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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it my responsibility as a friend?

171 replies

littlemisssarcastic · 08/12/2011 20:47

I have a friend who is imo in an abusive relationship. Her P deprives her of money, doesn't lift a finger in the house at all, not even to make a cup of tea ever, she doesn't trust him with their DC because he has zero patience, and she really struggles to keep everything going.
She does all of the childcare, housework, cooking, cleaning, organising, everything. Her P works f/t and then spends the rest of his time playing computer games with his brother/surfing the net. (My friend is banned from using the net btw.) When he isn't doing those he is sleeping, sometimes for the whole day.

Now, whilst it is frustrating to watch her struggling and see the effect this relationship is having on their DC, she refuses to contemplate a life without him because she says he is a good man Shock and he is not perfect but he is the same as other men. Hmm

She talks about him alot, and brings him into every conversation, and I honestly don't think she can see how bad he really is. She criticises other people's partners when her own is awful. I have learnt to say nothing, because she gets defensive (I understand that.) and nothing changes so there seems little point until she accepts she deserves more IYSWIM.

Anyhow, her P lets her down alot, he wont take her shopping (she doesn't drive) and he sometimes disappears to his brothers all weekend from friday night to sunday evening to play computer games, leaving her with no gas (meter) and no electric (meter) and no money.

(He also takes the modem when he goes to work/his brothers so she can't go online for anything.)

She tells me all this and then says 'Ahhhh bless him, he worries' It is very frustrating to sit back and do nothing but that is the situation.

Anyhow, I am getting increasingly frustrated that while her P is playing computer games, or sleeping, my friend is asking her friends (including me) to take her shopping, because P is sleeping..bless him, or nip to the shop with her gas key (a bus ride away) and lend her a fiver to put some gas on, because her P hasn't left her with enough, or pick her DC up from nursery/school because her P has just phoned to say he wont be picking them up because he has gone to his brothers/is sleeping etc.

Only this last week, one of her DC was feeling quite poorly, and she needed to take this DC to the OOH Dr's (weekend) so she phoned her P but guess what? He was at his brother's and was in the middle of the next level on the computer game and couldn't just leave the game at that point, he needed to get to a save point first and he couldn't do that in time to drive back and take her to the Dr's. Shock

So she phoned me and I took them. On the way, she was very open about telling me that she'd told P not to worry, that she'd get a friend to help her out again and he wasn't to worry, she would cook his dinner for when he came home.

I feel that by helping her I am enabling him to continue not to bother. I don't want to see her suffer and her P knows this, he knows that she will find someone else to help her and the DC, but tbh, I am getting really frustrated by it now..it is every 2/3 days she needs another favour because her P has let her down again.

I am a shit friend, I know. I must be because I'm not happy about changing my plans at a moments notice to sit down a OOH Dr's surgery for 2.5 hours waiting for one of her DC to be seen, whilst watching the other DC when she went in to Gp with ill DC, because her P can't be fucking arsed and she can't see what's wrong with that!!

I must be a shit friend because I don't want to spend one day every week taking her shopping because her DP is fucking sleeping (after sleeping all night too) or surfing the net, or quite often because he just doesn't want to take her shopping..because he hates shopping (unless it involves power tools.) He has said this in front of me and other friends, so it is not just my friends version.

AIBU to think it's not my responsibility to pick up where her P is slacking and then have to listen to how bloody wonderful he is because she has to mention him in every single conversation, I kid you not??

OP posts:
sweetsantababy · 08/12/2011 20:52

YABU and you are not a shit friend. Her P is a dick. If it was me I would stop helping. I am happy to help anyome but not if their other half is not doing his bit. tit

sweetsantababy · 08/12/2011 20:52

YANBU

pollyblue · 08/12/2011 20:53

Bloody hell OP. Well you don't sound like a shit friend to me, quite the opposite.

What to do about it? Sorry, I don't know! I'd find it incredibly frustrating too - you're between a rock and a hard place, because if you stop helping out the only one who suffers if your friend, not her fuckwit of a DH. He needs shooting, but sadly I don't think that's an option........

