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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to get the woman to remove her shoes or is she BU by being rude?

503 replies

teddiegoestopeckham · 29/11/2011 20:35

my BIL came over today with his new partner to meet me and DH (his brother). They came over for a few hours for a late lunch/tea.

Anyway i open the door for them (BIL already holding his coat :) ). anyway all the hellos, hugs, come in etc.
BIL automatically takes his shoes off and puts some of the slippers we have out for guests.
She looks very shocked by this and doesn't make a move to either take off her shoes or even ask if i would like her to take her shoes off (i am barefoot)

Anyway when I realise that she isn't taking her shoes off and asks her nicely and politely if she would mind taking her shoes off and if she would like we have slippers for guests (we have a pile like the ones BIL put on and they are very obvious)

BIL looks a bit awkward at his point and then she says' 'no, thank you' and walks though.

I was just stunned and so was BIL obviously.

But it would have been rude to say anything so i just let her carry on. And told DH when he came in about 15mins later not to say anything.

I'm japanese - and to me leaving your shoes on when entering someones house is a no no. I have managed over the years to be okay if someone just walks in to pick something up or drop something off. but if someone is coming in properly. They take their shoes off.

Even forgetting the culture I and this comes from - sure it is rude to reply like that when you are a guest into someones home?

or AIBU in asking people to remove their shoes upon entering??
I'm doubting both now...

OP posts:
proudfoot · 01/12/2011 11:34

YANBU

Guest was rude

Some of the comments on this thread are very bizarre Confused "people in socks/slippers look undignified" ?! Hmm

MunchingNoPickles · 01/12/2011 11:51

Al my life we have come home and put our shoes away and worn slippers, am English thru and thru.

When I visit people I ask of unsure, but if the answer the door in socks/slippers I automatically take off me shoes even if told not to worry as for me shoes are for outdoors not indoors.

I am happy in bare/sock feet but also have my own slippers at family homes to change into.

GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy · 01/12/2011 11:51

Have skipped a lot of this thread. There's only so much faux middle class angst I can take!

The OP comes from a different culture, one which i would imagine is fairly easy to spot even if you didn't know in advance (I really hope that's not rude, I don't mean it to be!) and it was the OP's house. So double whammy. The guest was rude to tramp through with her hobnail boots on.

And some of you with your icky nails and holy socks are laughably precious about your feet. No one cares what they look like fgs.

Davsmum · 01/12/2011 11:57

I think most people would remove their shoes if asked, however, if its something you feel strongly that about - You should not ASK guests if they would mind removing their shoes because they have every right to then give you their honest answer , which in this case was she did mind ! ,.. you should politely tell them that they must remove their shoes.
You have a choice - Ask and accept their refusal ( and don't moan about it later) or Tell them and accept they may choose not to come in.

I don't see whay people get themselves into a tizz about these things.

Davsmum · 01/12/2011 12:04

Actually, we have an outdoor mat and a mat inside the door too. People wipe their feet so I would never ask or tell them to take their shoes off.

My sister in law demands people take their shoes off in her house and we all do - however, when she came to ours and my partner told her not to take her shoes off because we don't mind her keeping them on - SHE saw this as a choice and said she would still take them off. Where was her respecting our ways ??

Seems to me fussy people want it all their own way.

emsyj · 01/12/2011 13:55

Not read all the posts (just the first few pages and this last page) but tend to agree with Davsmum that you should have presented it in a more definite way, e.g. 'This is a no-shoes house, please would you leave your shoes here - there are some clean slippers in the basket if you would like to borrow some'.

YANBU to expect visitors to follow your rules in your house. YAB a bit U to present it as 'would you like to....' then be annoyed when she says 'no I wouldn't'!

Floggingmolly · 01/12/2011 14:22

Surely any fool would have understood that while it was phrased as a question for politeness sake, it was actually a request and "no" was not the anticipated answer?
It really wasn't the op's fault, just because she didn't bark an order like a prison guard Hmm

Hullygully · 01/12/2011 14:29

TAKING YOUR SHOES OFF IS WRONG AND BAD MANNERS AND DISRESPECTFUL.

YOU SHOULD HAVE LAMPED HER, THE CHEEKY MARE

Sparklingbrook · 01/12/2011 14:30
Grin
Hullygully · 01/12/2011 14:31

SOME PEOPLE DON'T EVEN HAVE SHOES.

