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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that now my wife is working she should contribute financially and not spend all money on herself?

134 replies

mrniceguy11 · 29/11/2011 05:47

Just wanted to canvass some opinions on whether or not I'm being unreasonable with regards to my wife. She has stayed at home looking after the kids for several years while I've supported the family financially. All the money for rent, food, kids-related stuff comes out of my salary - fine. She's recently decided she wants to start working again which I've been supportive of. As a result of this, I've started doing a lot more childcare/housework, I'd say we look after the kids/house an even amount. Now that she's got a decent salary coming in though, she regards this as her "pocket money" and uses it to do whatever she likes with - go out shopping, go for expensive meals with friends. While all the money for everything else still comes out of my salary and I hardly ever spend anything on myself. I don't begrudge her treating herself but AIBU in thinking that now she's working she should contribute towards bills, food, rent? I don't earn that much more than her. I asked her about it and she says that we've always managed fine on just my salary alone and this is "extra" money she's earned so she should be able to spend it entirely on herself. I don't think I'm being unreasonable but she seems to think I'm being mean and tight. Any opinions appreciated.

OP posts:
Ilovemypinkflowerywellies · 29/11/2011 05:57

Wow I think your name is very apt, you are too nice. Whilst I appreciate your wife is enjoying her new independence financially I do feel she is being a bit selfish here. You should sit down and discuss this calmly with her especially as your earnings are similar.

You should both benefit from your wife now earning in my opinion.

WelshMoth · 29/11/2011 06:00

YANBU. It hardly sounds fair.

Joint account for all your incoming and joint outgoings (mortgage, bills, groceries etc) and your own separate accounts with a pre-agreed 'allowance' for your personal use.

You're not being mean and tight, but she is being selfish and thoughtless.

OrangeGloss · 29/11/2011 06:02

We always put our incomes together, subtract all household expenses and divide the balance equally, maybe you could suggest that? I wouldn't consider it mean to ask her to contribute.

Regards housework, my dh used to often think he did an equal share, but there were lots of things that he didn't know or notice. When I listed everything he then realised he didn't, does she think she still does the majority of housework and child care? I'm not suggesting she actually does it's just a thought

OrangeGloss · 29/11/2011 06:03

Sorry forgot to add YANBU at all

coldwed · 29/11/2011 06:04

This can't be real. She is taking the piss.

Proudnscary · 29/11/2011 06:20

If this is real...then she not only BU, but really very hurtful and selfish. I would be jolly upset if I was you - upset that she can't understand how selfish this is. She is trampling all over you here.

Your money should be pooled or if you are not fans of absolute sharing of income, at least separated into accounts that cover household bills/mortgage etc.

violathing · 29/11/2011 06:21

Maybe for amonth or two it is oK but long term bills should be shared and you should contribute equally.YADNBU she is BU

justaboutstillhere · 29/11/2011 06:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gamerwidow · 29/11/2011 06:24

YANBU your wife should be helping her family with her money not just herself. Me and DH split the bills proportionally between ourselves so before children when I earnt more I paid more towards the bills and now after children DH earns more so he pays more towards the bills, but we both still contribute.

daveywarbeck · 29/11/2011 06:28

Obviously YANBU. Suggest that it's now your turn to be the SAHP and be kept by her as she is now earning. When she finishes spluttering with rage and indignation, tell her the current situation is unacceptable as above.

callmemrs · 29/11/2011 06:39

I like daveywarbecks suggestion.

Turn it around and say she can pay all the rent, bills, food and any other costs while you're a SAHP for a few years. Tell her when you subsequently decide you'd like a job again, the income will of course be your spending money alone, because you'll already be living off her income.

Hopefully a reality check might make her see she's taking the piss big time

Olipop · 29/11/2011 06:40

Wow, lucky her!! I've returned to work part time and DH pays all bills and usually pays for outings and dinners out but I pay for all food, kids bits and the odd random expense like the recent £275 nursery deposit (ouch!). I think this is fair and I think we have similar amounts to spend on ourselves after all that is taken into account. If I ran out of money and wanted to do/have something I know he'd pay. I just don't take the mickey and neither does he. Good luck with the discussion though, areas of finance can be difficult to negotiate. Always filled with delicate feelings and possible guilt complexes!