Hope someone wiser comes along soon for you OP.

G1nger · 08/12/2011 20:56

You're a good friend. And you're right to be concerned.

NatashaBee · 08/12/2011 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Annpan88 · 08/12/2011 21:07

I think the only thing you can do, as a friends, is keep helping her, let her know you always will.

You can try to talk to her maybe from a 'do you really think its alright for me to drop everything to do things when your p can do it'

I think its important that you are there for her if you can be but she needs to know its not all great fun for you.

She must know deep down its not right, but until she's ready to admit it to herself there's nothing you can do

Original poster
littlemisssarcastic · 08/12/2011 21:15

My concern is as always..that if I refuse to help, it is my friend and her DC who ultimately suffer. Sad

Natasha I don't know if she pushes him to give her lifts/money or whether she quickly accepts defeat and asks her friends..but I have been there when he refuses and he is the type of person that once his mind is made up, he wont change it.

She spends every school holiday asking other people to take her and her DC's places because her P refuses/is too busy.

I feel rather sorry for her too, since she gets quite depressed too. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
littlemisssarcastic · 08/12/2011 21:19

Annpan That is what I have been doing, but tbh, I am a single parent and finances are very very tight and I'm not sure I can keep on much longer. I am struggling to afford to put petrol in my car myself, so while the odd emergency is okay, every week is just more than I can afford, yet I don't like to think of her struggling to get to the shops, or know that her DC can't get to the Dr's when they are ill. Sad

I have tried talking to her, but she just says 'bless him, he can't leave his game before he saves it/he's tired/he hates Dr's/shopping etc'.

OP posts:
SantieMaggie · 08/12/2011 21:22

I would continue to help for things like OOH DR but for anything else I would stop helping out tbh like the shopping which she knows she is going to have to do every week and that P won't help her so she should be finding some other way to do it rather than relying on you.

Times are tough I'm afraid and the cost of things like petrol are going to increase and you need to put yourself and your family first.

AKMD · 08/12/2011 21:28

YANBU to be concerned. What a sad situation :( I would continue to help her out where it wouldn't be to the detriment of your family. It's no use paying for someone else's bills, transport and entertainment if you can't afford your own.

I thought Annpan88's suggestion for talking to her was a good one. Even if it doesn't achieve the desired result, she has to know that this is not normal or right.

G1nger · 08/12/2011 21:36

I too would continue to help with medical emergencies (but the condition must be serious enough). I wouldn't continue to help with anything else. I also suspect you're not doing enough to show how difficult it is for you, but that you're making her excuse-making too easy. She should be embarrassed to ask for your help - you have a role to play in making this happen.

Original poster
littlemisssarcastic · 08/12/2011 21:47

G1nger You are probably right, I probably make her excuse making too easy, yes.
She is definitely not embarrassed to ask anyone to help, but without making her feel that she can never ask for help, I am not sure how to get it across that an emergency is ok, but constantly helping her with money/lifts/picking up DC/looking after DC because her P is not available to do it is not right.

I suppose in her eyes, it is an emergency if her DC isn't going to be collected from school, and is going to be virtually stranded in the playground.
Or if she doesn't have enough milk/bread/food for dinner and can't get to the shops (no money for bus.)

I just feel torn. Sad

OP posts:
AKMD · 08/12/2011 22:00

G1nger makes a good point. If your friend calls you and says that they have no heating/food/access to healthcare then if you didn't help out it would be a matter for SS. It should be a matter for SS so make it happen.

MCos · 08/12/2011 22:38

Regarding the shopping, could you arrange that when she needs a lift to do her shopping that she needs to come with you when you do your own shopping? That way you don't have an extra journey, and if she is stuck she knows she can travel with you at that time?
It sounds terrible situation. I know I would not have much patience with it.

SouthStar · 08/12/2011 23:22

I think you need to tell her straight that she needs to be sorting out her relationship instead of making other people feel sorry for her because she is enabling her dp's behavior.

