AIBU or is DH?

[OhThisIsJustGrape]

quick back story: DH doesn't cook. Ever. Claims he can't, although has managed to knock himself up steak and oven chips on occasion and can boil pasta (after I had to tell him the instructions are on the back of the packet).

In almost 16 years of us being together he has never made me anything more substantial to eat than toast.

His main excuse is always that even if he did cook it, I wouldn't eat it due to me not trusting him to wash his hands/cook food thoroughly etc. Tbh I do have a bit of a germ phobia but I know that if I thought for one second that he followed basic food hygiene then there wouldn't be an issue. To me, he is using it as a get out cause.

I'm a SAHM, 4 DCs of which 2 are preschoolers. I have tea on the table for him every night without fail mostly. Often it's cooked from scratch. I've come to hate cooking over recent years, so much so that I rarely even eat what has been cooked as I now have zero interest in food. DH works very long hours, only ever has sundays off and the only contribution to the household tasks is putting the rubbish out when he remembers and putting DD2 to bed each night. Kids are bathed before hr comes home and I often iron in the evenings. My weekends are spent catching up on cleaning as he is here to occupy the kids so I make the most of it. I hate that my weekends are always full of chores whilst he gets to play with the DCs, I feel as though I never get a day off.

Anyway, after the DH non-cooking thread the other day in which lots of posters suggested buying the DH a cookery book I thought I'd try that idea. I just said to DH that I was going to buy him a cookery book for Christmas so he could learn to cook, I quickly added that I would only expect him to cook on weekends.

His immediate reply was 'fuck off am I working 60 hours a week to then spend all weekend cooking'.

I am honestly shocked. I told him that it was one of the worst things he has said to me, I feel he has totally devalued everything I do, 7 days a week may I add.

Oh god, I'm over reacting aren't I? I feel really shit because he doesn't seem to accept that I work too. He's an excellent dad but I get no help in the house whatsoever and I'm sick of it. This remark is just the final nail in the coffin I guess.

AIBU?

It boils down to him thinking he deserves time off and you don't because he is more important...
Pleeeeeease don't think you're being unreasonable

That's exactly it, I'd love just one night off from having to prepare, cook, dish up a meal for everyone. I'd love for someone to do that for me, just for once.

I try and menu plan when I do my online food order but he won't even help me out with ideas as to what to gave. Or his classic way of helping will be to suggest something that only he and DC1 like, so I still have to come up with something for the others. I'm just sick to death of thinking about bloody food tbh.

The germ issue - there really isn't one. I like my house to be generally clean but I am in no way obsessive (my cobwebs prove that!). DH maintains that I am OCD about it all, based in things like me insisting the children wash their hands before eating. I do carry hand gel with me when out and about and I do put it on the children before eating when out. With regards to food hygiene, I don't like handling raw meat, especially chicken, so I am very thorough about cleaning up after doing so. I had salmonella about 10 years ago so I think I'm justified. DH thinks I'm mad.

I certainly don't spend all day cleaning but I do spend a large amount if it doing chores - washing, putting away ironing, sweeping, mopping, cooking, paperwork, dog walking and running around doing school runs/college pick ups/after school clubs etc. I genuinely dint stop all day. Maybe I need to manage my time better.

Grape in your OP you said that 'he did (oven) chips'. Do you have an issue with that, did you want him to peel potatoes?

Your household is busy. Bussiness, 4 children. So cooking time consuming meals every day is madness imo. Have food from freezer, have eggs and beans, have soup and s/ws, have pasta and cous cous. have sardines, hummus, felafel. Tinned kidney beans in tortila wraps. Chicken tights in the oven.

You dont need to chop onions everyday. I think he might be happier to join in if the meals are simpler?
And maybe what he said was just a jerk reaction to your present idea.
Talk to him. You have a busy and hard phase, you both need to relax and to work like team.

Not letting your husband off the hook, but if you have children who are old enough for college, they are old enough to handle an iron/duster/cook a meal themselves.

You should definitely be looking at bringing in your elder children to help with the day to day chores, they need to learn how to look after themselves too.

OP you are not being unreasonable, please see that.

I cannot believe some posters have made you feel as if you are. :(

Bet he says all that OCD and unpleasable stuff in order to get out of cooking. The fact that he refuses to even try because he "knows" you wouldn't be happy is rather telling. How can he know for certain unless he does it once? It's like by refusing to do it even once he can keep saying that you won't be happy. It also avoids you proving him wrong by being satisfied by his cooking...which would mean he had to actually cook occasionally and his get out of jail free card would be proved wrong.

I havent ready through all this , but,. DH works 60 hours weeks, and I am a sahm to one. During the week I carry the house without complaint, actually quiet pleased at partial retirement. Dh earns 6 figure money, he seems to loose is sanity and health doing this, yet nothing makes him happier than taking over weeknd cooking.
. It is normal for men to help cooking, at leas in the party of tbe world that lives in the 21st century.

No of course I didn't expect him to peel potatoes, I was merely trying to illustrate how poor basic his cooking skills are. Now I feel as though I'm being passive aggressive, like I'm belittling him?

