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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My SIL refuses to leave her children at my house for the weekend because of "strange men".

180 replies

TinyArmy · 01/12/2011 19:05

A little background, DH and I have a flatmate. He is an old old friend and is practically the third person in our relationship. He is like the third parent to my children and I trust him with their lives in a heartbeat. He was with us throughout the home study and took exclusive care of our first two DC when we traveled to Pakistan to adopt DD2. He is part of our family completely.

My DB and SIL are coming for holiday near us and plan to spend at least one weekend of the holiday doing couple things and rekindling their marriage. their DC (4 and 2) were supposed to stay with us for the weekend. SIL has changed her mind upon discovering that there might be situations where our flatmate would be left alone with the children. She has known him (through us) for almost five years. She knows how close our DC is with him. We'd already planned to have them for the weekend and had rearranged our plans. Both DH and I will be home all weekend as well. Our last house was a duplex and had a small studio apartment that our flatmate lived in right over us. We have since moved to a different house in which flatmate has his own bedroom but is in the main house with us. SIL says she is uncomfortable leaving children with us now because we have a "strange man" living in our house. FFS he is not a "strange man," she KNOWS him. He has been here since before our DC and will be here till he decides to move out. He is practically a father to our DC, they love him and he them. We have already changed our plans to accommodate them and now they're going back on it and (it seems to me) insulting our friend and his relationship with our DC in the process. AIBU to be offended or is she being unreasonable about our family setting?

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 01/12/2011 19:07

He's 'steange' to her, it's not a comment on what you do.

She gets to choose who she leaves her dc with, as do you.

squeakytoy · 01/12/2011 19:07

She has been reading the Daily Mail...

LaurieFairyCake · 01/12/2011 19:08

'strange'

verytellytubby · 01/12/2011 19:08

She sounds strange. Wondering if she's worried about leaving her kids and using him as a reason.

He sounds wonderful - I want him!

exoticfruits · 01/12/2011 19:10

That is her loss. I would just let them do their own thing.

Original poster
TinyArmy · 01/12/2011 19:11

Maybe I am being oversensitive, a lot of people find our situation to be weird.

I'm just confused because she has met him at family things loads of time. He even went on holiday with us to Canada (where DB and SIL live, we weren't staying with them) and she has seen him with our kids. He has been in our life for over 10 years!

OP posts:
NICEyNice · 01/12/2011 19:15

All 'strange' men are rapists or kiddie fiddlers. Especially since you have an unusual set up at home. Didn't you know?

YANBU.

Original poster
TinyArmy · 01/12/2011 19:18

I'm just a bit miffed because when we were in Canada we left our DC with their nanny. I think this is at least in part because flatmate is a man. Would she react the same if I said DH would be alone with her kids? I don't think so.

OP posts:
tigerlillyd02 · 01/12/2011 19:19

I understand you feeling a little upset, but at the same time I don't think they are being unreasonable.

They know you better, not your flatmate. They were willing to leave their children with you but upon discovering they might be left with him they decided not to. That seems perfectly reasonable to me. I wouldn't risk leaving my child with someone I know less well just based on the fact someone else says they're fine. Also, their children wouldn't be as close to your flatmate as your children are and they could be worried about leaving the children with someone they don't know well and upsetting them.

Whatmeworry · 01/12/2011 19:22

He is a male and therefore a peedo and rapist.If he is white he is also a racist amd sexist pig, if black a criminal. Everybody knows that.

And you are probably (worst of all) in a menage a trois and bohemians

oldenglishspangles · 01/12/2011 19:26

What Lauri said.

Backtobedlam · 01/12/2011 19:29

Don't be offended its not personal to you. There are some people (some are even my own/dp's friends) that for whatever reason I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my kids with. Maybe she is worried that having an extra 2 children in his care would be difficult for him? Either way, I wouldn't think on it too much. You made an offer, she's not comfortable with it, you can enjoy their company without having to mind the children.

G1nger · 01/12/2011 19:30

Am I the only person wondering if the three of you are lovers?

ThePathanKhansWitch · 01/12/2011 19:35

Maybe she just doesn't like him, and doesn't want him around her children.

Fair enough, her children.

HappyCamel · 01/12/2011 19:36

I'd say YABU because she doesnt want him left alone with the kids. That's her prerogative. If you were caring for them but he was there then that should be fine but you shouldn't be, for example, going out and leaving him to babysit.

I wouldn't let someone who had offered to babysit for me to subcontract. Quite apart from anything else I guess that would leave him on his own with 5 young kids which, unless he's a professional teacher/carer, sounds too much of a handful, especially as he wouldn't know 2 of them.

coronet · 01/12/2011 19:36

"SIL has changed her mind upon discovering that there might be situations where our flatmate would be left alone with the children."

Why would you offer to have her children and then leave them with someone else. You have told her that you/dh won't be looking after them the whole time and she is uncomfortable with that. They are very little and she probably wants to know they are with family.

smogwod · 01/12/2011 19:39

Perhaps by 'strange man' she meant strange to the children, as in they don't know him. I wouldn't be comfortable leaving my children, of a similar age, with even my best friend if they'd never met them before. Might just be an unfortunate choice of words?

alarkaspree · 01/12/2011 19:44

Maybe she thinks the children wouldn't like to be left with him, if they don't know him that well? There are not many people I would leave my ds with, not because I wouldn't trust them but because he's not comfortable with new people and is quite likely to get upset.

LydiaWickham · 01/12/2011 19:47

Well, I'd say YANBU - except you say you'd leave the DCs alone with him. She doesn't know him, it's not like she's leaving them with a nanny or a childcare professional, he's just your friend. I would assume she thought she was leaving the DCs with her DH's sister, that's different to "DH's Sister's mate". She doesn't know him that well, she knows of him. He's close to you, but if your DB and SIL live in another country, they probably haven't seen him that much, or seen him being in sole charge of your DCs to assess his abilities to care for them.

There is a huge difference between leaving your child with a) a childcare professional, b) a family member or c) a friend of a family member.

IReallyHateMyCat · 01/12/2011 19:48

Just because she has been around hi doesn't mean she would be comfortable with leaving her kids with him. Why should she be?

I wouldn't leave my baby with randoms (and while he may not be a "random" to you he is to her)- it's my prerogative.

LydiaWickham · 01/12/2011 19:48
IReallyHateMyCat · 01/12/2011 19:49

Oh and good point about him not being the same as a nanny. He isn't. And why would he be in charge of her kids if you're watching them?

SmilingHappyBeaver · 01/12/2011 19:51

YABU. You have an unusual set up which might be great for you but there's no reason to be offended that she won't leave her kids with a man she doesn't know well.

I wouldn't leave mine in that situation, and I wouldn't feel like I had to explain why either.

Why will he be on his own with them anyway?

lljkk · 01/12/2011 19:53

It's not personal.
It's not worth taking personally.
How much have you changed your plans in anticipation of their original weekend off their own kids? Has it really put you out that much?

Dozer · 01/12/2011 19:53

Yabu.