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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is DH?

349 replies

OhThisIsJustGrape · 03/12/2011 15:41

quick back story: DH doesn't cook. Ever. Claims he can't, although has managed to knock himself up steak and oven chips on occasion and can boil pasta (after I had to tell him the instructions are on the back of the packet).

In almost 16 years of us being together he has never made me anything more substantial to eat than toast.

His main excuse is always that even if he did cook it, I wouldn't eat it due to me not trusting him to wash his hands/cook food thoroughly etc. Tbh I do have a bit of a germ phobia but I know that if I thought for one second that he followed basic food hygiene then there wouldn't be an issue. To me, he is using it as a get out cause.

I'm a SAHM, 4 DCs of which 2 are preschoolers. I have tea on the table for him every night without fail mostly. Often it's cooked from scratch. I've come to hate cooking over recent years, so much so that I rarely even eat what has been cooked as I now have zero interest in food. DH works very long hours, only ever has sundays off and the only contribution to the household tasks is putting the rubbish out when he remembers and putting DD2 to bed each night. Kids are bathed before hr comes home and I often iron in the evenings. My weekends are spent catching up on cleaning as he is here to occupy the kids so I make the most of it. I hate that my weekends are always full of chores whilst he gets to play with the DCs, I feel as though I never get a day off.

Anyway, after the DH non-cooking thread the other day in which lots of posters suggested buying the DH a cookery book I thought I'd try that idea. I just said to DH that I was going to buy him a cookery book for Christmas so he could learn to cook, I quickly added that I would only expect him to cook on weekends.

His immediate reply was 'fuck off am I working 60 hours a week to then spend all weekend cooking'.

I am honestly shocked. I told him that it was one of the worst things he has said to me, I feel he has totally devalued everything I do, 7 days a week may I add.

Oh god, I'm over reacting aren't I? I feel really shit because he doesn't seem to accept that I work too. He's an excellent dad but I get no help in the house whatsoever and I'm sick of it. This remark is just the final nail in the coffin I guess.

AIBU?

OP posts:

swallowedAfly · 03/12/2011 18:17

that almost makes me tempted to scroll up and read what i missed thunder but no, i've just eaten.

LadyBeagleBaublesAndBells · 03/12/2011 18:17

I just wouldn't bother with any housework at the weekend, since you're doing it 5 days a week anyway.
Leaving it a couple of days won't do any harm.
Though I do think the cookery book is quite a good idea, he might end up enjoying cooking, some people do.

swallowedAfly · 03/12/2011 18:18

and don't forget if they don't service their poor hard working dh's they might be helplessly snared into being unfaithful by those whiley evil women out there who are dying to get their hands on him

alistron1 · 03/12/2011 18:18

I combine glamour shots with the wifework. I'm vair efficient.

squeakytoy · 03/12/2011 18:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

thunderboltsandlightning · 03/12/2011 18:20

I'm being naughty, I was referring to another thread. But then Squeaky was making digs about other posts I've made. So alls fair etc etc

squeakytoy · 03/12/2011 18:22

that almost makes me tempted to scroll up and read what i missed thunder but no, i've just eaten

You didnt miss anything.. unless you want to go searching for a post that I made 11 months ago, that Thunders harps on, and on, and on about.. at any opportunity.

But just to save you the trouble.. I do freelance photography work, and some of that work has been to take glamour portraits for friends. Thunders gets a bit confused though, and think that is porn.. but we dont need to cover all that...again.

thunderboltsandlightning · 03/12/2011 18:22

You haven't come up with constructive suggestions, you've tried to make this all about how this is the OP's problem and completely refused to address her DH's shitty exploitative behaviour to her Squeaky.

squeakytoy · 03/12/2011 18:23

I'm being naughty, I was referring to another thread. But then Squeaky was making digs about other posts I've made. So alls fair etc etc

Could you point out any "digs" that I have made, particularly any digs that refer to other threads?

thanks :)

thunderboltsandlightning · 03/12/2011 18:23

"that Thunders harps on, and on, and on about.. at any opportunity"

Well that's bollocks for starters. This is the first time I've mentioned it!

