Wearing rings - but not married

[YonderRevoltingPeasantWhoIsHe]

Gah, it's too late to type out a proper question. Recently, an unmarried couple, friends of ours, bought 'wedding rings' to wear. They have no intention of marrying.

What do you think of this - is it like 'playing married' or just a nice sign that they are both 'taken'?

Did you read my post that you commented on?

People using they symbols of marriage when they are not married perpetuates the myth that only married relationships have validity and permanence.

I am not married to dp, on my ring finger I wear both a beautiful ring that he bought me 10 years ago, (my ring finger was the only finger it fitted) and also my great grandmothers wedding ring, that was worn by her, my gran, my mum and now me.

Should we ever actually get married, I don't want another ring and will just continue to wear these two. I can't imagine dp would want a ring so we probably wouldn't do any kind of exchange.

What anybody wears on their own fingers is entirely up to them and no business of anyone else's.

It's really wanky- I mean why would somebody wear a wedding ring on wedding ring finger if not married?! The only time I can think it may be used is to ward off attentions of others who are predatory but that is it really. But if it is for commitment reasons, why not just be confident in the fact that marriage is not for you or, if wedding rings are important, just get married? . Just really pointless.

Do they think it somehow makes them married or something? Given that some people are so silly they think that changing their name to that of their partner's makes them married, it's not beyond the realms of possibility.
They can do what they like-obviously, but, yeah, it is a case of; What the jeff is the point?

I think maybe there's confusion about the term 'marriage' - as it stands the legal status of marriage, that's something only available to the heteromonogamous (civil partnerships are not the same thing, they have been very emphatically made Not The Same to keep the superstitious quiet).
People can choose to make other sorts of commitments to each other and if they want to mark those commitments with rings, that's their business. Or if they want to engage in a legal heteromonogamous marriage but not wear rings, that's their business too.

All marriage is from an objective point of view is a legal arrangement. Everything else is what the couple choose to make of it themselves. As civil partnerships are identical in legal status as heterosexual marriage, they are the same.

You get divorced and you soon realise that all marriage is from an objective viewpoint is a legal arrangement -everything else (be it good or bad) is what the couple have made of it.

I agree with seeker. Why wear obvious symbols of marriage- and, sorry, a wedding band on a wedding finger is a symbol of marriage, if not married? It does reinforce the idea that only marriage is of worth?

"What anybody wears on their own fingers is entirely up to them and no business of anyone else's."

Actually, I think that while we live in a society that places a higher value on marriage than commitment it is other people's business.

It's not that it is anybody else's business, it's just not understanding what the point is. I'm an atheist and as such there is no way that I'd have an image of the Virgin Mary in my home. It would be a symbol of the Catholic faith- a faith which I do not possess. It would be nonsensical to me-and I would expect others to feel the same. As in: 'Why the jeff has Wamster got a Catholic symbol in her home?'

Well, a wedding band on the wedding finger on the left hand is EXACTLY the same-it is like: what the heck is the point of that if not married? Why not have another non-married symbol of commitment like wooden rings or something?

But a ring is not a legal symbol of marriage it is a symbol of the committment that the couple makes to each other - ie it is a symbol of the non-legal aspect of the marriage. So IMO it makes no different whether the couple are legally married are not. The ring represents the committment not the legality of the relationship.

It's fine, but part of me thinks if you don't want to get married, then the rings shouldn't make any difference to your relationship whether you have them or not.

If you do have them because you like the symbolism, why not just get married too?

I don't feel strongly on the matter though. Mostly just shrug

Wedding rings are strongly tied up with marriage- hence the word 'wedding', they're optional when people marry, I agree, but to pretend that a wedding ring has nothing to do with actual marriage is something I do not understand.

I also do not understand why somebody who is anti-marriage even wants a wedding ring on their finger (unless to keep predatory people at bay).

My guess is that the couple described in the opening post consists of one member of a couple who desperately wants to be married and that the other member of the couple does not but his fobbing them off with a few rings.
I don't think that this is a couple who both have the same views about marriage and that it is unimportant to both of them.

Why have a wedding ring if not married? It really makes no sense.

They can't omplain if people assume they are married then.

crystaltea The "system" would screw you financially if you got married?
Care to expand on that?

I've always worn a ring on my ring finger of my left hand. I bought the first one at 16 with my first proper wage packet. I was a kind of gift of congratulations to myself. I'd never had a ring before. I tried it on all my fingers and it felt most comfortable on that finger. I didn't care that at some point in the future I might wear a wedding band on there. I'm right handed and grip pens very tightly.

Then I met DP (now DH) and he bought me a lovely ring. It replaced my first ring on that finger. All subsequent rings have gone on there too and now I have two on there.

Because wanting the symbolism ie the committment is not the same as wanting the legally binding bit. Perhaps they are sick of people assuming that if they are not married they are not committed- who knows?

And I have not read anything to suggest that they would complain if anyone mistakenly assumed they were married.

Need to learn to spell committed/commitment

Me and DH very nearly got "married" without legally doing it, as at the time there was mutterings about tax bonuses for being married and we wanted no part of that. Then we realised that the legal benefits went beyond that, so did a quick legal ceremony a few days before the real wedding.

