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AIBU?

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Original poster

...to treat DW's sexting as infidelity?

343 replies

JackMatthias · 08/12/2011 11:35

First post here so deep breath...

DW and I have been married for over 10 years and have 2 DCs aged 3 and 8. Good marriage IMO except physical side has never been that great for either of us. Anyway, all well until after birth of DC #2:

A few months after DC # 2 was born, her mobile text alert bleeps. She happens to be out of the room, her phone is next to me so I glance at it and see on it quite a flirtatious text from someone whom we'll call 'John'. Curiousity piqued, I grab the phone and see two or three texts back and forth between DW and John which are also flirty. I feel sick and I confront her over this and it turns out that John is an old flame from before my time. I make it clear how hurt and upset I am and she promises she'll not do it again. I feel bad about snooping and make up my mind to trust her. She swears blind that there's nothing in it; as far as she's concerned it's just a bit of harmless fun.

Ok, so I forgive, forget and move on. Until about three months ago - exactly the same thing happens. More traffic between her and John on her phone, this time of a more sexual nature on both their parts, although the impression is that he's largely the one driving it forward. This time I really blow up at her, tell her how angry I am, how betrayed I feel and that I feel I can't trust her. Again, she swears that it is purely a bit of fun, that it;s just an 'outlet', she has her ego massaged by it and she would never dream of cheating on me with this mush. I 'punish' her by sleeping apart from her for several days but gradually forgive her...

But this time I don't forget; I feel I can no longer trust. I don't feel bad about snooping on her phone any more and, guess what, more texts last week between her and John, more explicit, again mainly driven by him although she is hardly fending him off. This time I haven't confronted her, as the last two occasions clearly achieved Sweet FA but really don't know what to do about it. I haven't been able to get to her phone this week but am sure this is continuing, as I'm sure that what I've seen are just the texts she hasn't deleted.

Right now, I feel absolutely devastated, betrayed, very hurt, very angry but also very scared. I want our marriage to work and am willing to consider Relate or something similar (but that would involve me 'fessing up to her that I know about the latest bunch of texts), and I don't want to lose her or our DCs, but I find the whole situation really intolerable. I still love her very much but find it really difficult to be around her right now (she's noticed I'm withdrawn ATM). I'm also really worried that this latest rack of texts I've seen seems to be an escalation and that she will end up having an affair with John. Feel sick constantly and can't sleep ATM.

I feel really conflicted right now. Part of me want to throw her out but I still love her and don't want to do that to our DCs. Part of me wonders whether this is just an escapist fantasy for her and not unfaithfulness from her POV(maybe the female version of blokes looking at porn?) and I should just put up with it (not sure I can though) and play happy families and pretend nothing's happening. Part of me wants to track John down and send him a photo of the DCs asking him what his intentions are to my DW and how I should tell the DCs that, or even go postal on him and beat the bastard up!

So wtf should I do???!!!

OP posts:
PosiesOfPoinsettia · 08/12/2011 16:47

What do you genuinely think OP?

I think she's already left the relationship.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 08/12/2011 16:50

For the record, I think it's important for women to make their partners feel desirable and sexy too in order to have a functioning sex life. If the OP feels his wife isn't doing this and that's a reason for their sexual problems that needs addressing too.

AbbyAbsinthe · 08/12/2011 16:50

Well she's bloody keen on it with someone else!

Seriously mate - stop blaming the other bloke, and start blaming your missus. She's out of order and she knows it. You need to have it out with her - you can't really move on until you've done that.

Original poster
JackMatthias · 08/12/2011 16:56

Well, I don't think she's actually having sex with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
JackMatthias · 08/12/2011 16:57

PosiesOfPoinsettia, I really hope not. FWIW I think she's where she was last time - and the time before that.

OP posts:
AbbyAbsinthe · 08/12/2011 17:00

I don't either, fwiw.

But are you seriously going to let it go?

PosiesOfPoinsettia · 08/12/2011 17:02

Give yourself a date where you want this sorted by, tell your wife what you're willing to do and see what she offers. Unfortunately it takes two to improve a relationship.

