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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My SIL refuses to leave her children at my house for the weekend because of "strange men".

180 replies

TinyArmy · 01/12/2011 19:05

A little background, DH and I have a flatmate. He is an old old friend and is practically the third person in our relationship. He is like the third parent to my children and I trust him with their lives in a heartbeat. He was with us throughout the home study and took exclusive care of our first two DC when we traveled to Pakistan to adopt DD2. He is part of our family completely.

My DB and SIL are coming for holiday near us and plan to spend at least one weekend of the holiday doing couple things and rekindling their marriage. their DC (4 and 2) were supposed to stay with us for the weekend. SIL has changed her mind upon discovering that there might be situations where our flatmate would be left alone with the children. She has known him (through us) for almost five years. She knows how close our DC is with him. We'd already planned to have them for the weekend and had rearranged our plans. Both DH and I will be home all weekend as well. Our last house was a duplex and had a small studio apartment that our flatmate lived in right over us. We have since moved to a different house in which flatmate has his own bedroom but is in the main house with us. SIL says she is uncomfortable leaving children with us now because we have a "strange man" living in our house. FFS he is not a "strange man," she KNOWS him. He has been here since before our DC and will be here till he decides to move out. He is practically a father to our DC, they love him and he them. We have already changed our plans to accommodate them and now they're going back on it and (it seems to me) insulting our friend and his relationship with our DC in the process. AIBU to be offended or is she being unreasonable about our family setting?

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 01/12/2011 19:53

you like him but maybe they don't. I think it is not quite the same as you leaving your dc with their nanny. A nanny is a childcare professional , so that always feels a bit different to just leaving your dc with the firend of a friend. I wouldn't get worked up about it, it's their dc, so they have to feel comfortable with the arrangements. You offered and they turned it down, it is ok, these things happen.

ZZZenAgain · 01/12/2011 19:54

sh sorry ,should have read the thread, all been said beforehand!

Original poster
TinyArmy · 01/12/2011 19:57

No, we're not lovers but flatmate and I do run a webdesign firm together. When we got married we just didn't see much point in asking him to move out and when we decided to have kids we discussed it and he said he wanted to be there for us and our family. He has had a bunch of short, failed relationships and doesn't think he's one of those dating, marriage kind of people but has always wanted kids. His help has been invaluable. I see I really am BU, here. I've always had a hard time with this SIL and I think I'm just being tetchy. They're just due to arrive on Friday and we're all prepared, her backing out is a little last minute. Flatmate would be alone with kids say if we had to go to the grocery (not taking 5 really little kids to a supermarket, that would be mad). DH and I need to spend at least a few hours in the study working at things (we both more or less work from home), we'd just be in a different room of the house for a couple of hours. The kids were supposed to stay with us from Saturday through Monday. DB seems a little mad about having to take the kids along on their romantic weekend but SIL is adamant.

OP posts:
LucyGoose · 01/12/2011 19:59

Is your flat mate much older than you and your husband? I dunno, maybe I just have never had a male friend I wanted around after I got married, but you have to see it from her point too. She doesn't actually know this man very well.

Trills · 01/12/2011 20:00

So now you're not going to be unpaid babysitters.

This is a problem because?

LydiaWickham · 01/12/2011 20:01

Well, then surely it would be relatively easy for you to assure her that your housemate wouldn't be left in sole charge of the DCs that weekend? That your DH or you will be with them/in the house at all times? You could easily send flatmate to the shops, or just your DH...

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 01/12/2011 20:01

YANBU and she's being ridiculous.
If you and your DH were planning to go off with her and her DH for the weekend, she'd have a point, because her DCs don't know your flatmate.
But you and DH will be around all the time!

Rhinestone · 01/12/2011 20:04

Tbh, I find your situation a bit strange and I wouldn't leave my kids with him either.

LydiaWickham · 01/12/2011 20:06

She probably does think you're all shagging and is getting herself all in a tis about this 'alternative lifestyle' of her SIL...

BrianAndHisBalls · 01/12/2011 20:07

YABU - You know him but she doesn't. How come this has changed at last minute though, she must have known he lived there before?

Morloth · 01/12/2011 20:10

Maybe she doesn't like him.

Doesn't matter what her reasons are, they are her kids and she gets to decide who they are cared for.

It is a bit odd to say you would have them for the weekend but then want to leave them with someone else. If you are too busy to have them then you should have said so at the beginning.

Just because you were happy to leave your kids with her nanny doesn't mean she is obligated to leave hers with your flatmate.

