Is it my responsibility as a friend?

[littlemisssarcastic]

I have a friend who is imo in an abusive relationship. Her P deprives her of money, doesn't lift a finger in the house at all, not even to make a cup of tea ever, she doesn't trust him with their DC because he has zero patience, and she really struggles to keep everything going.
She does all of the childcare, housework, cooking, cleaning, organising, everything. Her P works f/t and then spends the rest of his time playing computer games with his brother/surfing the net. (My friend is banned from using the net btw.) When he isn't doing those he is sleeping, sometimes for the whole day.

Now, whilst it is frustrating to watch her struggling and see the effect this relationship is having on their DC, she refuses to contemplate a life without him because she says he is a good man and he is not perfect but he is the same as other men.

She talks about him alot, and brings him into every conversation, and I honestly don't think she can see how bad he really is. She criticises other people's partners when her own is awful. I have learnt to say nothing, because she gets defensive (I understand that.) and nothing changes so there seems little point until she accepts she deserves more IYSWIM.

Anyhow, her P lets her down alot, he wont take her shopping (she doesn't drive) and he sometimes disappears to his brothers all weekend from friday night to sunday evening to play computer games, leaving her with no gas (meter) and no electric (meter) and no money.

(He also takes the modem when he goes to work/his brothers so she can't go online for anything.)

She tells me all this and then says 'Ahhhh bless him, he worries' It is very frustrating to sit back and do nothing but that is the situation.

Anyhow, I am getting increasingly frustrated that while her P is playing computer games, or sleeping, my friend is asking her friends (including me) to take her shopping, because P is sleeping..bless him, or nip to the shop with her gas key (a bus ride away) and lend her a fiver to put some gas on, because her P hasn't left her with enough, or pick her DC up from nursery/school because her P has just phoned to say he wont be picking them up because he has gone to his brothers/is sleeping etc.

Only this last week, one of her DC was feeling quite poorly, and she needed to take this DC to the OOH Dr's (weekend) so she phoned her P but guess what? He was at his brother's and was in the middle of the next level on the computer game and couldn't just leave the game at that point, he needed to get to a save point first and he couldn't do that in time to drive back and take her to the Dr's.

So she phoned me and I took them. On the way, she was very open about telling me that she'd told P not to worry, that she'd get a friend to help her out again and he wasn't to worry, she would cook his dinner for when he came home.

I feel that by helping her I am enabling him to continue not to bother. I don't want to see her suffer and her P knows this, he knows that she will find someone else to help her and the DC, but tbh, I am getting really frustrated by it now..it is every 2/3 days she needs another favour because her P has let her down again.

I am a shit friend, I know. I must be because I'm not happy about changing my plans at a moments notice to sit down a OOH Dr's surgery for 2.5 hours waiting for one of her DC to be seen, whilst watching the other DC when she went in to Gp with ill DC, because her P can't be fucking arsed and she can't see what's wrong with that!!

I must be a shit friend because I don't want to spend one day every week taking her shopping because her DP is fucking sleeping (after sleeping all night too) or surfing the net, or quite often because he just doesn't want to take her shopping..because he hates shopping (unless it involves power tools.) He has said this in front of me and other friends, so it is not just my friends version.

AIBU to think it's not my responsibility to pick up where her P is slacking and then have to listen to how bloody wonderful he is because she has to mention him in every single conversation, I kid you not??

Thank you for updating, sorry it's not better news :( frankly your friend sounds like a cock who deserves her awful partner. I would drop her completely and not look back.

I think MadameChinLegs has it spot on. If you can't say it to her, then write those words in a letter. She will just have to bail herself out from now on. Maybe then she will realise just how useless her partner is and get shot. :( and on your behalf. To be such a good friend and have it all thrown back in your face the one time you are in genuine need.... it tells you all you need to know about her.

She and her partner are dicks. Its not your job to sort out her problems. He is a wanker. But she is a complete selfish wanker as well.

Remeber the mumsnet saying . . . .

"No" is a complete sentence

Next time she texts "can you . . . ."

"No"

Oh did not realise that he was still with his friend littlemiss.

Goodness me this is ridiculous. She has double standards here. That you should help her but she isn't willing to help you. I agree with what the others have said - she is a user. Okay she might have to struggle and put up with a complete dickhead but that is no excuse or reason why she should be so slapdash about your life.

