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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to treat DW's sexting as infidelity?

343 replies

JackMatthias · 08/12/2011 11:35

First post here so deep breath...

DW and I have been married for over 10 years and have 2 DCs aged 3 and 8. Good marriage IMO except physical side has never been that great for either of us. Anyway, all well until after birth of DC #2:

A few months after DC # 2 was born, her mobile text alert bleeps. She happens to be out of the room, her phone is next to me so I glance at it and see on it quite a flirtatious text from someone whom we'll call 'John'. Curiousity piqued, I grab the phone and see two or three texts back and forth between DW and John which are also flirty. I feel sick and I confront her over this and it turns out that John is an old flame from before my time. I make it clear how hurt and upset I am and she promises she'll not do it again. I feel bad about snooping and make up my mind to trust her. She swears blind that there's nothing in it; as far as she's concerned it's just a bit of harmless fun.

Ok, so I forgive, forget and move on. Until about three months ago - exactly the same thing happens. More traffic between her and John on her phone, this time of a more sexual nature on both their parts, although the impression is that he's largely the one driving it forward. This time I really blow up at her, tell her how angry I am, how betrayed I feel and that I feel I can't trust her. Again, she swears that it is purely a bit of fun, that it;s just an 'outlet', she has her ego massaged by it and she would never dream of cheating on me with this mush. I 'punish' her by sleeping apart from her for several days but gradually forgive her...

But this time I don't forget; I feel I can no longer trust. I don't feel bad about snooping on her phone any more and, guess what, more texts last week between her and John, more explicit, again mainly driven by him although she is hardly fending him off. This time I haven't confronted her, as the last two occasions clearly achieved Sweet FA but really don't know what to do about it. I haven't been able to get to her phone this week but am sure this is continuing, as I'm sure that what I've seen are just the texts she hasn't deleted.

Right now, I feel absolutely devastated, betrayed, very hurt, very angry but also very scared. I want our marriage to work and am willing to consider Relate or something similar (but that would involve me 'fessing up to her that I know about the latest bunch of texts), and I don't want to lose her or our DCs, but I find the whole situation really intolerable. I still love her very much but find it really difficult to be around her right now (she's noticed I'm withdrawn ATM). I'm also really worried that this latest rack of texts I've seen seems to be an escalation and that she will end up having an affair with John. Feel sick constantly and can't sleep ATM.

I feel really conflicted right now. Part of me want to throw her out but I still love her and don't want to do that to our DCs. Part of me wonders whether this is just an escapist fantasy for her and not unfaithfulness from her POV(maybe the female version of blokes looking at porn?) and I should just put up with it (not sure I can though) and play happy families and pretend nothing's happening. Part of me wants to track John down and send him a photo of the DCs asking him what his intentions are to my DW and how I should tell the DCs that, or even go postal on him and beat the bastard up!

So wtf should I do???!!!

OP posts:
HattiFattner · 09/12/2011 17:38

You cannot build your own ego on reducing somebody elses self worth. never a truer word tempestuous!

Dont sell yourself short jack. you sound like a good man. No-one forced her to pick up the phone, and at any time she could have stopped. But she has continued to text, even though she knows that you know, and have already been hurt by it.

Its time to bring this out into the open. Hiding from it will inevitably lead to a full collapse of this marriage as you get more and more distant and hurt and she turns to him for comfort. This is the elastoplast moment - rip it off and start healing your marriage.

spiderpig8 · 09/12/2011 17:55

YANBU.She is disrespecting you totally.

stevies · 09/12/2011 18:14

Op your wife sounds like a right cunt

Original poster
JackMatthias · 09/12/2011 18:27

Oi! That's my wife and the mother of my children you're taking about Angry

OP posts:
runningwilde · 09/12/2011 19:40

Any progress op?

KeepInMindItsAlmostChristmas · 09/12/2011 20:02

Have you thought of Texting John and saying stop fucking about with your wife?

I think you need to point out to her what she stands to lose is she continues behaving like a dog on heat.

