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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I wrong to think I'm living a Family Nirvana...

157 replies

smiledotcom · 10/12/2011 00:24

I've just got one kid. People often say to me "couldnt you have any more?" or "are you planning for another?" or "don't you want a brother or sister for..."

NO!

I have one kid. I absolutely love the fact that I don't have to dilute my attention between more than one kid; I love that I don't have to resolve repetitive minor sibling disputes, that I don't have siblings competition for my attention/affection; that I'm not doing a multitude of "taxi jobs" between xtra curricular activites; that my disposable income stretches further with just one kid;

that actually, parenting of just one kid can be really difficult and parenting of more than one must be (...

I LOVE the fact that I have (kinda) bucked the trend.

I look at people with more than one kid and I think WTF are you doing! Why on earth would you do that!

I've created a family Nirvana!

OP posts:
Ihavewelliesbutitssunny · 10/12/2011 13:18

YABU to use the word kids so many times in your OP. Hated being referred to as a 'kid' when I was a CHILD.

And more generally YABU.

Pandemoniaa · 10/12/2011 13:30

YABU to attempt to clutter our heads with such a smug glorification of your own status and by assuming that the (somewhat questionable) state of "Nirvana" can only be achieved by having one child.

These things are a matter of choice and those of us with multiple children (2 in my case) will have exercised personal choice for various reasons. As an only child myself, I was keen to have at least two children and am glad I did. But I would never dream of suggesting this was the only sensible course of action for all families. So I'll mainly be treating your exposition as a fairly mediocre attempt at comedy.

SpottyTeacakes · 10/12/2011 13:40

I hate the word kid.

Before I had my dc I couldn't understand why people would only have one, but now I can. She is completely amazing and has made me so happy. I would still like more though, for various reasons.

There is no answer (was there even a question?) everyone is different.

habbibu · 10/12/2011 20:28

When I was pregnant with dd I genuinely worried about dividing my affection between her and DH. Didn't happen - just seemed to get more to go round, and brought DH and I closer. When pg with ds I worried about dividing my affections again, but that's not how it works - they don't get less than an only. Attention, maybe a wee bit (not necessarily a bad thing), love and affection, no, just as much. And I do love that they have each other, because they now, aged 5 and 2, get the same jokes that we don't really get, play daft games endlessly, and will both stick at it way longer than me.

RetroMuff · 10/12/2011 21:07

When my parents died I was so grateful that I have siblings. We have shared the grief, the hard work clearing out their home and the memories of our childhood. We've never been particularly close but at that sad time their support was invaluable.

Having one child is lovely to you OP, but is it what your child wants and needs?

whats4teamum · 10/12/2011 21:28

I am an only child and I I could have written your post queribus. I agree with everything you said.

My mother is an only child and apologised to me as an adult as she realised after dealing with the death of her own parents the pressure it is on an only child.

Frankly, there is nothing crapper than a "family" holiday with one child and two parents. There are no shared memories of your childhood. Consequently I have more than one child.

I fail to understand OP why you felt the need to share your notion of nirvana with us. What were you hoping for? Do you have siblings?

startail · 10/12/2011 22:05

DSIS organised concert tickets (80's group). I organised a hotel and we had a lovely couple of days escaping our family responsibilities, and remembering times gone by. That's what siblings are for.

MabelOranje · 10/12/2011 22:37

God this is a hateful thread even by AIBU standards Sad.

Why all the vitriol towards one child families?

teenswhodhavethem · 10/12/2011 22:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Pandemoniaa · 10/12/2011 22:58

I don't see any vitriol towards one child families. I do see an immensely smug and judgemental original posting which has, in the main, been discussed quite reasonably.

It is not the one child issue that is, er, the issue. It is the way that any other model was denigrated that has got up noses.

MinnieBar · 10/12/2011 23:12

It's YOUR nirvana. Good for you. But it's not mine. I have a friend who's pg with her seventh and that wouldn't make me happy either.

You see what I did there OP - I recognised that different people have different needs, desires, and situations and I did it without judgement.

How about you go and practise that so you don't come across in such a smug and condescending manner?

LivingDead · 11/12/2011 00:03

Both of my sisters who have children have only children, I do see that it's a nice life, when my 3 are being gits I could happily swap. Having siblings can be good too though, it's never quiet or dull with 3, always somebody injuring themselves or up for a game of hide and seek, the squabbling though, oh my the squabbling.

TheFestiveWife · 11/12/2011 00:13

I look at people with more than one kid and I think WTF are you doing! Why on earth would you do that!

