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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My SIL refuses to leave her children at my house for the weekend because of "strange men".

180 replies

TinyArmy · 01/12/2011 19:05

A little background, DH and I have a flatmate. He is an old old friend and is practically the third person in our relationship. He is like the third parent to my children and I trust him with their lives in a heartbeat. He was with us throughout the home study and took exclusive care of our first two DC when we traveled to Pakistan to adopt DD2. He is part of our family completely.

My DB and SIL are coming for holiday near us and plan to spend at least one weekend of the holiday doing couple things and rekindling their marriage. their DC (4 and 2) were supposed to stay with us for the weekend. SIL has changed her mind upon discovering that there might be situations where our flatmate would be left alone with the children. She has known him (through us) for almost five years. She knows how close our DC is with him. We'd already planned to have them for the weekend and had rearranged our plans. Both DH and I will be home all weekend as well. Our last house was a duplex and had a small studio apartment that our flatmate lived in right over us. We have since moved to a different house in which flatmate has his own bedroom but is in the main house with us. SIL says she is uncomfortable leaving children with us now because we have a "strange man" living in our house. FFS he is not a "strange man," she KNOWS him. He has been here since before our DC and will be here till he decides to move out. He is practically a father to our DC, they love him and he them. We have already changed our plans to accommodate them and now they're going back on it and (it seems to me) insulting our friend and his relationship with our DC in the process. AIBU to be offended or is she being unreasonable about our family setting?

OP posts:

lurkerspeaks · 02/12/2011 02:37

It is also about the SIL not trusting the OPs judgement wrt a man who the OP allows full and unfettered access to her children.

I'm assuming that as a caring parent the OP wouldn't just leave her children with anyone therefore the SILs refusal to trust her choices must rankle.

Catslikehats · 02/12/2011 03:09

Either your sil doesn't know this man well enough to leave her DC with him or she does know him well enough and has decided there is something she doesn't like/trust about him.

Either wasy she is not being unreasonable.

aubergineinautumn · 02/12/2011 08:37

Tbh I wouldn't leave my DC with a male non-relative either. Yes she is being extremely cautious but that is her call.

TroublesomeEx · 02/12/2011 08:44

It's up to you who you leave your children with.

It's up to them who they leave their children with.

HTH!

Original poster

TinyArmy · 02/12/2011 17:02

SIL doesn't know him as well as us but it's not like she has never met him. He was at our wedding and she was mean then ("I can't imagine wanting another person in our house after we were married."). He lived in our flat when our first two DC came home with us, and her and DB brought nephew to meet his new cousins ("Now that you're parents, isn't it time to grow out of the flatmate thing?"). DB has known him nearly as long as I have so I don't know why he isn't sticking up for me. She is often snide about my lifestyle and the choices we make for our DC ("Well, you're an artist. You think all sorts of silly things are acceptable.")

They're due to arrive in about two hours (DH and DFlatmate have taken the kids out to the playground for a bit so I can tidy the house. Am on MN instead . As of this morning DD1 simply refuses to listen when we say her cousins are only visiting for the afternoon and keeps saying "_ are going to sleep in my room!" I worry about the inevitable tantrum that will ensue when it is time for them to leave.

OP posts:

SardineQueen · 02/12/2011 17:21

So basically your SIL thinks you are a bunch of mad hippies who will probably be smoking bongs and having group tantric sex in front of the children the moment her back is turned.

Bottom line is she thinks you're all a bit odd. Her loss TBH. I think your set-up sounds fine and extremely handy

newbiedoobiedoo · 02/12/2011 17:23

But Tiny if that's how she feels then that's her perogative! Ok maybe she has been about snide with some of the comments BUT you say yourself that your set up is NOT the norm and surely you've come up against this opinion before???

It's not for her to judge your life as long as your children are well cared for. But you're taking this personally, it's not YOU she has a problem with it's a man that she doesn't know all that well and who is in no way related to her children.

I wouldn't do it, I really wouldn't. I'm sorry if that's neurotic or overprotective but I think a parent has the right to be overprotective of their kids if that's what they choose!

Original poster

TinyArmy · 02/12/2011 17:31

No, I've accepted I'm being U. It is totally her prerogative.

I'm just a little sad about how much my SIL seems to hate me and my lifestyle. I worry about my DC relationship with their cousins. They're going to be aware of this disapproval someday and I hope it doesn't affect the way they feel about me. DB is the only member of my family I get to see with any regularity, all the rest are in the UK or Pakistan. I just feel like she hates me and doesn't want her DC to play with mine. I'm a people pleaser by nature and I wanted really badly to accommodate them. DB seemed irritated on the phone earlier and I'm starting to feel like I've ruined their lovely getaway.

OP posts:

newbiedoobiedoo · 02/12/2011 17:38

Well now hang on a second, it's not like you suddenly sprung this on them! Your df has been a huge part of your life for so long, she KNEW he lived there. She may be entitled to make that decision but SHE is responsible for their getaway not you.

I put a bit of a ranty thread up a while ago about a SIL you quite obviously hates me...but she's a wagon so I don't see it as a reflection on me!

Her children will always know I love them and that they are always welcome here. If SIL keeps them away from me then I'm sure they will know it's her doing and not mine, and I'm sure her children will know the same!

