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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why if parents are so busy and stressed and "non stop"....

344 replies

minxofmancunia · 04/12/2011 19:50

they then go on to have more children??

expecting to be flamed but read stuff on here all the time ie "eldest 2 are driving me mad, youngest being so clingy and I'm pg with dc 4"

And other similar stuff, why do it if it's so terrible?? I'm not saying don't have a moan now and again, I have 2 and have found it so exceptionally stressful and exhausting I would never have another....

but tbh some people just seem to keep producing then being all martyrish about it, fwiw I think to have more than 3 you need to be an exceptional person with a high level of stress tolerance....and a fair amount of money.

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 05/12/2011 07:56

God, some of the people on here sound lovely.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 05/12/2011 07:59

I started off by being interested but a bit Hmm

Now I am just getting pissed off to be honest Ninky

If someone started a thread about people with no children moaning about it that would bloody awful wouldnt it? Horrible.

But larger families are fair game cos we iz 2 stopid to get the implant.

Morloth · 05/12/2011 08:05

I think YABU.

But to be honest there are times on here and in real life when I do think, 'Just stop having children!'.

For some people life just seems to happen to them, they appear to think they have no control whatsoever.

But everyone has hard times every now and again and people don't tend to post about the good stuff. Just the stuff they need to get off their chests and maybe get some advice/sympathy over, so that is going to skew things.

lockets · 05/12/2011 08:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tryingtoleave · 05/12/2011 08:08

The op is nbu, but a lot of posters are getting defensive and misinterpreting her. She is not saying people shouldn't have big families, only that some people don't seem to be coping with the children they have so shouldn't have more. Not the same thing at all. I had one child, it was easy, so I had another. I have found two extremely difficult (and I whinge about it sometimes) but I didn't know it would be so difficult. Now I know, I'm not having no.3. But I know people who have found one child extremely difficult, seem to get no pleasure out of that child, but are ttc again. I think they are crazy. What do they think two will be like if they can't handle one? I think they just decided at some point that their family would have two children, so they are perservering even though they don't enjoy it.

tryingtoleave · 05/12/2011 08:10

And, just ime, it often seems to be the older, professional, goal-oriented mothers who seem to struggle with one but are determined to have two,

Ragwort · 05/12/2011 08:31

A190 I always retort to parents, "would you be without them?" the answer is always "no".

Of course no one is going to answer in RL ''yes, I made a mistake I should have stuck at none/one/two' - but there are plenty of threads on Mumsnet from people who are really, really struggling with the choice they have made - however they might appear in public.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 05/12/2011 08:33

Its not just the OP that is annoying.

Of course we are going to get defensive. Its just teeny bit annoying to be told your kids are nothing but carbon gobbling wasters.

I would like to see how that crack about pets dogs goes down in the Doghouse.

I would imagine by this time tomorrow MN would be having one of those 'We are offline for a few minutes' moments Grin

I dont really care what people think of me. I am aware that I fit the picture of a stoopid mum with loads of kids with loads of dads who doesnt cope. If certain people saw me in the street they would have me down as a benefit scrounging feckless baby popper.

But that is their prejudice and not my problem. All my children were planned, all have the same dad (apart from the one who has a different mother as well), all wanted, all loved, all cared for.

BTW I am not making a crack about mums with children by different fathers - people just automatically assume my children have different dads and that irks me. Not because I think its terrible to have different dads, but because its not true in my case (tie myself in enough knots for you there Grin )

So sometimes I get a bit defensive. Mostly I ignore it but this AIBU innit?

toptramp · 05/12/2011 08:36

I'm a single mum of one and I find it verry hard but I also enjoy it. That's the ting about parenthood though isn't it? We all find it tough and would love to forget about it and go on a cruise but we wouldn't be without them.

I do miss my child free days though and I wish I had had more of them.

Morloth · 05/12/2011 08:51

I don't think the planet gives a fuck about us TBH.

We are only trying to save it for ourselves.

Unless we do something really really really huge, the planet will still be here for a while yet.

Whether we are here or not is the question.

porcamiseria · 05/12/2011 08:56

I agree 100%.

Everlong · 05/12/2011 09:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GypsyMoth · 05/12/2011 09:20

What about blended families then??

Stepfamilies, foster families....

wordfactory · 05/12/2011 09:25

OP you are not being unresonable.

I will never ever understand people who are clearly not enjoying their lot in life, yet actively seek to make it more difficult.

Common sense tells me that I am at the extent of what I can both manage and enjoy.

TroublesomeEx · 05/12/2011 09:27

YANBU.

I have 2 children.

I found 1 child a piece of piss. 2 children not so....

