Is it my responsibility as a friend?

[littlemisssarcastic]

I have a friend who is imo in an abusive relationship. Her P deprives her of money, doesn't lift a finger in the house at all, not even to make a cup of tea ever, she doesn't trust him with their DC because he has zero patience, and she really struggles to keep everything going.
She does all of the childcare, housework, cooking, cleaning, organising, everything. Her P works f/t and then spends the rest of his time playing computer games with his brother/surfing the net. (My friend is banned from using the net btw.) When he isn't doing those he is sleeping, sometimes for the whole day.

Now, whilst it is frustrating to watch her struggling and see the effect this relationship is having on their DC, she refuses to contemplate a life without him because she says he is a good man and he is not perfect but he is the same as other men.

She talks about him alot, and brings him into every conversation, and I honestly don't think she can see how bad he really is. She criticises other people's partners when her own is awful. I have learnt to say nothing, because she gets defensive (I understand that.) and nothing changes so there seems little point until she accepts she deserves more IYSWIM.

Anyhow, her P lets her down alot, he wont take her shopping (she doesn't drive) and he sometimes disappears to his brothers all weekend from friday night to sunday evening to play computer games, leaving her with no gas (meter) and no electric (meter) and no money.

(He also takes the modem when he goes to work/his brothers so she can't go online for anything.)

She tells me all this and then says 'Ahhhh bless him, he worries' It is very frustrating to sit back and do nothing but that is the situation.

Anyhow, I am getting increasingly frustrated that while her P is playing computer games, or sleeping, my friend is asking her friends (including me) to take her shopping, because P is sleeping..bless him, or nip to the shop with her gas key (a bus ride away) and lend her a fiver to put some gas on, because her P hasn't left her with enough, or pick her DC up from nursery/school because her P has just phoned to say he wont be picking them up because he has gone to his brothers/is sleeping etc.

Only this last week, one of her DC was feeling quite poorly, and she needed to take this DC to the OOH Dr's (weekend) so she phoned her P but guess what? He was at his brother's and was in the middle of the next level on the computer game and couldn't just leave the game at that point, he needed to get to a save point first and he couldn't do that in time to drive back and take her to the Dr's.

So she phoned me and I took them. On the way, she was very open about telling me that she'd told P not to worry, that she'd get a friend to help her out again and he wasn't to worry, she would cook his dinner for when he came home.

I feel that by helping her I am enabling him to continue not to bother. I don't want to see her suffer and her P knows this, he knows that she will find someone else to help her and the DC, but tbh, I am getting really frustrated by it now..it is every 2/3 days she needs another favour because her P has let her down again.

I am a shit friend, I know. I must be because I'm not happy about changing my plans at a moments notice to sit down a OOH Dr's surgery for 2.5 hours waiting for one of her DC to be seen, whilst watching the other DC when she went in to Gp with ill DC, because her P can't be fucking arsed and she can't see what's wrong with that!!

I must be a shit friend because I don't want to spend one day every week taking her shopping because her DP is fucking sleeping (after sleeping all night too) or surfing the net, or quite often because he just doesn't want to take her shopping..because he hates shopping (unless it involves power tools.) He has said this in front of me and other friends, so it is not just my friends version.

AIBU to think it's not my responsibility to pick up where her P is slacking and then have to listen to how bloody wonderful he is because she has to mention him in every single conversation, I kid you not??

She showed no concern or care for you when you needed her, why the hell are you worrying about her!

Oh right. I would just be polite and thats it

I would have to say something to her, i really would. I would tell her you were really really upset that she didn't want to help you and leave it at that.

You sound a nicer person than me. All the worrying about her being a victim etc It is not your responsibilty. Where was she for you? Friendship is a two way thing.

Glad your DS is all present and correct, phew!

As for your mate (?), she sounds like a huge waste of your time and resorces. Friendship works two ways and unless you either harden your heart and ditch her or decide to treat her as your own personal good deed generator and not expect any help in return you're going to be let down over and over again.

If it was me I'd probably file her under " charity case, to-be-helped-if-convenient " and concentrate your actual friendship on people who act like actual friends to you!

"You sound a nicer person than me. All the worrying about her being a victim etc It is not your responsibilty. Where was she for you? Friendship is a two way thing."

bringback has just said all that needs to be said.

I'm so glad that your DS is safe and you have seen him. If it is any comfort when we were burgled they took my handbag, which was found minus cash, but with cards / driving license etc still in it, discarded in a bush down the road.

LMS you need to toughen up here a little bit.

I was in a similar friendship with a 'victim of circumstance' and I used to drop everything to help her, her children - to the point where my own family were suffering. It all came to a head when after years of helping her out, I had to go to a funeral with DH as his aunt had died very suddenly... anyway, she gave me a flimflam excuse why she couldnt have my DC and I was left reeling. I got so upset that I called her in tears and let rip. She did have my DC, but you know what, that was the end of the friendship.

I still see her now, but only on my terms. I learned the hard way that this was a one way friendship. And I think you have too.

Glad your DS is ok.

What happened at the weekend was your wake up call re your friend. She will find some other mug person to get her to do things for her... until everyone wises up and lets her stand on her own two feet.

If you or others dont help then the OH will do it - OR she will scrape together the bus fare and get her shopping. One way or another she will do it, so stop enabling her and her partner.

She sounds like a cow. I am so angry for you. Sadly, there are takers like this. They hide behind the fact that they have circumstances that people feel sorry for, and milk it to the maximum. I know someone who continues to stay with a prat of a husband like this (but he's much worse) and needs favour after favour after favour, mostly monetary.