But if you're going to make digs at me, which you seem to enjoy doing, I'm sure you won't mind some back.

squeakytoy · 03/12/2011 18:25

I dont mind, but it isnt the first time that you have mentioned it at all. Just the first time in this thread...

LadyBeagleBaublesAndBells · 03/12/2011 18:26

FFS you two, find somewhere else to argue.

thunderboltsandlightning · 03/12/2011 18:27

This is a dig:

Sneery and diggy.

I can't beleive your total lack of empathy on this thread either. Half the posts on here have been about kicking the OP when she's down. It's awful

AyeSmagic · 03/12/2011 18:28

What a tough situation, OP.

It seems that your (plural) lifestyle isn't working for you both and isn't sustainable. Can you sit down with him and work out some solutions together?

Ilovepigs · 03/12/2011 18:28

Hey ladies-can we keep the back biting for another time?

Op-as I said in my previous comment-I used to buy the bullshit that my dh fed me before about how he didnt have to life a finger in the home as he "worked" and I didnt[anger].

But thats exactly what it is-bullshit- and you need to call him on it. Dont let him away with the pathetic excuse that he cant cook any longer-he is your dh,supposedly-not another child for you to look after.

StepAwayFromTheMincePies · 03/12/2011 18:30

I too do everything, did it all when I worked and do it all now I am redundant. BUT on a friday I do not cook a family meal, ds1 and 2 are older so I tend to get a pizza for them or they find something for themselves as they usually going out earlier than we would eat, I then sit and wait until DH realises that I am not cooking and suggests food. even if its scrambled egg on toast or beans I let him do it.... friday is my day off from cooking! saturday tends to be a cobble something together kind of day unless Ds2 is out then we will buy in something like a camembert to bake and some naice bread or rustle up something together.

altinkum · 03/12/2011 18:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakytoy · 03/12/2011 18:34

OP, YANBU, however neither is he tbh, I think if possible you should eat out at least once a week, or get a takeaway delivered etc... or even if its ready made meals once a week, if your dh doesn't like it, then he knows where the kitchen is.

Which is exactly what I suggested..

AyeSmagic · 03/12/2011 18:35

Please stop with the takeaway stuff. It just shows that you're not listening to the OP.

altinkum · 03/12/2011 18:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 03/12/2011 18:40

Lord, OP, I can't believe you have the audacity to be pissed off that your working week is Monday-to-Sunday, all day every day. Just who do you think you are expecting some chore-sharing at the weekend? Blasphemous!!

And for the love of God - give it up with the takeaway suggestions already people!

altinkum · 03/12/2011 18:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakytoy · 03/12/2011 18:41

I agree altinkum, and I apologise to those who have had to read it... but I also think (and this is my last word on it I promise), that dragging out stuff from very old threads to try and point score with insults was unnecessary, irrelevant, and spiteful.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/12/2011 18:43

You did, Squeaky, several of us have suggested it too. This has become a tirade as it always does.

All I've seen from the 'leave the bastard' crew is the typical slagging off of the husband. That must make the OP feel so happy, being such a crap judge of character. I think the majority of posters, if not complete in agreement on 'fault', take a more pragmatic view of what could be done to improve the situation going forward. However, so much easier for some to congregate and cackle, devoid of an audience elswhere.

Dumpyandabdabs · 03/12/2011 18:44

YADNBU!!! This is total bollocks. My husband works about 50 hours a week and I work 22. We both clean, we both do the cooking, washing, hoovering etc etc. I'm by no means a hard and fast feminist but it really annoys me when simpering women go on about how lucky they are if there husband manages to dry some dishes once a fortnight. Having children and a house should be a partnership and if you're home, be it all the time or just at weekends you should contribute to the daily tasks!!!

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