I'd love a 3rd. I always imagined myself with 3. I do feel broody at times. I love my children and when we're all snuggled up on the sofa, or in bed and when we're out camping and the children are mucking in and we're all doing stuff together, I think, I'd love to be sharing this with another child.

But, when it comes to getting them out to school in the morning, getting homework done, making sure that everyone's needs are met, that I can get them to the places they want to go to etc. I know that another one would be too much.

For some people that cut off is 1, for some it's 3 for some 4, some more.

It's no different to the fact that when I go to the park or for a hike across the moors I think "I'd love a dog". I wouldn't!

TroublesomeEx · 05/12/2011 09:27

Ha wordfactory exactly what I was thinking, but you put so much more succinctly!

porcamiseria · 05/12/2011 09:29

agree folk girl, I want a 3rd. I dont have one as I work FT and I know that for many reasons it will be hard. But mainly cos I wont have enough time to dedicate to them

hate it when people whinge

EricNorthmansMistress · 05/12/2011 09:57

I don't see anything wrong with big families if that's your thing! I know a foster carer who has 8 ranging from late 30s to teens, two huge dogs grand kids and obviously she fosters. She is amazing, happy and loves her life. She was born to be a matriarch and she is great at it. Her life would cause me to have a nervous breakdown so I wouldn't attempt it.

tammygirl · 05/12/2011 10:06

I was reprimanded by a friend acquaintance for having "only two". She has four, is permanently suicidal/stressed/broke/bemoaning the "wicked dwarfs". Frankly I think she is a living commercial for why some people should stick to having one or two kids but instead I said "oh"...

toptramp · 05/12/2011 10:12

With 7 billion humans on plant earth (or thereabouts) I think it's fair to say we are fucked as a species anyway! Having babies was a deep biological urge for me. Everyone tells you how hard it is but it dosn't stop us. It is a million times harder than I thought it would be even though I knew i would be a single mum.
I am not having any others for my mental health and because I'm a selfish, goal orientated career girl who dosn't find children that interesting. I do love them and I work with them but I miss my freedom and I hate someone being dependant on me 24/7.

nativitywreck · 05/12/2011 10:43

I agree with the poster way up thread who pointed out that life might be easier for all these "busy stressed" people, if they did less.

I get really sick of being told by the media, and sometimes by friends with families, and people on here, that "we" live such busy lives "nowadays", there is no time for anything between rushing the kids out the door with a piece of toast clamoed between your teeth, on the way to work/football/ballet/parties yada yada.

Really? I dont have a particularly busy life. I think I have loads of downtime, compared to my grandma when she was my age for instance

I only have one child, but I have a friend with two, and she is always busy busy.Her kids have so many scheduled activities and parties, plus they are always doing big family days out and organised activities, that she is always stressed, never seems to really relax, and drinks way too much of an evening.
If she had 3 or 4 she would be in meltdown by now.

I have decided to be a refusenik.

Just because the media, and encroaching American culture tells us that is the way family life is, doesn't mean we have to subscribe.
I grew up in a very large family, and aside from being fed and clothed (mostly!) we pretty much brought ourselves up.
Now, I am not advocating the laxness I was raised with, but there has to be some perspective, that , if you choose to have 4 kids or whatever, choose to simplify your life.

You don't have to drive your kids everywhere. They don't all have to do a musical instrument. We never had formal lessons, and two of us learned instruments when we grew up, because we wanted to.
They don't need loads of birthday and Xmas presents. Big birthday parties? I have done one, that will probably be it!

I think there has to be a balance. You can say to yourself, OK, I will have the big family, but we are not going to be perfect. I am not going to be a perfect mother who manages to nurture and stimulate my kids at all times while baking from scratch.
Then maybe people would be less frazzled.

minxofmoravia · 05/12/2011 10:51

ok, i appreciate everyones points of view and thanks to those who have pointed out what I was actually trying to say rather than those who have misisnterpreted (sp?) the point I probably, admittedly, didn't put across v well.

I've changed my nn as despite me saying expressly I didn't want to mention my exact area of work someone has obviously done and search am mentioned it for me am Angry. I've tried to be discreet about is as I'm concerned about being identified, is it too much to ask others to not put it out there ffs?! I think I may ask for the thread to be removed in light of this, can put up with the insults and personal remarks but not the witch hunt mentality you get on here at times. i've never done a search on anyone, ever. I think it's extremely bad from to take issues from thread to thread so thanks all and goodbye.

nativitywreck · 05/12/2011 11:24

Very Bad Form. Get thread pulled OP.

minxofmoravia · 05/12/2011 11:30

I've emailed MNHQ but no joy so far, is there anything else I can do?

thanks for your posy btw nativity totally agree, I have over activitied my family due to the culture round here of alpha parenting but next year am going to try to calm it right down!

EricNorthmansMistress · 05/12/2011 12:25

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