to think that now my wife is working she should contribute financially and not spend all money on herself?

[mrniceguy11]

Just wanted to canvass some opinions on whether or not I'm being unreasonable with regards to my wife. She has stayed at home looking after the kids for several years while I've supported the family financially. All the money for rent, food, kids-related stuff comes out of my salary - fine. She's recently decided she wants to start working again which I've been supportive of. As a result of this, I've started doing a lot more childcare/housework, I'd say we look after the kids/house an even amount. Now that she's got a decent salary coming in though, she regards this as her "pocket money" and uses it to do whatever she likes with - go out shopping, go for expensive meals with friends. While all the money for everything else still comes out of my salary and I hardly ever spend anything on myself. I don't begrudge her treating herself but AIBU in thinking that now she's working she should contribute towards bills, food, rent? I don't earn that much more than her. I asked her about it and she says that we've always managed fine on just my salary alone and this is "extra" money she's earned so she should be able to spend it entirely on herself. I don't think I'm being unreasonable but she seems to think I'm being mean and tight. Any opinions appreciated.

In a modern relationship it's my view that finances should be joint. Neither partner should squirrel money away for spending purely on themselves unless by prior agreement. Not very many families have enough money coming that they do not need every penny kept in full view. I feel that anybody who is unwilling to share awareness of their finances with their partner may have things to hide. Of course it is not fair of your DW to spend all her money on herself. I hope that once you've had a chat with her about it, and she's got over the interesting novelty of earning her own money she will realise what she's doing is not right. Having said all that, who pays for the childcare while she works? That is never cheap.

Most of the responses are saying that the OP is not being unreasonable; I started to count but gave up at about 13 'YANBU' type responses. Someone has also referred to the OP's wife as a female cocklodger. I don't think the general response is anti-men.

It's would have, not would of by the way. I don't hate men but that makes my teeth itch.

Part of me thinks this just cannot be real. Another part thinks if is is real, then we have got just a fraction of the story.

Assuming its is (i) real and (ii) the whole story then she is more than just BU, if I were you OP I would be on my guard as I suspect something far bigger is afoot.

I can just see my DH face

"Darling, seeing as how you're the man, I'm keeping all of my salary to spend on me"

Yes, that'd go down well.........

I have to say I find it really surprising that your wife is earning such a huge amount of money stright back into the work place. Presumably when she gave up work you were the higher earner and this is why she was the SAH parent? Yet she can take a few years out and coem back into the workforce at just slightly less than your salary?
I am a qualified accountant and was at management level when I became a SAHM. I earned slightly less than DH at this time. I plan to go back to work next year and there is no way I will be anywhere near his salary. I will still earn a very decent wage but it will almost all be absorbed by the following

1. childcare, 2) a cleaner to do the housework I will no longer be doing and 3) payments into a pension to make up for the years I missed (DHs pension is in his name only). I know 2) may not apply for everyone but how are you and DW meeting costs 1) and 3)? There is no justification for your wife blowing all her salary on expensive meals and expecting you to foot the family bills but I am surprised she has the amount of disposable income you suggest. I would suggest this is unusual for someone returning to the work place with young kids.

I still want the OP to come back and explain.

I don't think this thread is sexist. If a female OP came on here and said her DH spent the equivalent of a large salary purely on himself every month, people would be making all manner of accusations about drugs, drinking and various other addictions. It is implausible that somebody is spending 2 grand or so a month on a few nights out with their friends, unless their nights out are spent putting huge bets on cage fighting or something. There is nothing sexist in wanting to know where on earth all the money is going.

And Mr Spoc, I don't know what kind of pension you have that makes it joint with your wife, but I don't think this is what everyone has. If DH dies before me, I would get only a small part of his pension. Women really do need their own pensions.

There is zero doubt in my mind that the wife started this pretending to be husband and hopes we would all say how reasonable she is being so that she could show thread to husband... #backfiredplans

Why has Op not come back.

I want to hear her side of this.