Is it my responsibility as a friend?

[littlemisssarcastic]

I have a friend who is imo in an abusive relationship. Her P deprives her of money, doesn't lift a finger in the house at all, not even to make a cup of tea ever, she doesn't trust him with their DC because he has zero patience, and she really struggles to keep everything going.
She does all of the childcare, housework, cooking, cleaning, organising, everything. Her P works f/t and then spends the rest of his time playing computer games with his brother/surfing the net. (My friend is banned from using the net btw.) When he isn't doing those he is sleeping, sometimes for the whole day.

Now, whilst it is frustrating to watch her struggling and see the effect this relationship is having on their DC, she refuses to contemplate a life without him because she says he is a good man and he is not perfect but he is the same as other men.

She talks about him alot, and brings him into every conversation, and I honestly don't think she can see how bad he really is. She criticises other people's partners when her own is awful. I have learnt to say nothing, because she gets defensive (I understand that.) and nothing changes so there seems little point until she accepts she deserves more IYSWIM.

Anyhow, her P lets her down alot, he wont take her shopping (she doesn't drive) and he sometimes disappears to his brothers all weekend from friday night to sunday evening to play computer games, leaving her with no gas (meter) and no electric (meter) and no money.

(He also takes the modem when he goes to work/his brothers so she can't go online for anything.)

She tells me all this and then says 'Ahhhh bless him, he worries' It is very frustrating to sit back and do nothing but that is the situation.

Anyhow, I am getting increasingly frustrated that while her P is playing computer games, or sleeping, my friend is asking her friends (including me) to take her shopping, because P is sleeping..bless him, or nip to the shop with her gas key (a bus ride away) and lend her a fiver to put some gas on, because her P hasn't left her with enough, or pick her DC up from nursery/school because her P has just phoned to say he wont be picking them up because he has gone to his brothers/is sleeping etc.

Only this last week, one of her DC was feeling quite poorly, and she needed to take this DC to the OOH Dr's (weekend) so she phoned her P but guess what? He was at his brother's and was in the middle of the next level on the computer game and couldn't just leave the game at that point, he needed to get to a save point first and he couldn't do that in time to drive back and take her to the Dr's.

So she phoned me and I took them. On the way, she was very open about telling me that she'd told P not to worry, that she'd get a friend to help her out again and he wasn't to worry, she would cook his dinner for when he came home.

I feel that by helping her I am enabling him to continue not to bother. I don't want to see her suffer and her P knows this, he knows that she will find someone else to help her and the DC, but tbh, I am getting really frustrated by it now..it is every 2/3 days she needs another favour because her P has let her down again.

I am a shit friend, I know. I must be because I'm not happy about changing my plans at a moments notice to sit down a OOH Dr's surgery for 2.5 hours waiting for one of her DC to be seen, whilst watching the other DC when she went in to Gp with ill DC, because her P can't be fucking arsed and she can't see what's wrong with that!!

I must be a shit friend because I don't want to spend one day every week taking her shopping because her DP is fucking sleeping (after sleeping all night too) or surfing the net, or quite often because he just doesn't want to take her shopping..because he hates shopping (unless it involves power tools.) He has said this in front of me and other friends, so it is not just my friends version.

AIBU to think it's not my responsibility to pick up where her P is slacking and then have to listen to how bloody wonderful he is because she has to mention him in every single conversation, I kid you not??

Hippy I think he would turn straight around and go back out.

[ZonkedOut] We do have a mutual friend who is in a lovely marriage, but I don't think my friend would go for dinner unless her P was invited too...however would he manage of my friend didn't cook him his dinner?
Friend with lazy nasty P has said on many occasions to me and mutual friend that mutual friend's relationship with her DH is totally different to hers and her P's because mutual friend's DH has a much better job, more money, and only 1 DC, so not as much strain, and mutual friend's DH has a senior position which is sedentary, so of course he helps out more, while friend's P works so much harder and is much more tired...that's why he sleeps alot and wont help at home. Also mutual friend works p/t, therefore of course mutual friend's DH helps more...whereas my friend is a SAHM, so it is perfectly reasonable for her to do everything...after all, that's what SAHM's do isn't it?
If mutual friend managed to invite friend and her DC's round for dinner, she would probably hear the same lines again.

