to think that now my wife is working she should contribute financially and not spend all money on herself?

[mrniceguy11]

Just wanted to canvass some opinions on whether or not I'm being unreasonable with regards to my wife. She has stayed at home looking after the kids for several years while I've supported the family financially. All the money for rent, food, kids-related stuff comes out of my salary - fine. She's recently decided she wants to start working again which I've been supportive of. As a result of this, I've started doing a lot more childcare/housework, I'd say we look after the kids/house an even amount. Now that she's got a decent salary coming in though, she regards this as her "pocket money" and uses it to do whatever she likes with - go out shopping, go for expensive meals with friends. While all the money for everything else still comes out of my salary and I hardly ever spend anything on myself. I don't begrudge her treating herself but AIBU in thinking that now she's working she should contribute towards bills, food, rent? I don't earn that much more than her. I asked her about it and she says that we've always managed fine on just my salary alone and this is "extra" money she's earned so she should be able to spend it entirely on herself. I don't think I'm being unreasonable but she seems to think I'm being mean and tight. Any opinions appreciated.

afford razors/tights

not aviod.

Perhaps fraudian slip on my part cos can't be arsed to shave legs today and tights would cause "leg hair pushed in wrong direction" discomfort.

YANBU op

I'd be tempted to draw to her attention how much money you would have to give her if the CSA were involved. Obviously there is no way to do that without the shit hitting the fan big time, but she'd be a lot worse off I'd imagine.

Agree that your wife should contribute now she is earning.
I had been a stay at home mum for 3/4 years and recently decided to go back to work.
I get paid weekly and earn about £260. Out of this, I pay the childcare which is £150 p/w, I have also taken on the direct debit for the council tax, I now pay off my credit card and store cards myself, and spend my money before I dip into dp's bank.
He still pays all the others bills and mortgage etc, but I start the food shopping with my money before I start with his.
But, I have also started spending some money on myself too, I have bought some new clothes and been out wsith some friends, but tbh, I used to do this out of dp's money anyway.

I like to sit down on dp's pay day with his wage slip (he does alot of overtime so his pay varies month to month) and work out how much we've got coming in (my pay is the same every week as I am on a daily rate), how much needs to be paid out on bills etc and how much is left over. Out of the left over, I allocate a certain amount to credit cards etc, the with what's left, I try to put half aside for a rainy day and split the other half for me and dp to spend as we see fit. Either on ourselves or stuff the kids need.

Op sorry but it does not sound good. She is taking you for a ride.

I earn allot, this month alone I paid myself 8k but my wife is a SAHM looking after our 2 1/2 boys. I have had my business partner say to me "just give wife monthly money to live, rent bills etc and keep the rest" (this was after me discussing needing a joint decision on a car i want).
My reply was, Fuck off, my wife works harder looking after my very boisterous boys and desserves full access to all JOINT FAMILY MONEY.

I havent read the whole thread. but I'm pretty sure if I say 'what everyone else said' that would cover it. As in

EARNINGS(a + b) = FAMILY POT

Frivolous Spending Money(a OR b) = (FAMILY POT - (ALL BILLS and ESSENTIALS and SAVINGS))

Leave the bastard bitch

We dont do the pot because DH earns more than me. If we split a bill 50/50 its all my wages gone, so really Im paying more because Im giving everything I have.

We do it by %. He pays 75% I pay 25% because thats the diff in our wages.

elisadoeslittle - seems a fair way to do things but would it not be fairer to put EVERYTHING in a pot, pay all bills etc then spilt the difference 50/50?

YANBU... She is BVU...

My OH got paid yesterday and it ALL got transferred into my account as that is where all the bills go out of. He then promptly declared he had to have a new set of headphones for his computer so off he went with my bank card to PC World. 1 account, 1 family pot that is used for everything.

MrSpoc - well done, it is great to hear how much you appreciate what your wife does!

Guiding principle - equal money to spend on discretionary items - once all household essentials purchased (including childcare) - agreed savings for pension/short term/long term goals.

However I have some other thoughts:

We do get these DHs coming here so that all us lovely ladies can praise them and tell them "YANBU"....

She has stayed at home looking after the kids for several years while I've supported the family financially.

Nope - actually she was also supporting the family financially by looking after them and enabling you to work.

Key question - who is paying for the childcare?? And why the hell no one else has asked this I do not know.

I'd say we look after the kids/house an even amount. - Really, really - what about all the planning activities etc. Can you check out this list. Also why is this relevant to this discussion - is it so you get us "on side"?

I was intending on showing her this thread, provided people thought I was being reasonable.

My wife always has had the tendency to be a bit selfish. Not a nice thing to say... What will she say when she sees this?

Are you sure that everything that she is buying out of her income is for her - eg DC clothes?

