My SIL refuses to leave her children at my house for the weekend because of "strange men".

[TinyArmy]

A little background, DH and I have a flatmate. He is an old old friend and is practically the third person in our relationship. He is like the third parent to my children and I trust him with their lives in a heartbeat. He was with us throughout the home study and took exclusive care of our first two DC when we traveled to Pakistan to adopt DD2. He is part of our family completely.

My DB and SIL are coming for holiday near us and plan to spend at least one weekend of the holiday doing couple things and rekindling their marriage. their DC (4 and 2) were supposed to stay with us for the weekend. SIL has changed her mind upon discovering that there might be situations where our flatmate would be left alone with the children. She has known him (through us) for almost five years. She knows how close our DC is with him. We'd already planned to have them for the weekend and had rearranged our plans. Both DH and I will be home all weekend as well. Our last house was a duplex and had a small studio apartment that our flatmate lived in right over us. We have since moved to a different house in which flatmate has his own bedroom but is in the main house with us. SIL says she is uncomfortable leaving children with us now because we have a "strange man" living in our house. FFS he is not a "strange man," she KNOWS him. He has been here since before our DC and will be here till he decides to move out. He is practically a father to our DC, they love him and he them. We have already changed our plans to accommodate them and now they're going back on it and (it seems to me) insulting our friend and his relationship with our DC in the process. AIBU to be offended or is she being unreasonable about our family setting?

If he'd only be left with the children in the scenarios you've described, and you've tried to reassure your SIL about this, then I think she is being a bit unreasonable. I do know plenty of rather more paranoid than I mums who might behave like your SIL though.

He has changed their diapers, done night feeds, been to the doctor with them when sick, bandaged bruised knees, mediated tantrums, fixed their meals, coloured, played, bathed, dressed and loved them since the day they came home with us. He is as much their parent as me or DH even though they call him "uncle" and not "daddy". Our children have three caregivers (maybe shouldn't have used the word parent, but in this case I think it amounts to about the same thing). I can see how some people would find that odd but I don't see it as any different than having a nanny or grandparent live with you full time. He has worked in professional childcare through the church he used to attend. It feels like she is basically saying that my DC's beloved uncle isn't good enough to take care of them. I didn't give birth to my DC, they're still my children. My DH and our flatmate aren't biologically related to my children, either. It doesn't mean they don't love them and put their needs first at all times. My siblings and I were practically raised by my dad's sister who lived with us. It's not common but certainly not unheard of.

Ask her would she feel the same if frien was female?

if she says yes, then she's just being protective, and is being unreasonable

HOWEVER if the gender makes a difference, then she's a prat

None of that matters though, she doesn't trust him with them, that's it, we don't need to leave our kids with people we don't trust just to soothe hurt feelings.

Do her children know your friend as well as you do? If yes then YANBU.

If no then YABU.

By the sounds of it he is "strange" in that he's a stranger to her children. I wouldn't leave my children with someone who was a stranger to them purely because they wouldn't like it.

Why on earth are you planning on leaving them with him when you said you'd be looking after them anyway?

I reserve the right to not give someone unfettered access to my child, no matter who may think i am being unreasonable.

I can decide someone is not deserving of my trust on the flimsiest of premises. I have fared far better as an adult with this attitude than i did as a child of parents who didnot feel the same, and thats MORE than good enough for me.

My child, my choice and anyone who objects can shove it basically.

Perhaps your sil feels the same.

Tbh I wouldn't leave my children with you in this situation. I fully acknowledge I have hang ups though - so maybe she has reasons?

Blimey, where can I get one of these friends?

I would quite like on also, but preferably a woman, would like a wife.

I agree with JeremyVile

This is going to be a bit gushy, but TinyArmy your post at 21:27 made me cry

I think it's amazing that a) you have both made your friend such a massive part of your family and b) that he clearly loves and cares for your children so much

If your SIL doesn't want to enjoy her weekend with her DP whilst all three of you look after their kids (it doesn't sound to me at all that you are "leaving" the kids with your friend anyway) then it's her problem, not yours, and you shouldn't feel bad about it in the slightest.

Your friend and yours and your DH's/DC's relationship with him sounds wonderful to me.

Her kids don't know him too well, right? Maybe she's just overprotective.

Erm, just wondering but your DC's obviously are very close to their uncle and he is like a 3rd parent. What happens when he wants to move out or actually gets into a relationship? Won't they be as upset as if you or your DH moved out? Nothing to do with your OP, I'm just curious!

I too would like a wife if she's as good as your other husband.

Gosh, I'm quite envious of your situation. How wonderful that your DCs have 3 people who love them so very much.

If my dsis lived in your set up and assuming I felt comfortable with the individual I would leave my DCs with her.

Not so sure I would trust my dsils judgement quite so much.

So really can't give any opinion. Sorry.

YABU I wouldn't either.

I too agree with Jeremy, well said!

OP:
pop over to 'relationships' there is a thread going on with a lot of posters who had parents that didnt trust their instincts, which is all your sis in law is doing. Like jeremy none of them are better off for it.

Is it being over protective? Possibly but she is unlikely to have any real regrets over it

Her kids , her choice

simple.

Your situation sounds really strange and wonderful, you're lucky. And your SIL is being a manipulative twit in implying that your domestic arrangements are not good enough for her offspring. Would she object if this man were a male au pair? Instead he's a real grown-up.

Manipulative? Really?!

You have no idea of your SIL's experiences and history.

It's quite possible that she has had experiences which make her not want to leave her children with a man she and they do not know very well. This is not a character flaw on her part.

YABU.

I'm surprised how many people disagree with the SIL, and how mocking some have been. Previous threads from people in your SIL's position generally get unanimous back-up.

Neither of my sisters has children, so they have no child-care set ups of their own which makes it hard to put myself in this position. Irrespective of the deep personal relationship your friend has I'd be inclined to say no CRB check; no unsupervised care of my child.

Agree with Smellslike - your SIL might consider any non-family member as suspect but if she is against her DC being in the house with your flatmate simply because he is male, then she is predjudiced and BU. I can understand your being hurt by this as your SIL is not trusting your judgement. It's not as though your flatmate has just wandered in off the street.