Talk talk talk.

WorraLiberty · 08/12/2011 17:04

Hecate if they find it on the feminism board I'll double your offer Xmas Grin

LiesDamnLiesandStatistics · 08/12/2011 17:12

I'm sorry you're having a shit time OP.

The only way to get to the bottom of it is to talk to your DW and find out what is really going on and agree a way forward together. You clearly don't want this to be the end of your marriage and if your wife's sexting partner is single, then the chances are she doesn't want it to be either. However, you do need to be prepared that your wife may feel differently and this may be for the best (for both of you).

Forget the whiskey and pills - you have two gorgeous children who need a dad and they are the real ones that would suffer (I know from personal experience). Whilst it might seem that it is the end of the world right now - it isn't. It doesn't appear that either of you are getting what you want from your relationship and your options are to fix it (need to talk to her about it) or agree to move on (need to talk to her about it). If it does turn out that this is the end for your marriage, that is really sad and you should grieve for it, but it brings forward a whole new chapter for all concerned and there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Talk to your DW, it may just be the best decision you make.

OurPlanetNeptune · 08/12/2011 17:13

John no one deserves the lack of respect that your wife has shown you. Is she really worth all this heartache? The fact that she has done this she has continued after you have confronted her says a lot about how much she wants your marriage to work.

FWIW, I would rather saw off my arm with a blunt instrument than sex-text with anyone other than my husband. You sound like a decent man, you don't deserve this. I honestly don't know how one can learn to trust a person like this again. If my husband ever did this to me he would be out of the door. It is cheating

Original poster
JackMatthias · 08/12/2011 17:19

It's Jack but never mind!

OP posts:
Whatmeworry · 08/12/2011 17:27

Hecate, Worra...I wrote something like that when i first joined in my naivete.....hell hath no fury :o

OurPlanetNeptune · 08/12/2011 18:04

Oh balls, Jack. To be fair one of my best friends is known as both Jack and John. I wish you luck, some great advice on this thread.

fuzzynavel · 08/12/2011 18:07

john Jack Wink

Personally I feel it's ultimatum time.

If my DH did this as many times as she has I feel he had zero respect and was now mocking me.

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 08/12/2011 19:57

doesnotgiveafig - I apologise. I should not have used your specific post back to worra with the genders changed as an example of the different attitudes generally on the board that you find depending on the gender of the poster. It was wrong of me to just nick it and change the genders in order to hammer home a general point - that you just never find a post along those lines said to a woman. Well, I have never read one anyway. Whatme now says she's done it Grin

It really wasn't personal, or an attack on your post. To my great shame, it was just convenient Blush to c&p it from worra's post, to carry on the point using the same example.

Original poster
JackMatthias · 08/12/2011 22:13

Thanks for all the advice thus far; I've got a lot to think about. I don't want to walk out on or lose my kids, that's a big thing.

OP posts:
Doha · 08/12/2011 22:26

Okay Jack so--

  1. Put up and shut up

OR

  1. Grow a pair of balls and confront her. She is cheating on you, your marriage and putting the future of your DC's at risk. You don't need to leave the kids, she is only 1 of 2 parents, She should leave without the kids, give her a taste of being without her family and let her see what her future will be like.
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 08/12/2011 22:49

Actually, you do on occasion see a woman being given the advice to get her glad rags on and go and hang off her cheating blokes arm to show the OW a thing or two

or to otherwise compete with another woman in her marriage

thankfully, those posts are stomped on from a great height

much like the gender-reversed ones on this thread actually

I am not sure I am seeing much difference in the proportion of fuck her off versus woo her posts here, tbh

despite the usual suspects attempting to use this thread to bash regular contributors to the Relationships and Feminism boards

change the record, dears, or at least try to assist the Op instead of banging your own boring drum...it's getting rather old

NewShooz · 08/12/2011 23:08

Jack, I started a thread similar to this a few weeks back when I accidentally came across a Facebook chat conversation between my DH and a girl from work. I was really hurt and angry, especially when I found out they had had a similar email conversation using their work emails too.