MrSpoc, 2 1/2 boys??

forkful - Wow you have an axe to grind.

Ur either very sexist or hate men to come up with that bollocks (unless you are the other half and have more to add, then i appologise).

Just because he is a man (on a parents site) you do not belive he is telling the trueth.

With regards to child care, i assume he pays for it cause all his money currently goes on the house hold bills. Is this hard to understand.

chipmonkey - One nearly here.

I think the OP said they had 3 kids. Childcare for 3 kids (even school age kids) is going to be a huge amount of money. Where I live, that would be at least £1,000 a month during term time, plus more for holiday clubs. Who is paying for childcare? I only ask this because many people do not consider childcare a household bill, particularly if they have not paid it in the past.

So if the OP is paying for the childcare, then he has a lot less money each month than he did before his wife was working. Alternatively, if his wife is paying the childcare, she may have very little money left from her wage.

I know my neighbour is returning to work and has 2 preschool kids. After she has paid her childcare, she has £25 a month left, which is less than the cost of her travel to work. So she isn't contributing anything to household bills, she is just paying the new childcare bill, and will still have to have money from her husband to buy anything else she needs or wants.

YANBU. You should both have your own account, which your salaries are paid into and also a joint 'housekeeping account' which you both agree a standing order to be paid in to automatically from your own accounts on payday. So the balance in your own account is your 'disposable income'. DH and me have always done this, and although the SO to the joint account has varied for each of us from time to time depending on earnings, all household/children expenses come out of it and there is never any argument about what we each spend the bit left in our own accounts on. The hard bit is the initial agreement. We did it by doing a monthly list of household expenses and then dividing into 2 proportions the same as our salary proportions.
For example: if you earn £2000 net per month, and DH/W earns £1000 per month, then you earn 2/3 of the total income and he earns 1/3 of the total income.
So if your household exp are £900 per month, you pay 2/3 (£600) in and he pays 1/3 (£300) in. Easy and fair.

I don't think this is about sexism. I think it about asking the OP for specifics, which people usually do on MN when asking about money. If he is paying for all childcare and other bills, and he used to have money left over each month for his wife to buy designer clothes and have trips out, it is reasonable to suppose that he earns in excess of £2,500 after tax a month. It seems unlikely that his wife, having many years out of the workplace is also on this salary. For all we know he could be on £4,000 and she could be on £200 a month, or alternatively, they could both be on £1,500. Without knowing some rough figures, it is hard to jump in and make a judgement.

YANBU, and I don't think it's at all 'underhand' that you ask on here. Mumsnet is for everybody, not whoever 'got here first'. Nor is it out of order to say she is selfish if she is being selfish. And she does sound selfish.

Money is family money. It all goes into a pot, then once everything is accounted for, the remainder should be divided equally. That's not happening at the moment, and it needs addressing.

I don't get yours and mine money an yours and mine accounts

Twhen you get married two become one you should only have one joint account and if you don't trust you other half you should rethink your marriage

He said she erned nearly as much as him.

If she earns the equivalent of somebody who is paying all bills including childcare and has income left over, then she must a couple of thousand a month. Is it possible she is saving a lot of it up? Maybe to build up the pension she didn't save for when being a SAHM, or maybe to leave?

YULEingFanjo, no it's not me. As I said earlier, I have a straight joint account with my partner.

What's mine is hers and what's hers is hers....this just makes it quicker!

I am not the other half.

My DH would never never come here to invade my space.

Mr Spoc - sorry I don't see what in my post can possibly be construed as "an axe to grind". bloody hell have you never been in AIBU whole place is full of axes grinding

My first sentence of my first post sets out very clearly my position.

The childcare bill is the key key issue that we don't know here.

I have also queried why the OP is even mentioning chores/childcare etc. The thread is about finances. I do suspect that OP has said it in order to endear himself to the "we will tell a man that he is NBU without even querying anything let alone worry about why a man would come and use a site his wife uses in this way brigade".

OK if I have an axe to grind it is is DHs thinking they can come and prove to their wives that the MNers think they are right - bit like going and asking a DWs friends behind their back no?

It would be very very surprising to me if a woman who has recently changed from a SAHM to a WAHM is suddenly now not doing more than her share of housework and childcare. Statistically very unlikely. Doesn't mean it's not true through. Depends - which is why I asked OP to look at the list I linked to.

Although now we are on the topic I can throw in the other guiding principle which is "equal leisure time".

With regards to child care, i assume he pays for it cause all his money currently goes on the house hold bills. Is this hard to understand. - Yes it is very very hard to understand where all this £££ for childcare has suddenly come from - see Milly R's post.

is suddenly now not doing more than her fair share

I.E - most WAHM do more than their fair share.