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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to kick DH out of bed?

169 replies

chinupbuttercup · 06/12/2011 21:37

When my poorly 12 yr old DS appears in the middle of the night seeking some comfort? Whenever my DC have been ill, I have always allowed them to take DH's place in our bed so that I can keep an eye on them and give them comfort if they wake, and DH has always been fine with this. Last night, however, he stormed out in a big sulk saying that DS was too old for this. DS, still poorly, has tonight gone to bed determined to stay in his own bed so as not to upset his Dad! AIBU to be a bit annoyed with DH? Things between us are generally a bit strained at the moment, so maybe this is just part of that Sad

OP posts:
UnexpectedOrange · 06/12/2011 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
chinupbuttercup · 06/12/2011 22:53

Are you all mad? It's not an all night snuggle! Neither of us could stand that. It's a quick cuddle and then he sleeps next to me and if he stirs I just quickly ask if he's Ok and then we go back to sleep. What is wrong with you people?

OP posts:
PontyMython · 06/12/2011 22:54

In an otherwise normal parent child relationship I just do not get the problem with the occasional sleepy hug. He could be in all other ways totally independent, just needing extra attention now and again (the OP said it doesn't happen often) is a little quirk.

It is quite an overreaction and a massive conclusion to jump to that he's going to be overly dependent on his mother and be a pathetic man child when he grows up.

I know I like a bit of sympathy and a cuddle when I'm sick, and I'm overall quite a normal person :o

Maryz · 06/12/2011 22:57

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SchrodingersMew · 06/12/2011 22:58

Ponty I like a cuddle when I am ill as well and always have, however being so dependent that he needs to sleep in with his Mum is a bit too much.

OP has not answered the question on what a reasonable cut off age would be. Would this still be acceptable to everyone if the DS was 14 or 15? Or if OP was a man and sleeping all night with his DD?

PontyMython · 06/12/2011 23:01

I'd agree that it would be overly dependent if this was happening for every sniffle or headache - boy or girl, regardless of age. But the OP says it is occasional, and doesn't happen every time he's ill, so if it's only when it's really bad (and tonsillitis can be EVIL) I don't really see that as a worrying level of dependence.

olgaga · 06/12/2011 23:01

Chinupbuttercup I totally get what you're saying and agree that some of the comments on here are pretty disturbing! No probs giving your kids your presence and comfort when they're ill, all kids are different - and age has nothing to do with it!

But I wouldn't kick your DH out of bed - I'd make sure there was always a bed ready to get into with whatever kid needed comfort.

It's about everyone getting a bit of sleep - that's all!

SchrodingersMew · 06/12/2011 23:04

Ponty Tonsillitis is evil, I'm a sufferer of recurrent tonsillitis myself but it's manageable, especially at 12yo.

And who's to say that OP's DS wont make illnesses seem worse at times if he prefers sleeping in with OP. It could end up in a vicious cycle with a not very happy and quite rightly so DH.

SchrodingersMew · 06/12/2011 23:05

OlGaga If you are referring to the comments about puberty, they were only said to try and highlight the age of her DS and how he should be old enough to deal with this on his own with normal cuddles and not having to share a bed.

chocablock · 06/12/2011 23:06

YA definitely BU - he is 12, not a baby!!!

UnexpectedOrange · 06/12/2011 23:07

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

saintmerryweather · 06/12/2011 23:09

YABU, its your husbands bed too. one of my old friends from school was still getting into her parents bed when she felt ill at the age of 21.

SchrodingersMew · 06/12/2011 23:10

Orange I nearly died from tonsillitis, it is hell but that doesn't mean you should automatically need a parent to sleep in with you.
When I say manageable I only meant he should be able to deal with it for the most part on his own. Most 12 year olds wouldn't even think of climbing into Mummy's bed because they don't feel well.

Sidge · 06/12/2011 23:11

YANBU at all to want to comfort your sick child, regardless of how old he is.

But YABU to kick your husband out of bed to do it. You couldn't send him a stronger message telling him he's lowest down the pecking order if you tried, really.

Your DH is entitled to sleep in his own bed and if you want to comfort your child to appease your own anxieties you should do it elsewhere.

Backtobedlam · 06/12/2011 23:14

I agree with olgaga. When I'm sick I get looked after, cuddles, drinks made for me etc. and I do the same for dp. SchrodingersMew-the fact I'm cared for doesn't mean I make out illnesses are worse to get some fuss and attention from dp. Most people don't like being ill, most people would rather be out about doing exciting things (especially in December), a 12yr old child would much rather be out and about I'm sure.

Feminine · 06/12/2011 23:15

I wouldn't kick my DH out of bed.

However, I see nothing wrong with it if the OP's DH didn't mind.

The child in question is 12 12 not 16 ...so much changes ...they are not all sex mad.

My son is 13 , now he has very much gone through puberty ...at 11 he was still prancing around with no pants on!

They all develop at different rates.

Cut the OP some slack...she was just wanting to take care of her boy. A totally reasonable question.

What a bunch of over reactions me thinks!

SchrodingersMew · 06/12/2011 23:18

Bedlam Snuggling up to your partner is completely different from sleeping in with a parent.

You are meant to sleep in with your partner.

Feminine You don't think it's completely out of order the DH is being kicked out of bed? And he wasn't happy with it, even he thinks he is too old.

As I said before, would the replies be the same if this was a man kicking his wife out of bed to sleep in with his DD? There would be outrage about how she is too old and how he has no right kicking her out of bed.

OurPlanetNeptune · 06/12/2011 23:19

chinup I can understand why your DH is a bit annoyed about it. YABU. My three sons do love and need a comforting hug when they are ill. And if they are particularly bad (e.g tonsillitis) then either husband or I will stay with them until they are asleep and check on them periodically thereafter. If it is really, really serious then we use an air matress and one of us will sleep on that beside their bed.

They would be positively mortified at the prospect of sleeping in our bed especially if husband is kicked out. It is all about boundaries. My three boys are all younger than the your son.

Feminine · 06/12/2011 23:20

schrodingersMew I did say I wouldn't do it :)

Each to their own...

SchrodingersMew · 06/12/2011 23:22

Feminine I know you said you wouldn't do it, I only asked because I wanted to know if you thought it was right in any case.

However I'm feverish tonight and probably being a bit bitchy tonight.

Apologies. :)

UnexpectedOrange · 06/12/2011 23:22

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SchrodingersMew · 06/12/2011 23:24

It matters because there is no difference!

What the hell is the difference if it's a Man or a Woman doing the kicking out? Why is one acceptable and the other not?

Feminine · 06/12/2011 23:27

Oh SchrodingersMewI see :)

I hope you feel better soon...

UnexpectedOrange · 06/12/2011 23:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SchrodingersMew · 06/12/2011 23:28

Fem Thanks. :) I don't deserve it though, it's making me irritable. If you had seen any of my other posts you would know I am never normally argumentative like this. So I am probably being unreasonable.

AIBU for BU on an AIBU thread? :o