to get the woman to remove her shoes or is she BU by being rude?

[teddiegoestopeckham]

my BIL came over today with his new partner to meet me and DH (his brother). They came over for a few hours for a late lunch/tea.

Anyway i open the door for them (BIL already holding his coat :) ). anyway all the hellos, hugs, come in etc.
BIL automatically takes his shoes off and puts some of the slippers we have out for guests.
She looks very shocked by this and doesn't make a move to either take off her shoes or even ask if i would like her to take her shoes off (i am barefoot)

Anyway when I realise that she isn't taking her shoes off and asks her nicely and politely if she would mind taking her shoes off and if she would like we have slippers for guests (we have a pile like the ones BIL put on and they are very obvious)

BIL looks a bit awkward at his point and then she says' 'no, thank you' and walks though.

I was just stunned and so was BIL obviously.

But it would have been rude to say anything so i just let her carry on. And told DH when he came in about 15mins later not to say anything.

I'm japanese - and to me leaving your shoes on when entering someones house is a no no. I have managed over the years to be okay if someone just walks in to pick something up or drop something off. but if someone is coming in properly. They take their shoes off.

Even forgetting the culture I and this comes from - sure it is rude to reply like that when you are a guest into someones home?

or AIBU in asking people to remove their shoes upon entering??
I'm doubting both now...

Sparkling - I suspect people who have dogs have already reconciled themselves to less than operating-theatre-sterile living conditions...

OP - YANBU. I have cream carpets downstairs, I do not want all manner of crap distriuted across them.

It is absolutely the polite thing to do to ask when you arrive at someone's house whether you should take your shoes off. Failing that, if asked to do so, you should just do it.

Presumably BIL told her about the visit they would be making - and didn't just spring it on her - so she had a chance to wash/put socks on/bring a pair of her own slippers if she wanted to. V rude.

But it's cold and uncomfortable to walk around with bare or thinly tighted feet, I would pefer to clan my floor regularly than have my guests feel uncomfortable.

*distriuted = distributed

Sorry but if you wasn't family or a friend of mine I'd not have taken my shoes off, I've only just met you, I might not have smelly feet, I might not have painted my toe nails and be embarassed by my feet. I think having a guest in your home for the first time is one time when you don't ask them to remove their shoes if they don't feel comfortable doing so.

That said her partner should have told her the rules to your house then she could have chosen not to visit.

I don't like wearing shoes inside, when I visit someone else's house I always look if they are wearing shoes and if there are shoes or slippers by the door. I usually decline to wear slippers though (except in Japan where I know it is expected) as not all slippers offered are clean and not being used to them, I'm more likely to trip.

Some people are simply bare foot inside because they have not yet been outside for the day rather than having a rule.

I don't like taking my shoes off if I have a hole in my socks or tights or am wearing something that is not quick and easy to slip off when I'm visiting someone.

I think your BIL is the one who is rude for not explaining to his DP first, because it seems like he knew what is expected.

Clossaintjacques I believe you can catch TB from saliva of an infected person, so walking in a glob of spit in the street, walking inside with your shoes and then playing on the floor, might be considered a bit risky. Maybe it's just that I live in a high TB, high gob on the pavement, shoes off inside area!

Blindness comes from cat shit not dog shit.

YANBU.
Shoes off in my house too. I don't want outdoor dirt and germs all over my floor - I'm not too fussed about the hall and the kitchen (tiled floor and dog) but not in the lounge and def not in bedrooms.

The brother should have explained in advance. I hope he does for next time.

When my dad went to visit the Japanese side of my family, he had it so drilled into him (by me!) to take his shoes off before he went in, that he ended up doing it actually outside, not in the genkan (entrance way). Luckily they found it sweet rather than horrendous - he was clearly trying VERY hard.

I think the "eeeeww" brigade here are being quite insensitive, it is a strong cultural tradition in many Asian countries. Even the Queen managed when she went to the Gurdwara in Southall.

Midoriway - I want a genkan too!

YANBU.

I find it appalling when people don't abide by the owners rules and I find it common courtesy to take off your shoes when entering someone else's house. It is rude not to - if they don't surely you would ask "shall I take my shoes off?".

