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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to kick DH out of bed?

169 replies

chinupbuttercup · 06/12/2011 21:37

When my poorly 12 yr old DS appears in the middle of the night seeking some comfort? Whenever my DC have been ill, I have always allowed them to take DH's place in our bed so that I can keep an eye on them and give them comfort if they wake, and DH has always been fine with this. Last night, however, he stormed out in a big sulk saying that DS was too old for this. DS, still poorly, has tonight gone to bed determined to stay in his own bed so as not to upset his Dad! AIBU to be a bit annoyed with DH? Things between us are generally a bit strained at the moment, so maybe this is just part of that Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
chinupbuttercup · 06/12/2011 22:32

Why do you ask, WorraLiberty? No, I also have a younger one.

OP posts:
himynameisfred · 06/12/2011 22:33

Chin up, there's not necessarily a time when they don't want it anymore to be honest.
I used to believe that, untill I had to surgically unattach my child from by breast at aged 3, and still stay with my 4 yr old for an hour per night in his bedroom every night, because him staying out of my bed, is important for everyone.

WorraLiberty · 06/12/2011 22:34

I asked because I thought you might have problems 'letting go' of the baby stuff if he was your youngest.

ledkr · 06/12/2011 22:35

Would it be different if it was a dd? I have 3 boys and 2 girls and my 9 yr old dd comes in with me if shes ill,dh suggests it so we can all get some rest. My youngest ds was still fairly young at 12-late developer-i cant remember that far back but i think id have been comfortable to have him in with me. That said though i can see why your dh is pissed off.

DeckTheHugeWithBoughsOfManatee · 06/12/2011 22:36

Wow, OP. You're on course to give your son some properly weird Oedipal ishoos Grin

Original poster
chinupbuttercup · 06/12/2011 22:37

How can you make assumptions about the state of puberty of my DS? My older one has not yet entered puberty!!! It is irrelevant that you may have 12 yr old DC's that have! And whatever their state of mind as far as girls is concerned, I find it incredibly distasteful to suggest that this should prevent me from comforting my DS when he is ill. WTF?

OP posts:
himynameisfred · 06/12/2011 22:38

I don't think it matters if it's a female, male, dog, dying grandma, etc, if it's not agreed for them to stay in the bed, by both bed owners, then it's not okay.
Sorry :-p

PontyMython · 06/12/2011 22:39

YABU to kick DH out of bed. But YANBU to kip with DS now and again. So what if he likes a cuddle now and again, I don't see how it'll make him a simpering idiot husband in the future?!

Would people be this outraged if it was a 12yo DD? Just wondering Confused

UnexpectedOrange · 06/12/2011 22:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

olgaga · 06/12/2011 22:41

I agree with DiscoDaisy - if you've got beds elsewhere, why not sleep with DS there rather than kick DH out of bed? Personally I don't think you're wrong to sleep with your kid to get him/her settled even at that age, there's nothing weird about it ffs! "Age appropriate" - not a term I recognise. It all depends on the child.

I'm not surprised your DH is cheesed off though - I'd make sure you've got a bed ready to dive into with whichever kid is keeping you all awake - that's what we do. That way we all get some sleep, with a minimum of fuss.

It's just kids being kids, it won't last forever.

Ineedacleaneriamalazyslattern · 06/12/2011 22:42

YANBU I was never turned away from my parents bed if I was ill or in need of comfort. Obviously as I got older it became less and less but the last time I did I was about 15. Honestly there are few times as they get older they need you like this so if he's asking he needs a cuddle. I still like cuddles when I'm poorly and I'm over 30.

SchrodingersMew · 06/12/2011 22:42

It wouldn't make a difference if it was a DD. 9 isn't bad that is still a proper child but a 12 year old is more a young adult.

ChinUp Even if he hasn't physically hit puberty yet that doesn't mean he isn't thinking the same as all other boys his age.

Ponty Boys who are dependent on their Mothers normally go on to be the same with their partners. Hopeless at basically everything because they have always been mollycoddled.

winnybella · 06/12/2011 22:43

YABU and I can understand why your husband is unhappy being kicked out of his own bed.

12 yo doesn't need to be cuddled all night long by his mummy Hmm I doubt my 9 yo would agree to it, actually Grin

Seriously, give him the medicine, make sure he's got his glass of water etc, and leave him in his own bed. If you're really anxious set an alarm clock for middle of the night and go and check up on him.

squeakytoy · 06/12/2011 22:44

chinupbuttercup Tue 06-Dec-11 22:26:52
OMG, my 12 yr old is way off puberty. There is no question of him having reached sexual maturity!

You seriously think that a 12yo is "way off" puberty??? either you are naive, deluded, or a troll in that case.

By 13, the only interest most of the boys in my school had was to try and get into the girls knickers.....

SchrodingersMew · 06/12/2011 22:45

Squeaky I completely agree.

Original poster
chinupbuttercup · 06/12/2011 22:45

OK, PontyMython, Unexpected Orange and olgaga, I accept what you say about making DH move. I do sometimes move myself but sometimes not. Thank you for the support on the other aspect of this which has clearly got lots of people's backs up

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DeckTheHugeWithBoughsOfManatee · 06/12/2011 22:47

I think it's equally weird for a 12yo of either sex. But IMO it gives a particularly iffy message to a boy on the cusp of puberty that all he needs to do to dislodge his father and take his place in bed with mother is be poorly and pitiable.

Sorry, OP, but I can see that idea playing out in your DS' adult life in all kinds of not particularly healthy ways.

PontyMython · 06/12/2011 22:47

I didn't mean that in a puberty/sexual development sense, BTW - more that there seemed to be hints that DS needs to 'man up', and not still need mummy cuddles... Whereas, and forgive me if I'm wrong, I can't imagine people saying that a 12yo girl shouldn't have such cuddles (kicking-DH-out ishoos aside). It's like boys are expected to grow up sooner.

SchrodingersMew · 06/12/2011 22:48

If this was 'AIBU to kick wife out of bed so I can snuggle with 12 year old DD" you would have completely different replies.

Backtobedlam · 06/12/2011 22:48

Why is everyone harping on about puberty? We're talking about a cuddle from his mum, not a friend he's having to stay over, his own mum. 12 isn't that old, and I don't see the relevance of some of these crude comments tbh.

SchrodingersMew · 06/12/2011 22:50

BackToBedlam Because a child at 12 years old has normally hit puberty and therefore too old to be getting their Dad kicked out of bed for snuggles with Mum.

Original poster
chinupbuttercup · 06/12/2011 22:50

Physically way off, I said. And I think I can judge that better than you! But I still don't see the relevance of the state of mind re girls. A cuddle from your mum when you are ill is totally different unless you are a bit weird.

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GnomeDePlume · 06/12/2011 22:51

12! I have an 11 year old, a 13 year old and a 16 year old and all three would rather sweat it out in their own beds than come into bed with mum. That has been the case for some years now.

YABU

SchrodingersMew · 06/12/2011 22:51

There's a difference between a cuddle and an all night snuggle.

Nothing weird about cuddles but still having your 12 yo in bed and kicking DH out for it isn't right or in any way fair on your DH.

himynameisfred · 06/12/2011 22:52

very true SchrodingersMew