Well I started out feeling sorry for her. The taking of the modem etc sounded as though she was completely controlled by him. But even before the incident with your poor DS I thought she was a complete idiot. She sounds really thick if she can't see that her P lounging about and refusing to see to his dcs is at all normal. I also think she is using you and emotionally manipulating you in a "we are women together who help each other because men are terrible " sort of way. I think you need to print out this entire thread and post it to her frankly. You feel worried about her, you are obviously a kind and motherly person, but she doesn't seem to care about you at all. Do you really want to go on with the friendship? Her partner is vile and she is allowing his inadequacies to also control her friend's lives. She isn't embarrassed at all is she? You deserve a far better friend than this. Really, print this out and give it to her, maybe it will be the kick up the arse she clearly needs.

Get it out of your head that she is a victim. She is not - it just convenient for her to make you think she is, so you continue to feel sorry for her and continue helping her out.

When you don't help her out she will have to confront the issues with DH and force him to do more or her eyes will be open and she'll leave. She knows this, so it's in her interests to play the "victim" card to you. She doesn't need to rock the boat at home with friends like you around to make her life so easy.

She doesn't deserve you as a friend now, after the recent developments, but I can understand if you want to continue to be her friend, - after all you too, will lose out on her friendship if you drop her, which will also make you sad and impact on your life.
BUT
You can never go back to the old friendship- too much has changed and there is too much resentment on your part.

What you could do (only if you are reluctant to lose the friendship which is what she truly deserves) is talk/send her a letter and open up your heart. Make it clear that in future you will only be there for true emergencies or if you don't have to go out of your way. Make sure she realizes that you expect this in return and that she failed miserably at the weekend. Depending on her response, then you can decide if there is any chance that the friendship might be rescued. Make it clear that if, at any point in the future, she makes any sort of fuss when you say no or if she lets you down again then no second chances. Mean it and follow through.

Don't worry about her children. If she is thrown a lifeline by you and she messes it up then that is HER CHOICE. You will know that you have tried your best and you should not feel guilty or in any way responsible for HER CHOICES AND ACTIONS.

You broke away from your abusive ex. Make sure you have the same strength to do so with your abusive friend. SHE IS NOT THE VICTIM HERE - YOU ARE. She has manipulated you into making her life easy.

You have been a great friend. You have gone above and beyond being a good friend. There comes a time when you need to break away - nobody would blame you. Now is probably the time unless you feel like giving her this ONE last chance. If you do, she needs to know exactly how you feel and she needs to be grateful for the much more limited help you will prepared to offer in the future. If she's not sorry for her actions at the weekend or not appreciative of the little you are prepared to offer in the future then forget her. You have done your best.

Good luck

sorry that should have read "not AT ALL normal". (sleep deprived!)

"You broke away from your abusive ex. Make sure you have the same strength to do so with your abusive friend. SHE IS NOT THE VICTIM HERE - YOU ARE. She has manipulated you into making her life easy."

Very well said.

Wow, this woman is a complete user and a bitch with it. How dare she not help the one time you need her after everything you've done? This is making me angry just reading it.

Please cut her off in future - its not your problem if she can't get to the doctors or the shops. Once you stop enabling her she'll find another way.

I do hope you end this friendship and tell her why.

When you help her, you're actually helping him. You're taking the edge off the problems he causes, making it easier for him to get away with it. She will never leave/demand change until she actually hits rock bottom - and you're the net stopping that happening. If you really care about her, go through the pain/guilt of stepping away and letting her fall, because it's the best thing for her long term. You are enabling him right now.

So in a nutshell OP, you're not to be her friend anymore. See above for evidence of this. Bump away at drop off and pick up, but nothing more.

If you ever feel stuck for a response, drop in and we'll all sort you out.

OP, I'm so glad to hear your DS is OK.

I can understand you feeling sorry for your friend. I can even understand you fogiving her for not looking after your DD if she honestly felt unable to leave her DSs with her twat P. The thing I would not be able to forgive is the fact that she was not there for you in an emotional way in your hour of need, giving comfort and support even if she felt unable to help you practically, and instead dismissed your concerns. That is NOT related to her P, it was her own choice, and for me that would be the end of the friendship.

how did it go when you saw her the other day OP?

She was waiting for me outside the nursery along with another friend, and asked me if I had time for tea. I usually do, but I said I was busy. Before I got the chance to say anything else, she began saying how bad she felt about not being able to help me out on friday, that she had felt guilty all weekend. (Strange, I didn't hear from her all weekend to explain how bad she apparently felt.)
She slightly changed her story by saying that she couldn't leave her DC alone with her partner if he had already gone to bed because once her partner is asleep, nothing short of the DC punching him or shouting in his ear would wake him. Apparently, he has always been the same.
This made it sound different to a deliberate decision on her partner's behalf not to get up if the DC needed him.

She finished by repeating that her partner had to get up early on Saturday morning for work, and would have been unfair to wake him.

I walked away. I did not want to have it out with her in front of our friend. I was embarrassed enough by her going over it in front of our friend, and just thought I'd rather speak to her in private. Obviously she doesn't share my sentiments.

Sounds like she did it deliberatley in front of other friend so you wouldn't make a scene.

distance yourself littlemiss she is no friend, she's a user.

And like me, you've learned the hard way.

As poultry has said . Changing her storey too, and know you will not co front her in front of her friend. I would have nothi g more to do with her

Thanks for the update, I've been dying to know how it went!

Good for you for not caving in to her manipulative ways.

I'm sorry for you though, because you have been a wonderful friend to her and she has treated you badly.

It is a little comforting to see she has a conscience; I hope it is lumbered for some time!

Stay strong and stick with your real friends.