Is it my responsibility as a friend?

[littlemisssarcastic]

I have a friend who is imo in an abusive relationship. Her P deprives her of money, doesn't lift a finger in the house at all, not even to make a cup of tea ever, she doesn't trust him with their DC because he has zero patience, and she really struggles to keep everything going.
She does all of the childcare, housework, cooking, cleaning, organising, everything. Her P works f/t and then spends the rest of his time playing computer games with his brother/surfing the net. (My friend is banned from using the net btw.) When he isn't doing those he is sleeping, sometimes for the whole day.

Now, whilst it is frustrating to watch her struggling and see the effect this relationship is having on their DC, she refuses to contemplate a life without him because she says he is a good man and he is not perfect but he is the same as other men.

She talks about him alot, and brings him into every conversation, and I honestly don't think she can see how bad he really is. She criticises other people's partners when her own is awful. I have learnt to say nothing, because she gets defensive (I understand that.) and nothing changes so there seems little point until she accepts she deserves more IYSWIM.

Anyhow, her P lets her down alot, he wont take her shopping (she doesn't drive) and he sometimes disappears to his brothers all weekend from friday night to sunday evening to play computer games, leaving her with no gas (meter) and no electric (meter) and no money.

(He also takes the modem when he goes to work/his brothers so she can't go online for anything.)

She tells me all this and then says 'Ahhhh bless him, he worries' It is very frustrating to sit back and do nothing but that is the situation.

Anyhow, I am getting increasingly frustrated that while her P is playing computer games, or sleeping, my friend is asking her friends (including me) to take her shopping, because P is sleeping..bless him, or nip to the shop with her gas key (a bus ride away) and lend her a fiver to put some gas on, because her P hasn't left her with enough, or pick her DC up from nursery/school because her P has just phoned to say he wont be picking them up because he has gone to his brothers/is sleeping etc.

Only this last week, one of her DC was feeling quite poorly, and she needed to take this DC to the OOH Dr's (weekend) so she phoned her P but guess what? He was at his brother's and was in the middle of the next level on the computer game and couldn't just leave the game at that point, he needed to get to a save point first and he couldn't do that in time to drive back and take her to the Dr's.

So she phoned me and I took them. On the way, she was very open about telling me that she'd told P not to worry, that she'd get a friend to help her out again and he wasn't to worry, she would cook his dinner for when he came home.

I feel that by helping her I am enabling him to continue not to bother. I don't want to see her suffer and her P knows this, he knows that she will find someone else to help her and the DC, but tbh, I am getting really frustrated by it now..it is every 2/3 days she needs another favour because her P has let her down again.

I am a shit friend, I know. I must be because I'm not happy about changing my plans at a moments notice to sit down a OOH Dr's surgery for 2.5 hours waiting for one of her DC to be seen, whilst watching the other DC when she went in to Gp with ill DC, because her P can't be fucking arsed and she can't see what's wrong with that!!

I must be a shit friend because I don't want to spend one day every week taking her shopping because her DP is fucking sleeping (after sleeping all night too) or surfing the net, or quite often because he just doesn't want to take her shopping..because he hates shopping (unless it involves power tools.) He has said this in front of me and other friends, so it is not just my friends version.

AIBU to think it's not my responsibility to pick up where her P is slacking and then have to listen to how bloody wonderful he is because she has to mention him in every single conversation, I kid you not??

I agree with lisaro: she needs the tough love approach. Her husband is a goddam arse.

Strangely enough, from what she has said, her own father adored her, and spent every spare minute with her, so I truly don't understand it. Maybe I never will.

Hmm, maybe she needs to see it from her kids point of view then. Ask her to think about how she would feel if her doting dad wasn't so doting and didn't want to spend time with her, look after her, made sure the gas and electric didn't run out, took her mam shopping so there was enough food in the house. Then ask her how her kids must feel living like they do with a dad who couldn't give a shit.
As for her saying at least he doesn't cheat, I bet he does or at least flirts online and thats probably one reason he takes the modem with him so she can't find any evidence or so she can't find someone better.
Doesn't steal from her, er yes he does when he leaves her with no money.