She is very out of order

fuzzynavel · 09/12/2011 20:05

Stevies - what on earth do you think you were doing!

Jack - maybe he/she's going through a bit of similar situation and has had a few Wine

fuzzynavel · 09/12/2011 20:08

Blimey, KeepinMind isn't much better.

Jack - don't take these people to heart, they're probably pissed and we don't know what's going on in their lives either Sad

fuzzynavel · 09/12/2011 20:12

I'm also guessing they're both male.

fuzzynavel · 09/12/2011 20:15

Jack - are you still there?

CharlieLimaHotel · 09/12/2011 20:27

I would say sit down with your wife and tell her how this is making you feel. In your OP you say you still love your wife which is great, and makes me think that your idea of Relate would work if your wife agrees?

The whole subject of cheating is a grey area with everyone having different opinions, but if it isn't something she would do in front of you then.. Confused

If it is affecting you and your marriage then the best thing to suggest is communication. Thats all I can suggest. Hope everything works out, whatever happens.

notmyproblem · 09/12/2011 22:03

Jack you need to find out who cares more about your relationship, you or DW.

In tempestuous' case, it turned out (to her surprise) that she cared more than her DH. The very fact that she was afraid to lose him when he walked out and that she did exactly what he told her to do when he came back is proof.

The person who cares least controls what happens. If your DW is more afraid of what will happen if your marriage breaks up than you are, then you call the shots here.

But if you want to save your marriage, but your wife doesn't really care, then she controls what happens to you.

That is, she controls it til you decide you don't care anymore and decide to divorce her, thus making her little fantasy and excitement with the old flame presumably more awkward.

I hope for your sake it's the former, but I fear it's the latter. Which is why you need to have it out with her, but by all means take all the good advice in this thread about getting your shit together FIRST wrt what would happen if you broke up, legal issues, asking her to leave the house, etc.

And whatever you do, don't end up begging her to stay. You might as well print "I'm a mug" on your forehead. Make up your mind that if she is legimately sorry and deserving of another chance, you will allow your emotional side to accept it. But if she doesn't show the slightest bit of remorse, apology, or respect for you, then you switch your emotional side off and go straight to coldly rational "I care less about this marriage than you do" mode. Nothing will sober her up faster.

Get tough here. By all means work all your hurt feelings out in private (on this thread, IRL by confiding to friends, etc.) but then put them away when you confront her. Stand up for yourself, demand her respect, accept nothing less.

FunkyChicken · 10/12/2011 00:27

If it was me I wouldn't accept 'defeat' against someone else moving in on my partner without at least trying to fend them off. Its hard to know without seeing the texts but you say its John more than your DW? If it was me I'd get his number off her mobile and text or phone him myself - not threatening to beat him up but to say you've read his texts, you know what he's doing and telling him to piss off back to his own partner (if he has one)/ life and leave your DW alone. He'll probably be really embaressed that you know and that you might see potential future texts. No shame in you having read DWs texts - all fair in these situations IMO. I think talk on here of "throwing her out" is a bit extreme to be honest if it is just texts. The whole thing could escalate which is not what you want of course.(You could always accidentaly drop her phone down the loo or it could accidentaly fall in the recycling box etc etc. Might be only place she has his number?)

KeepInMindItsAlmostChristmas · 10/12/2011 09:40

no I am female, was not pissed and have a wonderful life thanks.

OP has found out his wife is behaving badly he has repeatedly ask her to stop she is continuing to carry on behind his back, she is clearly not happy in the marriage and he needs to call her bluff and chuck her out or shut up and let her carry on cheating

Charbon · 10/12/2011 11:49

Jack you need to confront this situation - and quickly. Given what has happened twice before, it was perfectly reasonable that you continued to snoop. You'd have been mad not to. If your wife had ever been sorry and contrite, she would have been open with her phone. Right now, she is treating you with contempt. It doesn't matter what her reasons are right now; that's for later.

The first thing is that this contact needs to stop. She should phone John in your presence and tell him to stay away - and mean it.

