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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that now my wife is working she should contribute financially and not spend all money on herself?

134 replies

mrniceguy11 · 29/11/2011 05:47

Just wanted to canvass some opinions on whether or not I'm being unreasonable with regards to my wife. She has stayed at home looking after the kids for several years while I've supported the family financially. All the money for rent, food, kids-related stuff comes out of my salary - fine. She's recently decided she wants to start working again which I've been supportive of. As a result of this, I've started doing a lot more childcare/housework, I'd say we look after the kids/house an even amount. Now that she's got a decent salary coming in though, she regards this as her "pocket money" and uses it to do whatever she likes with - go out shopping, go for expensive meals with friends. While all the money for everything else still comes out of my salary and I hardly ever spend anything on myself. I don't begrudge her treating herself but AIBU in thinking that now she's working she should contribute towards bills, food, rent? I don't earn that much more than her. I asked her about it and she says that we've always managed fine on just my salary alone and this is "extra" money she's earned so she should be able to spend it entirely on herself. I don't think I'm being unreasonable but she seems to think I'm being mean and tight. Any opinions appreciated.

OP posts:
WelshMoth · 29/11/2011 07:25

I'm actually soon to be returning to work, and I CANNOT WAIT to be able to start contributing financially again.

I think it's a fair assumption to make that many males don't spend in the same way females can - for example, DH doesn't buy clothes unless it's absolutely necessary (new suit for work e.g.) and the most indulgent he is on a weekly basis is a decent bottle of wine. Perhaps OP is like this and his wife feels she ha free reign to spend on herself.

OP you need to point out that just because you don't spend, doesn't mean that you shouldn't be able to, should you want to.

Of course, Davey's suggestion that you should now be the SAHP while she brings in the salary, is a good one. At the very least, it'll make her perhaps think a bit more Grin

runningwilde · 29/11/2011 07:25

OP - please show her this thread as she really needs to know how bloody selfish she is. I feel very sorry for you having to put up with that. If she is working and earning a good amount she needs to at least buy groceries. This is not on.

OP's wife - you are so selfish. I resist the urge to call you names.

WelshMoth · 29/11/2011 07:27

ErpsKwerps, I'm mortified to read this. This is a total piss-take on your DH's behalf.... sorry.

I really am quite moved by your comment. Blimey. What are you going to do?

Alouisee · 29/11/2011 07:27

ErpsKwerps Just Shock

WhollyGhost · 29/11/2011 07:28

ErpsKwerps - I think you should get legal advice on that, or maybe start a new thread.

Chandon · 29/11/2011 07:28

oh Erps....and OP, that just isn't right, is it?

All money is OUR money.

You can still both have monthly "pocket money" out of that.

pigletmania · 29/11/2011 07:43

YANBU at all, seems very fair. When I worked we used to split the bills, now that I am a STAHM my dh pays for everything. A lot of couples split the bills, nowt wrong with that, I don't know why people are saying YABU when its not really.

WhollyGhost · 29/11/2011 07:45

OP, how long has she been back at work?

Is it possible she is just shopping for a new work wardrobe and also enjoying guilt free nights out where she can spend the money she's earned?

NinkyNonker · 29/11/2011 07:49

Very wrong.

WelshMoth · 29/11/2011 07:59

Erpskwerps, I've never encouraged anyone before to start their own thread, but I'm doing so now. Please start one - if anything just to offload and at the most you may get some really good advice.

God, what on earth is going on in your DH's mind? I really feel for you.

niceguy2 · 29/11/2011 08:28

ErpsKwerps, dump the bastard! That's frankly taking the piss.

Niceguy11, (nice name btw!), this sounds like a similar situation to when I was together with my ex. Whilst she wasnt working, i paid for everything. When she did, she kept her money albeit with my agreement. The only thing was I didn't quite realise how much she was getting about £200 a month rather than I later found out it was nearer £600.

Anyway, looking back i realised I made a big mistake by before she was working, keeping our finances separate. What that meant was she spent a long time beholden to asking me for money despite the fact that if I could afford it, I didn't mind. The point is she still had to ask.

So the point I'm trying to make is that when she got a bit of "her" money, she naturally wanted to spend it how she wanted without me having to "approve" so to speak.

Anyway, longer term you do need to sort it out because in my case I was mightly pissed off when I realised she was earning a lot more as she could have helped out with the family finances more.

I'd start by giving her a choice. Either a share of the bills or a full joint account where everything is pooled. With my new partner I've opted for the latter, even though our incomes are massively different. I'm a believer in the fact that if you are married/living together as though, then you should share everything including money.

WhoIsThatMaskedWoman · 29/11/2011 08:29

YANBU.

A couple of months splurge would be very understandable - it's wearing having no money of your own for years on end.

