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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think some women don't like other women because they are pretty?

400 replies

RainbowSheep · 07/12/2011 20:48

I really struggled with this at school, girls didn't like me much and I could never work out why, looking back it is because I was very pretty (I'm not syaing I'm better than anyone else or the most beautiful woman in the world btw). I did have some very good girlfriends but was never accepted into groups of girls. I found this a lot throughout my life and it used to really get me down.

I have noticed it reared it's head at the school gates again, it has taken me a good few years to be accepted by the other mums, being shy doesn't help either.

AIBU to think this is something that often women (obvioulsy not all women!) don't like other women who they think are pretty??

OP posts:
Moknicker · 07/12/2011 22:22

As others have pointed out being pretty alone is not the reason for not having friends. Most pretty people are also confident and because you are pretty people automatically assume you are confident. So if you are not approaching them cos you're shy, it will be put down to being snooty or aloof and then it gets into a vicious cycle.

So YANBU to some extent. If you were ugly and shy, people might be more forgiving but pretty and shy always gets bad press.

WhoopsyLa · 07/12/2011 22:23

YANBU I was very good looking as a teen....damn weird looking kid though....but when I blossomed I found that like you, groups of girls weren't keen on me. I did and still do have a best friend and a couple of others who were sort of friends....but no group. I DID try and my friend would also bring me along to group do's...only to find the other girls painfully catty to me.

Now I also get some cold shoulders at the school gates. I'm knocking on too! I thought that by my late thirties this would have worn off a bit. It's very sad.

I''m not shy either...I'm not loud and over confident but am friendly and chatty...make an effort to volunteer at school events etc...hardly anyone talks to me though.

Get0rf · 07/12/2011 22:25

You are pretty, cheerful. And you look like a teenager.

I don't know whether looks = popularity. One of my friends from school looked very similar to me - we were both tall, athletic looking, average features, clever. She was wildly popular and THE in-crowd g

Get0rf · 07/12/2011 22:26

opps.

THE in crowd girl, and I was always on the periphery, and mocked.

Perhaps that is because she was on the netball team, and I used to cover my pencil tin in I LOVE THE SMITHS in tippex.

goodasgold · 07/12/2011 22:27

Two of the best friends that I have cultivated by being a complete twat have later told me that they would never normally be friends with somebody like me, when I asked what they were talking about they meant the way I looked. I am a twat, I am not vain or arrogant.

weevilswobble · 07/12/2011 22:28

This question is just arrogant and self absorbed. Why not focus on why they would like you? Or maybe you think looks are everything. What else you got?

CheerfulYank · 07/12/2011 22:28

Blush Trust me, that's a good picture!

Looks don't always equal popularity, it's true. I work in an elementary school and now that the kids are 8/9 it's very interesting to see the little groups that are starting to form. Some kids just are popular regardless of what they wear or look like. It's an attitude thing that really seems like it can't be taught.

WhoopsyLa · 07/12/2011 22:28

My DH is very good looking and he is a very popular person. He is always talking to people and people seem to seek him out. Men generally...not in a pulling him way but other Dads etc...they always get chatting to him.

Why's that then? He's no more approachable than I am!

applecrumbleandcream · 07/12/2011 22:29

I agree with my mum when she says 'Beauty is in the eye of the beholder'. I think the word 'Pretty' is a very vague term as most people (even those who consider themselves to be unattractive) usually have 'something' about them, eg beautiful eyes, clear skin, bouncy hair etc. What one person considers pretty, another could consider a minger!! I think I'm probably somewhere in the middle Grin

MoreBeta · 07/12/2011 22:29

Hang on a minute.

This is surely a metaphysical question like "When a tree falls in a lonely forest, and no animal is near by to hear it, does it make a sound?"

WhoopsyLa · 07/12/2011 22:31

weevils no it is not an arrgant self absorbed question! It's obvously affected the OP...she's thinking about why she's struggled to make friends.

She's gne through the usual "Do I smell? Have I got bad habits? Am I rude? and discounted them....then she's thought "I'm pretty...could that be it?"

Perfectly normal....if she were physically unattractive she would ask "Have I no friends because I am ugly?" and people would be mre sympathetic.

JeremyVile · 07/12/2011 22:32

Whoopsyla - i'd assume he's a likeable person, talkative, easy company, relaxed etc. And the fact he is physically good looking will be a bonus - even though people are probably unaware that they are responding in any way to his looks.

LEttletownofBOFlehem · 07/12/2011 22:33

Yeah right, Beta, nothing counts if the men say it ain't so...good job this isn't in the feminism section Grin

WhoopsyLa · 07/12/2011 22:33

Yes but *beta there have been many scentific studies into what constitutes the most attractive features...and they can actually be measured...certain distance between eyes etc...it's not random. Yes...you might think one person lovely whilst I think not...but the formula for beauty is quite tight and we all recognise it.

WhoopsyLa · 07/12/2011 22:35

Yes Beta this sentence A woman without the eye and brain of a man cannot perceive whether another woman is truely pretty. is utter tosh!

JamieComeHome · 07/12/2011 22:35

MoreBeta - I think you have a point about mens and womens perception of attractiveness being different

Although surely we can all agree on Scarlett Johansen?

JeremyVile · 07/12/2011 22:37

MoreBeta - did you just basically say that a woman cannot be considered pretty until a man says she is?

You did, didnt you? Shocking! I'm shocked! Grin

You big tosspot.

JollySergeantJackrum · 07/12/2011 22:39

I don't get on with other women generally. I get on very well with men though. I always thought it was because I'm very comfortable about my physical appearance which makes me appear over confident. I don't think I'm particularly pretty, but not ugly either. I like to be in charge and sometimes other 'alpha women' don't appreciate being told what to do.

I've also got into a vicious cycle of not knowing what to say when with a group of women, and I say the wrong thing, which makes me more anxious the next time I'm in a similar situation and therefore more likely to panic and say something silly. For some reason this doesn't happen with men (less bitchiness? or just better past experience possibly).

Anyway, this probably hasn't helped you at all, OP, but it's helped me think a few things out so I'll post it anyway!

LEttletownofBOFlehem · 07/12/2011 22:39

Shall we all PM MoreBeta our pics for his perusal, and he can tell us who is bullshitting? Xmas Grin

JamieComeHome · 07/12/2011 22:39

He didn't say that. He meant that I might go home to my DH and rave about Kate Moss, and he might say, nah - skinny, ferrety face, I prefer Eva Mendes

Or something

Feminine · 07/12/2011 22:40

I agree with you whoopsy

There are features that do equal beauty,even if not everyone agrees.

I, (for example) don't find Angelina Jolie attractive ...but that is not to say she is not considered beautiful, because of course she is.

JamieComeHome · 07/12/2011 22:40

no offence to Kate Moss

sfxmum · 07/12/2011 22:41

what on earth is morebeeta on about?

anyway yes well some people are jealous, some are only jealous until they get to know you, some are plain mean

I think shyness can also be seen as being stand offish
But it should not trouble you, if after being friendly, odd behaviours continue ignore them, not worth it

yellowraincoat · 07/12/2011 22:42

Scarlett Johansen does nothing for me. Probably if I saw her walking down the street, she'd be stunning, but all that weird air-brushing and too much make-up thing makes people look inhuman.

JeremyVile · 07/12/2011 22:44

No, he said that if he - as a man - thinks kate moss is not pretty then she is Not pretty because he is a man and you are mistaken to have thought she was pretty and really ought to have checked with him first becauseawomanslooksareonlyofanyvalueifthoselooks=fuckable.

Basically.