids they have to be honest

MakesXmasCakesWhenStressed · 11/12/2011 22:50

All the only children I have known are nutjobs, one way or another. Either complete attention whores or majorly old before their time or spolit madams or great big mama's boys... I always thought having to duke it out with a sibling for some attention helps you become a little more balanced and accepting of the fact that the world does not, in fact, revolve around you.

LaFilleSurLePont · 11/12/2011 22:54

The biggest nutjob I know,one of my uncles, was one of five,now one of three,and as far as he's concerned the world really does revolve around him. He doesn't give a toss about anyone else. He's an abusive,self centred,self obsessed asshole. Perhaps that's because he had siblings and had to compete for attention and love? Of course it wasn't,but that's no less ridiculous than what you said,MakesXmascakes.

Can we quit it with the only child bullshit sterotypes please?

MakesXmasCakesWhenStressed · 11/12/2011 22:57

I didn't say all only children were like that, just all the ones I know. No stereotyping.