Anyway, a few very heated rows later, and a lot of talking, he convinced me nothing physical had happened/never would. He blocked her from Facebook and changed jobs, and has never had any contact since. The hardest thing was trying to make him realise just how much it hurt me. His attitude was that it was just words, and they were just having a laugh.

I think your wife really needs to understand just how much this is hurting you, otherwise it sounds like she is just going to carry on... Good luck.

runningwilde · 08/12/2011 23:50

She has been doing this for years then?! I really feel for you as she has treated you so badly and is taking the piss. You need to face up to this and tell her you know exactly what us going on. You deserve more, you deserve respect and love and she is not giving you either.

runningwilde · 08/12/2011 23:51

Newshooz, it's good to hear you and your dh have sorted things x

runningwilde · 08/12/2011 23:54

Oh and Jack, don't leave the house or the kids, why should you?! Stand tall and let her see that you won't be trampled on anymore, she has done too much of that

NewShooz · 08/12/2011 23:55

Thank you runningwilde x

InOneEar · 09/12/2011 08:44

Thinking about it more, I think you should speak to this John. Why not? I am not talking about going mental on him, but about challenging him as to what his intentions are. They have both been getting away with this because you have been quiet. If he knows that you know and will no longer stand for it, I'm guessing his behaviour might change quite rapidly. You must still have it out with your wife though.........

iwasneverconfused · 09/12/2011 09:15

Ready to be completely flamed for this one (sorry - v long). OP I do not think you are being unreasonable. In fact quite the contrary. And in the interests of helping you try to understand what is going on with your DW (NOT to excuse her behaviour, or sanction this sort of thing, or to imply moral approval if its a woman doing it and not a man, etc etc), here's my story. After what seemed like years of childbirth and the general drudgery of bringing up children I felt that I was invisible to my DH. I simply fulfilled a set of requirements for him. He did nothing wrong, but my libido had been removed with the placenta, and I looked at my post baby body and thought "Well that's the end of that then". We had sex, but it was a bit meh and it only happened a few times a month. Then out of the blue someone I had known for years told me he had lusted after me forever. I was totally confused, but couldn't mistake the fact that my body was reacting to the fact that I had a tiny glimmer of sexuality for someone. So rather than close him down (yes, I should have, I know), I let it continue. He told me all the things I wanted to hear - that with some of his previous girlfriends he had closed his eyes and my face popped into his head, that he had even called one of them my name - you know, the stuff of complete fantasy and all of it crap I expect. But pandering to that secret hope we have that people from our pasts are unable to get past their feelings for us and will want us forever. And the more he told me this stuff, the more I began to feel that I had recovered some sort of sexual power. Here was a man telling me I was a sex goddess (we had and have never had sex, so that's just bollocks for a start), and it was doing amazing things for my self esteem. And unlike a man, who can (how????) look at any random gorgeous naked woman and somehow believe she could want him, this wouldn't have worked if I hadn't already known the man. He was actually telling me this stuff knowing full well what I look like. It was (sorry - I think your friend has a point here) a kind of pornography. I never had any intention of running off with this man, or of being emotionally involved with him, but the sexting was addictive. And I felt sexy for the first time in years. I bought new underwear. I initiated sex with DH. I was more adventurous. I didn't care if the lights were on. I started acting (just a little bit) like the sex goddess this man was telling me I was - except I was doing it with my DH. Who noticed I had changed and was suddenly very interested in me too. So maybe, just maybe, your wife has some serious self esteem issues, and this sexting man is her confidence builder. The fact that you've fronted her on it twice already means what she is doing is now seriously addictive, and let me say again that I can't condone this sort of thing (including for myself - I should have closed it down way before I did) - but I hope this might help you understand what she MIGHT be thinking. I could be wrong. But I doubt she is looking at him as a serious prospect, and I suspect she doesn't think this is really cheating, any more than a man watching porn would be. Even though I know it is. I hope you can find a way to talk frankly with her about it and find your way to a happy conclusion, whatever that is.