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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not wanting to go to his parents at Christmas because of stupid traditions they have

252 replies

LittleEmanuel · 02/12/2011 10:29

DP and I have been going through a rough time lately to the point where I honestly thought it was over and was assuming I'd be single by the new year. We've recently (in the past week) decided to try and work things out.

Problem is we have been invited around to his parents (again) on Christmas day. We get invited every year and I hate it but this year I was rather excited at the prospect of not having to go.

However because DP and I are on dodgy ground and we're supposed to be trying to please each other right now, I kind of feel obliged but I really don't want to go. They have the most stupid, odd traditions like the bum slap dance and acorn throwing and it's just bloody ridiculous. I don't mind a bit of fun but this shit always goes too far, ends up with someone going off in a mood and makes me want to tear my own eyes out.

AIBU to tell DP I really don't want to go or will it jeapordise our relationship? Sad

OP posts:
cookingfat · 02/12/2011 11:25

Sounds a lot more fun than my pil.

But Yanbu.

Mandy2003 · 02/12/2011 11:26

"Are you there Moriarty?"

Good luck with whatever you choose to do OP!

Teeb · 02/12/2011 11:27

What would you actually like to be doing with your Christmas this year? Could you suggest that with DP?

MeconiumHappens · 02/12/2011 11:29

Oh, on a vaguely helpful note, i would book a holiday away somewhere over christmas to spend some time together. I dont think i could do xmas at their house, but if you HAVE to, i would tak the other posters advice and take the dog out for a very long walk, around the bumslpping card game time!

QuintessentialyFestive · 02/12/2011 11:30

You dont need to spend Chrstmas with them. You dont need to spend Christmas with either of them, ever again, if you just make the adult decision and call it quits with this husband of yours asap.

What a bunch of morons.

mummylin2495 · 02/12/2011 11:30

I would like precise instructions on how to do the slap bum dance is it a slap to the right ,a slap to the left a slap to the face then you shake it all about Grin

Anniegetyourgun · 02/12/2011 11:33

It's just a slap to the left
And then a slap to the ri-i-i--i-ight
Slap your hands on their hips
And pull their knees in tight...

Original poster
LittleEmanuel · 02/12/2011 11:34

I know it sounds funny but it's really stressing me out :( I know it's going to cause yet another argument and I don't know how to deal with it. He lost his dad recently too (mil is remarried) so is already stressing about family christmas time and how important it is. My family are away this christmas so I can't use that as an excuse. Can't take the dog for a walk for a number of reasons (it has a lot of illnesses and is impossible to control). Looks like I'm just going to have to go. The house is tiny though so it's impossible to sit away from all the madness. No room is safe, the kids even invaded the bathroom for the past 3 years running - water everywhere, toilet seat broken (again), curtains pulled down- lots of screaming from MIL - urgh Sad

OP posts:
MonaLotte · 02/12/2011 11:35

You should go upstairs and hide with DP's brother. He seems to have the right idea!

gramercy · 02/12/2011 11:35

Ha ha! This sounds hilarious. At least they sound cheerful .

Nevertheless, other people's family traditions are, not matter if they're the Royal Family or the Royle Family, absolutely awful . Our family used to enjoy playing games (murder in the dark/sardines/treasure hunts). My brother-in-law so detested playing these that one Christmas he got up and went to the airport after lunch. I don't think any planes were taking off and I don't know where he was going...

OP - don't dump your other half until you have gathered more material and photographic evidence of your pil's Christmas festivities!

WoTmania · 02/12/2011 11:37

Maybe agree to go this year but insist it's on the condition that next year you decide.

Clownsarescary · 02/12/2011 11:38

OP please tell me you're making this up. I'd rather have teeth pulled than be with people like that. If its all true I feel for you, I do. I think I'd end it rather than suffer it. Sad

Original poster
LittleEmanuel · 02/12/2011 11:39

See it's not just the danger of getting hurt that bothers me (acorn in the mouth, monolopy piece in the eye, flattened by a raging dog etc) but it's the essential needs that become difficult too. If the kids take over the bathroom again, I can't go to toilet (the rest of them do because they don't care about standing in puddles of water and jam the door shut with an old towel when the kids have pulled it off its hinges!). I just sit there getting more and more pissed off and needing a massive wee.

I would put up the celotape photo but it has the lad's face clearly in it!

OP posts:
omaoma · 02/12/2011 11:46

i don't see why you HAVE to go. by the sounds of it you have done what your partner wanted every year so far? doesn't that show that you care for him and he must know you don't like it but do it anyway. do you get your own way in every other aspect of the relationship?

i get that he wants to see his family because his dad had died. is there really no way he will compromise to staying somewhere near by and going over for a few hours on xmas day? (do you have any cash to allow for this?)

if he really won't even consider that i think you have a serious problem about power imbalance and /or compatibility in the relationship.

i wonder also this has become a bit of a 'prove you love me' issue for both of you, because things have been going badly. in that case, you need to address that asap and verbalise the problem because being miserable to 'prove' you love somebody (for either of you) is not a recipe for success.

TheRealMrsHannigan · 02/12/2011 11:54

Your FIL slaps your arse? He would be getting a slap round the face in return from me.

minipie · 02/12/2011 11:56

What does your DP think about these traditions/kids' behaviour? Does he enjoy them?

