To be suspicious about a kindle??

[kindlefinder]

I have just discovered a new kindle in DH's car boot hidden under a pile of work stuff. Obviously only recently ordered. Presumably a present.

I have one. DSs are little.

AIBU to be suspicious and start wondering who he can have bought it for. Have I been on mumsnet for too long!?!

When we were there for the birthday tea DH's dad asked me about my kindle. He said he'd seen them on the amazon homepage. Cue DH immediately thinking "I must buy DF a kindle even though we're saving like mad in case we have to live on one income after christmas and even though I've already annoyed kindlefinder by whipping out bottle of Moet that I sneakily put into the car boot when she wasn't looking".

We have a difficult relationship when it comes to DH's father. He has had prostate cancer for the past seven years and quite understandably DH wants to spend as much time with him as possible - but that then turns into him laying a guilt trip on me anytime I dare to question the amount of money we spend on him.

Right...errrr...'phew'...

OP, I can see the factor of FIL's cancer would complicate things. Tricky. But-the bottom line is you had an agreement with DH about spending, and he broke it. If the agreed limit was £15, he broke it quite spectacularly since the new Kindles cost £89 and doesn't even include a charger!

And he knew he was doing something sneaky by having the present sent to his work and hidden in the car boot. Not a great basis for a trusting relationship.

Perhaps you could broach in terms of not questioning the amount of money so much as an issue of trust, which he has breached enough to even make you wonder if he's having an affair!

I think you are being abit mean TBH. It's his and i know you said about your money worries but i think it's nice that he wants to make his dad so happy with a nice gift.

Hmm, tricky. I'd be massively pissed off about the expense (doesn't include a charger? WTF? ) and most importantly the blatant deceit and lack of respect that shows.

Is the kindle definitely going to be well received anyway? It sounds like it was the first time he'd mentioned it, so a bit of a whim... Not something he's yearned for for ages

I am more at the using the prostate cancer as an excuse. Seven years is a long time to be hanging this on.
I thought, and I am prepared to be corrected, that you had the tumor excised then possibly had chemo/radiotherapy.

I know that, which is why I said I was prepared to be corrected. It just, to me at least, seems (I want to write selfish or indulgent) odd.

What do you mean doesn't include a charger? If it has a connector to the computer but not one you plug into a wall then that's not really a big deal, you can get a USB-to-plug thingy for a couple f pounds

It doesn't matter if his dad has cancer, if you are saving up then big expenditures should be discussed and not hidden in the boot of the car to make you think he has a book-loving mistress.

Have you told him what you thought?

maybe he does feel guilty?
about his dad being sick.
maybe he feels that he's never spend enough time with him, and and is clocking up "favours" before it's too late.
I think that's how I'd feel if my dad got sick like that.

nickelbabe I undretand entirely about him wanting to spend time with his dad and also to an extent about wanting to spend money on him which is why most of the time I bite my tongue. This was about whether he had a floozy tucked away somewhere (with an ebook!)

floozies fon't like reading

(but my reply was mainly to kreecher on that point, don't worry :) )

Wish I lived in kreecher's world, where cancer is so easily dealt with.

My grandfather lived with prostate cancer for ten years before it killed him (they thought he would die with it, as shineon says, as he was 85 when diagnosed but it got him in the end). My mother and sister lived with cancer for four and three years respectively before it killed them. That's what happens when treatment doesn't work, just holds it at bay for a while.

My dad died of carcinomatosis which had started in his prostate. My mum died of cancer within a month of her dx.

It is terrifying when a much loved parent gets a dx of cancer and what you want to do is give them absolutely anythingnthat you possibly can to make their lives better, more fun, more interesting whatever. If mum had expressed an interest in a Kindle she'd have got one, a solid gold Rolls would have caused problems but luckily she wasn't that type. I definitely wouldn't have balked at the idea od spending £100 or so on something, I would have thought, well, how many holidays/whatever do we have ahead of us, we can manage on a lesser one or even none at all for the moment.

I had little control over the utter desperation I felt to make her last days better and it took over all my emotions and thoughts.

I do realise that the situation is not quite the same, but we didn't know how long she had to live, either. We just knew that her days were definitely numbered. I have no idea how long this state of desperate would have continued because mum died v soon; probably it would have calmed down after a time, but I'm also pretty sure that things would have brought it back to the surface - birthdays and Xmas definitely, but little things too, like she might be looking more tired one day, or be weaker or something.

I would talk to dh first (mostly) but I think I would have been very bullish about it and he would have had to agree whether he did or not, iyswim.

OP, your dh should have spoken to you first, but I suspect he would have got it anyway. There is some over-riding imperative forcing your actions which is very very hard to resist, and mostly you are unaware of it and pretty helpless when in it's grip.

It is possible that seeing his dad on his birthday brought it back into play (how many more birthdays will my dad have? He doesn't look/seem well, he looks tired or old etc etc etc all act as prompts for the remembrance that he has had cancer and will not be here forever and he is my dad).

I do understand how peed off you must feel about the expense and the subterfuge, though. I hope that my post might have some relevance to your dh's feelings and go some way to showing how he might have been feeling and what prompted his actions.

Yes, shineon, simple isn't it?

Sorry about your dad

I seem to have completely derailed the OPs thread. My experience is of my MiL. She had a stroke, then another, then another. She manipulated the whole family and wasn't above asking for 'things'.
My DH bought me a ring, she sulked for about two weeks.

Both went quickly, shineon, dad in less than 6 months. In both cases "it was a mercy". Dad's deterioration was horrific as the tumours spread to his brain and he was so intellectual and cerebral, so that was ghastly. Mum just got a bit weak and then one evening found breathing a bit had and then died.