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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to treat DW's sexting as infidelity?

343 replies

JackMatthias · 08/12/2011 11:35

First post here so deep breath...

DW and I have been married for over 10 years and have 2 DCs aged 3 and 8. Good marriage IMO except physical side has never been that great for either of us. Anyway, all well until after birth of DC #2:

A few months after DC # 2 was born, her mobile text alert bleeps. She happens to be out of the room, her phone is next to me so I glance at it and see on it quite a flirtatious text from someone whom we'll call 'John'. Curiousity piqued, I grab the phone and see two or three texts back and forth between DW and John which are also flirty. I feel sick and I confront her over this and it turns out that John is an old flame from before my time. I make it clear how hurt and upset I am and she promises she'll not do it again. I feel bad about snooping and make up my mind to trust her. She swears blind that there's nothing in it; as far as she's concerned it's just a bit of harmless fun.

Ok, so I forgive, forget and move on. Until about three months ago - exactly the same thing happens. More traffic between her and John on her phone, this time of a more sexual nature on both their parts, although the impression is that he's largely the one driving it forward. This time I really blow up at her, tell her how angry I am, how betrayed I feel and that I feel I can't trust her. Again, she swears that it is purely a bit of fun, that it;s just an 'outlet', she has her ego massaged by it and she would never dream of cheating on me with this mush. I 'punish' her by sleeping apart from her for several days but gradually forgive her...

But this time I don't forget; I feel I can no longer trust. I don't feel bad about snooping on her phone any more and, guess what, more texts last week between her and John, more explicit, again mainly driven by him although she is hardly fending him off. This time I haven't confronted her, as the last two occasions clearly achieved Sweet FA but really don't know what to do about it. I haven't been able to get to her phone this week but am sure this is continuing, as I'm sure that what I've seen are just the texts she hasn't deleted.

Right now, I feel absolutely devastated, betrayed, very hurt, very angry but also very scared. I want our marriage to work and am willing to consider Relate or something similar (but that would involve me 'fessing up to her that I know about the latest bunch of texts), and I don't want to lose her or our DCs, but I find the whole situation really intolerable. I still love her very much but find it really difficult to be around her right now (she's noticed I'm withdrawn ATM). I'm also really worried that this latest rack of texts I've seen seems to be an escalation and that she will end up having an affair with John. Feel sick constantly and can't sleep ATM.

I feel really conflicted right now. Part of me want to throw her out but I still love her and don't want to do that to our DCs. Part of me wonders whether this is just an escapist fantasy for her and not unfaithfulness from her POV(maybe the female version of blokes looking at porn?) and I should just put up with it (not sure I can though) and play happy families and pretend nothing's happening. Part of me wants to track John down and send him a photo of the DCs asking him what his intentions are to my DW and how I should tell the DCs that, or even go postal on him and beat the bastard up!

So wtf should I do???!!!

OP posts:

DoesNotGiveAFig · 09/12/2011 09:18

Yes Iwasnever

DoesNotGiveAFig · 09/12/2011 09:20

Thanks Hecate

Original poster

JackMatthias · 09/12/2011 09:57

Doha, there is a lot at stake with option #2. For a start, regardless of whose 'fault' a marital split is, the courts tend to favour the wife when it comes both to property and children, and I really don't want to find myself looking forward to Christmas next year in a squalid bedsit with weekend (if that) contact with my DCs wondering "If only I'd gritted by teeth and toughed it out rather than precipitated things, would I be here?" I'm a low-risk sort of person so, believe me, that's a big step for me to take.

There's also the issue of timing: do I really want to have this barney with her just before Christmas?

OP posts:

Whatmeworry · 09/12/2011 10:15

there is a lot at stake with option #2. For a start, regardless of whose 'fault' a marital split is, the courts tend to favour the wife when it comes both to property and children, and I really don't want to find myself looking forward to Christmas next year in a squalid bedsit with weekend (if that) contact with my DCs

That is partly why I suggested getting prepared first.