Because having a sibling is one of the most amazing things in the world. They're your best friend and ally go through the same childhood as you, are there for you, and you for them. Waking up on Christmas morning with your sister in the bed next to yours, waking them up and wondering how long you can both wait before you sneak downstairs together to see of Santa has been. Watching your little sister grow, watching her trying to be like you, knowing there someone else out there that knows you inside out. Knowing that you can stick together through thick and thin. That they'll always be there for you to fall back on.

That's why on earth you would do that. That's the relationship I have with my sister, and that's the relationship I can see growing between my dds. I feel sorry for your DS as with a parent as smug and arrogant as you he's going to have some major pressure on him in years to come.

PludolphTheRedNosedReindeer · 11/12/2011 00:52

Why don't you have this conversation instead with the people who keep asking you those annoying questions? You seem to have put people's backs up here as it is not these people (posters) who have been saying such things to you.

Of course you;re going to get these annoyed responses! Just as annoyed as you are when you experience those RL comments!

Suit your reply to the forum!

CadetDevilcat · 11/12/2011 01:00

I would have hated to be an only child - my mother was an only ...well not really, her sister was born when she was 14 and had spina bifida, lived for four months in which time my mother(her sister) was the only person to go to the hospital each day to hold her - my grandmother couldn't deal with it :(

My mum had 2 kids (me and my sister) within 16 months of each other - she said that if she had thought about it long enough she would never had had a second baby because my delivery was so traumatic - my father had a vasectomy while she was pregnant with my sister

I was told that as an adult btw

differentnameforthis · 11/12/2011 01:11

Why all the vitriol towards one child families?

No vitriol as I can see, towards one child families. Maybe some towards someone who thinks she is better than anyone who decides to have more than one child. Who actually is spouting some vitriol of her own, no?

libelulle · 11/12/2011 06:02

Plenty of vitriol actually. Wtf is it acceptable for people to call only children self-centred and spoilt, with no apparent inkling of just how rude they are being. I was not an only through choice, but because my mum couldn't have more children. Yet she still had other parents comment to her and my face that i must be incredibly spoilt. Talk about adding insult to injury.

Great that you're happy with one child, op. Hope your child doesn't grow up hating it as much as I did. Relations between my two (3 and 18 mo) are difficult, but my god am I happy I have two of them. Not least because they won't have to put up with snide comments about their character merely on the basis of a lack of sibling.

mathanxiety · 11/12/2011 06:20

I have 5. Youngest DC's friends are all, every single one of them, only children (and they are lovely children). I sometimes wonder if she's trying to give me some sort of message though...

Smile It is certainly never quiet or dull here. When even one of them has a friend over it feels like a party.

DD4 spends a lot of time playing at her friends' houses. She is a sort of rent-a-sister-who-can-handle-a-crowd to them all.

troisgarcons · 11/12/2011 07:00

Because having a sibling is one of the most amazing things in the world. They're your best friend and ally go through the same childhood as you, are there for you, and you for them.

Well thats utter rubbish for a start! My 3 hate each other and wont even be in the same room - they certainly wont bother with each other when they reach adulthood and go their own ways. No shared memories there (unless you count all the fights)

Plus there are 12 years between my brother and I - he was in the services by the time I was nearly 4 - I dont rememeber him until I was 14. He and I both liked being 'only' children.

ninjasquirrel · 11/12/2011 07:30

I think the OP needs to be read as a response to lots of people asking why she doesn't have another one and therefore criticising her family choices, so in return she's saying why she wouldn't want to have more. I don't really understand why people are taking it so personally.

I'm always surprised on these threads how many people say they hated being an only. I never particularly wanted a brother or sister - got very bored with the tedious sibling arguments at friends' houses!

troisgarcons · 11/12/2011 07:33

If I knew what I knew now, I would have only had one child

And all of mine would prefer to be only children.

Esta3GG · 11/12/2011 07:42

I hate the word kid

So what if you do.
Now Mumsnet dictates what vocabulary people should use FFS.

Morloth · 11/12/2011 07:46

I think my setup is pretty sweet actually.

Which clearly means the rest of you are doing it all wrong.

HughBastard · 11/12/2011 07:49

OP I am happy for you that you have found what works for you.

It wouldn't have worked for me.

Dillydaydreaming · 11/12/2011 07:51

My DS is an only child because I am not very fertile. We had just embarked on the route to IVF when amazingly he came along.Smile

He will remain an only child though as I am too old for IVF on the NHS now and also because I am separated from exDH.

DS also has an ASD as well as ADHD so is very hard work but I wouldn't change him for the world

I feel sad he is an only child but it's out of my control. I'd have loved more children but it just didn't happen. Still as I am about to be out of work there will be less for the taxpayer to support.

Having an only child is nice but I do worry about DS in the future being isolated. .