Why didn't she bring her kids over to yours? Keep an eye on your DD. Or at very least be apologetic when she couldn't help out. She isn't helping herself by letting him walk all over her but unfortunately she has no problem walking all over others, so she is clearly not a timid mouse.

If she wont figure out for herself what her partner is like and her friends have given her examples and she just wont listen it's her fault. We all want to believe our partner and see the good side of them but if someone is so obviously being mean and abusive it's pretty obvious even to the most optimistic of people.

I know it's hard to sit back and watch but you have to and honestly she isn't thinking of this kids. If she was she wouldn't be with him because she wouldn't want them to grow up with the same family unit. She knows it's not normal as you have said her Dad was doting on her as a child so she clearly is just delusioned.

If you ever think the children are in danger, call SS. I know I'd rather lose a friend than watch a child suffer because their parent is too delusioned to see what is good for them.

Step back and don't offer to help at all. Tell her she's made3 her bed and to lie in it. I'm a kind person but there is only so far you can be someones guardian angel.

OP, have you heard from your DS yet?

I am so sorry about your ds, I do hope he is home soon for a mothers day cuddle with you.

Send her this thread, and leave her to herself. I had a lot of sympathy at the start, seeing her in an abusive situation, but now it's just ridiculous.

Op I remember your thread. I really hope your ds is ok and that you hear from him soon. As with regards to your 'friend' she would be out the door. You have helped her and been there for her, but when you needed her she was not there for you. This friendship is very one sided, not much of a friend tbh.

You are not responsible for her, her P, her children, or their actions.It is her choice to live her life the way she does.
We are all steering our own boats through life, sorting out our own crews (our families). If someone can't sort their own ship out, then you don't risk your own boat sinking because someone won't help themselves.
I would drop her.
If her child is that ill and she can't get to OOH, then I'm sure SS can sort out temporary emergency childcare for her with foster parents. I know thats the last thing she wants, but if she has do it, then that is a result of her actions. It's not your responsibility.

Thanks for all the supportive posts.

DS finally showed up yesterday afternoon, armed with flowers and card for Mothers Day. He looks a bit battered and bruised but played it down, as is usual for him. He is more concerned atm that he has had his wallet stolen (bank card/money/driving licence) and his mobile phone. He has reported to police, and luckily had mobile phone insurance, so with a crime reference number, I suppose they will replace?
He has cancelled his bank card, but will have to pay for a replacement driving licence, and he has lost what money he had in his wallet. The police are doubtful he will see the money or the phone again. Although they did say it was possible his wallet with driving licence and bank card may turn up in the next few weeks. Apparently, they are sometimes discarded after the money has been taken, and then a passerby picks them up and hands the discarded wallet into police station. DS is not hopeful, but I am hoping someone will at least find his wallet and hand it in.

AFA friend is concerned, I have not heard from her since Saturday morning. I have never heard of a father who, in an emergency, being the only one in the house, wouldn't get up for his DC if they woke in the night and needed a parent. I find that so bizarre. I mean, they are his DC too, and the only reason she gives for staying with him is that she doesn't want her DC to grow up in a single parent household. She says it is not ideal for DC to grow up in a single parent household although from where I am standing, I honestly can't see any difference between a single parent and her situation, apart from she would have more money as a single parent. I wish I could understand, but I don't and it is just frustrating to watch or hear about.

I cannot understand a single reason why she stays with him, less so why she rates him so highly, or defends him so vehemently.

I have been in an abusive relationship, where XP had some redeeming features, but obviously they weren't enough to sustain the relationship.

Have you ever known of a woman in this sort of a relationship where even she cannot think of a single redeeming feature of her partner apart from that she doesn't want her DC growing up in a single parent household. I wouldn't want this man anywhere near my DC, influencing them at all tbh.

Maybe my anger should be directed at her, but at the moment I just feel utterly let down by her, whilst remembering that regardless of how deluded she is about her relationship and her partner, she is a victim, whether she can see that or not. I look at her little DS's and wonder what will become of them.

I am also hugely relieved that DS is now back in one piece.