Original poster

JackMatthias · 09/12/2011 10:34

I'm not sure that any amount of prep. would change the attitude of a family court judge....would it?

OP posts:

fuzzynavel · 09/12/2011 11:22

So, Jack are you going to put up and shut up AGAIN then?

AbbyAbsinthe · 09/12/2011 11:34

Sorry, Jack, I think that's completely untrue. There are lots of single parents here, I've been one myself for 2 years, and at no point have I ended up in a 'squalid bedsit'. If you work, you can rent somewhere half decent can't you?

It all depends what you consider more important really. If you'd rather keep your house and your lifestyle.... I would rather live in a shoebox than stay in an unhappy marriage, but maybe that's just me

TheOriginalFAB · 09/12/2011 11:43

For your marriage to be saved you have to both want it to be. You have to talk to her and say what you expect.

SirCliffRichardSucksEggsInHell · 09/12/2011 12:05

Jack - custody is usually given to the main care provider. However as others have said, there is no reason for you to leave. She cannot throw you out or get an injunction and already you are assuming the worst.

Ok worst case scenario is that she flips and the atmosphere is horrible with neither of you speaking (a very childish attitude) and in that case it's a matter of who cracks and packs their bags first. However, most women would not want that scenario just before Christmas either.

You both care deeply for your children and you know your wife better than we do. Would she really spoil their Christmas? Deny you access?

Remember that she is in the wrong here. So it's not as though you are being completely unreasonable and are asking her to leave. You just want her to be completely truthful with you as to why. You also want to be able to trust her again and I think from your posts that you want your marriage to work. All of those things are achievable. I doubt she wants to lose you and have a broken home either and I think she knows that this John will not take her and the kids on. This is a fling, nothing more. She's not even met him. So there is no way she is going to throw away her marriage for this guy - this was just her bit on the side, her excitement and escape.

That is not giving her an excuse by the way. We all need an escape but we don't all cheat.

If you carry on this way you are both living a lie. Pretending that all is well when it is far from it. Christmas will be strained at best. At least if you confront this issue now, it's not a weight hanging around your neck.

Stop looking at the worst case scenario because that may well not happen for the reasons listed above. Sure she'll be angry at you snooping and on the defensive as she's been caught out again - but I will make a point I made before. Have you considered that she wanted to be caught before it got any further?

Who in their right mind, after being found out twice, leave their phone for their dh to look at? Would you not make sure that your phone was locked? Or on your person at all times? Perhaps this is her way of telling you that things are not going well, perhaps it's her way of wanting you to stop her having that affair?

She obviously knows something is up and she'd be hugely stupid not to guess what that is.

Good luck but I do wish you'd bite the bullet. I hate the thought of you carrying this over Christmas.

Original poster

JackMatthias · 09/12/2011 13:04

Iwasneverconfused, thanks for your honesty. I presume you meant to say that you think IABU? There is a strong possibility I think that what you describe is what's happening here. If that is the case, would I be wrong to confront her about it? You don't mention having had such a tete-a-tete with your DH so I wonder what caused you to stop? Did it just peter out? What did it take for you to stop?

OP posts:

iwasneverconfused · 09/12/2011 14:02

Jack - no, YANBU. You have already made your feelings about it plain, and she has chosen not to take any notice of them. (Though I am with the earlier poster who asked why she has made it so very easy for you to discover the repeat offences. I cannot fathom that at all. Why take such a silly risk? Unless she wants to have this out on the table.) I did tell my DH about the situation - not the nitty gritty details - but the fact of the declaration and the effect it had on me - and he seems now to be more aware of my need to be seen as a woman, not just a mother. That makes it sound like he was at fault, and obviously it was me at fault in how I chose to deal with the situation. But our relationship is vastly improved. The other party and I agreed that this could not end well and that if we were to continue we would in all likelihood make a ridiculous and stupid error that neither of us really wanted and which would hurt many people. Sometimes DH even sexts me these days......

Original poster

JackMatthias · 09/12/2011 15:06

Fuzzynavel, I haven't decided yet. I've said I'm very cautious by nature and I don't want to be steamrollered into making a swift decision.

