Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DH?

349 replies

OhThisIsJustGrape · 03/12/2011 15:41

quick back story: DH doesn't cook. Ever. Claims he can't, although has managed to knock himself up steak and oven chips on occasion and can boil pasta (after I had to tell him the instructions are on the back of the packet).

In almost 16 years of us being together he has never made me anything more substantial to eat than toast.

His main excuse is always that even if he did cook it, I wouldn't eat it due to me not trusting him to wash his hands/cook food thoroughly etc. Tbh I do have a bit of a germ phobia but I know that if I thought for one second that he followed basic food hygiene then there wouldn't be an issue. To me, he is using it as a get out cause.

I'm a SAHM, 4 DCs of which 2 are preschoolers. I have tea on the table for him every night without fail mostly. Often it's cooked from scratch. I've come to hate cooking over recent years, so much so that I rarely even eat what has been cooked as I now have zero interest in food. DH works very long hours, only ever has sundays off and the only contribution to the household tasks is putting the rubbish out when he remembers and putting DD2 to bed each night. Kids are bathed before hr comes home and I often iron in the evenings. My weekends are spent catching up on cleaning as he is here to occupy the kids so I make the most of it. I hate that my weekends are always full of chores whilst he gets to play with the DCs, I feel as though I never get a day off.

Anyway, after the DH non-cooking thread the other day in which lots of posters suggested buying the DH a cookery book I thought I'd try that idea. I just said to DH that I was going to buy him a cookery book for Christmas so he could learn to cook, I quickly added that I would only expect him to cook on weekends.

His immediate reply was 'fuck off am I working 60 hours a week to then spend all weekend cooking'.

I am honestly shocked. I told him that it was one of the worst things he has said to me, I feel he has totally devalued everything I do, 7 days a week may I add.

Oh god, I'm over reacting aren't I? I feel really shit because he doesn't seem to accept that I work too. He's an excellent dad but I get no help in the house whatsoever and I'm sick of it. This remark is just the final nail in the coffin I guess.

AIBU?

OP posts:
northeastofeden · 03/12/2011 17:50

OP to me you just sound knackered and fed up, the trouble with being SAHM is you never really get time off, unlike a regular job.

I think you should relax your standards on the cleaning if possible, no one is going to die if things get a bit messy, it is actually good for kids to be exposed to some germs! Batch cook meals so you are not always cooking and try and palm the kids off on a GP/ friends for a weekend so you and DH can get away for a bit and relax. Wine

Most importantly be kind to yourself!

valiumredhead · 03/12/2011 17:51

Slow cookers are great and you can do big pieces of meat in them too if you get one big enough.

northeastofeden · 03/12/2011 17:51

I meant on GP's not 'on a GP' - unless you have a very understanding GP that is in which case they are pretty well qualified to childmind I would think!

thunderboltsandlightning · 03/12/2011 17:54

He works a sixty hour week not a 72 hour week Squeaky.

And yes he is lazy if he can't lift a finger in the home when his wife is being run into the ground with responbility for everything including taking care of their children.

TheCrackFox · 03/12/2011 17:54

When I was a SAHM DH used to (still does) work 60+ hrs a week and was still perfectly capable of pitching in on his days off.

Judging by some of the comments on here it is a wonder that single men who work long hours don't starve to death.

Maybe, if he really doesn't want to learn how to cook (although he should be able to as it is an essential life skill) he could be in charge of breakfasts and lunch at the weekends? It is not difficult to russel up cereal and sandwiches.

Slambang · 03/12/2011 17:56

My solution was to go on cooking strike on sunday nights. I told dh he could take us out for a meal, get a takeaway, cook or serve us beans on toast. I didn't care as long as he decided what we had and organised it on Sunday nights. It has now become a lovely family occasion and dh enjoys making a big mess effort.

Ilovepigs · 03/12/2011 17:56

I am disgusted at some of the responses given to the op here. Since when is it acceptable to tell a woman that because her dh worjs 60 hours a week that she basically has to be his slave and suck it up?

She facillitates him going to work by providing childcare for their 4 kids-and she worked full time herself not so long ago!!

This has really riled me as it was not so long ago I was in a similiar predicament. Dh also works very long hours and saw weekend as "his" time-leaving me to do all the housework AND entertain the kids.

It was only thanks to good advice on mn that I realised that this wasnt fair at all. Now we get equal amounts of spare time-dh does his share with the dcs at weekend and on a saturday we either have a takeaway or a frozen pizza.

Op-you stop enabling your dh by simply stopping doing what you are doing. Get up on a sat morning,announce that you are going out for the day and that he can provide the dcs with pizza or beans on toast.

Please dont ever let him speak to you like that again-its not on.

alistron1 · 03/12/2011 17:56

But crackfox, MEN who work shouldn't have to do anything. Poor, delicate flowers....