HOW PRIVILEGED ARE YOU?

wahwahwah · 01/12/2011 14:33

I think that the guest was wrong on two counts - not taking off her shoes (house rule and all that) a even if she had bunions or smelly feet! And because she took advantage of the fact that the poster didn't push the issue, so she basically steamrollered over it and just said no.

ElaineReese · 01/12/2011 14:33

I would be horribly embarrassed to ask a guest to remove his/her shoes, and whilst I'd do it if asked, and I'd offer to if my shoes were wet or dirty or it was clearly a 'shoes off' household, I'd be a bit agape at someone asking me to and offering me communal slippers!

Hullygully · 01/12/2011 14:34

SHOEISTS!

WAHT ABOUT BOOTS?

WHY DON'T THEY EVER GET A MENTION?

emsyj · 01/12/2011 14:36

Nobody said she had to 'bark an order like a prison guard' - it is possible to make a request without being rude. It is also possible to assert oneself without being rude - for example the OP could have said, 'I'm sorry, this is a no-shoes house - but don't feel obliged to use the slippers, they're just there for guests who prefer to wear something indoors'.

Hullygully · 01/12/2011 14:39

The second WW has been over a long time. Let's not harbour grudges.

SantasStrapon · 01/12/2011 15:26

Is this still going? Hmm

Davsmum · 01/12/2011 15:26

Floggingmolly,.. I could not be arsed trying to work out whether someone asking me if I minded something, really meant that, or they were really meaning I had better obey them !
If people cannot say what they really mean thats their problem. As for this culture issue - Isn't about time people started questioning what they have been brainwashed to do and started thinking for themselves ?
I get sick of people getting offended because someone has not respected their culture - I mean, just HOW much does it really hurt someone ?

I would never set out to upset someone - but if someone cannot be direct with me I don't see why I should be responsible for how they feel.

emsyj · 01/12/2011 15:46

Sorry SantasStrapon I had forgotten that you are only allowed to post on a thread for as long as it is of interest to the Mumsnet Elite Clique - then once they've had their say you must fuck off and stop posting.

But I remember now. Thanks.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 01/12/2011 15:54

Davsmum, saying 'would you mind doing x/y?' is pretty obviously a request to do so, isn't it? How much working out does it take? Really?

I'm amazed by the hostility here towards, not just requests to take shoes off but to the very idea of taking shoes off. Maybe I'm unusual but in my experience pretty much everyone who comes to my house hesitates on the way in and says 'Is it shoes off?' (my answer is 'We do, but only do so if you want to'). I also ask 'Shoes off?' whenever I go to a house for the first time. And if someone gets in first and asks me to take my shoes off I do. It's really not a big deal. Is it?

Davsmum · 01/12/2011 16:03

ladyClarice,... Why should anyone have to work anything out ? Its not difficult to say what you really mean either, instead of having a demand but wrapping it up in a 'request'

Would the OP leave her shoes on if she visited someone who had a rule that people left their shoes on ? I bloody well hope so.

Not everyone is comfortable taking their shoes off. Why should they be expected to ? Cannot people put up with someone in shoes for a visit ffs ??

pranma · 01/12/2011 16:04

My ds lives in Turkey and has a Turkish wife-they expect people to take shoes off in the house and either put on slippers [provided] or go in socks/barefoot noone ever objects but it is the same everywhere there.I like it-better surely than bringing dirt fom outside into the house.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 01/12/2011 16:07

I just don't believe that it takes any 'working out', in any meaningful sense, to realise that if someone says 'Would you mind ...' they are asking you to do or not do something. It's not about double-speak or being obtuse, it's just a turn of phrase that I'd bet my bottom dollar most people understand without having to do lengthy mental contortions to 'work it out'.

Hullygully · 01/12/2011 16:07

Has the war ended or not?

Does it keep having to be dragged into everything?

mrcamel · 01/12/2011 16:11

davsmum OP aready said "if someone said to keep them on but for that situation i always keep 'inside' shoes in my bag (those fold up ones that are actual shoes - i just never wear them outside) - that i will pop on in friends houses where they do wear shoes inside - that way I am doing both."

And OP - YANBU, she was rude - hopefully she wont make that mistake again.

Davsmum · 01/12/2011 16:15

Ok,.. to be fair to both,.. The BiL's girlfriend should have said ' I want to leave my shoes on,.. is that a problem' ? - and if it was - she would then have to say 'Ok,.. I am afriad I cannot come into your house'

Neither have to give in to the other - and then neither should be offended. Both have a right to their actions. :)