I changed my name by deed pool years before we got married. I was sick of explaining who each of us was in the family, and having the same surname just made my life easier. Many people used the terminology of marriage (daughter in law, husband, wife, etc) when referring to us as well - boyfriend doesn't cut it.

Marriage is a construct in itself. People can do with it as they like.

It is certainly more romantic than doing it exactly the same as everyone else, just because that is what everyone does.

sozzledchops well we've been together 7 years, we're now buying the house, planning to work on the kids part soon- not sure about the dog though (cat, surely?)

FWIW I definitely didn't want to buy a house together before getting married- just didn't seem very sensible. However I am aware that I'm looking at this as someone who always believed marriage was important - its difficult for me to put myself in the shoes of someone who doesn't believe in it, although of course that is a perfectly valid position, and of course spending 30 years with someone is fantastic and shows a major commitment - just a different kind of commitment, to me.

I'm going to stop digging myself a hole now!

Anyway, what does a wedding ring symbolise?

(Don't just say being married, you might as well get the contract wrapped round your finger if that is it)

It symbolises love, commitment, that person "belonging" to someone, carrying the thought of your partner around at all times. I fiddle with my ring all the time, and it makes me think of how I am always in love and committed to DH, even when we are apart - almost like he is giving me a tiny hug. I love the idea of him wearing his and thinking the same about me. I like the understated nature of it - we don't need to explain ourselves as being committed for life, because we have an accepted symbol of that, and that symbol is with us whatever we do. I like that my rings (I wear my engagement ring and wedding ring together) are pretty and sparkly, because that is my taste, and even if I am covered in poster paint (and the diamonds on my wedding ring are currently under a layer of acrylic from some painting I've been doing) I have that little symbol that somebody values me above all else. My engagement ring is a vintage one that was cheap, because we could only afford £50, and DH and I chose it with great care. My wedding ring used to belong to my Nana, and was given to her by my Grandad and passed on to me by my mum. I feel like my family is blessing our relationship. My rings are the only proper jewellery I own - they are my symbol of growing up, of having my own family and life and of being a mother primarily, rather than being a child.

I know it is possible to feel all that without a ring, and to not feel any of that with a ring, but that it what mine means to me.

Nowhere in that is "we chose to formalise our relationship for legal purposes by signing a form" - that is incidental.

If anything, my engagement ring looks more like a wedding ring, and some people assume it is. Doesn't change anything.

I'm not going to argue about any of that SenseofEntitlement, however, that's all tied up with being married and a wedding ring is part of being married.

Wedding rings are inextricably linked with marriage. People see them and think: 'They're married'. Everybody equates a gold wedding band worn on the third finger of the left hand with marriage-well they do in the-mainly- Judeo-Christian UK, anyway, not sure about other cultures- why would anybody want one of those type of rings if not married?
A commitment ring that is completely physically different to a wedding band I can understand.
The only time I would consider wearing a wedding ring if not married is out of some sense of protection where it is better for a woman to be considered married, but in everyday life in the UK? What's the point of that?
It just seems nonsensical to have such a ring if not married.

A lot of unmarried couples say that having a mortgage, children are symbols of commitment-and I agree with them. But wearing a ring that is designed for marriage is odd. It's like buying into a part of something that you don't want i.e. marriage.

I wear an eternity ring (not married, not in a long-term cohabiting relationship). I bought it for myself - back when I was 30/31 lots of my friends were getting engagement, eternity & "having a baby" rings from their partners & I was envious. SO I saved up and bought myself a bling-tastic diamond & sapphire eternity ring.

To me, from me, cos we're together forever

"FWIW I definitely didn't want to buy a house together before getting married- just didn't seem very sensible. However I am aware that I'm looking at this as someone who always believed marriage was important - its difficult for me to put myself in the shoes of someone who doesn't believe in it, although of course that is a perfectly valid position, and of course spending 30 years with someone is fantastic and shows a major commitment - just a different kind of commitment, to me."

See? "yes, you've been together 30 years- but it's not the same qs being married is it?" Gah.

What does it matter? A ring is a piece of metal. Some people may choose to see a deeper meaning or significance to them but that doesn't alter facts.

Sounds good to me. Wear matching rings if you like, it can mean whatever you want it to. Why do people think that getting married is some kind of higher state we should all aspire to?

You can't change the meaning of things. A plain metal ring on that particular finger means a wedding ring. It's like saying " I know everyone else in the English speaking world calls the colour of a cloudless sky blue, but I am going to call it pink. It's just q collection of letters- then can mean whatever I want them to mean"

coffeesleeve, that's a fantastic idea - to you, from you, forever Love it!

It was my birthday last weekend and I asked my DP to buy me a ring as a gift. It needs sizing but when it's ready, it will go on my left hand, ring finger. To me, it's a sign of how much he means to me and our committed relationship (it was designed specially and is very personal to us, won't go into details).

We're not married and have no intention to ever be. If anyone asks me if it's a wedding ring, I will tell them 'no' in a friendly but firm way I'm not pretending anything.

I really can't understand why some people on here are so fuming about the idea. If you think it's wanky, then fine, but personally I enjoy a bit of wankiness and everyone has different tastes and different ideas of what is special to them. Why would you care so much?