AIBU to kick DH out of bed?

[chinupbuttercup]

When my poorly 12 yr old DS appears in the middle of the night seeking some comfort? Whenever my DC have been ill, I have always allowed them to take DH's place in our bed so that I can keep an eye on them and give them comfort if they wake, and DH has always been fine with this. Last night, however, he stormed out in a big sulk saying that DS was too old for this. DS, still poorly, has tonight gone to bed determined to stay in his own bed so as not to upset his Dad! AIBU to be a bit annoyed with DH? Things between us are generally a bit strained at the moment, so maybe this is just part of that

Hope your DS feels better soon. If I was your DH, I'd be ticked off - seeing as you asked.

With my 12 year old (and 9 year old for that matter), I get up, see to them in their own rooms - for symptoms you describe, I would be giving max dose of calpol or nurofen & then we'd all go back to sleep in our own beds.
I'm imagining that your DH probably has to go to work the next day - maybe you do too. I would have thought it would be better for you to agree which adult would get up in the night, if your DS is poorly, so that the whole household isn't disturbed & at least one of you gets a good night's sleep.

Op i think you misunderstood my post. I made the point about how people would feel if it were a dd as i imagined those who said ds should not be in your bed may see that differently.My ds 2 is 24 and has kidney failure,when i had dd 9 months ago he came to visit and felt so shit he ended up laying on my bed with me while we watched Eastenders so im the last to critisise you.

Those who are saying that dh shouldnt be asked to leave the bed for a poorly child,did you never do that?It always seems the most reasonable thing to do in the night rather than keep getting up to see to them in the cold. In fact id rather leave a puking sweating child with dh and go off to the spare room given the choice

I don't let my dd's in my bed if they are poorly, i suffer from health anxiety, i will get up every half an hour or so to check on them but will not bring them into our bed. My dd's are a lot younger than yours but have never asked to come into our bed, i guess if you start doing it then they will expect it every time they are ill.

i dont think kids will necessarily expect it, but even if they do its not an issue, if you dont want them in your bed you can be firm and do whatever technique you want to keep them in their own bed. but i dont see anything wrong with children sleeping in bed with their parents. its a very western thing that children sleep seperately anyway and people have just been conditioned to think that its the norm and the right way of doing things, when there is actually no problem with co-sleeping at all.

like i said in our house one of us would sleep with poorly child either on a pull out double bed we have or in our bed, there wouldnt be moaning about being kicked out of bed, the priority would be making sure the poorly child was comfortable.

I think yanbu, tonsilitus(sp) is evil. I suffered from it with great regularity in my teens and early twenties. I remember being about 15 and being in absloute agony during the night, went into my mum because I felt so poorly and got in with her for the rest of the night.
All he wanted probably, was to feel reasured and who else does that best?

YANBU, you do what's best for your child regardless of age and your dh should be pleased his children have go such a kind and caring mum.
mediawhore you sound like a lovely unjudgmental teacher......not.

YABU. 12 is far too old for getting into bed with mum or dad. He would probably sleep better in his own bed anyway.

All he wanted probably, was to feel reasured and who else does that best?

Exactly.

what valium just c*p'd! there is nothing wrong with a child, which at 12 this boy is!! getting into his parents bed when he is ill. as a teen i had glandular fever and then constant bouts of tonsilitis leading to me having them removed at 17, i clearly remember sleeping in my parents bed when they were very poorly.

my eldest had an operation this summer and when he came home dp slept in his room with him for a few nights to make sure he was ok after the GA, i couldnt as the baby is in our bed and will only settle for me, otherwise we would have taken it in turns.

Of course a poorly child wants to feel reassured and also helped to feel better too. What I don't understand is why a poorly child, who is not actually at death's door, has to disturb the sleep of an entire family. Why can't one parent attend to them, without it having to disrupt the sleep of everyone?
The best help for a temperature & a sore throat is some medicine to bring down the temperature & reduce the pain. A throat lozenge or spray might help too. I would want to sit with mine if they were sucking anything or even until they fell back to sleep to make sure that they did go back to sleep - but I can't see why it would have to involve a whole load of bed shuffling in the middle of the night.