Whatmeworry · 02/12/2011 18:52

DB seemed irritated on the phone earlier and I'm starting to feel like I've ruined their lovely getaway

He is grumpy because he now has kids and a righteous, grumpy wife for the dirty weekend and is BU as your home arrangement has been going on for ages

Sudaname · 02/12/2011 19:09

PSML at someone called JeremyKyle posting on this thread. Very apt

Hardgoing · 02/12/2011 19:14

Meeting him at a wedding and again when they met their cousins isn't getting to know him well enough to leave him with the children, even though SIL's throwing a whole dollop of moral indignation in there too.

MordechaiVanunu · 02/12/2011 19:14

TinyArmy, it sounds to me like your SIL is buying into the very prevalent idea that the more paranoid your parenting the better.

You must see danger everywhere be constantly vigilant and always taking every possible minute action to protect the children.

Someone with a more positive laid back approach, such a yourself it sounds, would presume 'the flatmate is a really good friend of my sis's, they known him a long time and really trust him with their kids, so I'm comfortable to presume he'll be OK with ours.'

The more paranoid/vigilant approach is 'I don't know him, he's a stranger to us therfore we must not take a risk.'

Your SIL is not wrong to think like this, many parents do now, as this thread shows, but also I don't think YABU to feel very hurt.

It is basically a judgement on you, your lifestyle and the decisions you make for your own kids.

Neiether of you are actually unreasonable, she can make the deciosns for her kids but it is hurtful to you.

You are just different.

But for what's it's worth, I'd rather be like you, and I think your kids sound like they are getting the much better deal and having a wonderful childhood.

CheerfulYank · 02/12/2011 19:17

I go with Mordechai ....neither of you are being unreasonable really.

cat64 · 02/12/2011 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BarryStar · 02/12/2011 19:27

You are def not BU in my book.

WilsonFrickett · 02/12/2011 19:28

it's up to her what she does with her children, and tbh it does sound like her judgement of the situation is more than a little bit tied up in her judgey-pants opinion of the OP. But it is her call I suppose... feel sorry for the DB though. Its not going to be much of a dirty weekend, is it?

Might be worth mentioning that the friend was assessed as part of the adoption process? But otherwise I think you have to let this one go OP. Its her loss, but I get that you feel sad about the possible impact it could have on the DCs.

Hardgoing · 02/12/2011 19:32

Actually, now I think about it, I would definitely not be letting anyone except the designated people look after my 2 and 4 year old (and by designated, I mean the family members I'd left them with). I agree with Cat64 that mentioning going out to the shops without them, or other activities, is a bit off, why use your flatmate as a childminder at those times when there's the two of you? If my children go to stay with my dad and his wife, I absolutely do expect them to be in sole care, and if they left them with a family friend for an hour while they popped to the shops, I would be extremely annoyed (especially as that would be four very small ones all left with one person who isn't anyone's parent, even if he is an uncle).

What I'm saying is that the role of a parent is a trusted one; you have built up that level of trust with your friend, but your DB and SIL haven't, and with small children, you do need that level of trust.

onmythirdglass · 02/12/2011 19:33

For what its worth, I know a family with an IDENTICAL setup to yours. I don't think its you though because I've known them for 15 years and the kids are all grown up now. And I can say they have the happiest best adjusted family I've ever seen. "Mr B" (the third leg of the tripod) is welcome to my home, my family, my dinner table any and every time. Whatever you do, don't let your SIL spoil this.
Honestly, the setup sounds weird until you've seen it. But it can wok (disclaimer: my home life is totally conservative and mainstream, but I don't care what other sane people do, and am happy to go with it).

Morloth · 02/12/2011 20:27

The set up isn't relevant.

As someone mentioned there is a thread running on the relationships board where people are talking about how they were left in the hands of predators because their parents didn't want to cause a fuss, or didn't want to hurt feelings, or thought he was a little strange but that he wouldn't touch their kids etc.

SIL has made a judgement call over her kid's safety.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 02/12/2011 20:36

No, the SIL is a bigoted mundane twat. And she's going to raise her DC as bigoted mundane twats if she's not careful.
The thing is. even if you were living as a triad it wouldn't make any one of you a danger to DC.

wafflingworrier · 02/12/2011 20:57

i know it seems alarmist and unfair of your SIL but she may have suffered abuse (1 in 3 uk women have) and so understandably is not comfortable with the situation.

Morloth · 02/12/2011 21:03

Doesn't matter if she is a bigoted mundane twat she still doesn't have to leave her kids with people she doesn't trust for any reason.

People are not seriously suggesting that we should leave our kids with someone despite any misgivings we might have about them to avoid adults hurt feelings or to show solidarity with alternative lifestyle choices? Fuck that.

I am a live and let live sort, I am not particularly tolerant but I am indifferent, I don't care what people get up to, but I do care where I leave my kids, OPs arrangements are her business, SILs childcare choices are hers.

She doesn't need a reason, just 'I don't want to' is enough.

ColonelBrandon · 02/12/2011 21:06

Actually, from your first post, I thought your SIL was looking for an excuse not to do the romantic stuff with DB to "rekindle their marriage". Refusing to leave the children alone, at any point, with a trusted flatmate who has looked after your own dcs well, is a convenient outraged excuse to hide behind. Your DB can hardly protest at the change in plans without now being accused of not caring about his dcs, whilst she can at the same time take a swipe at your slightly unconventional household set up.

Whatmeworry · 02/12/2011 21:06

SIL is buying into the very prevalent idea that the more paranoid your parenting the better.

Only the Paranoid survive :o

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