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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DH?

349 replies

OhThisIsJustGrape · 03/12/2011 15:41

quick back story: DH doesn't cook. Ever. Claims he can't, although has managed to knock himself up steak and oven chips on occasion and can boil pasta (after I had to tell him the instructions are on the back of the packet).

In almost 16 years of us being together he has never made me anything more substantial to eat than toast.

His main excuse is always that even if he did cook it, I wouldn't eat it due to me not trusting him to wash his hands/cook food thoroughly etc. Tbh I do have a bit of a germ phobia but I know that if I thought for one second that he followed basic food hygiene then there wouldn't be an issue. To me, he is using it as a get out cause.

I'm a SAHM, 4 DCs of which 2 are preschoolers. I have tea on the table for him every night without fail mostly. Often it's cooked from scratch. I've come to hate cooking over recent years, so much so that I rarely even eat what has been cooked as I now have zero interest in food. DH works very long hours, only ever has sundays off and the only contribution to the household tasks is putting the rubbish out when he remembers and putting DD2 to bed each night. Kids are bathed before hr comes home and I often iron in the evenings. My weekends are spent catching up on cleaning as he is here to occupy the kids so I make the most of it. I hate that my weekends are always full of chores whilst he gets to play with the DCs, I feel as though I never get a day off.

Anyway, after the DH non-cooking thread the other day in which lots of posters suggested buying the DH a cookery book I thought I'd try that idea. I just said to DH that I was going to buy him a cookery book for Christmas so he could learn to cook, I quickly added that I would only expect him to cook on weekends.

His immediate reply was 'fuck off am I working 60 hours a week to then spend all weekend cooking'.

I am honestly shocked. I told him that it was one of the worst things he has said to me, I feel he has totally devalued everything I do, 7 days a week may I add.

Oh god, I'm over reacting aren't I? I feel really shit because he doesn't seem to accept that I work too. He's an excellent dad but I get no help in the house whatsoever and I'm sick of it. This remark is just the final nail in the coffin I guess.

AIBU?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 03/12/2011 19:58

This isn't about her managing her domestic chores more effectively or having too high standards. This is about the fact that her dh won't lift a finger to do any of them.

So what can YOU suggest then, to make the OPs life easier?

Laquitar · 03/12/2011 19:59

And a packet of chicken tights is like ready meal really, you just put them in the oven. 100s other ideas.

thunderboltsandlightning · 03/12/2011 20:01

I think the first thing she needs to do is to be aware of what's going on here - that her husband is out of order. Not suck it up or turn herself into more pretzel shapes to do all the housework, all the cooking, all the shopping, all the washing, all the ironing etc etc

We haven't even got that far because there are a whole lot of people who have been lining up to say that Grape is being unreasonable.

Original poster
OhThisIsJustGrape · 03/12/2011 20:04

DH doesn't moan if the housework isn't done, but that's exactly my point. I'm lucky in that doesn't care if I haven't had a chance to clean but on the flip side that means he'd happily live in a shit hole and thinks I'm OCD (his words) when I insist on tidying up. It also means that he never picks anything up or clears up after himself.

The oldest two do tidy their rooms (eventually after much nagging Hmm, they help clear up after tea or play with the little ones while I do so. DH misses out on all the clearing away as he's not home on time. His meal gets put in the oven to keep warm until he gets home.

I am resentful yes. I resent how much time and energy he puts into the business when it means he has so little left over for us. I resent how I've never been able to peruse the career I wanted to due to having no back up from him and given that he can be called out at any time of day or night (he has abandoned us in a restaurant on a Sunday lunchtime before) I can't rely on him for any childcare especially when the career I wanted involves night shifts.

I'm resentful that he gets a christmas works do to go to each year when I don't and I don't have anyone to go out with either.

I'm lucky to have the opportunity to be at home whilst my children are little and having juggled working with having young children before I appreciate not having the stress of doing both. I am lucky. How do I get over the resentment though?

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 03/12/2011 20:04

I bet he grew up with his mum doing everything and his dad not lifting a finger at home

Soups · 03/12/2011 20:05

baked "chicken tights" Xmas Grin

yum yum

Almostfifty · 03/12/2011 20:05

Actually if you have 4 kids (as the OP and I do) then you all have to do a bit each day (even weekends) in order to keep on top of the crap.

Alistron1 No you don't. The only housework you need to do at weekends is washing, as if you dare to have a day off you then spend the entire week washing clothes.

Obviously clearing the kitchen is not included in the housework list, as it's ongoing every single day of every single week of every single month of every single year...

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 03/12/2011 20:05

Also the oldest two need to help with washing, hoovering etc too, cleaning toilet and communal areas as well

ivykaty44 · 03/12/2011 20:06

So what can YOU suggest then, to make the OPs life easier?

for starters get rid of the leech - they suck the life out of you and drain your dry.

thunderboltsandlightning · 03/12/2011 20:07

"It also means that he never picks anything up or clears up after himself."

So you pick up after him. Good grief.

You get over the resentment by challenging his rubbish behaviour, not accepting it. Why are you putting up with it Grape? I asked earlier.

