Wearing rings - but not married

[YonderRevoltingPeasantWhoIsHe]

Gah, it's too late to type out a proper question. Recently, an unmarried couple, friends of ours, bought 'wedding rings' to wear. They have no intention of marrying.

What do you think of this - is it like 'playing married' or just a nice sign that they are both 'taken'?

seeker no it doesn't mean that . It's just a ring. It doesn't mean that the person is married or otherwise as wearing a wedding ring is not a legal 'institution' ,it is simply a custom which doesn't have to be followed by everyone.

I can see where seeker's worst of both comes from.

It sounds like one partner is less keen on making the actual commitment of marriage and is fobbing the other off by buying a ring.

I always bang on about the legal benefits to the woman of being married and by not actually getting married the woman in this relationship is being cheated out of this protection.

Lastly, it also suggests that the outside world views a relationship other than marriage as being less valid in the eyes of others, which is very much not the case.

"... of course spending 30 years with someone is fantastic and shows a major commitment - just a different kind of commitment, to me."

Clucking bell - I honestly didn't realise that some people really and truely would not consider a 30 year committed relationship to be as important as a 30 year committed marriage. What a sheltered life I must have led.

I'm married and I don't wear my wedding ring. So I'm in the reverse position of the OP's friends. It doesn't bother me at all if people don't think I'm married. Maybe it doesn't bother them what other people think and they just wanted matching rings.

But seeker it is up to each person or couple do decide whether they want to be married or not. In my community (not my gay community but amongst the mums that I know) it is very common for couples to be together for a long time but not to marry. In fact, probably about half and half for married and not married. There is clearly no difference between the commitment shown in the married or unmarried couples and neither would I expect there to be. I used to have nightmares about getting married! However, when i met my DP years ago and the civil partnership law came in I was extremely keen to do it! Not a marriage but as close as we have at the moment. For me, personally, I do feel more comitted for being "married" but that is just a personal point of view.

fatlazymummy Yes it does mean just that!
Tradition dictates that a ring worn on this finger can be assumed to be a wedding ring, indicating that a wedding has taken place. It has no legal significance, certainly, but hundreds of years of tradition cannot be dismissed so easily. A few people deciding it's no longer of any consequence doesn't change the reality of how most people think, unfortunately.

i'm not married but living with my partner for 11 years i have often thought of getting married but coulden,t afford the expense. i thought about doing this has i havent got much family to see me get wed. so whats the point in going to the boring registor office and saying a few vows then going home to no reception sometimes people just do what suits them.

I wear an engagement ring, and up until early this year I had no intention of actually getting married, it was more a commitment ring.

OH wears a ring, he equates it to an engagement ring for himself. I don't get the very strong reactions people have had to this, but maybe that's because I don't have a very strong feeling about marriage and weddings anyway!

I changed my name by deed poll when dd(4.9) was born so we all have the same surname.That was important to me. Equally important to me was when dp and I swapped rings two years ago.We call them commitment rings you can call them wanky. Each to their own I guess. I'm divorced and had no intention of ever getting married again but wanted something to mark that what we had was important to us. Not for anyone else. I had a bolt of lightning moment last year and now were getting married next May. Because now is the right time. We will keep the rings we already have as the commitment is still there. Any one need a bucket !

So why do you wear your "commitment rings" on your wedding fingers?

Probably because its "the" finger to wear your special ring on. We were under no illusion it was a wedding/engagement ring as thats not what we wanted then.

I wear a Claddagh ring on my wedding ring finger, which ever way you wear it shows the status of a relationship so I wear it on that finger to show I am in a committed relationship. It means a lot to me because my dp gave it to me, and it also means a lot to him that I choose to wear it iyswim. If that is us being wanky then so be it.

"Probably because its "the" finger to wear your special ring on"

No it isn't. It's the finger you wear your wedding ring on!

Rings are but a social construct as someone else said upthread.
I'm married myself but never wear a ring.. for lots of different reasons. I never ever look at peoples' fingers to see if they've a ring and never will.

If two people who are together decide they want to wear wedding rings despite not being married, good luck with that. But they can expect reactions from people along the lines of 'Where did you get married?' 'Eh.. we're not married'. Cue blank looks. 'How long are you married?' 'Eh.. we're not married'. Cue more blank looks.
If they think they can be bothered with that, go for it...