As wierd as this may sound I have 2 questions,

What does his brother think of his complete lack of parenting/abusive parenting?

maybe her father was an arse, judging by her own self denial I wouldnt be too confident in what she told me. in the nicest way possible.

Does she have some perhaps moderate learning difficulty maybe, that may create problems in her seeing reality??

Brother doesn't give it much thought as far as I can tell. P and brother don't speak about it.
Friend doesn't appear to have any learning difficulties, although she is rather deluded imo.

Her DC adore their daddy, and anyway, he has told my friend that if she leaves him he will take the DC's with him...only because he loves them so much and they adore him too...nothing at all to do with being a twat you see.

Oh my god littlemiss I am what a wanker, feckwit, abuser. Ok my dh is totally undomesticated and does not help with the housework and cooking, but never ever like this! I am no legal eagle, but I don't think he would have a leg to stand on, as he is abusive and controlling, and leaves his family without food, heat on a regular basis.

I would love to see how far he gets with looking after the kids, especially when he has to actually get up off his arse, cook, look after himself and his kids. I can imagine them living in squalor without her.

I have asked her how she thought he would cope with the DC on his own, if he were to take them if they split. She said he has no patience and she doesn't trust him with the DC. He would leave them to watch tv or play the games console all day. They would never go out, and he would live in a pigsty...yes.

He works right? hes as this bro's all the time ? dont tell him next time he leaves her destitute pack essentials and leave, could she escsape to her mums???

I know easier said then done , but she is in a position to escape if she has too aslong as she has somewhere to go.

Oh yes, she has somewhere to go with the DC..if she wanted to leave.

argh must be so frustrating for you OP.

The problem is she has to realise that this is not normal, and want to change her situation. Its like an addict, they have to admit that they have a problem and want to change.

So, he leaves the DC with no heating and she defends him? I would be very tempted to call Social Services...

This struck a chord with me, because I was in a somewhat similar situation as a child growing up - not abuse, but other people's parents filling in for what my father would not do.

So, if my friends and I went to an afterschool or evening activity, my father would very rarely agree to pick me up. We were living in an area with little public transport and lots of main roads with few passing people, so not very safe to walk along as a lone female. His view would be that I could walk home or get a lift with someone. So of course, my friends' parents would see me about to set off aged 13, 14 or 15, in the dark, to walk home and would offer me a lift. They had taken the trouble to drive down to the school or wherever, park, wait and give their own daughters a lift home - it wasn't their job to fill in for my dad. He would generally refuse to get involved in reciprocal lift share arrangements too. As I grew older I felt increasingly conscious of it, but thankfully my friends' parents were kind people and didn't say anything.

If they had refused, well I don't think it would have changed his behaviour...but then I wouldn't have been able to do the activity without risking my personal safety.

I think that you should begin refusing, except in emergencies, but be prepared for the fact that your friend might spend some weekends going without shopping or electricity, because he won't necessarily step up to his responsibilities.

They have run out of electric/gas a few times AFAIK. My friend is literally living hand to mouth while her P keeps back enough of his wages for computer games/cigarettes/petrol to go to his brothers.

When I say she is skint, I mean, financially, she'd be better off on benefits without him. When he was unemployed, he was spending £90 a week on cigarettes, computer games and petrol to go to his brothers.

My friend was left with about £165 a week from the rest of the JSA after he had £90 of it for himself, CTC and CB to keep them all going.

I too think that enabling isn't helping. But it isn't just you. There are other friends too who are also enabling. Do you knoiw them?

It may be that you need to get together and agreee to only help in medical emergencies. Your friend sounds like she has no self esteem or any confidence left to enable her to protect her children (clothe/heat/feed). If you all back off then yes there may be times when your friend and her children are without food/electricity etc. If this does happen and she still doesn not do anything positive in order to resolve the situation theny I think if you care about her, which you clearly do, then you would have a responsibility to contact SS. ANd because of the lack of food/electricity etc there would be grounds for SS to become involved and hopefulkly work with your friend and get her the help she needs.