I also asked if he normally swears at you if he's not happy about something.

helpmabob · 03/12/2011 20:10

I just can't wade through 11 pages of this. I got as far as some posters saying 60hrs working outside the home is superior to 60hrs as a sahm and I thought my blood pressure might explode. What utter bollocks! As a sahm there are days where my bum literally does not touch down on a seat and as for coffee, I might make it as far as making a cup but damned if I get to drink it. It is physically and mentally demanding and it is unrelenting as anyone who does it day in and day out can tell you especially for a mum of 4.

And when I did work full time and my dh worked full time, we still had to cook meals and clear up so no excuse for not helping you op. Before children I worked really late hours but I still had to eat when I got home and so did dh.

If my dh ever suggested that what he did was more then what I did he'd be out the door. It is a total lack of respect and consideration and firmly steeped in the archaic ages of patriarchy.

Original poster
OhThisIsJustGrape · 03/12/2011 20:12

Yes I do end up picking up after him. He tends to go to bed after me and sometimes leaves before I get up in the morning. On those mornings I'll often go through to the kitchen and find beer tins on the counter rather than in the bin, his mobile charger left hanging off the side still plugged in and switched on (just waiting for DS2 to come along and stick it in his mouth...). Short of leaving it like that all day, I have little choice but to clear up after him.

He is very sweary, it's the environment he works in. He doesn't mean it in an aggressive way I don't think, it's just the way he speaks. Doesn't make it right but I certainly don't take offence at the swear words.

OP posts:
daveywarbeck · 03/12/2011 20:14

The eldest DC is 16? He/she can cook one night a week for a start.

Original poster
OhThisIsJustGrape · 03/12/2011 20:16

My eldest dc is 16 but has ASD. He helps me cook but cannot cook unsupervised.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 03/12/2011 20:16

On those mornings I'll often go through to the kitchen and find beer tins on the counter rather than in the bin, his mobile charger left hanging off the side still plugged in and switched on (just waiting for DS2 to come along and stick it in his mouth...). Short of leaving it like that all day, I have little choice but to clear up after him

Ummm, hate to say this, but at least he leaves them on the side. I know that must be a little irritating, but it will still only take 2 seconds to put them into the bin, and one second to chuck the mobile charger lead out of the way.

I know, I know, I know.. he should do it... but its not as if it is going to eat into a huge part of your day or is really "clearing up after him" is it..

Laquitar · 03/12/2011 20:17

Grin Soup
Honestly its better than baked socks!

OriginalPoster · 03/12/2011 20:18

You have said you are both stressed, neither of you sound happy. Sad You have been depressed in the past and need to pay attention to the warning signs of stress.

I haven't read all of the thread, but do you spend time together, just relaxing, chatting, laughing cuddling (or more?).

Do you have things in your week that you look forward to, things you get enthusiastic about?

From your posts, it sounds like your family life has lost its balance, all work and stress.

For me, the things I have to do but don't enjoy, are balanced out by things I do like doing. I wouldn't think of cleaning, for example, without a good podcast on. If I'm cooking I'd listen to the radio or some music. I have several interests, like teaching myself an instrument, painting, drawing and learning languages, so I always have something to look forward to.

If your dh said he'd cook all meals on Sunday, would that really change how you feel about your life? Or is there more to it?

Original poster
OhThisIsJustGrape · 03/12/2011 20:19

You're right Squeaky, it takes no time at all. It's the mentality behind it that I struggle with - he knows that if he can't be arsed to do something then there's always someone who'll go along behind him and do it for him.

Oh the luxury.

If I can't be arsed to do something then it doesn't get done.

OP posts:
helpmabob · 03/12/2011 20:20

I dont know what planet some people on here live on suggesting you put up with it, why the hell should you? But I think OriginalPoster's advice is good. It does sound like the balance is wrong.

squeakytoy · 03/12/2011 20:21

Going to back then to the post about how he leaves the bathroom dirty. Dont clean that up after him. You have 3 other bathrooms for the rest of the family to use. Let him wallow in the shit.

Original poster
OhThisIsJustGrape · 03/12/2011 20:25

We very rarely talk nowadays, maybe 5 minutes snatched here and there. The older 2 are always around, we have no privacy. DS2 sleeps in our room and doesn't sleep well so I go into him sometimes twice during the evening and he ends up in bed with us eventually at some point in the night. We need to move him out but we don't have a bedroom for him yet. He could share with my 3 year old but her room is tiny and I don't feel she's big enough to sleep in a top bunk yet.

I hardly ever have anything to look forward to. I get stupidly excited about Christmas so that's carrying me through at the moment but I always hit a huge low in January (which I'm dreading already). I am looking forward to going shopping tomorrow as my friend is coming too and I haven't seen her for a while.

I miss adult conversation tbh.

OP posts:
thunderboltsandlightning · 03/12/2011 20:25

If it takes no time at all, then why doesn't he do it for himself.

Grape isn't expecting him to pick up after her.

Why are you putting up with this Grape? Surely you can see he's not treating you properly.

thunderboltsandlightning · 03/12/2011 20:26

He's like your fifth child. One who pays rent.

AyeSmagic · 03/12/2011 20:27

Squeakytoy, are you saying that those things are the OP's job?

She just wants a break. Is that too much to ask?

Grape, can you say to your husband that you aren't happy and this lifestyle isn't working for you?

daveywarbeck · 03/12/2011 20:27
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