That's good . I really would drop her as a friend as she does not sound like one

Not sure if I mentioned before, but I have been reluctant to refuse her a lift to the doctors (when partner not at home) or shopping, because she appears to have no other way of getting their apart from friends or her partner.
She rarely has any money, since she has to pay for all of the food/direct debits/electric/gas out of the small amount of CTC/WTC/CB she gets. Her partner only pays the rent/council tax/petrol to get him to and from work out of his wages. (He works f/t.)
The rest of the money (about £150 a week minimum) is spent on his cigarettes and computer games.
She admits he is mean and tight fisted, but apparently this is the only thing wrong with him. I'd say that was a huge flaw in a man, because it's not just about the money, it's about her not being able to afford the bus to town, whereas he is spending so much every week on himself.
Still, she has friends to ferry her and her DC around.

God, poor you, what a kick in the teeth.

But one day you will look back on this with pride about how far you have come. Because you are -

• not going to waste another moment on her problems
• save your energy for yourself, your family and your true friends
• find that your life becomes less stressful and a lot more enjoyable

I have been through similar... not as extreme as yours (I don't have the patience!) but I have learnt that

1. there is an endless supply of needy people
2. things are not neccessarily as they are portrayed
3. other people's problems don't have to be mine
4. helping is often confused with enabling

While you know all this now, it'll be a while before the shock and upset fade so do give yourself space and time.

I probably wouldn't ring her and say exactly what I thought but that's just me as I'd find it hard to cope with a crap response (which you're bound to get). I'd probably just respond to a text or phonecall with a "No" or "No thanks" depending on the request, and leave it to her to back off.

just seen your latest post,

I can understand your reluctance, but I think you need to refuse all her requests. She needs to find another way and lord knows she will because that's what people like her do best.

One day you will have more perspective on all this and you may re-read your posts and be shocked by how involved you were in her life. Trust me, she isn't worth it.

Definitely an abusive relationship. He leaves her without gas and electric?! With a small child?! He sounds like an absolute dickhead.

I agree with flimflam, but the only person who can change this is her. What a difficult position to be in, you sound like a lovely, supportive friend. Best of luck with making her see sense.

Thanks pigletmania and treadwarily.

I am sure you are all right, she isn't worth the grief, yet I can't seem to get past the thought that SHE is the victim here, and as such, as a friend, I should be helping her if I can.
Although tbh, I am not sure I can extend the hand of friendship any longer. It does all feel very one sided, and the only person who benefits is her shitty partner. OTOH, if her friends didn't help, the only people who would suffer is her and her DC.
I just can't bring myself to help her atm though. Won't be seeing her until tomorrow now, and one thing is for sure, I do not want to discuss how DS is, or what happened with her, and I am quite certain she will ask, probably to reply with something like 'See, I told you he'd be fine, you need to remember he is an adult, I knew he'd get back in one piece.' All will be said with a big grin on her face.
Argghhhhh!!!!

Glad your DS is OK, and really hope his wallet does turn up.

Do you think your friends P is actually at his DBs? Are you sure he's not running another woman on the side?

MrsApplepants He sees it as the gas/electric is her responsibility to be paid for from the CTC/WTC/CB she receives.

Clytaemnestra I have wondered this before although can't fathom what one woman sees in him, let alone another but ex friend has had to bus to his brother's before to meet up with him, so they can go shopping and he is always there. I have seen him arriving back at hers armed with games and wires and other paraphenalia.
I used to think there was a possibility he had another woman, (he has never been single his whole life and cheated on his last partner with my ex friend before leaving his last partner and moving into ex friend's on the same day.) but I don't think so anymore.

It wouldn't surprise me if he did cheat on her and leave her eventually though, so long as he could find another woman to tolerate him. I would hope there wasn't another woman who would want him. What is there to want??

Get rid of her. I'd have done that years ago. You can't help some people and she's a taker.

Unbelievable.

The next time she asks for help, all you have to say is, 'no I can't. But don't worry - you're an adult; you'll be fine'. And hang up.

I like that SodoffBaldrick. That is an excellent response!!

Why the hell are you meeting her. There are drains and radiators, drains take but do not give, like your friend. Radiators give but do not take. Don't wate more of your time on her, this incident showed her up for what she is. She is a victim as she lets herself. She has to admit there is a problem and do something about it, rather like an addict. By helping her you are doing her no favours. Grow a pair littlemiss where was SHE when you needed her! Her problems are not your responsibility

pigletmania Sorry, I should have explained, both our DC go to the same nursery on Tuesday's, so we will bump into each other tomorrow at drop off, not that I am specifically going to meet her.