to think that now my wife is working she should contribute financially and not spend all money on herself?

[mrniceguy11]

Just wanted to canvass some opinions on whether or not I'm being unreasonable with regards to my wife. She has stayed at home looking after the kids for several years while I've supported the family financially. All the money for rent, food, kids-related stuff comes out of my salary - fine. She's recently decided she wants to start working again which I've been supportive of. As a result of this, I've started doing a lot more childcare/housework, I'd say we look after the kids/house an even amount. Now that she's got a decent salary coming in though, she regards this as her "pocket money" and uses it to do whatever she likes with - go out shopping, go for expensive meals with friends. While all the money for everything else still comes out of my salary and I hardly ever spend anything on myself. I don't begrudge her treating herself but AIBU in thinking that now she's working she should contribute towards bills, food, rent? I don't earn that much more than her. I asked her about it and she says that we've always managed fine on just my salary alone and this is "extra" money she's earned so she should be able to spend it entirely on herself. I don't think I'm being unreasonable but she seems to think I'm being mean and tight. Any opinions appreciated.

Yes - let's get the OP's wife on here!

I have gone back to work PT. We work out how much disposable is left after all bills and groceries are paid and split it between us but most of that goes on family stuff anyway. As my earnings go up, it all goes into the same pot. She is totally BU.

I know a (now ex) wife who behaved very much like your wife. What was his was theirs; what was hers was hers. Her grasping nature really came out in the divorce when she tried to trade contact time with their child for more money. I can't believe I used to be friends with her. (Incidentally, I am still friends with her ex husband).

The way we arrange things is that we both pay into a joint account to cover the mortgage, bills and food shopping in proportion to our incomes. Everything else is our own, in our own accounts, to spend as we wish.

I don't think this is acceptable. All money should go in to one pot and rent, food, bills money taken out of the joint amount. You should then have an equal amount of pocket money left in your own account afterwards.

We have a joint credit card to buy stuff for the kids which is paid off by the initial "one pot" amount at the start of the month. We do this because I tend to buy more for the kids than he does so not fair for it to come out of my account.

He still insists on paying when we go for dinner but that's just his little way, I don't expect it.

Neither of us would feel right having all the luxuries while the other didn't.

Your wife is being mean to you.

I won't even go on to explain our finances it is way to complicated but DH always makes sure that I have plenty of money to spend on myself ( I work full time and I am more than happy to throw that money into the pot) I just wish DH would spend money on himself and the things he enjoys.

Your wife though needs to think about how the whole family unit can benefit from her working not just herself otherwise she may as well be a single women with no ties or responsibilites.

Just a quick question, we have a regular poster here called NiceGuy2. You're not him are you?

Of course YANBU.

I can understand that she is enjoying having some money of "her own" but she is being totally selfish.

As PP have said you need to sit down and discuss finances and a contribution from her based on what she is earning.

Perhaps she doesn't realise how much bills etc are and thinks you can cover it easily?

Incidentally are you paying for child care or a children school age?

I am going back to work after mat leave and DP has pretty much covered everything - we have "managed" but I will be contributing when I go back, it wouldn't even occur to me not to.

Family finances should come first for both partners.

YADNBU. She is totally taking you for granted.

'You're the man darling, it's your job to provide' is just a kind of reverse sexism. She'd like the benefits of feminism - working and earning power - but without any of the responsibility of being a provider. And meanwhile you, as a man, are expected to stay in your gendered role of provider, with zero opportunity to break out (eg by being SAHP for a bit) so you can underwrite her 'liberation'. She's exploiting you, childishly and selfishly, and providing fodder for a slew of antifeminist MRA dickwads into the bargain. She needs to grow the fuck up.

YANBU. Now your wife is earning she should be contributing to the family finances.

Open a joint account for all the household bills. Depending on the ratio of your earnings, work out what each of you should be paying. After that, take a look at what is left and work out what is fair for contributing to holidays, children's activities etc.

I don't think it's even relevant if the OP can cover everything easily himself. They are both working and should be contributing.

MNers tend to use the term "cocklodger" to describe men who behave like the OP's wife.

SHE IS BEING OUT OF ORDER, SELFISH AND GREEDY

if shes just started work shes probebly just really enjoying spending some money on herself without having to ask you for it..

But nows the time to say why dont we use your wages so we both benefit, double any savings contributions you might have, and youl both be better off.

God she's lucky she's got all that left over.I didn't work for a while but then we've supported each other off and on over the years when studying at different times.It's team work.

We have a joint account so share everything which makes it easier,could you not go down that route?You could then give yourselves both a little bit of treat money(the same amount) if there is any left over(sadly not in our case).