I have to say it's not a regular thing for my friend and her DC's to have no electric/gas and if I have misled anyone, I apologise. They usually have one or the other, because AFAIK, someone has always come to friend's rescue before it has run out, a neighbour or a friend has always rushed off to top up her meter until Mr Tightwad turns back up and gives her money or until her CTC/CB comes through.
I think in the 5 years I have known her, she has only run out of gas and electric twice, and that was for a few hours until a neighbour arrived home from work and rushed straight back out and got her some more. (We live in the arse end of nowhere, and bus service is v v irregular.)

TraceyMac2 P has done the shopping occasionally when CTC/CB has been spent on other things, and he will only go at certain times to ensure he gets the end of day reduced stuff. He's quite happy to spend his money on expensive imo computer games and cigarettes, but when it comes to shopping, he'll go to almost any lengths to save money. More in his pocket for himself then.
He wouldn't shop online because my friend is supposed to be responsible for buying the food/paying most bills out of the CTC/CB.

He refuses to pay for anything if he doesn't have to. Neither of them ever pay for anything at nursery/school if it is classed as a 'voluntary payment' which in itself isn't a bad thing but when you add that to his long list of tight mean behaviour, it is just another brick in the wall AFAIC.

Ria I honestly think she is so deep in her justifications for his behaviour and her excuses for him that she can't see how awful it really is.

I agree that backing off is the only thing I can do now, after I have tried to explain that most people would not consider this to be a fair relationship on her or her DC. It's like water off a duck's back.

She has 2 DS's and I have no idea what sort of long term effect this will have on them, but I don't see how they will ever view women as equals. OTOH, can parents be blamed for how their DC treat their partners years from now? Doesn't mn say that a man can't blame his parents for his bad treatment of his partner?

Oh I don't know...it's confusing.

You really do have to back off and your mutual friends too or she will never learn. If she is not able to help herself, than you and your friends should not enable it. She is sticking her fingers in her ears and going la la la, mabey she knows deep inside but is probably in denial, it certainly sounds like it. He does leave her without gas/electric as friends have to top her up on a regular basis, so she and her dcs have to go without.

Don't mean stop being her friend, but don't do stuff for he as you are enabling her behaviour. She is taking you and your other friends for granted, to to the things her P should be doing. Once you stop doing this mabey she will see things for what they really are. Once you do, I would also call SS to ask for advice.

She needs counselling to help her really, or she will never realise.

next time she asks give her the same excuse her DP gave "sorry I'm in the middle of a computer game"

Tough love op, thats the only way imo

Actually, in some ways I think she is a pretty bad friend herself. She must know that money isn't that plentiful for you.

It reminds me of those threads about other mums expecting MNers to constantly look after their children.

I bet that you could do this for years, then if circumstances were to change and you were to move away or need help yourself, you would never hear from her again. She has got into a 'victim of circumstances' role and is happy to shut her eyes to the impact on other people.

You make a good point BranchingOut.

It's a one way street.

really soumds like your friend needs the equivilant of a bucket of ice water dumped on her head-as in a short sharp shock that might enable her to see this is not normal
When she s giving off about other Dh s do you think she s doing it as a 'see other Dh s can be dh*s too? do you think she has any insight but is too embarassed to admit it?
I think when she s saying stuff about other dh s I would gently point out ... yes but he always ensure that the kids and her havew money for essentials.. or yes but he s not controlling/emotionally abusive etc
I think you should probably be quite direct too and state directly to her what seem s unreasonable ..

I don't understand why she criticises other people's husbands/partners, even X husbands/partners, i really don't.