After that (and assuming she keeps that promise) you can work on why your wife felt entitled to do this. Don't make excuses for her and never forget that sexting is held to be unreasonable behaviour in a divorce.

It's possible this is just an escape for your wife but the fact that she has promised to stop this twice already and hasn't, tells you more about her character and personality. Your friend's advice is ridiculous. You should not be competing for your wife's affections and it never works, as it just rewards unacceptable behaviour and feeds an already huge ego.

What always works is the opposite; telling your partner that you have too much self-respect to be treated like this and that you will end the marriage if that treatment continues. You must also be prepared to carry out that threat, so the advice you have had about seeing a solicitor is wise.

Have a think about why you are staying in a relationship with someone who keeps treating you with contempt. If you find you're staying out of a sense of duty, for the children, the finances or anything other than deep love for your wife, it won't work. Think about whether you could support shared parenting if you parted, with the children living with you 50% of the time.

If you were a woman posting on this site, whose husband had resumed his affair twice more after initial discovery, I would advise her to cut her losses and end the relationship, because having seen your hurt not once but twice now, I'd question whether your wife loved you and like all of us, you deserve to be with someone who loves you and never wants to see you hurt.

Original poster
JackMatthias · 10/12/2011 16:52

Thanks, guys. Am taking some legal advice but also trying to pick an opportune moment to have it out with her. Fingers and everything else crossed, please, as I'm dreading it but I do recognise it has to be faced up to.

OP posts:
Sparklyblue · 10/12/2011 17:08

Good luck love.

PicotFanStitch · 10/12/2011 17:09

Two things:

1: As my DM (who has reason to know) often says, an affair is usually the symptom of problems in a relationship rather than the cause (which doesn't make it in any way your fault, but if you want to save your marriage ideas of blame may have to be dismissed).

  1. I got into some, well - inappropriate e-mails that I wouldn't have wanted dp to see with an ex a couple of years ago. I'm not proud of it and it wasn't a constructive response to our troubles, but it did boost my self-esteem enough for me to see that I could reasonably expect more attention and respect than I was getting at home. It wasn't an 'affair' - there is, fgs, a difference between words on a screen and having sex - but it was probably on some level a betrayal. I never told dh. Our marriage got better and the e-mails returned to our usual Christmas-and-birthday, would happily show dh, norm.
FetchezLaVache · 10/12/2011 18:04

Good luck, Jack. I have nothing to add, only that I think Hatti and Charbon's posts are genius. I hope you get it all sorted out.

xPAULAx · 10/12/2011 18:09

It's cheating. I'd be heartbroken if my husband did this. I don't see how things could ever be the same, regardless of the reason. You don't shit on your own doorstep and expect to get let back in the house.

Good luck with talking to her.

Charbon · 10/12/2011 20:06

I'd say that affairs are more often the symptom of a character flaw in the people having them. For every person starved of attention at home, there are more attention-seekers who can't cope with just one person finding them attractive - and more still that just can't resist the prospect of someone new. In this case, it's an old flame and the additional attraction is that it's possibly reminding Jack's wife of when she was younger and had fewer responsibilities.

Wise not to throw about blame for joint problems in a marriage (if indeed they exist), but having an affair of any kind is the worst way to sort them, so the choice to have one is absolutely blameworthy. Especially in this case, where Jack's partner has done it three times.

Good luck Jack, but do sort out in your own head why you would want to forgive a third time.

Original poster
JackMatthias · 11/12/2011 13:10

Have decided to confront her tonight after the children are in bed. Wish me luck...!!!!

OP posts:
constantlytired · 11/12/2011 13:26

Jack, i've been lurking on this thread for a while, and i really feel for you. I'm sorry you're going through this. Do you know how you're going to approach tonight?

BettyBedlam · 11/12/2011 13:45

Good luck Jack. Let us know how you get on.

FetchezLaVache · 11/12/2011 14:06

When you confronted her on both previous occasions, did she actually say that she would stop the sexting, or did the conversations end with her possibly thinking that you had accepted her position that it was just a bit of harmless fun?