Ah well, its what suited us ! Next May it will be a "wedding ring",but it will still be as important as when we made the commitment to each other two years ago.

They obviously consider themselves "committed" and are wearing the relevant socially constructed items to indicate to the world how they feel.

Technically I am married (cba to finish off the divorce paperwork, suppose we'll get round to it) but I haven't worn my wedding ring for nearly five years, nobody thinks that's odd do they?

I think it's fine if they want to. Marriage isn't about the jewellery after all and it's as good a way as any of showing that you are in a committed relationship.

A ring could avoid a lot of questions or it could raise a few, as Helltotheno says.

We are married, DH wears his ring and I don't wear mine. Only because I seem to have recently developed an irritation and get a very itchy rash under any rings, no matter how careful I try to be about washing and drying my hands properly etc.

I've had a few people demanding to know if we have broken up and one person finds it "very odd" that I have stopped wearing it. And I've had one person start to chat me up and get quite funny with me when I told him I am still married and not interested.

People can see you as fair game without a ring and I have a single friend who wears a diamond ring she bought for herself, just to discourage people from thinking like that.

I'm actually quite sad that I can't wear my ring because to me it is a symbol of our commitment to each other. Yes we chose to formalise that commitment in marriage because it was right for us, but I don't think the ring means more or less to me than to someone who also wanted a symbol of commitment but without the marriage ceremony first.

NoOne have you considered a wooden ring like I linked to upthread (page 3 I think)?

Might not give you such a reaction?

If you want to remind yourself of your commitment then there are 7 other fingers and two thumbs to wear rings on, 2 wrists for bracelets, two ears for ear rings, one neck for a necklace, two ankles for anklets, 10 toes for toe rings......why choose the wedding ring finger? Unless you are unhappy with your unmarried state and want people to think you are married..........

Who cares? It is not as though someone waved a magic wand and enchanted rings with magic marriage powers. Or decreed by law that the ring finger should be chopped off if used for any purpose other than a wedding ring.

People are free to marry or not marry as they choose. And they are free to pick and choose what aspects of our culture's traditions and practices that they want to incorporate into their own lives and relationships.

There are so many ways of being a family these days that it doesn't really make much sense to say 'you can only do x if you have also done y'. People are constantly creating new ways of being together and new family units, and traditions evolve from people's choices and preferences. Maybe it will one day be quite common to exchange rings without marriage, and rare to go through an actual ceremony.

Having said that, DP and I won't be exchanging rings any time soon. He wears no jewellery and I only occasionally wear a necklace, nothing else. And none of the reasons for doing so are really relevant to us. If someone assumes we are available because of the lack of a ring, we both have tongues in our heads and can tell them they are mistaken. And if someone thinksit means we aren't committed to each other then they are welcome to think that - all the evidence is to the contrary and no one who matters to us would make that assumption.

I've been tempted to wear a ring on my wedding finger just so people assume that I'm married. Sometimes I feel like people are judging me that I have a baby am youngish and not married, especially when I'm at church. I often pull my cardigan over my left hand a bit so people can't see my finger. But now I'm worried if I did this and people realised I wasn't married they might think I'm a bit of a prat. I've always done it when travelling in Muslim countries.

like spartafc I don't wear a wedding ring. I also haven't changed my name & despite being married for an age I think most people assume I'm not married (dh does wear a ring). It doesn't bother me & an unmarried couple wearing 'wedding' rings doesn't seem like any big deal either.

I wear a ring on the third finger of my left hand, sometimes.

I'm in a ten year monogamous relationship with no desire to marry.

Why do I wear a ring on that finger? I have since I was fourteen. It's a ring I bought myself and it symbolises something for me. I alternate it between the third finger of my left hand and the third finger of my right hand as if I leave it on one or the other for too long I begin to get a ring mark, which I don't want or like. Those fingers are the only one it fits on.

So there's a reason. I'm not pretending to be married or warding off anyone. Just wearing my own ring on my own finger - if anyone else wants to put meaning on it that's up to them.

I wear my commitment ring (and great grandmas engagement ring) on my left ring finger because when I was pregnant with DS my right ring finger got too fat and one morning I just could not get them over the knuckle All this time I had no idea I was upsetting so many people!