I was in a rubbish relationship myself, and have been single now for almost 3 years, after I finally got rid of XP. (Not for want of trying, but rather from ineffective police who refused to remove my XP from my home etc), yet when I try to point out how wrong it is for her P to treat her the way he does, she always replies with 'Well at least he doesn't do XYZ like your XP did littlemisssarcastic.'

My reply is to say 'Yes, XP did XYZ, which is why I am no longer in a relationship with him.'

'Yeah, but your XP did XYZ and that's not as bad as what P says/does'

BUT IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE AS BAD OR WORSE TO BE A BAD RELATIONSHIP....I AM NOT WITH XP ANYMORE BECAUSE OF THE WAY HE TREATED ME, THEREFORE THERE IS NO LONGER ANY COMPARISON..I AM NOT WITH HIM, YOU STAY WITH YOUR XP!!

She replies ' Yes, but my P isn't a bad man and at least he doesn't do XYZ like your XP did.'

I think maybe I am missing her point in these conversations tbh.

Well, you have a couple of choices.

You back off a bit and start saying "No. Ask your P" more.

You and other friends who care about her sit her down and tell her how concerned you are.

Or you carry on as you are doing, until one day, hopefully, in the future she wakes up and realises what a dick he is, or more probably, he leaves her.
You sound like a fantastic friend and very supportive but you have your own life.

An update: I listened to what you all said on this thread, and began making my excuses as to why I couldn't help, but only when her partner was at home. If her partner was at work, I have helped her whenever I have been able to. I have taken her shopping every friday with me, so we go in the daytime when the DC are at school/nursery, so it hasn't been an extra journey for me.

I have taken her to the doctors a couple of times, when her partner was at work.

I have also picked up electric/gas for her when her DC were ill, and her partner was at work.

However, when her partner has been at his DB's or at home, I have made my excuses and either another friend has stepped in, or her partner has occasionally stepped up.

I honestly thought I was being a good friend, and have asked for nothing in return. She can be fun to be around, so I have enjoyed our time together tbh.

However, on friday evening, my eldest was attacked and mugged in the town centre. He was rather shaken up and wanted to get back to mine asap. I only found out because his friend phoned me to tell me. DS had his phone and money stolen.
I was in a panic. I had DD at home in bed asleep, and in my panic, I phoned this friend and asked her if she would mind sitting at my house (she lives in the next street) while I drove out to pick up DS.
She was the first friend I had been able to get in contact with. I explained what had happened and asked for her help.
She refused, on the grounds that she couldn't leave her DS's with her partner, even for 40 minutes, because if they woke while she was gone, he would refuse to get up for them.
She said it would be like leaving them home alone. Besides, partner needs his sleep, he has got to go to work tomorrow.

I didn't know what to say tbh, so I just said "Not to worry, if you can't help, you can't help. Got to go."

I phoned DS's friend back and told him I would have to wake DD, put her in the car and I would be on my way. DS's friend relayed this message to DS, who said 'Don't worry about getting DD out of bed if you don't have anyone to sit with her, I am going to walk to my friend's house.' DS's friend then said they had walked for a while since they had first phoned asking for a lift, and didn't tell me where they were now or what friend's they were going to.
My friend phoned me on Saturday to ask if everything had been sorted out. I told her DS had walked to a friend's house, but I had no idea where he actually was and hadn't been able to get back in touch with his friend either.

My friend laughed and said 'Well, he is an adult now, so he'll be fine. You worry too much! He'll turn up!'

Now, I feel rather gutted that when I asked for help, this was the response, but more than that, I feel pissed off that she could be so blase about my DS, yet still not see that it is not fucking normal to be unable to leave your DC with a perfectly healthy and able partner??

Maybe AIBU, but I am really pissed off at her attitude.

I don't know how I can face her after this, when I really needed her (the first time I have ever asked her to help me) she can't because of her waste of space partner, and she is so blase about my DS.
I have never asked her for help before, and apart from the times her partner is home, I have never refused her help, yet when I needed help, she puts her partner bloody sleeping again as more important than someone who has been fucking attacked and mugged!!!!

