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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I wrong to think I'm living a Family Nirvana...

157 replies

smiledotcom · 10/12/2011 00:24

I've just got one kid. People often say to me "couldnt you have any more?" or "are you planning for another?" or "don't you want a brother or sister for..."

NO!

I have one kid. I absolutely love the fact that I don't have to dilute my attention between more than one kid; I love that I don't have to resolve repetitive minor sibling disputes, that I don't have siblings competition for my attention/affection; that I'm not doing a multitude of "taxi jobs" between xtra curricular activites; that my disposable income stretches further with just one kid;

that actually, parenting of just one kid can be really difficult and parenting of more than one must be (...

I LOVE the fact that I have (kinda) bucked the trend.

I look at people with more than one kid and I think WTF are you doing! Why on earth would you do that!

I've created a family Nirvana!

OP posts:
molly3478 · 10/12/2011 08:43

Also yes my DH is an only he is jealous of my relationship with my brother, even though he has a great relationship with him himself. Its all the past history that you have with a sibling though, and I know he is always here for me, on hand to be babysitter to my kids, to support me etc and he knows he has got me to lend him money whe he is stuck, and he can come round and I can help him write his cv, apply for jobs or sort himself out with a flat because I am more admin orientated.

Its nice knowing you have each other, and even when our parents get old and go we will (hopefully) have each other for plenty of years. We see each other nearly every day and have helped each other out of all kinds of scrapes growing up and even things that arise now

lisad123 · 10/12/2011 08:43

I have plenty of time with each of my children and my dh. The second is alot easier than the first IMO.
So yes op in my opinion you are wrong Grin

scrappydoodah · 10/12/2011 08:45

Not all only children are lonely
Not all siblings have a close bond.... or even like each other

My elder sister must have been really taken aback at the arrival of a younger sibling as she has never come to terms with it, or been even slightly sisterly. I think she would have been happier as an only.

I have no kids. Out of choice. My experience of family life made that decision a no brainer.

Each to their own.

Pozzled · 10/12/2011 08:47

I've only had 2 for the last 6 months, so maybe it's too early for me to judge. But already the relationship between them is beautiful to see and I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

My siblings and I are not the closest family in the world but I know that they care for me and will always be there if I need them. I had loads of fun growing up with them. Even if siblings do have slightly less parental attention, they benefit in other ways.

It's great that you're happy with your family, but there's no need to judge others.

fivefoottwowitheyesofblue · 10/12/2011 08:49

I hope your DS is happy with your explanation when he asks why he doesn't have any siblings. I know a few people with one child and all are frequently asked for a sibling!

When I see my two playing together and having fun it makes my heart swell and I am so pleased that they will always have each other.

Each to their own eh?!

lockets · 10/12/2011 08:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

queribus · 10/12/2011 08:55

Each to their own. I'm an only child and to be honest I would have loved a sibling. I was frequently lonely as a child, felt every little bit of pressure from my (well-meanng) parents and now face the prospect of caring for two ageing, poor parents on my own.

I deliberately had two children for some of the reasons above and I love it. They adore each other, although they also fight like cat and dog.

But glad you're happy with your decision

Smile
DigOfTheChristmasTreeStump · 10/12/2011 09:02

OP fair pay to you for liking, what works for you. i would be interested in your own childhood sigmund freud emoticon were you an only or did you feel neglected?

TadlowDogIncident · 10/12/2011 09:06

I'm one of three, and DS is an only. We won't be having any more for a number of reasons (money, time, fertility problems, exhaustion). I feel quite conflicted about it - I don't want any more anyway as my own family life wasn't at all happy, but DH is one of two and had a happy relationship with his brother growing up and would like that for DS, which I feel a bit sad and guilty about. DS is too little to express any views yet!

justpaddling · 10/12/2011 09:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

daveywarbeck · 10/12/2011 09:08

When we just had DS we couldn't imagine life any other way. We were absolutely content with him, and just him, in every way. Then surprise DD came along (DS nearly 5) and from about five minutes after she was born, I couldn't really remember what it had been like not to have her there. You're happy with your family, that's great. You'd probably be just as happy if you had more tbh. You don't have to though, it's not compulsory.

theotherboleyngirl · 10/12/2011 09:38

the OP would be fine if it was simply stating the OP's own satisfaction/pleasure. But it's the need to put others down (to justify your own feelings?) that tips it from a pleasant acknowledgement of her own contentment to something unneccessary, and judgemental...

"I look at people with more than one kid and I think WTF are you doing! Why on earth would you do that!"

That is a judgement. And an unkind one.

I have 3. WTF would I do that:

  • because that love you feel for one child, that bursts your soul - it's times by three, and by god it's powerful
  • because I 'got a buy one get one free' special in twins, and had my own preconceived ideas thrown out the window that actually having twins is amazing
  • because my son bursts with pride and love for his sister's - and I know it may come yet, but the girls are 2 and we have had not one single ounce of jealousy from that boy, only love
  • because my mother is an only child and incredibly ego-centric
  • because our home on a daily basis is a happy oasis - yes with crazy loud happy moments, but also pure love of seeing 3 little kids snuggled up under a blanket
  • because I'm organised and each and every child gets their time and attention
  • I don't feel the need to have DS doing 8 extra curricular activities a week like his only friends, he has a bustling family and the opportunities that brings. He does 3 yet I don't feel like a taxi service.