OP posts:

Original poster

JackMatthias · 09/12/2011 15:51

Concerning the whole sex thing, I'm not sure I can have sex with her the way I'm feeling right now. I can't even get it up at the moment when lying next to her

OP posts:

fuzzynavel · 09/12/2011 15:59

Jack, not sure what people can say to you any more about this.

Original poster

JackMatthias · 09/12/2011 16:17

I know. I need to think about this and make my mind up.

Thanks for all the advice thus far!

OP posts:

HattiFattner · 09/12/2011 16:24

Jack, I think its time to ask her if she wants out of your marriage. I think that actually telling her how hurt and bewildered you are, and letting her know that you want to fix things would be good.

But I also think that you have to be 100% upfront about the other man, and make sure she knows that to save your marriage, she must give him up. Today. Be completely upfront and honest that this is a dealbreaker, and she now has to chose between the two of you - no more chances.

I would also make sure that she understands what would be at stake - that you would want joint custody of the kids, you would want the house sold and proceeds divided....I think she needs to fully understand that this is decision time.

Id ask about the other man - is he married?

I think that, if she choses you, you should be clear that if she ever speaks to him again, you will be in touch with his wife. ANd I think you need to have that conversation with him too.

I know someone in the same situation. He has taken the ignore it approach. SHe has continued her flirtations and has moved on to another person to sext too.

I have lost all respect for her, and actually for her husband too.

tempestuous · 09/12/2011 16:33

testing

tempestuous · 09/12/2011 16:33

My experience mirrors Iwasnever...

It was only going on for a few months though, and never really developed into anything beyond some texts. It come to a full stop when my husband found out. He was shocked. Did not give me time to explain. There was nothing to explain. The evidence was pretty self evident. Then he packed his bags and left.

I honestly did not know what hit me.

But suddenly, my husband was once again the most important person in my life.

I kept ringing, and ringing. He had turned off his mobile. The kids were sleeping. I was awake all night worrying where he had gone. He had taken his passport, his laptop, his money, his banking things, toiletries and a change of clothes (he always travels light for business, and buys clothes on location).
The car was still there. It was the worst night of my life.

He returned the next morning. He was very brief.

"We will never speak of this again. I do NOT want to listen to anything you have to say about the matter. If you betray my trust like this again, that is the end of our marriage."

This was more than 5 years ago. Our marriage has gone from strength to strength. It has not been spoken about since. The issue was for me to figure out, and work with. There was nothing he had done. It was all related to my own emotions and tackling the idea of myself as mother rather than a goddess.

Original poster

JackMatthias · 09/12/2011 16:48

Did you intend being unfaithful/ regard it as infidelity? Do you think you would have eventually followed through if he hadn't've found out?

OP posts:

tempestuous · 09/12/2011 16:53

No, I did not intend it, it just escalated. It never occurred to me that this was regarded infidelity. I had always been a very "prim and proper" sort of type, who was quite jealous, and had the idea that even a snog was a betrayal. I dont think I would have taken it further. I was just naive, and desperate to feel good about myself. I also bought new clothes, sorted my hair out, and started taking an active interest in my husband at the same time.

tempestuous · 09/12/2011 16:53

It was an escape from reality.

Original poster

JackMatthias · 09/12/2011 17:01

Do you think that this is what my DW is doing here? She referred to having her 'ego massaged' by it.

OP posts:

tempestuous · 09/12/2011 17:06

It could be. It is hard to tell. But, it has been going on for long, she knows you know about it, and she knows this is hurting you. Yet she does not stop. It is not right. You cannot build your own ego on reducing somebody elses self worth.

You need to talk to her.

She either needs to be wooed, or woken up. You need to be wooed to!

tempestuous · 09/12/2011 17:07

I am off now, friday night, need to get home.

I hope manage to get some clarity over the weekend. Good luck!

Original poster

JackMatthias · 09/12/2011 17:37

Thanks. So do I

OP posts:

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