Just to add, I said earlier he can put fish fingers in the oven. This is true but, if I'm in the house he won't even think about putting the oven on or what time they need to go in the oven. He never ever does it on his own initiative, if I'm out he'll do it but only because I'll say 'tea is at 5 so make sure you put oven on at blah, blah time...'. It just doesn't enter his head, things like that. Ever.

i dont get why someone who stays home 7 days a week leaves all the housework to the weekend, so they can huff and puff and show hubby what a martyr they are perhaps?

housework takes a couple of hours a day each day tops, and thats being thorough. I really do recommend some of you invest in some time management advice, seeing as you are all so gung ho about self help books :)

HTH

Ds1 is old enough for college, yes, but is ASD. He does help out but it's limited.

Omg! i thought all dcs are young, i didn't know they are college-age. They should join in then!!

Yes, it is normal.

I'm a SAHM too. I can feel my hackles rising with each post you write, because if my life was like that I would be resenting and hating my DH a little bit more every day. And that is no life to live.

It is normal for decent men to share the load during down times - weekends, holidays, etc.

Stuff this nonsense about altering the way you do things, but with you still doing it all. He needs to start stepping up to the plate as a husband.

Actually if you have 4 kids (as the OP and I do) then you all have to do a bit each day (even weekends) in order to keep on top of the crap. Also, when a SAHM I used to leave big jobs until the weekend for us all to do 'cos I sure as shit wasn't going to fit it all in between school/playgroup runs.

I do not deliberately leave housework until the weekend. I could clean every single day but with 6 of us there is still stuff to be done on a weekend - washing, ironing and bloody cooking are the minimum of things that still need to be done daily regardless of which day of the week it is!

grape..

Dont do housework at the weekends... if the place is a tip, let it be a tip until Monday.. if he mentions it, tell him where the hoover lives.

When you cook during the week, make double of some things, like mashed potato. That can be kept in the fridge for upto 4 days in a lidded container, and reheated in the microwave. If you get a good stock of frozen things in the freezer like bolognaise, shepherds pie, chilli, casseroles, then it is very easy to only have to cook every other day.

Do you have a tumble dryer? If not why not, and if you do, then why are you ironing? Fold things and put them away as they come out of the dryer and there is really no need to iron most things.

People help each other because they love each other. Not to score points. DH works, I don't. We share the home, we share work that goes with it outside of his working hours. Bollocks if I am signing myself over to be his slave while he pursues the career that he loves.

Op, yanbu. Most here agree that, some are putting the onus on you to find solutions to coerce the poor little man (or should that be big strong hunter gatherer man? ) into supporting you by stealth.

Op yanbu to expect him to give you a break everynow and then. I am similar postion alough i think my children are younger (they are 7,5,2 and 1 and i am pregnant with dc5) dh is self employed and works long hours. I do most of the housework and cooking, i have set up really strict routines to get through this and actually i dint mind the set up 95% of the time it works well and i have spare time BUT every now and then i just have a day where ive had enough. For example perhaps dh will finish work and ill just say - ive had enough i need a break so he will either cook something quick or order a takeaway while i watch tv upstairs or something. I would be more than pissed off if he told me to fuck off when i needed a break.

he doesn't sound like is is devaluing what YOU do, but valuing himself a bit much, he sounds spoilt

OP i sympathise but its hard to know if your standards are too high and you are making your life more difficult.

suggestions .... only one major job a day. do you REALLY have to hoover more than once a week? same with bathrooms etc and every other day a quick wipe. i think wipes are great to have in toilet for a quick wipe down of seat etc.

what exactly do you iron? other than shirts for uniforms or dp and couple of bits everything should be ok once folded properly. get a laudry basket for each of your kids to bring down once full of dirty clothes and bring up to put away once full with clean clothes.

get your kids to do some jobs even if not done to your standard ... bit of polishing etc

make friends with convenience foods ... a night of frozen pizzas or chips or ready made meals wont kill anyone.

simply meals, make a big dinner or stews something that can be reheated next day. in case of stew, reheat in the pot and tell dp help himself when he comes in

scuzy, but DP wouldn't be happy with 'ready meals' and I'm just guessing that he'd make comment if the gaff weren't perfect.

thats another thing ... other than that defensive comment which was uncalled for about the cookery book does he comment if things aren't clean?

OP, i'm not saying you need help but not prepared to say your dp is being totally unreasonable without a bigger picture

Op just reading through some of the other posts i would say only iron uniforms etc, i hoover everyday because the floors get so messy with the kids all over them for some reason but i suppose it depends on the ages of the children? I also do one or two loads of washign everyday but only iron what really needs it. I also have jobs for he two oldest to do on a chart on the wall (make beds, evening tidy up of toys etc) so i dont see why your older children cant help even if it is with simple things like clearing away dishes.
When it all gets really bad i get a black bag stand in the middle of the room and count to 100 its amazing how fast people tidy up when they see their stuff about to be chucked out (including dh!)

There are ready meals, and then there are ready meals...

A ready made lasagne, reheated in the oven with a bit more cheese grated on top, bag of fresh salad, garlic bread, and some oven chips is hardly the same as a birds eye frozen chicken dinner. But there is minimal preparation and there will be a maximum of 6 plates to wash up afterwards.

"do you REALLY have to hoover more than once a week?"

She doesn't hoover more than once a week scuzy.

This isn't about her managing her domestic chores more effectively or having too high standards. This is about the fact that her dh won't lift a finger to do any of them.