It shouldnt be on your shoulders to be worrying about how she is going to get the weekly shop.
Failing that tell her shit of a partner to stop acting like a spoilt little brat.

specialagentmeh · 08/12/2011 23:39

You sound very nice and your friend sounds quite annoying. Her partner sounds awful, but your friend does seem to endorse his rubbish attitude with all that 'bless him' stuff. Does she do nice things for you/ help out when you're stuck?

StealthPolarBear · 08/12/2011 23:49

I would continue to help but make no pretence of hiding my dislike for/annoyance with P

"So P's let you down again?"
"Cleared off with the cash has he?"
"Can't leave his computer game - what a star dad!"

You cannot continue to silently condone his actions, but I agree it would be hard to stop helping.

lisaro · 08/12/2011 23:50

Sorry to be harsh, but this mess is of her own making. Instead of bailing her out just leave her to it. Maybe then she'll wake up and take control of her life. It's called tough love.

specialagentmeh · 08/12/2011 23:51

Did she take responsibility for herself & manage her life better before meeting him or has she always been like this?

vincettenoir · 09/12/2011 00:06

I agree with others that said you should help her with emergencies only. if you stopped taking her to the supermarket her family wouldn't starve. She would just have to find another way. I couldnt be friends with someone like this - but that's just me. I can't see her wising up anytime soon.

TotemPole · 09/12/2011 00:16

He's abusive and controlling. How to get it across to her and at the same time not leave her and the DC in a worse situation.

Is/Are the DC(s) his?

I agree that you should stop helping so much. Back off gradually. Say no to the non essentials to start off with.

Are you out in the sticks? Is it that far to the local shop to pick up a pint of milk?

aldiwhore · 09/12/2011 03:42

All you can reasonably do is what you CAN do, and you can't change her DP or her, but you can make your feelings known, not see her go without (so long as your charity doesn't leave you without) and be there for her emotionally.

You''l either get tired of doing this after ten or so years, or she will leave him. As a friend you have to be patient and give only what you're prepared to give. Don't pay her leccy meter, but have an open door policy if she's in the dark for example... doing everything he/they should be doing won't make her want to change, so choose your help wisely.

When I was desperate, my loyal wonderful friend never turned me away, but likewise I knew I couldn't ask her to top up my leccy meter! She helped by being there, didn't hinder with opining to my (then) OH, she showed me the exit but didn't push me through it... bless her, it took her 5 years for me to catch up and use it, but she was there on the other side with balloons and more practical help to help me stay the right side of a horrible relationship. Had she scooped me up at any other point, she'd have dne more harm than good because I thought the problem wasn't with him but me.

Flimflammery · 09/12/2011 04:02

I feel that by helping her I am enabling him to continue not to bother.
Exactly.

Can you ask her 'What would happen if I couldn't help? Would he leave you and the kids starving/abandoned at school/freezing?' and see what she says. If she says, yes he would. Then you gently say 'That's not what a normal responsible loving father does, is it? It's not normal to not be allowed to use the internet, or to not be left enough money for food. Sweetheart, it's abusive.'

Then she'll make excuses for him, but maybe just a little bit will sink in.

OP: YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER OR HER KIDS. Her cocklodger H is taking advantage of your kindness. You need to draw a line somewhere.

empirestateofmind · 09/12/2011 05:07

He takes the modem to work? He leaves her short of money for essentials?

Wow just wow. Please do not enable this to continue. Poor woman.

brdgrl · 09/12/2011 05:22

Do you have other friends who feel the same way? Has she al;ready run through/worn out some of the others?
I know it is a dangerous suggetion, as she's bound to be quite defensive and you do say she isn't in a place yet to want to help herself...but I think you need an intervention of sorts. Take her to lunch with a couple of other friends, and tell her how you feel. Explain that you are concerned about her quality of life, and worried about how much stress she must be under. Tell her you want to help make things easier for her, but you can't continue to pick up the slack for her DH. Ask her what you can do to help her organize things, and let her know that you will be there in a genune emergency.