But after that you need a "bills and kids" account into which you both pay in proportion to your income (more bureaucratic than I'd prefer myself but if it's already a subject of contention you need something that's demonstrably fair) - the rest of your money is your own.

Original poster
mrniceguy11 · 29/11/2011 09:52

Thank you all. Yes my wife uses Mumsnet and I've looked over these threads before. I was intending on showing her this thread, provided people thought I was being reasonable. And yes I do think we evenly share childcare/housework. My wife always has had the tendency to be a bit selfish and she told her friends she was looking forward to working again so she could have her OWN money. Yet for all these years, the money I've earned has been considered ours. I'm just resentful that her working has only improved the standard of life for her (as well as sometimes buying the kids ridiculously expensive designer baby clothing - nothing essential). She has been back at work six months now. When I try to discuss the topic with her, she treats it like a joke and laughs it off saying, "you're the man darling, you should be provide for the family".

I will show this to her and hopefully she will listen seeing as her favourite site is saying she is being unreasonable!

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 29/11/2011 10:07

Erps, your 'd'h is contributing nothing positive to your life. So Sad for you. If he was mine, I'd put all his stuff in bin bags on the lawn and change the locks.

mrniceguy, YANBU. Imo, both partners should have roughly the same amount of money to spend on themselves. Your wife is taking the piss.

PanicMode · 29/11/2011 10:14

DH and I used to split the bills between us when we were working more or less in proportion to our salaries - now that I've resigned (after child number 4 so gave being a working parent a good go!), he's obviously covering everything. I HATE not helping out with the money and as soon as I can go back to work and contribute again, I will feel so much better. Obviously I do the lion's share of childcare and housework at the moment, but he does a huge amount too - we both have to help each other out with so many children!

I can see how she's relishing having a bit of financial freedom again after having been supported financially by you - BUT it is not reasonable to expect you to continue paying everything now that she's earning.

You need to both sit down and talk about how the bills and household expenditure gets covered and then split the remainder more fairly - YADNBU.

dinkystinky · 29/11/2011 10:20

OP - YANBU and your wife is being VBU. Its nice to earn your own money, especially after not having much for a while, but its important that joint expenses (household, child related, insurances etc) are paid for jointly when both parents are working. If one parent earns significantly more than the other then the sharing proportions can be pro-rated accordingly (as they were when she wasnt earning and you were) but anything esle is just unfair!

whysolate · 29/11/2011 10:21

Wow. YADNBU! That doesn't sound like much of a partnership.

Adversecamber · 29/11/2011 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SnapesMistress · 29/11/2011 10:25

OP YANBU

I would hesitate to show her this thread though if she is a regular user of the site. I would be would be quite hurt if DP did that knowing I use Mumsnet a lot, just feels underhanded to me.

YULEingFanjo · 29/11/2011 10:26

YANBU, of course she should be contributing to the joint finances. Maybe a little less than you as you earn more but I don't understand how, in a relationship where both people work out of the home, the status quo can be that one person pays for everything!

It's unbelievable really.

Maybe you shouldn't have posted here knowing your wife does but at least it gives her the opportunity to post in her defence with her reasons or any extra information you have missed out of your OP.

FantasticVoyage · 29/11/2011 10:31

OP's wife sounds like a selfish cow.

She also sounds like the kind of woman who'd run off with the tennis coach, if you know what I mean.

Iggly · 29/11/2011 10:34

"you're the man darling" Hmm

YANBU

OP's wife, come and explain yourself.

MotherPanda · 29/11/2011 10:35

Did you 'give' your wife spending money when you were the sole earner? If not then i can understand her behaviour, but otherwise she is being very unreasonable.

Get a joint account.

lettingitallgonow · 29/11/2011 10:40

YANBU I agree with OrangeGloss that all the bills, household expenses should come out of a joint account which you both put exactly the same amount in. Whatever is left over between you both is split 50/50.

I understand that it must be great for her to have her own money after she's been supported by you financially whilst being a sahm, however what she earns now needs to be split down the middle with you, the same as you've been doing with her.

wannaBe · 29/11/2011 10:42

all money is our money.

I have been sahm for nine years and hoping to go back to work (when some bugger will employ me). Dh has joked that now it's his turn to stay at home doing sod all and surfing the net and I have joked that I'll have a whole salary to myself to spend on myself.

But in truth any money I earn will go into the joint account as it always did in the past.

Actually, in truth we are going to try to save any salary I earn since we have managed without it for the past nine years, but either way it will be just added to the general money at the end of every month.

ErpsKwerps Shock Sad Angry on your behalf.

I would remind your dh that if you decide to leave (and if my dh did that to me then leaving might well be on the cards) you will be entitled to half of that money anyway.

and £500 on a pair of shoes?> WTAF? Shock