to get the woman to remove her shoes or is she BU by being rude?

[teddiegoestopeckham]

my BIL came over today with his new partner to meet me and DH (his brother). They came over for a few hours for a late lunch/tea.

Anyway i open the door for them (BIL already holding his coat :) ). anyway all the hellos, hugs, come in etc.
BIL automatically takes his shoes off and puts some of the slippers we have out for guests.
She looks very shocked by this and doesn't make a move to either take off her shoes or even ask if i would like her to take her shoes off (i am barefoot)

Anyway when I realise that she isn't taking her shoes off and asks her nicely and politely if she would mind taking her shoes off and if she would like we have slippers for guests (we have a pile like the ones BIL put on and they are very obvious)

BIL looks a bit awkward at his point and then she says' 'no, thank you' and walks though.

I was just stunned and so was BIL obviously.

But it would have been rude to say anything so i just let her carry on. And told DH when he came in about 15mins later not to say anything.

I'm japanese - and to me leaving your shoes on when entering someones house is a no no. I have managed over the years to be okay if someone just walks in to pick something up or drop something off. but if someone is coming in properly. They take their shoes off.

Even forgetting the culture I and this comes from - sure it is rude to reply like that when you are a guest into someones home?

or AIBU in asking people to remove their shoes upon entering??
I'm doubting both now...

Even though she was obviously rude, I do have a sneaking admiration for just being able to breezily say "No, thank you" to a shoes-off request.

I have been asked to take my shoes off by complete strangers when viewing their house (that's up for sale) never thought it odd. Can't believe you wouldn't expect or at least foresee the possibility you will have to take your shoes off at someone else's house it's just manners. and that's without the cultural thing. BIL should have warned her I agree but she was v rude to refuse when specifically asked

YADNBU

I think a lot of people on here have forgotten that this is the OP's culture, and personally I think she is not being unreasonable in asking for shoes to be removed. Also, she has stated the the slippers get washed every time they are used. I don't see why folks are getting snippy about it. If someone has been gracious enough to invite me to their house in the first place, the first thing I am going to do, is abide by their customs/house rules.

But as an adult, can I not be trusted to wipe my feet and check for dog poo?(which I do). I just feel that concern about carpets is over-riding being a welcoming host. Again, I would take my shoes off if asked, and I'd offer if other adults seems to be taking theirs off, but it still seems rude to be asked, to me. I seem to be in the minority, though.

YABU. i ask people to take their shoes off as well. realise not a popular position, but i really don't care what they think. how extremely very rude of her to refuse.

Then fabby she could have worn one of the clean pairs of slippers provided.

Do you allow smoking in your house? What would you do if you asked a guest to smoke outside and they ignored you and lit up anyway?

DOH, i meant YANBU. i blame the lack of sleep.

I do try on shoes in shops but people wear them for a relatively short time and aren't sweating in them for hours. Bowling shoes are gross as are bowling balls - have you ever looked down the holes?

The op's guest slippers sound pristine and I would happily wear them but the woman wasn't to know that the op is so fastidious she obviously doesn't converse with her partner. She was rude not to at least remover her shoes though and I think your bil should have pulled her up on it.

I'm English but was brought up to always remove outdoor shoes. (i live in the country, and it is often extravagantly muddy)
I loved the cleanliness of indoor floors when I was traveling in Thailand, and had no problem adjusting to the Asian way of always taking your shoes off.

Op she was damn rude.

And whilst a pile of house slippers for guests could be considered eccentric in many cultures, it would not seem odd in a Japanese household. And knowing the Japanese cultural approach to hygiene in general I wouldn't have a problem with the slippers. (thinks I may have found a use for those Hilton slippers my OH compulsively nicks )

JamieComeHome - op didn't askin order to protect her carpet.

Ps I don't have any friends or family that expect shoes to be taken off by adult, only children. Perhaps I am older than some of you?

Nancy I know -was talking about some other replies. I have said I would comply myself, but I would feel uncomfortable, whatever the reason for the request

Oh jamie, I'm right with you.

I can understand the OPs concern, because it is her culture, and if I was her guest, I would respect it too, but personally I have never asked anyone to remove their shoes before coming into my house. I would expect people to wipe their feet, and not put their shoe-clad feet up on the furniture, but I would not expect them to take their own footwear off. I have also never been into anyone elses house where they have requested this either.

How rude of her! I would not invite her again.

Ta, the cheese
This has got me thinking. I do take my shoes off at home, and at my mum and dad's house, because I feel comfortable there. To me shoes off = vulnerable, for want of a better word.

YANBU at all! How rude

We have a no shoes policy in our house and many of our friends have the same. And we are all from different parts of the world so it is not a unique cultural thing.

I don't get it at all - how could she just walk in with her shoes

I hope your DH gave his brother a hard time afterwards

YANBU. We are a shoes off house. We have a large porch are where we leave all our shoes. It's not because I'm afraid of germs I just don't like heels on the wooden floor or dirt to stain the carpets. My mum also has a shoes off house. If I'm going to visit someone I make sure my feet are in an acceptable condition and always ask should I remove my shoes when I arrive.

No one has ever been funny about my shoes off. If it was someone I didn't know at all calling for a non social visit eg estate agent I wouldn't make them take their shoes off but just cringe as they walked around. I also have a dog. We always use the entrance with the porch area and if he's dirty wipe him down in there.

Perhaps if we all had a sign in the hall-save any misunderstandings?

If I am asked to remove my shoes I do so. But I find it staggeringly rude and inhospitable and I never like anyone quite as much if I find they are aggressively shoes-off.

Oh my. That is so rude. I would never, never, never presume to wear my shoes in someone's home. How hard is it to think about wearing decent socks before you go visiting?

I think that posh people wearing shoes in the house is because they have a servant or two to clean the floors all the time!

I watched an episode of come dine with me where guests at one house were dressed up in cocktail dresses, at the request of the host, but then asked to take off their shoes at the door (high heels, sparkly shoes chosen carefully by the wearers). I know this is off-topic, but it struck me as rather rude and it did upset a couple of the guests(and, of course, being cram, they were vocal about it - rather than seething inwardly, like I would .......)

Sparklingbrook, I think you're on the right lines. How about a sign outside everyone's house (it could go below the number on the door for example), then we could all easily see who we wanted/didnt want to visit, depending on our shoe preference.

Pop - my theory was going to be the opposite ........

Yes-i think there should just be a shoe for shoes on and a crossed out shoe for shoes off. Sorted iggi.

If they don't like the sign, don't knock the door.