My SIL refuses to leave her children at my house for the weekend because of "strange men".

[TinyArmy]

A little background, DH and I have a flatmate. He is an old old friend and is practically the third person in our relationship. He is like the third parent to my children and I trust him with their lives in a heartbeat. He was with us throughout the home study and took exclusive care of our first two DC when we traveled to Pakistan to adopt DD2. He is part of our family completely.

My DB and SIL are coming for holiday near us and plan to spend at least one weekend of the holiday doing couple things and rekindling their marriage. their DC (4 and 2) were supposed to stay with us for the weekend. SIL has changed her mind upon discovering that there might be situations where our flatmate would be left alone with the children. She has known him (through us) for almost five years. She knows how close our DC is with him. We'd already planned to have them for the weekend and had rearranged our plans. Both DH and I will be home all weekend as well. Our last house was a duplex and had a small studio apartment that our flatmate lived in right over us. We have since moved to a different house in which flatmate has his own bedroom but is in the main house with us. SIL says she is uncomfortable leaving children with us now because we have a "strange man" living in our house. FFS he is not a "strange man," she KNOWS him. He has been here since before our DC and will be here till he decides to move out. He is practically a father to our DC, they love him and he them. We have already changed our plans to accommodate them and now they're going back on it and (it seems to me) insulting our friend and his relationship with our DC in the process. AIBU to be offended or is she being unreasonable about our family setting?

I have some sympathy with the SiL. My main worry wouldn't be "is he going to sexually abuse my children?", more "Is he capable of looking after five young children on his own, especially when he has no personal connection to two of them?" One of the SiL's children is two. Two year olds are really hard work. A two year old plus four other children is beyond demanding.

But then, in the SiL's position I wouldn't think of asking a relative with three children of her own to look after my two young children in the first place.

Good point hackmum.

I'm very picky about who gets the privilege of my delightful, precious toddler offspring the responsibility of caring for them. Most of the people I know, that I wouldn't leave my children with, are in heteronormative relationships. I suppose I must therefore be prejudiced against the heteronormative lifestyle.

It couldn't be that I don't feel that I or my children don't know them well enough as people, could it? For the record, none of the people, whom I've failed to grant the honour of childcare to, were denied it because of "peedo" fears.

It's probably less to do with what he is, or isn't capable of, more that he won't know her kids very well, and more importantly, they won't know him.

My own viewpoint is only partly to do with risk of abuse. It's the simple fact that when someone is babysitting your children, then you expect them to be babysitting the children - not their mother, their neighbour, or their friend, of either sex.

I can see it's hurtful to the OP because she know and trusts her flatmate, but the SIL doesn't know him well enough, or, knowing him, doesn't trust him enough.

I can also think of plenty of people of both sexes - that I would not want to leave my children with, because I feel them to be untrustworthy or because I don't know them well enough.

The SIL may be unduly prejudiced, but SGB, it doesn't follow from that that everyone is, or that we are. You undermine yourself by your attacking stance.