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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My SIL refuses to leave her children at my house for the weekend because of "strange men".

180 replies

TinyArmy · 01/12/2011 19:05

A little background, DH and I have a flatmate. He is an old old friend and is practically the third person in our relationship. He is like the third parent to my children and I trust him with their lives in a heartbeat. He was with us throughout the home study and took exclusive care of our first two DC when we traveled to Pakistan to adopt DD2. He is part of our family completely.

My DB and SIL are coming for holiday near us and plan to spend at least one weekend of the holiday doing couple things and rekindling their marriage. their DC (4 and 2) were supposed to stay with us for the weekend. SIL has changed her mind upon discovering that there might be situations where our flatmate would be left alone with the children. She has known him (through us) for almost five years. She knows how close our DC is with him. We'd already planned to have them for the weekend and had rearranged our plans. Both DH and I will be home all weekend as well. Our last house was a duplex and had a small studio apartment that our flatmate lived in right over us. We have since moved to a different house in which flatmate has his own bedroom but is in the main house with us. SIL says she is uncomfortable leaving children with us now because we have a "strange man" living in our house. FFS he is not a "strange man," she KNOWS him. He has been here since before our DC and will be here till he decides to move out. He is practically a father to our DC, they love him and he them. We have already changed our plans to accommodate them and now they're going back on it and (it seems to me) insulting our friend and his relationship with our DC in the process. AIBU to be offended or is she being unreasonable about our family setting?

OP posts:

Pagwatch · 02/12/2011 21:10

I think people are being harsh.

I am not the slightest bit the slightest bit hysterical about pedophiles.

But a very close trusted personal contact with unfettered access to children, living in the house and with a position of trust with the children would bother me.
Because that was exactly the person who abused me.
All the acute intimacy of a parent, and almost a subrogated parental role, but without being the parent, would make me uncomfortable.

I am sure it is not wholly logical. But it would bother me. I am not sure that makes me vie or hysterical and given the tense relationship between the sil and the op I doubt the sill would have discussed any private reason for concern

belgo · 02/12/2011 21:27

YABU. Totally your sil's prerogative and I would probably do exactly they same.

Original poster

TinyArmy · 02/12/2011 21:50

I was abused by an older cousin for years and years and I'm so sorry that happened to you Pagwatch. It's so difficult to know for sure if someone is going to be safe for your child to be around. I don't know what I would do if I found out DH or DFl were abusing any of my children. My whole world would collapse. But I DO trust them. I understand if other people don't.

I know people who have been abused by their own parents, I have a male friend who was abused by his mother for years and another who was abused by a female babysitter. I don't believe only men are abusers and I try to do the best for my children in terms of getting to know the people who are going to be watching them but I'm not going to balk at every person who is going to be in my DC's presence.

I know I am a oversensitive. I tend to take things too personally, especially with the SIL in question. Thanks all of you for your perspective and not judging me as some crazy who lives in a nonstop orgy and thrusts her DC into the hands of every passing pedo. You really put the situation into perspective.

DB and SIL left a little over an hour ago and there were tantrums all around. Just explained over and over again that niece and nephew were going on a lovely holiday with their parents and that's why they couldn't stay. Am giving the extra petting zoo passes to a lovely couple and their DD. Decided to forego my own ticket so both mums could go to the zoo. I've been a little down lately (contributes to the oversensitivity) and I think I need a day to myself.

OP posts:

SolidGoldVampireBat · 02/12/2011 21:55

But there isn't the slightest suggestion that the OP's friend is a peedafil. The SIL has form for making snide comments about the OP's domestic arrangements, so it's no wonder the OP is upset.

Though TBH, as someone else said, it is actually quite possible that the SIL is looking for excuses to avoid 'couple time' and has decided to use the mundane standby of 'Unconventional person - must be a threat'.

Morloth · 02/12/2011 22:01

No the OP hasn't presented us with the slightest suggestion, that is probably because there isn't one.