Proudnscary · 29/11/2011 06:45

I think davey's suggestion is spot on too.

OP are you new to Mumsnet? You seem very comfortable with the lingo and presentation? Is your wife a MNetter?

daveywarbeck · 29/11/2011 06:47

FFS why do we have to have these implied are you a troll posts just because a man has the temerity to post here. I always namechange when I post a thread about an actual problem, I just do. It's allowed.

YellowDinosaur · 29/11/2011 06:52

YANBU. She is being unbelievably selfish.

Welshmoths post is how we manage our finances now too - joint account for all household / children / family related expenses (and we include big joint stuff like car, both our mobiles, work related expenses including clothes from here) then the remainder split equally for us each to spend how we wish.

Anything else apart from similar agreements where each is responsible for specific outgoings or a totally communal account is totally unfair imho.

Get her to read this thread

callmemrs · 29/11/2011 06:52

Davey- It's the predictable and rather depressing mumsnet sexism at work. Note the poster above who suggested the OP might not actually be doing the housework and childcare he says he is.

When a woman posts saying her husband is being unreasonable, a thousand posters will jump up in righteous indignation.

When man posts about his wife taking the piss, you always get some posters suggesting it's his fault in some way.

Twas ever thus...

YellowDinosaur · 29/11/2011 06:55

Could you suggest that she is right, you have always managed on your salary alone but obviously you haven't been spending much on your self. So you will continue to pay for everything but you'd like her to give you half of her salary for you to spend as you wish?

Or is the issue here that she believes that while she was not earning you were having spare money to 'play' with while she was not? Were you? because if this was the case, or if she had to beg for money to do stuff for herself I agree with the poster who said perhaps no harm for a couple of months but then thats enough and she needs to realise this is selfish.

YellowDinosaur · 29/11/2011 06:58

callmemrs cross posted - I see what you're saying about the sexism and you are right.

However the OPs wife is just so overwhelmingly unreasonable that its not out of order to look at reasons why she might be doing this and thinking its OK - like the fact tshe is still doing the lions share of the housework and childcare, or, as in my previous suggestion, that the OIP wasn't in fact as generous with his money as he thought?

Because I find it very hard to see that any reasonable person would behave as the OPs wife is doing without feeling agggrieved in some way - whether or not she is reasonable to feel like this. I'm not calling troll AT ALL - just wanting to make sure there isn't any back story.

Because if it all is as is presented in the OP she is a total and utter bitch

callmemrs · 29/11/2011 07:02

The op said he hardly ever spends anything on himself so clearly he's either never had much left over, or its gone into savings

comedycentral · 29/11/2011 07:05

I feel sorry for you, YANBU.

Proudnscary · 29/11/2011 07:09

Davey - I hope your aggressive 'FFS' wasn't aimed at me.

I didn't say the OP's a troll. I asked him some questions that would be interesting to know. I'm also wondering if it's actually the wife posting - and I have every right to ask what I like.

EdithWeston · 29/11/2011 07:09

If he has hardly ever spent anything on himself, perhaps it's time he started? What is it you want to do, what is it likely to cost?

This isn't a financial problem - there is plenty of money here.

This is a communication problem.

Have you and DW actually talked abou your family priorities recently? And how resources (time, cash) support these?

GnomeDePlume · 29/11/2011 07:16

YANBU

In the DePlume household all income and expenditure is joint as is all housework.

Whatever money/time is leftover is shared. We sometimes have time leftover but not actually seen any money yet!

ErpsKwerps · 29/11/2011 07:19

Welcome to my world. DH stopped paying into the joint account (mortgage, bills) for two months, when he was in between contracts. OK, that was fair enough, but he has been working for the past seven months and hasn't restarted the direct debit. Any attempt to raise this is called "nagging" and I am told "don't start" when I mention it. According to him, we don't need his salary paid into the joint account, as we manage just fine on mine. And he has just spent 500 quid on a pair of shoes and double that on a bespoke suit, while almost all of my salary is funding our day to day life, and I am about to go overdrawn, while he has over 10 grand in his personal account.

(Have name changed for this, btw, am a regular.)

daveywarbeck · 29/11/2011 07:24

It wasn't aggressive.

It was aimed at you.

You can ask what you like, the OP doesn't have to answer of course.