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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I wrong to think I'm living a Family Nirvana...

157 replies

smiledotcom · 10/12/2011 00:24

I've just got one kid. People often say to me "couldnt you have any more?" or "are you planning for another?" or "don't you want a brother or sister for..."

NO!

I have one kid. I absolutely love the fact that I don't have to dilute my attention between more than one kid; I love that I don't have to resolve repetitive minor sibling disputes, that I don't have siblings competition for my attention/affection; that I'm not doing a multitude of "taxi jobs" between xtra curricular activites; that my disposable income stretches further with just one kid;

that actually, parenting of just one kid can be really difficult and parenting of more than one must be (...

I LOVE the fact that I have (kinda) bucked the trend.

I look at people with more than one kid and I think WTF are you doing! Why on earth would you do that!

I've created a family Nirvana!

OP posts:
apocalypsedreams · 10/12/2011 00:54

I have quite a large family - and know a few people with only one child. From what I can make out, most (not all) have a harder time trying to raise one than I do with all mine.

And for what it's worth I think your bang out of order to "WTF" people with more than one child.

lockets · 10/12/2011 00:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
smiledotcom · 10/12/2011 00:59

I stick by my Nirvana position (for now) but it's great to hear a variety of views and obviously some people report being deeply happy with more than one kid.

Before kids I used to watch families in cafes. It struck me how focused couples became on that kid, to the exclusion of each other. I used to think "what a life: baby gazing like that, to the exclusion of each other" Now I understand that (childcare is so self-consuming).

I so clearly remember thinking when my son was about 6wk old "What a con motherhood is! - why didn't anyone mention the domestic burden, the boredom, the volumes of laundry, the repetitiveness of it all..."

I still think I've hit Nirvana, with just the one, tho!

OP posts:
teenswhodhavethem · 10/12/2011 01:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

lockets · 10/12/2011 01:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 10/12/2011 01:06

I used to call it the idyll when I just had DD. And it was lovely and you can have a really intense relationship with just one child. I worried that I wouldn't be able to give a second child that. And I can't really as the dynamic is different but actually they get such a lot from each other and have a relationship which is not filtered through me. And I love that. I do think that after the second child the balance slips in favour of the children though so you do end up with a more child focussed world rather than slotting an only child into a more adult world. Neither of those things is right or wrong just different.

WorraLiberty · 10/12/2011 01:08

My eldest was an only child til he was 7 1/2 years old

I was happy with that

Then I had another two and now I'm happy X3

I never even considered what other people thought, or felt the need to justify my decisions.

MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay · 10/12/2011 01:11

Each to their own op, each to their own!
I was an only child... and consequently have four of my own.

Nothing, nothing , nothing beats watching your children become each other's friend, protector, comforter 'big brother' 'kid sister'...

Mine are all teens now and amazingly close and being four have learned to share..rooms, life, attention, love.. and do it brilliantly. Very close in age they are not just siblings but close friends.. the eldest is now at Uni and the others can't wait for her to be home next week because they feel complete when they are all here.. in our small but happy busy teen filled home!

They support each other in a way that is hard to describe.. Ds1's girlfriend broke up with him.. it was his sister he first rang, sobbing..... 5 mins ago Ds1 and DS2 came in from an 18th birthday party together.. safe because they were together...

none of them feel they have dipped out on attention, but they have all learned to share, compromise, negotiate etc because they are my squad.

And on Xmas morning all four... aged 14- 19 will drag their stockings into our bedroom and open them sat on our bed...

'bucking the trend' (is their a trend) is just fine if it suits you... but from the other side of the coin, having a large family is just FANTASTIC and so much more fun!

(oh and your WTF is just so bloody rude..)

Original poster
smiledotcom · 10/12/2011 01:19

I think that's the essence of it really, isn't it.

With just one kid you're not spread so thinly.

Your time isn't taken up with all the laundry and shopping and sibling dispute resolution and taxi-ing kids to and fro. You've got time to invest in the things that are really important to you (to me): your relationship with your partner, your kid, your friends.

OP posts:
DingDongDialsMavislyOnHigh · 10/12/2011 01:19

Good for you! I wish I had only had one child my life is horrendous with 2......
Was that what you wanted to hear?

lockets · 10/12/2011 01:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeuromanticisedVisionsofXmas · 10/12/2011 01:24

Whatevs. Hmm

applecrumbleandcream · 10/12/2011 01:34

I've got one dd, but after reading this I want another. Never really thought in depth about her being on her own in the future and that makes me sad! Wish I could afford another Sad

DingDongDialsMavislyOnHigh · 10/12/2011 01:46

I have none of what you mention. I have an 8 year age gap and it's been a piece of piss. If I had a shorter age gap they would be better friends though and actually interact on the same level but the beginning bit would be tougher, so it's swings and roundabouts.

