To wish I'd never returned to my home country? Warning: long

[WednesdayPlums]

I have name-changed for this as I think it might make me fairly identifiable.

My family and I lived in the UK until earlier this year when we moved to my country. I had lived there (the UK) for 13 years, DH is from there and DS and DD were born there. They're now 2 and 1 respectively.

I had always wanted to return home at some point and the catalyst came when my Dad, who's a widower, was very ill with bowel cancer in 2009. It was in the immediate aftermath of this that DH and I made the decision to 'emigrate'.

Fast forward 2 years and after selling our beloved family home and then renting for a couple of months, followed by a month staying with his parents, we were off to start life on the other side of the world.

We left behind our lovely, cosy family home which we were probably going to grow out of in a few years, but which was perfect for us with two little ones. We left behind two well-paying jobs. Specifically, I left behind a job I loved with a boss I adored, working from home, fantastic salary, which enabled me to be part of my children's day, giving them meals, putting them down for naps, suppling cuddles when needed, etc, etc.

We left behind an au pair sent from heaven who was a joy to live and work with. Who adored our children, made our lives so much easier and who our children loved in return. We didn't have grandparents in the country, but as she lived in, was able to provide baby-sitting whenever we needed it.

And we did need it. We left behind a great social life, enabled by said lovely au pair. I had made a good group of friends in my years there, and my DH had a huge, extended circle of friends, most of which have been around since school days. When we got together they all welcomed me into the fold and it felt like I'd known them all for years. He was the lynch-pin of the group, the one who went out of his way to stay in touch with everyone, to have everyone over regularly, and organised group nights out and get togethers. Our house was host to many late night, all-back-to-ours parties over the years. Life was great. We were not emigrating because we were in any way dissatisfied with our life there.

We have been here now nearly 7 months and I am miserable.

I am a SAHM Mum. DH was able to transfer his job, but not to the city we had planned to move to, which is where I know people and have good, old friends. Instead, we're in a city where we know hardly anyone. We have no support close by - my Dad is a 6-hour drive away.

I am struggling with the SAHM thing. I am just not cut out for it. I adore my children, but I find looking after them, at this age, hard. Squabbling, bickering, whinging and whining seems to be, feels like, the backdrop to my day. We go out every day, usually twice. We have activities and groups that we go to - they have plenty of stimulation, but not too much. They have plenty of opportunities to burn off energy, but also to be at home and potter around and relax, I am doing my best but it feels monotonous, mundane, routine, relentless. And in my time 'off', I get to clean the house!! Yay, the utter joys of being a mother and housewife......... DH pulls his weight, by the way, no issues there.

We have no social life any more. And even if we did, we don't have a baby-sitter or any family/friend support close by anyway.

DH's salary is several times the national average (he took his good London salary with him) but it is so expensive here. So much more so than I remember, and seemingly way more than it ever was in London. We're getting into debt just to live. Everything is expensive. DH took the car to get cleaned at the weekend - what would have been £8 in London, was 50 bloody dollars here. Plus he had to wait longer, and it took longer. This is symptomatic of everything.

There's also so much less choice here, which of course bumps the prices up. If you want something in the UK, you go online, do a search and you'll be able to find it, order it and have it on your doorstep in a day's time. And you don't have to mortgage your house to be able to pay for it.

Sorry - this is so long-winded if you've made it this far, well done. Each weekend we give each other half a day off, to go out and get away from it all, rest, relax, do something of our own choosing without two toddlers cramping our style. And this is the sad thing - the only highlight of our week is going off by ourselves. This isn't nice. It's not good for us, and it's not how our life was. We both of us, me especially as the SAHM need that break for our sanity, though. Plus we miss our friends. We're lonely. And going off to do our own thing only exacerbates this.

We paid thousands of pounds to move here and to ship all our belongings, furniture, car, and we're now getting into debt just to live. It feels like a disastrous mistake, but moving back would devastate my Dad. Everyone says it takes a good two years to settle in to a new city, but I still don't see how our life will be like it was in London.

I will look for a job next year, I will have to if we're not to get further and further into debt, but it depresses me to know that I won't be able to work from home as I did previously with the kids in their own home and environment every day, and I can't handle the thought of full-time nursery for my two when they're still so young.