I am truly amazed by this response, not so much so that I change my opinion however! At 12 some children are practically adults, some are very young for their age...they're all individuals. As a teacher I have taught some very small, very young 12 year olds; I certainly wouldn't judge them as being wet lettuces FGS, they're children!

My kids are only age 5&6 but if I am honest when they get to 12 and if they are Ill and need comforted then they WILL be coming into my bed and dh can sleep in the single spare room bed.
Don't see what the big deal is....

For gods sake OP don't ever let a hint of a rumour of this get out amongst his mates at school! Many kids will pounce on anything they see as infantilising or unnatural, so something like this would be gold dust to them (and they are often far more judgmental than adults). Taunts about being "mummy's little baby" or much more sexual innuendos could easily make his life misery for the rest of his days at Secondary School (I saw it happen to several kids). When his peer group have reduced him to tears and made him feel ashamed you could easily be seen as the bad guy.

Urgh, I remember the Lord of the Flies years at school all too well!

I am sure if I told my ds that he'd better not have a cuddle with me just in case his mates found out about it, I am pretty sure ds wouldn't care at all or would just say " So you think my mates don't cuddle their parents either?"

I'll remember to tell him not to come for a cuddle when we are waching telly too just in case. Ffs!

This all makes me feel quite sad to be honest.

Cuddle is fine. This is sleeping with your mum in her bed. In my opinion that would be seen as a whole world of difference.

But a cuddle on the sofa is ok Nesbo?

Me too ninky

I have a 10 year old who crept into our bed last night when he was really ill-feverish and v sort throat. He didn't really know where he was, I don't think-but definitely needed a cuddle and fell asleep. He was there for a couple of hours before I summoned up the energy to get out of bed and return him to his own. He rarely does this-once a year if that and I can't see me suddenly sending him back immediately if he was really ill just because he was 12, not 10. It does mean we don't sleep terribly well ( I haven't read every post, so I don't know if your DH is still in the bed?-mine is) so I can see why your DH might feel tired and grumpy about it!

Of course it is, although you wouldn't boast to your mates about it! Perhaps your experience of having been a 12 year old boy and growing up and going to school with lots of other 12 year old boys was very different from mine, or perhaps kids are now completely different these days, who knows!

But kids wouldn't boast about a lot of things they do at school/with mates that they would do at home - this is not a reason not to hug your children or have them in your bed ( if both parents are ok about it)

Valium, if you re-read my post you'll see I didn't say whether they should do it or not, but I did say don't ever let it be known by anyone at his school (and I would include his school mates parents in that) otherwise there is a good chance this will follow him until he escapes to uni.

I know nesbo but this entire thread is just so depressing, I was just ranting

OK. OP here and last post.

I have already accepted, and do again, that I was BU by asking DH to move. I should have gone in the spare room with DS. So why does everyone keep going on about this? Anyway, I don't think DH's sleep was disturbed for more than, oooh, maybe a few minutes?

As for allowing my DS to sleep next to me in my bed (NOT CUDDLE ALL NIGHT!!), I have been trying to remember the last time this happened and I can't. It is certainly the first time this year.. I have already told everyone it is only occasional. He has been ill before this year and has always settled back in his own bed, even with a fever - I think that the difference this time was that he was in such pain, actually crying with it.

For all of you very quick to dust off your judgypants, he is not a mummy's boy - he would certainly not want to do this unless he really was feeling very poorly (and he is usually not a cuddly boy AT ALL), and I still do not see a problem. There are no sexual issues here or any risk of bullying issues or risk of him growing up with other issues. FGS. This is an ill CHILD needing a little maternal reassurance once in a blue moon.

Thank you to all those who have shown support. I am astounded at the black and white nature of some people's responses. You make too many assumptions and judgements about other people in those responses. I pity your DC's if they get turned away in similar circumstances.

This was my first mumsnet post and it will be my last. I think I have seen the true nature of the beast.

OP don't make it your last post - this is AIBU which some posters just use as an excuse for a bit of argy bargy. Hide the thread and move on :)