TheCrackFox · 03/12/2011 17:58

I know the poor darling shouldn't have to lift a finger he should sit on his arse watching his wife getting more frassled and bitter by the minute. It will be ever so good for his sex life. Not.

thunderboltsandlightning · 03/12/2011 17:58

House work and childcare are what domestic appliances women are for.

We should all have learned that at Stepford nightclasses.

squeakytoy · 03/12/2011 17:59

And yes he is lazy if he can't lift a finger in the home when his wife is being run into the ground with responbility for everything including taking care of their children

You are making it up as you go along now... where has the OP said he doesnt do anything for the kids? She hasnt. Stop projecting.

TheCrackFox · 03/12/2011 18:00

Well he will have to learn to cook his own dinner and do his own housework when the OP inevitably divorces him.

BalloonSlayer · 03/12/2011 18:02

My advice would be to simplify what you give the family to eat. More ready meals, etc.

If/When he becomes "not impressed," say: "I told you I can't cope with all the cooking. I asked you for help. You told me to fuck off. I still can't cope with all the cooking. What do you suggest?"

Rehearse it.

thunderboltsandlightning · 03/12/2011 18:02

I"m sure Grape will come and tell us about how much he does for his 4 dcs Squeaky. He puts his dd to bed, that's apparently it.

swallowedAfly · 03/12/2011 18:02

ok honestly it sounds like it is really sinking where you've gotten to in your life and who you've gotten there with and how they see you and not liking what you see. if you've had young children for years as you must have done then presumably you've barely had your head above water and this may be the coming up from underwater and looking around moment.

i really feel for you.

i suspect you're waking up to something and this will not stop at wondering about whether he should cook a meal.

please try to ignore the stepford wife contingent - you are so not wrong to feel resentful and unappreciated. when the two of you are in the house together with the children you both made you should be a team - two adults who fell in love and chose to go on a journey together not one 'real' human and one side kick servant who doesn't merit leisure or play or being taken care of whilst the other one does.

i don't blame you for taking a look around and thinking wtf?! no big house is worth living like this imo.

pm if you need to let off steam or chat. i daren't stay around too long as i don't go down well with the stepfords - next they'll be telling you to buy some frilly knickers and satisfy him better in the bedroom. i bet your sex life would tell a story in itself though. take care.

alistron1 · 03/12/2011 18:03

When he's divorced will he, and please sit down for this, have to wash his own pants AND work full time?

squeakytoy · 03/12/2011 18:07

thunderboltsandlightning Sat 03-Dec-11 18:02:22
I"m sure Grape will come and tell us about how much he does for his 4 dcs Squeaky. He puts his dd to bed, that's apparently it

You missed the other bit then where OP says he plays with the kids while he is at home at the weekend then? Or chose to ignore it.

My weekends are spent catching up on cleaning as he is here to occupy the kids so I make the most of it. I hate that my weekends are always full of chores whilst he gets to play with the DCs, I feel as though I never get a day off.

So what do you suggest then Thunder, should he get on with the housework, while OP plays with the kids, and then he can go back to work on Monday, having not spent ANY time with his kids all weekend, and gets home too late to see them because they are in bed.

Or should the OP "leave the bastard", because after all, he forced her into pregnancy (according to you), and treats her like a slave.

Hmm
TheCrackFox · 03/12/2011 18:08

Maybe he will just buy new pants everyday? After all he is a man and he works long(ish) hours so can't possibly be expected to do anything as demeaning as looking after himself.

alistron1 · 03/12/2011 18:09

Will he buy them pants with the days of the week on the front so he doesn't even have to think about which pair to wear on what day?

Laquitar · 03/12/2011 18:09

YANBU to want him to cook on weekends.

BUT...
YABU to buy him a cookery book for Christmas when he doesn't like cooking. I hate ironing and i dont iron well. If my dh bought me a book on 'How to iron better' for christmas i would say 'fuck off'. I hate passive-agressive present ideas.

Buy him a present that he likes.

You both seem to do a lot, the only solution is to lower your standards imo. Plenty of healthy eating solutions for 10-15 min preparation, he/you can do that for now until life gets easier.

swallowedAfly · 03/12/2011 18:13

perhaps squeaky will feel so sorry for him she'll go round and wash his pants of a weekend.

alistron1 · 03/12/2011 18:15

LOL @swallowed!!!

maybe there should be a service for wifey wimmin to look after 'MEN WHO WORK'

babyhammock · 03/12/2011 18:15

I am disgusted at some of the responses given to the op here. Since when is it acceptable to tell a woman that because her dh worjs 60 hours a week that she basically has to be his slave and suck it up?
Exactly what Ilovepigs said

And lol at TheCrackFox above.... too true!... jeeze I don't know how I didn't starve to death when I was single working 60+ hrs a week...

thunderboltsandlightning · 03/12/2011 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

alistron1 · 03/12/2011 18:17

I mean, all SAHM's should be jolly grateful and anticipate the every need of their DH's otherwise they are BAD and LAZY and quite possibly SLATTERNS.