Don't judge others. Be happy for your lot, but it's pure arrogance to assume that your way is right for everyone. I cannot for one minute conceive that mine or DS' or DH's life would be happier or as complete without the DT's. Yet that is effectively the judgement you've made. In fact although I wouldn't know it, should they never have existed, wow, it's incomprehensible what we would have missed out on.

Bethshine82 · 10/12/2011 10:06

It does annoy me a bit when people say only ones are always self centred, but maybe that's because I'm an only and I'm spoilt?!
I loved being an only and I still do. I know lots and lots of people that actively dislike their siblings. My husband is one of three and even though they are all grown men they still compete with each other for their parent's approval.

My son will likely be an only, partly through choice and partly because of medical problems which make pregnancy very difficult for me. But these are not surmountable if I really wanted a second but I don't have that longing for a baby like I did with DS. I have found one child to be enough, DS was a difficult baby who did not sleep and I hated the first 18 months. It was probably the worst time of my life, which makes me very sad. I love him like crazy but it was a very difficult time.

However how many children you have is a very personal choice, I look at people with more than one and am filled with admiration because I know how difficult I have found just one. There is no right of wrong answer to the question of how many children to have, it is whatever is right for you and your family.

jasper · 10/12/2011 10:10

I like your style OP!

But remember , those of us with 2,3,4, or more kids also had just one kid at one point.

jasper · 10/12/2011 10:12

agree with theotherboleyn .

Think of the love and joy you feel for your one.

I am happy to have that multiplied BY THREE.

The love doesn't get divided up between them!

jasper · 10/12/2011 10:15

what I meant by my second last comment was those of us with , say, two, know what it's like to have only one.(as do you)
We also know what it like to have two , which you don't.

I'd be very interested to hear about parents of 2+ who wish they had stopped at one.

I have actually never met anyone who admitted this. I DO know a family ( with two children) who wish they had never had any.

perplexedpirate · 10/12/2011 10:30

I have one, I love having one. No urge at all go have another. And I must admit I do agree with the op a little bit when I hear people have multiple children. I just think that I would never want to be the situation of having to divide my attention between ds and anyone else. and it's very annoying when people automatically assume we're going to have another one.
However, I would never be so ludicrously egotistical to say I had created "family nirvana". In fact our house is like hells seventh circle with extra trodden in Play doh much of the time.
And, as a logical adult, I realise that not everyone thinks like me, feels like me and has the same priorities as me. So i am thrilled for my friends when they have a second child, even though I think I would be hysterical.
One lifestyle doesn't fit all, as long as your happy with yours it's all gravy.

perplexedpirate · 10/12/2011 10:32

Btw, just realised when I said multiple children it might look like I meant multiple births. I didn't. That's a whole different subject.

EssentialFattyAcid · 10/12/2011 10:43

Many parents of one are not especially happy with their family size, for many different reasons, so its nice to hear about a happy family

I think there is pressure from society to have excatly 2 children, (preferably one of each sex at that!)

I'ts the judging of other peoples' family size that makes our society the poorer, surely?

differentnameforthis · 10/12/2011 11:04

I've created a family Nirvana!

NO, you have created YOUR Nirvana.

You are being rude, insulting & unreasonable to suggest that having more than one child means :(

I love both my girls. Love that they will have each other & I hope they will be close & be friends when I am gone.

I don't care how many you have, tbh. But I don't think you have any right to go around staying that you are some clever dick because you have created something that doesn't exist!

Birdsgottafly · 10/12/2011 11:08

Looking at it from a different angle, i wonder what the OP thinks of people who adopt more than 1, or foster all of their lives (we have one set of foster carers who are in their late 60's, who also have birth children).

OP- Can you not accept that we are all different/have different wants, or do you look at different occupations and think wtf are you doing, also?

PandaNot · 10/12/2011 11:18

I've found it much easier to parent 2 than 1 - ds isn't so demanding of my time as he might have been because they love playing together and get so much from having each other. I don't resolve sibling disputes, they do that for themselves and they certainly don't 'compete' for my affection and attention, why would they? Your affection isn't a finite source.

Your dc might not think it's so nirvana-tastic when he's an only child with the responsibility of looking after elderly parents without any family support to share the pressure.

40notTrendy · 10/12/2011 11:22

I'm a 'self-centered' only and my ds will be too Grin.
I like our family of 3. It's right for us. I have a friend (in the loosest sense of the word) who constantly tells me that it's sooo much harder having 2 children. I have also had people judge me to be 'self-centred', amongst other things and warn me that ds will be spoilt.
I agree with what's gone before. Live and let live.

EssentialFattyAcid · 10/12/2011 12:23

I think you should have whatever family size you like, it's not one size fits all.

I do however personally feel that having a second child in order to help the first look after the potential burden of ageing parents in later life ( as cited more than once above ) is a highly dubious reason to have another child.

hackmum · 10/12/2011 12:58

OP, I'm just wondering how old your DS is?

Anyway, what I think is: each to her own. I don't think the OP was being offensive, just giving her own perspective in response to numerous people who have asked her if she plans to have another.

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