Otherwise you are trawling dirt/mud/gum/shit and god knows what else onto their clean carpets...

YANBU

She was very rude to refuse. If you were British she would be rude to refuse having been asked, but you are Japanese and asked that is just super-rude, frankly. She sounds rather confrontational to me Usual approach would be to do as told and go on about it afterwards if upset!!!

Have to say that I think the British Isles (or at least the bit around here) are in an interesting state of flux re shoes on or off, and it's hard to say which way it will go. Like for a while everyone started kissing each other as a greeting, and now it seems to have calmed down again...

sparkling I have cats, and all soft furnishings are washed at least monthly, ie, couch covers, cushions. Bedding sometimes twice a week if the cats have been on them. Floors mopped twice a day, but when DS1 was crawling this was more like 4 times a day -

But cannot stand the thought of dog or cat shit on my kids. And if shoes off reduces the risk then it's shoes off. It's dirty and can be dangerous.

However, although I sound like I bathe my boys in Dettol, I don't and dirt can be good - but not shit.

She was BU to not follow your custom as a guest in your house (regardless of if it's your national custom or just your domestic one) you shouldn't needed to have asked even.

I think you have to look at it as a pretty minor piece of rudeness though, and most likely due to a self knowledge that she had hideously smelly feet socks with holes in kama sutra painted toenails some reason why she didn't want to take them off and didn't fully appreciate how important it was to you.

But no YANBU for sure.

Hmmm, herald's gone quiet!

do you ppl getting sqeaumish at slippers never try on shoes in a shoe shop? many people have tried them on you know...

Yes but slippers ae fabric..more ABSORBENT...I know would not put on slippers worn by multiple people...however...I also hate outdoor shoes indoors. She was probably grossed out by the slippers and couldn't think of a better way of coping.

What about bowling shoes and ice skates (moist!). And those lovely communal popsocks they have in M&S?

Sorry, even though I would take my shoes off if asked, I think that expecting adults to take their shoes off is rather rude, and comes over as unwelcoming. I do appreciate that that is a cultural difference.

Can't believe how rude some peopke have been.

I don't allow shoes on in my home either. I also bought guest slippers but most people preferred socks/bare feet instead.

She was very rude. I'm surprised though that your bil did not warn her. How did tge rest of the visit go?

that would make more sense fabbychic, it'd be in buried the soil

chilld playing in soil then rubbing eyes does seem more likely than child sticking hands in dog poo then rubbing their eyes

I'm so surprised that she said no - that's really very rude IMO. Must have made the rest of the visit uncomfortable.

Especially given the cultural angle too. I just don't understand why she couldn't compromise given this?

YANBU

Yanbu, cultural or not if someone has a no shoes rule in their home then that's the rule. Shoes are dirty, and if I had a light coloured carpet I wouldn't want people traipsing around in outdoor shoes! The fact that the OP asks people to remove their shoes for cultural reasons makes the woman's rudeness even worse.
Honestly some of the responses on here baffle me, l bet you're the sort of people that go on holiday to a foreign country and then go to a British Caff every day because all the food is "foreign".

What is wrong with accepting and embracing other cultures?

how is it rude? Id not have done it. If I was told in advance Id have taken my own slippers or worn non heels, or painted my toe nails.

You cant just presume someone will take their shoes off because it is what YOU do.

If they stripped naked for dinner would you because it was the norm? Course you wouldn't, some people have a phobia about feet maybe she does.

FabbyChic Tue 29-Nov-11 21:14:14
Blindness comes from cat shit not dog shit

it comes from BOTH !!!

Oh I love a good shoes on/off thread. Never even knew this was an issue till I started MNing.
Should have been something bil warned her about in car on way there - he didn't. Don't let this colour your whole relationship with her.

My work means that I visit people in their own homes. I always make sure that I have dead nice socks on, or in the Summer have nice feet/toenails. I always check when I enter the house if its "shoes off?". In the houses where it is, I can sense the appreciation from the home owners.

I had a friend come into my house and put her feet up on the sofa with her shoes on I felt like she really disrespected me doing that (no longer friends)

YANBU, she is.