I feel like we've made a terrible mistake and it's all my fault. DH has been amazing, but I know he misses his friends and family and our life. It feels like a drudge here, with nothing to look forward to, and no friends. And we're broke. It's crap. :(

Australia, I'm guessing. (Aussie similarly horrified by the prices when she visits from the UK)

Why don't you try thinking of it not as a permanent move but as a move that you can reverse at any time, when the time is right? It might make it a bit easier. You made the right decision to be near your Dad for now; hold onto that and don't think it has to be forever.

I'd also give it three years at least - reverse culture shock takes as long to get over, but it's worse because you're not expecting it. Coupled with becoming a SAHM no wonder you're struggling. Give yourself a break. It WILL get better.

Sorry, Weds. Feel for you.

Just bear with me - if you moved for your Dad, why are still a 6 hour drive away from him? Wsa he not the only reason you moved?

I could have written your post. After the death of my dad in 2004, we made the decision to move back to my home country. Like you my dh got a transfer with good salary etc. For 18 months after we got there I agonized and dealt with dh's unhappiness at having moved there. I knew very early on that we had made a mistake. My dh was never fully onboard with the move and the guilt and strain of that burden almost broke us up. My mother is elderly but healthy and I felt hugely responsible for her. Our kids were 3.5 and 1.5 when we moved and it was very very tough. So after struggling for over a year I felt I couldn't take the emotion of the enormity of our situation and I told my husband that I thought we should move back. It was an horrendously difficult decision to make and I dreaded it's eventuality. When our 3rd child was a year old dh got a job and we moved back to his country. It's been two years now and we have not looked back. We are absolutely in the right place. My mother visits every year for a month and is coming next week in fact! She was, and is the first to acknowledge that we needed to make this move and that we are stronger and happier for it.
So I wanted to tell you about my story to give you some encouragement Would your dh be able to get a transfer back to the original country? Is that out of the question? Also, this is harsh, but you can't base your own family decisions on your dad's happiness - its not fair on your kids or dh. And I say that with deep empathy and respect as concern for my widowed mother drove my decision to move back to my home country. We reversed our decision and have lived to tell the tale.

Yup, sounds like Oz, the price of things is horrendous.

Are you sure you are not just going through the expat steps?

I found viewing our move 'home' as just another move helped as it changed my expectations of Sydney.

I was 'homesick' for London for a while, it was very confusing.

There is nothing wrong with admitting defeat and going back to the UK.

But if it is Australia you can have a great life here, but you will need to push yourselves to get into it. 7 months is not very long.

Also guessing Australia! Many of OP's sentiments are the same as mine, esp the thing about having free time on your own. I even gave up on that eventually. I have been here 4yrs as a SAHM, returning to UK within the next 6mths, thank f**k. However, OP has not been here v long. It can take on average about 2yrs to get over culture shock whatever an emigrant's circumstances. Also I think the age of the kids is a major factor as they are still at an intensive parenting age, esp if you have no support. It took me nearly 3 yrs to find a couple of reasonable mates despite going to many groups/activities with DS.

It can feel very exhausting to have to be so self-resourceful the whole time with no friends or family. It does get easier the longer you are here as gradually you figure out how to do things more easily, but you still remain frustrated cos you know it'd be much simpler/cheaper elsewhere! No particular advice to give, just YANBU, I empathise & keep in mind a 2-yr, 3-yr, whatever review period when you can reassess your situation. & it does sound like you are doing a great job being a SAHM btw. If you go to work, have you looked into family daycare as an alternative to nursery type care? This is where no more than 4 or 5 children are looked after at a carer's home, which may be more palatable option. Whatever you do, or if you're not sure what to do, it is advisable to get on childcare waiting lists asap. If you are in Australia, you can get quite a lot of childcare fees back if you meet the obscure criteria so possibly you could get away with part-time work.

Absolutely could have written the same post - still homesick for London after four years of living here but unlike you not really able to reverse the decision. We had planned to move back if things didn't work out but got stuck by the financial crisis and a debt spiral because EVERYTHING costs more here, and my savings dried up quickly once we bought a house.
Ironically other expats that had moved back encouraged our move because they knew I wanted to stay home with babies for longer than a year's mat leave, and said we would love the affordability of where we live. Tosh.
I do think seven months is long enough to say it hasn't worked, if you are really unhappy. And not so long that you can't just pick up from where you were when you left - maybe even your old job?
FWIW, it has got better for us and we have found things to love here, but it certainly pales in comparison to how we lived in the UK and we still have a skeletal social life, whilst of course our English friends have fallen by the wayside (down to facebook contact really) after so long.