It will be a very difficult thing to do and it will be difficult for your friend to exprience but maybe she needs the threat of SS removing her children to understand the seriousness of her P's behaviour......and TBH her children's welfare is a higher priority than her wanting to stay with her P.

Really difficult situation. Hugs to you. x

BranchingOut That's exactly what I think would happen, he still wouldn't bother, and it is my friend and her DC's who would suffer..hence why I feel awful if I can't help them as much anymore.

what do you think would happen if he came home from work to find no dinner because there wasn't any money for food or electricity?

Hmm... This one wouldn't work with you, sorry, but do you have a mutual friend with a DP who is willing to go above and beyond to help illustrate a point? The next time she can't afford gas, electricity or a food shop, could they say they can't afford to lend any money, but she and her DCs are welcome over for dinner. Then have that friend's DP lay it on thick about helping out, doing his share, etc? So she has an actual example of how it can be.

I don't really know what else to suggest, she needs to want to be helped. It seems she is more scared of being alone than her current situation, even though she'd almost certainly be better off alone! And she has you as an example of a single parent, too, so it's not like she doesn't see how it can work.

I have no advice to add as everyone else has said what I would have.

Only to add that OP you are a very good friend, but you cannot compromise your own family for her.

If he won't step up and she won't leave then it would be a situation for SS

OP i have a friend a bit like yours. its been going on for 20 years. i dont think you can change your friend or her DP. but you can change your relationship with your friend.

i dont think she appreciates what you or her other friends are doing. She takes you for granted. i would start being unavailable and stay that way.

a healthy friendship needs to be balanced most of the time. & when you go the extra mile for them or them for you, its acknowledged in some way.

she is just using you to avoid dealing with her useless DP. it does not have to be like that.

I've been in your friend's situation and I don't think tough love will work. Except I had no friends and barely even saw my own family because he'd isolated me from them all. Looking back now I have no idea how it got to that stage, but I thought I needed him. I had no self esteem, he'd made me think I was an awful person who no one would ever want to be around and that he was basically doing me a favour by putting up with me. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere and if I did it was met with a tantrum and being ignored for days so I stopped going.

I saw him for what he was eventually but I'm not sure what triggered that either. I agree with the poster who said to invite her round for dinner and show her how family life should be. I think I started to see what I was missing in life when I went to uni (on days I was allowed to go) and met normal people.

This man sounds awfully familiar with the computer games, not working because of depression in the past etc. He sounds exactly like my ex. I feel for you OP, it must be so frustrating.

God it is making me so angry reading this! What a lazy, selfish slob. He doesn't deserve his children. Not doing the housework is one thing, but to leave them without electricity, heating and food! Especially in the winter. I think i would be tempted to seek advice from ss, its a hard one. It might make him buck his ideas up. I would also be tempted totell him what i thnk too, although i know that could affect your friendship, he would probably bar her from seeing you. My dh does 50% of everything. I became a SAHM in May, will probably go back to work in 2-3 yrs, but my dh has always done his fair share. He is upstairs at the moment with dds doing the hoovering! My parents say to me that my dh is so good for 'helping' me, I get really frustrated with them saying this as they are his dcs too, it's not helping, they are his responsibility too and he enjoys doing it. Does she have low self esteem? Is that why she puts up with this? Or is it her own pride that stops her from accepting publicly that he is treating her and dcs badly?
Could the friend ask her dp to do the shopping online as he seems to be so attached to his computer? At least then it would be delivered to their house. You sound like a good friend but you need to put you and your dcfirst.

You're in a very difficult situation, you sound like a wonderful friend and I don't blame you at all for pulling back.

I've noticed on here that often the final straw that drives women away from abusive partners is realising the effect on their dc. Do you think you could talk to her about this, whether this is the sort of relationship she wants her kids to aspire to? Shouldn't her ds grow up to be independent, her dd to have a partner who loves and respects her? Don't they deserve a father who gives a shit?