If I was joining in the whole feel superior about my choices compared to others tip i would explain how hard it was for my mum to care for her elderly parents and then watch them die as an only but that would be very U towards people who want more than one but for whatever reason have stuck with one.

Everyone's individual circa are just that. I am on awe of a friend who has 4 and has kept herself as her IYSWIM as I couldn't. If we had stuck with 1 DS would have had a still great but different upbringing . My mum had what you talk about in respect to having 100% attention from her parents so was maybe better equipped to deal with those adult challenges I outlined above.

Basically your smug condescending tone has caused me to have an angry drunk rant!

WorraLiberty · 10/12/2011 01:52

Your time isn't taken up with all the laundry and shopping and sibling dispute resolution and taxi-ing kids to and fro.

Is anyone's time truly taken up with that sort of stuff in this millenium?

I'm 42 years old and the youngest of 5

If my Mum was alive today she'd be peeing herself laughing considering we have washing machines/tumble driers/online shopping and more two car families than you can shake a stick at.

OP, if you can't/don't want to manage more than one child in your family that's you but there are plenty of others who find it a breeze and their kids thrive in that family atmosphere.

TroublesomeEx · 10/12/2011 08:02

Not sure why people are being so defensive about this Confused

The OP made me smile. I don't think she's being smug or condescending.

She's just sharing a happy parent moment when she looks at her lot and thinks, "Do you know what? This is my family and it's great and I wouldn't have it any other way". Don't we all think that how ever many we have?

I have two with 7 years between them and it's great. I loved having one, I love having two. I wouldn't want any more, but I wouldn't judge those who do. That would seem like an odd thing to do!

(Unless I've completely got the wrong end of the stick - In which case don't shout at me!)

aldiwhore · 10/12/2011 08:09

I was happy with one, I'm happy with two and a cat.

NinkyNonker · 10/12/2011 08:10

My best friend is an only, she hated/hates it and vowed not to do the same. She resents her mother as she told her that she only had one because it was easier for her...her dad wanted more.

Every now and then I look at dd and think maybe one would be ok (am pregnant so that horse has bolted!) but then I realise that no, a family is better than just ok.

Yanbu to be happy with your lot though, even if I disagree.

aldiwhore · 10/12/2011 08:15

Smiledotcom you can do all that with 2, 3, 4! Sure you have to be a little more organised. I will argue with you though because although you're right about what you love, the same applies to families with multiple children.

Don't you do the laundry? Or shopping, when you only have one? Will your child never need a lift anywhere? (I shall be teaching my two about buses)

Sibling conflict resolution, well yes there is THAT but on the flip side there the sibling mutual entertainment.

Folkgirl I agree that this a a share of happy parenting and I LOVE threads that say 'yay my life is actually lovely' its nice to hear, but for a reason I can't quite put my finger on I do feel a little snippy and defensive with Smile's posts... but then, I have just woke up and the children are being annoying Wink

NotMostPeople · 10/12/2011 08:16

I have yet to meet an adult who was an only child who wasn't self centered. Harsh I know, but in my top ten reasons to have more then one. I have three, two times the work of one and three times the joy.

TroublesomeEx · 10/12/2011 08:19

Grin @ aldiwhore. All is quiet in my house. DD is colouring and DS is sleeping...

NotMostPeople My mum is an only child and she's completely ego-centric! But then so is my brother Confused Grin

Megatron · 10/12/2011 08:23

Your time isn't taken up with all the laundry and shopping and sibling dispute resolution and taxi-ing kids to and fro. You've got time to invest in the things that are really important to you (to me): your relationship with your partner, your kid, your friends.

I have two children. I don't really understand why you would think that I don't have the 'time to invest' in the things that are important to me too? They happen to be the same as yours though I would add my job to the list too. My time management is superb! Great for you that you are happy with your lot but so am I (and a lot of others with more than one child) and I don't consider my situation to be superior to anyone else's. My kids (both) of them, rock.

lockets · 10/12/2011 08:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FaverollesWithBoughsOfHolly · 10/12/2011 08:31

I have 4 and my life isn't taken up with laundry, shopping etc Confused. Maybe I'm not doing it right?

The sibling punch ups disputes can get a little wearing, but ultimately it teaches them to work out problems between them, and learn to think of each other, not just themselves.

molly3478 · 10/12/2011 08:38

I have 1 and a job, and am always out both with my family and having a very active social life but I still have loads of time to fit more kids in. Pregant with 2nd with 4 year gap and definitely want a 3rd in another 4 years. Its up to you though, however the things you mentioned dont take much longer than they did pre kids.