Please help me to calm down. I know IA probably BU, DS is not her responsibility, nor mine, since he is an adult, so just need someone to calm me down.
I really shouldn't feel gutted that when I needed her, she wasn't able to help me, should I?
If she was a lone parent, I wouldn't have rung to ask for her help. Maybe I need to think of her as a lone parent, but it's hard when she talks about him all the time and drops everything for him constantly.

Littlemiss, firstly I hope your ds is home now and getting over the shock.

Yanbu to expect a friend to help you out in your time of need. Maybe it is time for you to have a frank conversation. And pull back a bit on your support to her. Maybe she needs to hit rock bottom before realising what a waste of space her DH is. You have done your best by her but this is obviously not a balanced friendship if she cannot help you ever or empathise at all with yours and your ds' situation.

Poor you, I think you have every right to be cross with her lack of help and attitude. Personally I would be spitting feathers and would not feel like helping her ever again. It's not so much the refusal to help (she was able to regardless of what she said) more the attitude and lack of concern over your worry and stress.
I'm probably being a bit of a bitch though!

Sending hopes that your DS is fine and you hear from him soon.

I think this has been the wake up you need.

Refuse all further help, be honest if she asks about why.

You do not need this emotional vampire in your life anymore, she needs to sort out her own mess with her P. You focus on your own family.

When you waiver think of your DS.

Confuseddd I have not seen or heard from DS since friday evening. His friend phoned me on Saturday morning to tell me that DS had made it to his friend's on friday evening and had stayed there.
I have not heard anything since then, but I have no way of contacting DS and his friend's phone is switched off, or has run out of power).

I hope DS shows up at some point today.

That would be the end of the friendship for me, OP. I wouldn't want anything to do with her now. You were in dire need and she refused on the basis that IF her children woke, their own father wouldn't see to them? That's absolutely disgusting.

If you do decide to end the friendship then you should spell it out to her. Don't just avoid her. She is selfish and thoughtless and utterly deluded.

It's a comfort to know I am not the only one who would feel annoyed.

Arion 'It's not so much the refusal to help (she was able to regardless of what she said) more the attitude and lack of concern over your worry and stress.'

Do you think she was making an excuse because she didn't WANT to help, rather than that she couldn't?

That's how I read it littlemiss

I'm sorry, but I would never speak to this woman again let alone continue to help her do anything. What a bitch. Our kids are always our kids no matter how old they are and for her to refuse to help when you needed it is totally unforgivable - I have an 18yo DS and the thought of him being mugged and not being able to get to him is awful. I hope your DS is ok, tell this woman to find another mug.

My 20 year old son was attacked outside his halls of residence last week - his nose was broken. He didn't tell me until the next day and had plenty of help from his friends. However, if he had needed me and a friend could have helped but didn't, then that would be the end of the friendship.

OP, I think your friend sees herself and her family as deserving help, support, lifts, money and to be always put first. Her stupid, lazy husband and her stupid, ridiculous defence of him were enough for me to lose the friendship, but if after all the help you've given her over the years, she couldn't sit in your house for an hour whilst you picked up your son who had been attacked, then she isn't a friend of yours.

Funny that she says your son is an adult, when she and her husband so clearly don't behave as adults. She needs you when she's run out of milk - can you imagine how much she'd need you if her husband - bless him - had been injured?

You really find out who your friends are in times of serious trouble don't you?

I hope your DS is alright, what a terrible shock.

I don't think you should calm down actually.
The next time she contacts you to ask you to do yet another thing for her, i would tell her in no uncertain terms that you were very, very upset by her attitude, the fact she laughed and didn't give a shit that your son had been mugged, and that you were out of your mind with worry.
That you constantly ferry her to the shops and the doctors and she can't leave her children with their own father for 40 minutes to help you when you needed it, because he can't cope. And that basically her H is a selfish tosspot and she isn't a true friend.

I would be absolutely fuming

i really hope your son is ok.
but
your 'friend' is a total wanker.
you need to cut her out.