YANBU

I might not be able to contribute the same amount as my dh to our "pot" however I pay the top up of the childcare, all the food and xmas/birthday presents, clothes for the children etc. I don't actually physically put much into the joint account now but I do pay for lots of things which add up to about a 3rd of our joint income which is basically what I earn in comparison to him. I have also had some savings in the past and when we needed that extra money I have paid for the things that are required (big unexpected bills when we moved and some essential house renovations)
YANBU

I don't pay as much of the household bills as my husband because I don't earn as much as him. But I do contribute as significant a proportion of my income as he does 90% probably?- there's not much left over for personal spending for either of us tbh.

YANBU, OP.

I have been a student for the past five years while DP worked full time. We still paid half of everything each, which obvioulsy meant that I had very little money for 'myself' while DP had more spare cash.

Now I have a job and I can tell you that these last two/three months I have been psending left right and centre because, as someone else said up thread, it is wearing having no money of your own. Fair enough, with my wages I have bought everyone extravagant Christmas presents and not really things for me, but that is how I have always wanted to spend my money.

Here is the difference between me and your wife though - I still Always pay half. I also now do the bulk of the food shopping, even though he earns more than I do.

Have you ever sat her down and gone through the finances with her? Maybe she genuinely doesn't understand how little you have left at the end of the month for yourself and thinks that because you haven't complained in the past, it isn't an issue now?

Just to clarify, I think she is being selfish, but I hope that it is down to an ignorance on her part rather than anything else, as that way it can be solved with a proper conversation and an apology from her.

Same thing with us - all money into a joint pot, we each get the same amount as 'pocket money' out of that account, all expenses met from that account, any remainder gets swept into paying off debts or put into a savings account.

Occasionally I feel bad because he earns the majority of our money, but mostly I do the housework (when not heavily pg) and I supported him through his PhD and as long as he doesn't feel hard done by then I accept that the arrangement is fair.

Mind you, whoever said men don't spend like women is in cloud cuckoo land. My DH, bless him, races through his allowance every month on sports magazines, various hobby items, DVDs etc whilst I usually save mine up or spend it on presents for him.

OP - YANBU and your wife is a selfish cah, innit?

YANBU. DH and I don't have a joint account but we do split the bills evenly and I pay a set amount into his account every month to help cover the mortgage. I would regard blowing the whole lot on myself as completely selfish and TBH I'd prefer to stay at home with my DS than go out to work for spending money.

As an idea, I pay for:
Groceries
My mobile phone bill
1/2 the mortgage
Petrol
Savings contributions

DH pays for:
1/2 the mortgage
His mobile phone and iPad bill
Utilities: water, gas, electricity, virgin media, TV license
Insurance: car, building & contents

Anything that crops up every so often (e.g. road tax, MOT) is split between us.

YANBU

She's being unreasonable as is the above posts dh, money should be pooled and bills to be paid for equally that way everyone gets their own fair share.

YANBU but I suspect it will turn out that you are somehow

YANBU. I say that as SAHM that earns pennies from freelance writing. All money is pooled here, and anything left over is spent on whatever by whoever. We're not really that money organised.

I'm quite surprised at her behaviour because it's not as if I made her 'justify' her spending before. She just took whatever money she needed out of our joint account and I rarely asked what it went on (she did go shopping and out for meals before, just that she does it all the time now). I'm glad that she's working and has more money to spend. Of course in general I spend less on myself than she does (I just don't want that many things) but it seems that she has a whole income for one just person while I'm splitting mine between her and three kids. Thanks again for all advice. I will talk to her again.

I don't earn, but all money is joint. If I were to start working, my salary would go into the joint account, as DH's does...to be used by both of us. When I used to tutor all the money (declared vai tax return before ayone jumps on me) went into a pot, which we saved and used for a family holiday.

YANBU

I only work 15 hours a week but I still pay for things like food and stuff for the children and I do all the work at home. My husband pays for most things but he earns a lot more than me.

I wish the money I earned could all be mine but unfortunately when you are part of a family things just aren't like that.

You need to sit down and have a long talk to her about being reasonable.

There was the perfect set up outlined in a thread some time ago.

Both parties should have the same amount of disposable income for personal use.

So basically regardless of the disparity of income, once outogings are paid both spouses have the same amount of money availble to them for hobbies, leisure actitvies, personal purchases or additional savings.

That way nobody is left feeling lke the poor relation while thebother whoops it up and it avoids a power inbalance or one partner always being the "generous" one cos they can afford to treat kids/family members while the other scrimps and saves just to aviod razors or tights etc.

Sit down and work out total incoming, total outgoing and then divvy the left over between the two of you.

Present plan and any reasonable spouse will accept it becuase it is fundamentally fair and offers the healthiest dynamic in a relationship.