to get the woman to remove her shoes or is she BU by being rude?

[teddiegoestopeckham]

my BIL came over today with his new partner to meet me and DH (his brother). They came over for a few hours for a late lunch/tea.

Anyway i open the door for them (BIL already holding his coat :) ). anyway all the hellos, hugs, come in etc.
BIL automatically takes his shoes off and puts some of the slippers we have out for guests.
She looks very shocked by this and doesn't make a move to either take off her shoes or even ask if i would like her to take her shoes off (i am barefoot)

Anyway when I realise that she isn't taking her shoes off and asks her nicely and politely if she would mind taking her shoes off and if she would like we have slippers for guests (we have a pile like the ones BIL put on and they are very obvious)

BIL looks a bit awkward at his point and then she says' 'no, thank you' and walks though.

I was just stunned and so was BIL obviously.

But it would have been rude to say anything so i just let her carry on. And told DH when he came in about 15mins later not to say anything.

I'm japanese - and to me leaving your shoes on when entering someones house is a no no. I have managed over the years to be okay if someone just walks in to pick something up or drop something off. but if someone is coming in properly. They take their shoes off.

Even forgetting the culture I and this comes from - sure it is rude to reply like that when you are a guest into someones home?

or AIBU in asking people to remove their shoes upon entering??
I'm doubting both now...

My friends always take their shoes off in my house, possibly because I have beige/cream carpets. I'm not really fussed, although if someone had been tramping through mud I would prefer them to take them off - if they didn't then I'd just Hoover after
Guests should make hosts feel comfortable and hosts make guests feel comfortable so works both ways
Cultural/religious - I would do exactly as they wanted me to, I wouldn't like to feel as though I was being disrespectful
And all my friends that take their shoes off I think do it to feel at home? They root through the fridge, make cups of tea and put their feet on the sofa

well this japanese person if someone asks news would keep my shoes on (if i was in UK) if someone said to keep them on but for that situation i always keep 'inside' shoes in my bag (those fold up ones that are actual shoes - i just never wear them outside) - that i will pop on in friends houses where they do wear shoes inside - that way I am doing both.

and as for someone asking me to keep on shoes in Japan - that has never happened to me or to anyone I know (and it is the sort of thing you would hear about)

news I defer to my original stat ie that Japanese people have a higher life expectancy than Brits, which is clearly a result of their shoes-off policy

But seriously, a host asks you to do something not entirely unreasonable (please don't smoke, say grace before dinner, don't lick the wallpaper etc) surely you would respect it??

But we don't have a 'shoes on' culture here, we have a hodgepodge of mini cultures and family traditions and personal preferences. And even then I don't think I've ever met anyone who felt strongly that others should keep their shoes on.

My dh is Japanese and I squirm to even imagine going into my in-law's house without removing my shoes. It's just so rude. And it's not an obscure cultural taboo (like not blowing your nose in public), it's probably one of the most widely understood aspects of Japanese culture.

The high life expectancy has nothing to do with the diet high in seafood, exercise, healthcare, low smoking rates, good sense of purpose in the elderly and mineral-rich tap water then?

Yes of course I'd always do as the host wishes. Wouldn't stop me privately thinking it was unnecessary though.

"I don't think I've ever met anyone who felt strongly that others should keep their shoes on."

You have now :o

Low smoking rates??? In Japan?? It has one of the highest smoking rates!

we don't insist but I also don't really like people to come in with shoes on and I automatically take off my shoes at the doorway of other peoples' homes unless they are dead posh then I ask first. I wouldn't put on used slippers though, even if clean. I take my own thick house socks with grips or a pair of the free slippers in clear plastic bag from flash hotels that I've nicked and hoarded like a crazy person

when I lived in japan I went around to an apartment of a friend's friends and they worn shoes inside, told me to keep mine on AND they were Japanese.

It was strange. They are possibly the only three in Japan like this

when people come to my house, thye can leave shoes on off...don't care

Oops about the smoking, was something I read! The rest still stands though

'But seriously, a host asks you to do something not entirely unreasonable (please don't smoke, say grace before dinner, don't lick the wallpaper etc) surely you would respect it??'

It depends whether I think it is not entirely unreasonable, I wouldn't smoke in someone's house (I am a smoker), I wouldn't lick wallpaper - I'd be a bit offended that I looked like I might and they had to tell me not to, rofl, I'd take my shoes off, but feel partly naked.

I'd not say grace I'd sit silently while they did and not comment on it, but I'd never join in.

Hehehehe @ living longer because they take their shoes off

I hate my shoes now :)

YANBU at all. She was beyond rude.

YANBU

"SchnitzelVonKrumm Tue 29-Nov-11 21:39:19
If I am asked to remove my shoes I do so. But I find it staggeringly rude and inhospitable and I never like anyone quite as much if I find they are aggressively shoes-off."

I never quite like anyone quite as much if they are reluctant to take their shoes off or imply it is silly or phobic- crikey you behave politely when you are a guest in someone's house- the height of arrogance to think you can just do what you choose to do in your own home.

I have to say I would find it very hard to warm to her- she sounds like an ungracious soul.

You clearly dont think you are BU at all, so why ask?

Can you bring your own slippers?

My shoes make people die young?

"More hygienic - mopping or cleaning the loo with slippers on and getting splashes on your slippers instead of easily-cleaned shoes? No thanks"

Ah, well in Japan you have special toilet slippers - so there's outdoor shoes, indoor shoes/slippers, and then toilet slippers. You could try that .

In my house we have some fairly horrible stone stairs. I insist guests wear shoes to negotiate them as it's far safer and more pleasant.

If you are a shoe-off family, do you cook in slippers? Clean? If you have your shoes by the front door, do you have to go and get them if you want to nip out into the back garden for something? Do you keep all your shoes by the front door or do you carry them to your wardrobe? I am fascinated by the shoe off lifestyle, even though I think piles of shoes by the front door look manky and people in socks/slippers look undignified.

bare feet mostly. shoes by the front door and back door.

my dc are so indoctrinated that when they were small they used to take their shoes off when we went into shops. (which worked in India where they do that)

we have this outside and one in the boiler room

Shoes that are worn most often are on the rack outside, while the dress shoes etc are in the boiler room rack

I wear indoor flip flops in summer and tartan closed indoor shoes in winter

Our wellies are outside, by the backdoor for trips into the garden and beyond.

Something like this in winter. I wear these with socks and they are super comfortable.

For the Japanese/many other cultures this isn't just a quaint cultural quirk or custom... it's an abominable taboo that's unbelievably rude to break. My ex-landlord had a Japanese wife and their home was 'shoes off', with a basket of slippers by the door, which I always followed when I went round. (I just wore my socks which was fine.)

Arguably, it's not strictly true that the cultural practice is borne solely (!) out of a desire to avoid trampling dog poo and dirt onto clean carpets inside. Many cultures have what are known as purity systems, which are an attempt to demarcate things into strict categories. The Jewish laws in the book of Leviticus are a classic example of this. The law against eating pork, for example, is not a random law made up by God to test his followers' faith, or a practical hygiene adaptation to living in a desert environment where keeping meat fresh is difficult. It is because pigs inhabit ambiguous territory in that they share the cloven hoof of ungulates but do not chew the cud. Anything inhabiting a liminal space between two categories can become taboo and unpure for that culture.

Likewise with the Japanese... they have a clear demarcation between 'outside' and 'inside'. By wearing outdoor shoes into the house, it is considered a profound taboo, because it is transgressing the system in place to keep indoors and outdoors separate.

Therefore, wearing shoes in a Japanese household is as abominably rude as eating a bacon sarnie in a Jewish kitchen.