to get the woman to remove her shoes or is she BU by being rude?

[teddiegoestopeckham]

my BIL came over today with his new partner to meet me and DH (his brother). They came over for a few hours for a late lunch/tea.

Anyway i open the door for them (BIL already holding his coat :) ). anyway all the hellos, hugs, come in etc.
BIL automatically takes his shoes off and puts some of the slippers we have out for guests.
She looks very shocked by this and doesn't make a move to either take off her shoes or even ask if i would like her to take her shoes off (i am barefoot)

Anyway when I realise that she isn't taking her shoes off and asks her nicely and politely if she would mind taking her shoes off and if she would like we have slippers for guests (we have a pile like the ones BIL put on and they are very obvious)

BIL looks a bit awkward at his point and then she says' 'no, thank you' and walks though.

I was just stunned and so was BIL obviously.

But it would have been rude to say anything so i just let her carry on. And told DH when he came in about 15mins later not to say anything.

I'm japanese - and to me leaving your shoes on when entering someones house is a no no. I have managed over the years to be okay if someone just walks in to pick something up or drop something off. but if someone is coming in properly. They take their shoes off.

Even forgetting the culture I and this comes from - sure it is rude to reply like that when you are a guest into someones home?

or AIBU in asking people to remove their shoes upon entering??
I'm doubting both now...

ive just remembered this - when we first got our house we were so excited we threw a party for all our friends (and to show it off) and because i really really didnt want my new cream carpet ruined in the livingroom i actually put up a big sign on the livingroom door saying " no shoes allowed. rules help control the fun!!" ha ha. this was my way of taking the piss out myself but hoping they would take them off also (they know im a clean freak). i think it worked, cant remember, was drunk in the end.

"I never like anyone quite as much" - for following a cultural tradition that is at least a thousand years old? This not an affectation, this is a passed down by generations behaviour.

The shoes off/shoes on MN classic dilemma!

OP, YANBU but I agree with everyone who says the blame should fall on your BiL who should have briefed his partner. There is no reason that she should 'know' that it is in your culture or that it is a great taboo to wear shoes in the house. She may genuinely have though you were offering her the slippers rather than asking her to take her shoes off. She isn't necessarily being rude.

I don't ask people to take their shoes off in my house. I do have friends who like me to take my shoes off in their house and I do it but usually regret not having worn warmer socks. I have arthritis in my foot so I am less comfortable without my shoes on.

It's definitely 'shoes on' in posh houses. Nothing to do with servants, everything to do with propriety, not being semi-dressed, etc. Being more concerned with the carpets than with your guests being at ease is a bit Hyacinth Bouquet.

OP YANBU. I think it's a matter of respect to at least offer to take your shoes off. For me it's automatic as soon as I walk in someones house if I see that my host isn't wearing shoes off. I don't actively ask guests to take their shoes but I generally find that friends with young DC take their shoes off when they come to visit but I think we all work on the basis that shoes that have been tramping round a park etc are not necesarily going to be hygenic.

In your case, it is a predominantly a cultural issue. DH and I visited Japan on our honeymoon and wouldn't have dreamt of ignoring the culture when we stayed in a ryokan or were invited into peoples homes. We never came across any skanky guest slippers (we found the Japanese to be wonderful generous hosts who did everything they could to ensure our comfort and make us feel at home) and even if we had we would have been mortified to have caused any offence to our hosts by refusing to wear them.

I don't think you were rude in asking. You didn't press the point or make an issue of it. BIL should have forewarned his partner however. Best case scenario is that she was caught on the hop and is probably now on a other forum having started a thread entitled "Argh, have managed to offend DP's SIL the first time I met her and it was in her own home!". If not, and she was simply being a rude ignorant mare, then hopefully BIL will not be with her for long.

I don't think it matter's what the request is. If you ask a guest to follow a reasonable 'house rule', then it's rude of them to refuse.

She is fucking rude.

As long as you offer her hygienic slippers, it's perfectly acceptable to expect her to take her shoes off. This is no longer a bizarre way-out request in England.

You would only be rude, if your floors were minging and you didn't offer properly washed slippers (like those ones which are worn once and then just chucked in the wash) - like the house I was in last month, which was all (fairly dirty) floorboards anyway, so I don't really know why I had to remove my shoes, but heyho. I am in the habit of taking my own slippers to people's houses actually, in anticipation of this rule.

It is extraordinarily rude to ask people to remove their shoes, and even worse to expect them to wear slippers that have been worn by other people. It is as bad as saying 'lounge' rather than 'sitting room' 'tea' rather than supper, or 'pardon' rather than 'what'

In my DH's Scandinavian culture, it is not posh at all to wear shoes in the house. Quite the opposite, in fact, it is considered uncouth.

Same for our Belgian friends. They are really particular about shoes and also don't allow our dog inside their house. We accept their rules and don't think they are unwelcoming at all!

Lemon - Interesting - I am Essex working class but have foot ishoos, clearly

I think if it's obvious that taking shoes off is a house rule then it's rude for a guest to ignore it.

I prefer guests to take all their clothes off when they come to my house. I supply them with a paper suit, run a Geiger counter over them and spray them with pesticide. If they own a dog then I have a 3 mile exclusion zone. Everyone's fine with it because I have a fun sign up by the front door with a picture of a leper with a big red line running through it.

YANBU. We are a shoes off house. Our children play on the carpets and they cost a lot of money, we don't want them to get ruined.

If a guest uses the toilet you would expect them to wash their hands before touching your door handles etc, muck on shoes is the same, urine etc being brought in on shoes.
A quick wipe at the door is not going to remove all the germs etc off shoes, just as wiping your hand on a towel without washing them isn't going to remove all the germs from using the toilet.

We have a dog, his feet are wiped after being outside for the same reasons. It takes 30 seconds, he comes in and sits by the door until his feet are wiped.

at dickiedavies

I want to come to your house

Norty dickie

So why can't shoes be wiped too, or are we dirtier than dogs?

Blimey am feeling dirty now

Yes we've trod in their poo

Sorry that was to Snala

Dickie

Eleanorrathbone

I think it's very rude of her to ignore your request.

Fwiw I prefer people to take their shoes off in my house. Visiting friends I would always look at the person's feet and if they're not wearing shoes I'd take mine off too.

Urine being brought in on shoes?

Dogs have entered the fray -this could get nasty. Fwiw, i don't lick my own arse

The dog is wet wiped, if you wet wipe your shoes and inbetween the tread then there wouldnt be a problem.

Why not just keep a stock of those blue plastic things you get at the swimming pool?

Dogs stick their noses in all sorts as well though.