If he doesn't enjoy them then I think you are on better ground. Could you propose a compromise to him which is that you will go to his family for Christmas but the two of you will disappear for a long (2 hour) walk in the afternoon when all the boisterous games/fighting starts? or disappear to the kitchen to do the washing up together, or something like that?

If he enjoys them and thinks you are being too fussy then I think you are probably on different wavelengths altogether Sad

HattiFattner · 02/12/2011 12:00

They sound ike great fun, but I can see that if your relationship is really strained, then their weird ways will just annoy and irritate, because you will be projecting your anger and annoyance at DP at his family.

So....make sure the family know that after last year, you do not want any acorns thrown in your direction. Nor do you want anyone slapping your arse. Tell them you feel most uncomfortable with their bizarre family traditions, and while you dont want to spoil their fun, you do not wish to participate and could they please respect your wishes.

Have a code word with your DP whenever you feel he is not respecting your wishes or considering your feelings.

AFter lunch, grab your DP and your coat and insist that he accompany you for a walk. ANd no chidren. If DP doesn't go out for a stroll with you, then you have your answer. Likewise if he doesn't guard the loo when you need a wee.

Make sure you tell him this in advance.

Id also consider taking a boozy hipflask with you on your walk, so the return is more bearable!

TheRhubarb · 02/12/2011 12:02

DO NOT GO

It's honestly not worth it. You go every friggin' Christmas for crying out loud! If he wants to leave you over this trivial matter then let him, whilst you have a lovely Christmas and New Year chilling and watching TV.

springydaffs · 02/12/2011 12:04

I'm really sorry to be laughing so much but OP, your stories are hilarious! They sound like the Fockers.

I think you have to work out if there is anything malevolent in the way they behave. If not... then I think you have to be honest and say this just isn't your idea of fun, you don't enjoy it, it makes you (very) miserable, you dread it. If you do go this year, get a bit pissed and go with the flow - but, for future reference, make it clear that each to their own but this behaviour is odd and eccentric (at the very least) and you shouldn't be expected to go along with it every year. Are you expected to be there the whole day ? If so you could reach a compromise and stay only part of the day - he has to compromise too! He has to appreciate that not everyone is into that way of celebrating (understatement!) and you're not a killjoy to not like it. I'm a great one for games and having raucous fun but even I'd find this challenging.

YANBU

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 02/12/2011 12:12

Yes you have to think the bum slapping dance is just fil's way of copping a feel of your behind and any other dils. I would avoid this like the plague. I think if his family are at the root of a lot of your relationship problems you need to give them a wide birth. Both to stay married and stay sane.

Could you and DH stay at home on Xmas day and he could pop round for an hour on Xmas morning while you're far too busy cooking to go? ;)

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 02/12/2011 12:12

Yes you have to think the bum slapping dance is just fil's way of copping a feel of your behind and any other dils. I would avoid this like the plague. I think if his family are at the root of a lot of your relationship problems you need to give them a wide birth. Both to stay married and stay sane.

Could you and DH stay at home on Xmas day and he could pop round for an hour on Xmas morning while you're far too busy cooking to go? ;)

DeckTheHugeWithBoughsOfManatee · 02/12/2011 12:20

Do you have children? I can't make it out from your OP.

If not, I'd say walk away from this relationship now as it doesn't appear to me as though your and your DP's fundamental values are similar enough to make a long-term relationship viable.

It's possible to be precious and snobby about stupid and trivial things, such as whether someone says 'lounge' or 'settee'. But it's also possible to have different feelings about acceptable behaviour that can't be reasoned away as snobbery or being precious.

Objecting to a family setup that descends into food fights, shrieking, minor injuries and mayhem I think falls into the latter category. That's not snobbery, that's a different value system. In the long term, you and your DP will find this difference more and more divisive, and in the end it'll split you up.

If you've got children, then perhaps you need to consider more seriously, but if you don't yet I'd say spare yourselves (and any future DC) a load of heartache and stop trying to 'make a go of it' as it's unlikely to work.

senua · 02/12/2011 12:24

Which FIL does the bum-slap. Is it recently-deceased or MIL's DHnumber2?
Is DH#2 fully on board with this or is he aghast too (i.e. potential ally) Are there any other married-ins who feel the same as you?

wellthatsdoneit · 02/12/2011 12:25

Hell is other people's families.

It sounds excruciating OP and I really do feel for you. I'm willing to bet you get the occasional glance of unrepressed glee in your direction too from them which says "Isn't this MARVELLOUS!! Aren't we having the BEST FUN!!! Isn't our family just THE BEST!!!!" which will make you want to tear your tongue out as well as your eyeballs.

My H's uncle used to have a very merry jape at gatherings of ripping the tags out of people's pants - the ones you were wearing so there would be a resultant massive wedgie. He never did it to me. They thought I was odd/repressed/neurotic (and I fucking was by the end of my time with them) and I think he was too scared. My H is my soon-to-be-ex-H now by the way.

maras2 · 02/12/2011 12:34

Holy God.They sound like something from Viz.Are they Geordies by any chance.No disrespect intended but I keep picturing Biffa Bacon and family.