to think that now my wife is working she should contribute financially and not spend all money on herself?

[mrniceguy11]

Just wanted to canvass some opinions on whether or not I'm being unreasonable with regards to my wife. She has stayed at home looking after the kids for several years while I've supported the family financially. All the money for rent, food, kids-related stuff comes out of my salary - fine. She's recently decided she wants to start working again which I've been supportive of. As a result of this, I've started doing a lot more childcare/housework, I'd say we look after the kids/house an even amount. Now that she's got a decent salary coming in though, she regards this as her "pocket money" and uses it to do whatever she likes with - go out shopping, go for expensive meals with friends. While all the money for everything else still comes out of my salary and I hardly ever spend anything on myself. I don't begrudge her treating herself but AIBU in thinking that now she's working she should contribute towards bills, food, rent? I don't earn that much more than her. I asked her about it and she says that we've always managed fine on just my salary alone and this is "extra" money she's earned so she should be able to spend it entirely on herself. I don't think I'm being unreasonable but she seems to think I'm being mean and tight. Any opinions appreciated.

I should think he's mentioned chores etc because he is feeling justifiably hard done by. A household chore imbalance isn't unusual, I know a couple of working parents where the man does all the housework. Unfair but true.

Forkful has beaten me to it, but I was going to say

a) I don't really know iybu or not because I only have your side. For all I know, you could have been a complete tight arse for the last 7 years and had your wife beholden to you for every penny. In which case, I would kind of understand her point of view right now.

b) Starting and THEN SHOWING her a thread you started on a site as big as MN where you describe her as always having been selfish is never going to end prettily.

All our money goes into a pot and is divided according to need-not always equal. I am largely speaking a sahm, but it has always been like this since we first owned a house together. But always discussed and reevaluated frequently. Your situation may settle down after the excitement of earning money again calms. If not, yanbu and your wife is.

I agree, who is paying the childcare?

Though, as she has been away from the workplace for 'several years' would this mean the childcare costs are minimal?

My advice would be get a joint account and pay in both salaries. Then agree an equal amount that you can afford and transfer this to your own personal accounts each month so you each have your own spending money. We did this when I was married. (note the was!!). That way it didnt matter who earnt the most.

BTW YANBU, but I expect your DW will be pissed off with this thread!

And when we married i was the high earner, so in effect I was paying the mortgage. But it seemed the fairest thing to do

Does anyone lose any sleep about DH's being pissed off with threads on here, especially if they ABU? Though not!

You state you don't earn much more than your wife, so you are saying that she earns a salary nearly equivalent to the amount needed to pay the mortgage, bills and living costs for a family of 5 and spends it all on treats for herself.

Well if that's really the case then YADNBU.

Is that really the case?

I know this is a different situation but it reminds me of a regular row with my elderly father - I held all the purse strings for both of them - mum wasnt mobile and therefore couldnt go out and spend money on herself - but dad could. So l would get their shopping in pay all their bills etc and then give dad £50 housekeeping out of what was left of their pension. Dad would insist however on referring to this money as his spending money and would save it up - if they ran out of anything for the house he would just badger me for it or wait till l brought their next weekly shop and do without till then ( meaning mum had to as well obviously ) - basically anything but go to the shop with the £50 and use it for its proper purpose. Then when he'd saved up a few hundred pounds he would go and 'treat' himself. l was forever telling him - 'Thats money for you and mum and things for the house that you run out of between your weekly shop' Drove me mad - l used to think about him as l do about your wife OP ! selfish bastard.

Just going back to an earlier post, my comment was intended to mean that maybe your wife thinks she does more, I certainly didn't mean to infer I didn't believe you, and thought I was quite supportive. The real issue seems to be financial, though. I do hope you get this resolved

She's taking the piss in no uncertain terms. Put it right now before it gets out of hand and eats away at you.

Well obviously YANBU

Based on your OP that sounds outrageously selfish and I can't imagine being in a relationship where this sort of thing went on.

Looking at the last few posts I agree with mumofthreekids that it must be an enormous amount of money that she is pissing away. Has she got into drugs or gambling or something?

I loved the part where one poster said, "i can't belive you have come here and INVADED HER SPACE".

Is this not a public space for parents by parents.

If she is on here, then maybeits the PERFECT place for her to realise how selfish she is being.

You, yes you! We're talking about you.

I love some of the justifications people are coming up with to justify it:

Best ones where:
May be she is saving to counter-act lack of pension (bearing in mind the husbands pension will be join anyway).
Husband must be lying cause he is a man
He must of been controlling with the money

OP YANBU.
My husband and I both work I make more money than him by about 40 % however when it comes to the mortgage council tax etc he pays. He specifically told me my money is my own to with as I please however I do Pay the gas bill and water bill etc.
I also buy all his clothes (he asks why i waste the cash but it makes me happy)
I think you should talk to your wife again and explain that it may make you resent her for not helping out.

Started to read the thread and my first thought was childcare costs. OP, are your children of an age where there are no such costs? Or perhaps a family member looks after your three children for free?

Mya2403 - Wow you make 40% more than your husband and he still pays for most stuff.

Suppose if your both happy about it.

dh, is that you?

Yanbu

she is takin the piss.

Mrspoc, I can't see where anyone has said 'husband must be lying because he's a man' nor 'he must have been controlling with the money'

am I not looking in the right place?

YANBU!!!
Tell her to get her wages paid into the joint account or pay half of the bills. She sounds spoilt

YULEingFanjo - there have been a few who have insinuated the remarks. Don't worry they know who they are.

But MrSpoc, people always say things like that on an AIBU. Do you really believe it's just cos the OP is a man?

Yes i do because if it was the other way around based on what has been said, everyone would of belived the female and said:

"cocklodger - leave the bastered"

Or have i got this wrong???