Original poster
TinyArmy · 01/12/2011 20:11

Our DC were just really excited about having their cousins to stay. I am more mad about having to disappoint them. I didn't take on a new (paid) project because they were supposed to be visiting and DH has had some deadlines shifted around. Not a HUGE inconvenience but one we wish we could have avoided. Also, I didn't say they would be left unsupervised, she assumed because flatmate lives in our house now instead of in the studio above and I couldn't say he absolutely wouldn't be left with them for no time at all because what if something sudden comes up that means I or DH have to leave the house. We also need to shower/ use the loo at some point. I've tried to reassure her, and I do see where she is coming from. It's just very last minute and the way she put it seemed rude to me.

OP posts:
Whatmeworry · 01/12/2011 20:12

Ring DB and tell him you think SIL is a twat. He will agree with you and be grumpy with her all romantic weekend.

Then drink champagne and have a 3-sum all weekend (cos we know you are really, you know :o )

Sorted.

ExquisiteChristmasCake · 01/12/2011 20:18

I can't say I'd leave my children with my sister if she had an odd set up with a third person "practically in their relationship".

Then again I don't let anyone look after my children as I'm too neurotic.

If you were DYING to see your niece/nephew you could indeed take them out for the weekend or kindly tell your lodger the situation and see if he can make himself scarce for the day or evening.

MixedClassBaby · 01/12/2011 20:33

YANBU and I don't think there's anything 'strange' about your household. It works for you, you trust each other and you're all happy so where's the problem? I think that your SIL is being narrow minded. Perhaps it's nothing to do with your friend, maybe she'd just rather not have too long alone with her DP without her DCs but that's more difficult for her to say.

gallicgirl · 01/12/2011 20:36

When you say he might be alone with the children, is it a case of you'd be somewhere else in the house cooking dinner for example, while he looks after them? Or maybe nipping to the shop for 10 minutes?

Or would he have sole care for an afternoon or more?

I think your SIL is a little bit unreasonable to leave her objections to the last minute given that she knows him already.

sweetsantababy · 01/12/2011 20:40

YABU. I wouldn't let my children stay in this situation either. You know him, trust him, love him. SIL doesn't really BTS of it.

It seems a strange set up to me. knew someone else who had this situation.

ChristinedePizanne · 01/12/2011 20:47

Your SIL is being a bit paranoid IMO and I would also be offended because she's implying you leave your DC with a man who is not to be trusted

sweetsantababy · 01/12/2011 20:52

But would you trust someone else to make a trust descion about your children cos I wouldn't. PIL sent my DDs out for a walk with a man they knew, lets just say they didn't do it twice. Grin

Original poster
TinyArmy · 01/12/2011 21:01

Basically I'd leave them with him in a situation like gallicgirl described. I've taken the whole weekend off, I want to spend time with my niece and nephew, too but nobody spends every single moment in the company of their DC. I certainly wasn't ever planning to leave him with them for a whole day without me or DH. We had activities planned, as well. We were going to go to the petting zoo (they have a special reindeer pen for the season and the DC are all excited). I already got a special day pass and now they're only popping in for one afternoon. DD1 keeps asking why they aren't staying as if it's my fault.

ChristinedePizanne That's a bit what is sounded, like yeah. She has previously gotten on me about hiring a "proper nanny". My kids don't need a nanny, they already have three parents. He's an emergency contact on all their medical forms and at the play center they go to.

OP posts:
Original poster
TinyArmy · 01/12/2011 21:09

Also flatmate's feelings are a really hurt because of this situation. He feels like people often cast doubts over his ability to take care of the DC because he isn't their father. DH and I aren't their biological parents either and nobody thinks we're incapable of watching them. He does a lot for our family and I think it's a bit insulting to him, TBH. He was vetted as part of the homestudy.

OP posts:
sweetsantababy · 01/12/2011 21:13

Its a shame that your flatmate's feelings are hurt Sad, however final descion is with SIL who I agree with. Can you see why others might find it odd?

BrianAndHisBalls · 01/12/2011 21:15

Why have they got 3 parents? I thought he was a friend Confused

Morloth · 01/12/2011 21:17

Shrug, your flatmate's feelings are not her problem.

The only thing she has done wrong here is left it to the last minute, but I guess she didn't realise he was as part of the childcare plan as he is.

Whatever your arrangements are, they are your business but she doesn't need to involve her kids in it if she doesn't want to.

Have you asked her straight up what her issue is with him?

Not much point going on a romantic weekend away if you are going to spend the whole time worrying, whether that worry is justified or not.

Morloth · 01/12/2011 21:21

I am not too keen on my sister's partner. I think he is a homophobic, racist twat and I have no idea why my sister is with him (especially as we are mixed race).

But she loves him and it is her house, his presence means that any reciprocal overnight childcare (nephew is often here) isn't going to happen.

She probably doesn't like this, but they are my kids and it is my call.