But this is SILs call, there only needs to be a niggle in her mind to make it the right thing for her to not leave the kids.

It would be inexcusable for SIL to leave her kids with someone she had doubts about, just totally wrong.

I don't leave my kids with people I don't trust, yes at some point my trust may be misplaced, but that still doesn't mean I should just leave my kids to make other people happy if I have doubts about the situation.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 02/12/2011 23:31

Hmm. How about if some hypothetical SIL was worried about leaving her DC in a house where there was a person of a different ethnic group? Just because it made her feel a bit uncomfortable, you know, these funny foreigners, might suddenly take it upon themselves to eat the DC or something... Or just if the SIL was whining about leaving the DC in case the host family's mother or father or brother might cross the threshold at some point?
It seems like the only reason the mundanes are frothing is because the OP's friend is someone who can't be given a convenient mundane label or either blood relative or sexual partner, therefore he must be dangerous.

CheerfulYank · 02/12/2011 23:38

I don't know, maybe he just gives her a weird vibe. Situations/people have given me an odd feeling for no reason at all, and no matter how many times I told myself it was nuts, I still didn't leave DS there.

Indaba · 02/12/2011 23:39

Is there a chance you may be reading too much in to this?

Is it that she just doesn't want to leave her kids with a non-family member cos they may be a bit s**t looking after her young kids/or just not interested. Not cos of gender, just cos of inexperience?

I'm female but before I had kids I wouldn't have left me with a 2 and 4 year old because I was irresponsible/no idea what to do. Nothing to do with blood lines, nor sex, nor sexuality....just an experience issue.

Don't flame me.....just asking.

Morloth · 03/12/2011 01:43

Nope still doesn't matter to me what her reason is, they are her kids and she gets to decide where they stay.

Now do I think she is a twonk for making comments to the OP because of her setup? Yes. Would I think she was a racist idiot for not wanting to leave her kids with a 'foreigner', yep. But she is still absolutely within her rights as a parent to make the decision. She should keep her trap shut if her views are offensive.

When it comes to my kids safety or even experiences then I will make the call and I won't be pressured into doing something that feels dodgy just to appease someones feelings.

Don't care if it hysterical or mundane, they are my children and I will decide.

iscream · 03/12/2011 02:51

I didn't see a reply to this post, which offers the obvious solution!
LydiaWickham :Well, then surely it would be relatively easy for you to assure her that your housemate wouldn't be left in sole charge of the DCs that weekend? That your DH or you will be with them/in the house at all times? You could easily send flatmate to the shops, or just your DH...

You know you do not need a third person there to watch the kids while you use the loo or run down to the shop. That may be what you are used to doing, but what about all of the couples who manage a week end alone with their kids? or single parents? Do you think they do not use the toilet, shower, or go out?

You easily could have committed to only your dh and yourself caring for the kids for one week end. Easily. If this is a problem, then you do really need to have a long look at your parenting skills and priorities. Your brother and his wife should have had that week-end, and you reneged on your promise to them, simply because you feel in adequate to care for some kids with only 2 people for a week end.

Sorry if that seems harsh, but it is reality.

AKissIsNotAContract · 03/12/2011 07:06

I agree with the others in thinking that she doesn't want a romantic weekend with your DB and is using this as an excuse. If she's always known about your set up it wouldn't suddenly become an issue a few days before they were due to go.

nooka · 03/12/2011 07:27

I agree, I don't understand why she ever said yes to this idea to be honest. It sounds as if she's been uncomfortable with your set up for some time. Perhaps she rationalised it to herself that your friend was really just a lodger, and then got cold feet and asked more questions and then freaked a bit when she took on board that you really do parent as a group of three rather than as a couple.

Finallygotaroundtoit · 03/12/2011 07:52

Has anyone already asked if he's called Joey?

Their dc, their choice

newbiedoobiedoo · 03/12/2011 11:57

SolidGold you seem to be quite brutal about SIL being 'mundane'! Surely it's up to her where she lives her children and with whom!

roses2 · 03/12/2011 12:13

Why will there be situations where the kids will be alone with him?

microserf · 03/12/2011 12:32

I think you're being oversensitive. I'd do the same as your SIL if placed in the same situation. You know him really well, she doesn't. She makes the choices for her kids, just as you do for yours. I don't think it's personal.

LydiaWickham · 03/12/2011 13:33

I don't see that it follows that the SIL doesn't want a romantic weekend with her DH, more that there's a massive difference between leaving your DCs with your DH's sister (who while you don't know very well personally, you know your DH trusts) and someone neither of you or your DH knows very well and isn't a childcare professional.

As much as I'd love a romantic weekend away with DH, I'd not consider it by just leaving DS with someone I didn't know, regardless of if my SIL knew them well. That's no way to relax.

If you offer to mind someone else's child, you should be the one to mind them not someone else. Most people would be ok with your DH be left in charge for a bit, but not someone else.

If you are going to maintain a family structure that's rather unusual, you do need to toughen up a bit to other people's reactions. This is going to be common place response. Honestly, when your DCs get to school, you will have to deal with the school gate assumption you're in a threesome, or that there's something 'wrong with him' that he's never had a long term relationship but is living with you as a 3rd parent. Perhaps this will start a few conversations amongst the 3 of you as to how you'll deal with this in the future, because comments are going to become more commonplace, not less.

HildaOgden · 03/12/2011 13:45

I personally don't think that your sil's real issue is the presence of your family friend.

I think she's just trying to avoid being alone with your brother for sexytime quality time alone.And now that time is running out for her to avoid that,she is using your living arrangements as a convienient excuse.

coraltoes · 03/12/2011 14:01

I am confused I thought you were looking after the kids, not the friend...isn't that what the agreement had been?! No way in flaming hell would I leave my kids with someone who is a stranger to them, and not familiar to me...no bloody way! Especially not when I thought they were being cared for by family. Surely you can take the time to babysit for the weekend and not leave it to this friend.

If your dc are disappointed it is also down to you, you know, you could have said ok I won't leave them with him at all, I will be here the whole time.

coraltoes · 03/12/2011 14:05

I also think you have selfishly ruined their weekend together. Very sad.

Proudnscary · 03/12/2011 14:13

a) there is something weird about all of this
b) I still agree with Morloth and others - her kids, her choice
c) Pagwatch is absolutely, chillingly spot on.
c) Actually Pag's post is sort of tied into a)

SardineQueen · 03/12/2011 16:55

The suggestion that the SIL doesn't want to leave the children with this man as she feels there is something not right about him is an awful thing to say. As it quite clearly suggests that the OP is leaving her children regularly with a man who has something off about him.

I would trust the judgement of the people who know this man really really well, over someone who has only met him a couple of times. To imply that the SIL has put her finger on something is just really out of order to the OP.

newbiedoobiedoo · 04/12/2011 16:27

SardineQueen I don't think people are saying that SIL has discovered anything off with this man, more that there could be if that makes sense?

You don't really have a choice but to trust family with your children as long as nobody gives you a reason not to, it comes with the territory. But SIL or anyone else is perfectly within her rights to say no way to trusting someone she doesn't know. My sisters know a lot of people I've never bet, you can bet your arse I wouldn't be shipping my kids off to stay with them!

But, as I said further up, I don't think the OP is to blame, just as I don't think SIL is to blame for not leaving her children there.

Also, lydiawickham makes an excellent point! In usual situations you are going to have all sorts of comments, gossip and conjecture and OP and her partner and friend AND children are going to have to learn to live with that!

JamieComeHome · 04/12/2011 16:36

If she knows him as well as you say, and she does not want him in sole care, then she has a basis on which to judge whether she feels comfortable leaving him in sole care. What you or I think is irrelevant

JamieComeHome · 04/12/2011 16:40

And if she doesn't know him well enough, then that's also a reason not to leave the children with him

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