On the other hand my DD has grandparents she adores and sees every other day. Would I really have been happy for her not to have my mum around? Don't know.

It's NZ so just as expensive, salaries are even worse (assuming DH tries to get a new job) and there's even less choice and availability of stuff. :( Whenever one of DH's colleagues has to go to Oz, they always have people saying, 'can you get me this, can you get me that?' I'm sure it makes DH feel like he's living in a 3rd world country.

LineRunner - the plan was never to actually move back to my home town, ie. where my Dad lives and he knew that. It's a lovely, but very small city, the work opportunities wouldn't have been there, and I think the culture shock would have been just too great for DH, moving from bustling London. The plan was to move to my university city which I know and where I have friends, and which is a 4-hour drive for my Dad. But DH's job brought us to this city instead. It's weird for me, being home, everything being familiar-ish, but also being in a totally unfamiliar city.

Thanks so much for the replies. I feel like a spoilt brat in a sense - I have what I wanted, but it hasn't made me happy. I'm the sole reason for the move and it feels like such a mistake.

My Dad has never out any pressure on us to move, not in the slightest, but I know it has made him so happy to be close (ish!) to me and his grandchildren. They're the only grandchildren he's ever going to have as well, as my brother is gay! Plus, he's in London having a whale of a time. He would never hold us back, but likewise, the thought of telling him we're leaving would break my heart.

I know we haven't given it anywhere near long enough yet. I'm just feeling so, so low at the moment. I'm a happy, content person. I'm adaptable, and I don't demand much. I'm easily pleased, but this is the unhappiest I've ever been in my life, I think, and it just feels so wrong.

Our friends back in London all miss us. It just seems such a waste.

We're going to give this city a good year, and then move to another if need be. We're not going to just give up, no way considering how much this has cost us. The suburb we're in is beautiful. Absolutely lovely. You couldn't make it up. It has everything a young family could want. There's loads of Brits living here who LOVE it; some of whom have never even been back home since moving here. We just have to suck it up for a while.

Ispy - thanks for sharing your story. :)

I was wondering whether you were in Canada, we are finding it horribly expensive here and I'm really homesick for the uk. However I know we will return one day and I'm sure that when my toddler son gets to be a teen he'll be asking why the heck we moved :)

Ooh, I thought Australia, too. Is everywhere expensive now? If that's the case, then every other aspect hast make up for the loss of the past in some way.

In your case, though OP, I can see it's complicated by it being your wish that made the move.

I've no sensible advice as I've heard so much about how economically knackered NZ is, but this is not your problem, it's about living as a family.

It does sound as if you are in one of the stages of moving. This might help more.
I'd look for the equivalant of mother/toddler groups to start with, maybe join with the Brit expat groups too? Also look for some kind of work, even if it just covers the childcare costs it might be worth it for your mental state.
Good luck!

It ain't that expensive in NZ, I'm from there, and yes Australia is cheaper at times, but not in everything.

If you need to talk to anyone that has done similar pm me

It is very expensive here compared to the UK in my opinion. No Primark selling 3 packs of babygros for 3 pound etc, and books are hideously expensive, as are most groceries.

I moved here from the UK 5 years ago and it has taken ages to settle in - i still haven't made any real close friends that i can talk to about anything the same way i could back in the UK.

which city are you in? (if you dont mind saying)

Devonport?

Exactly Bobbish - children's clothes, books and groceries are the three most noticeable things, IMO. It's either horrible tacky stuff from the Warehouse or K-mart (which is still quadruple Primark) or ludicrously expensive children's clothing boutiques. In the UK you have plethora of middle range stuff, loads and loads to choose from.

Groceries are unbelievable. You have to buy seasonal, by default. And books, wow...

Goat, how did you guess?

I am getting out there and trying to meet people, but it takes a long time, to get to know people, let alone build up a friendship. I haven't met anyone I'd class as a kindred spirit, but, it takes time...

I've been back in NZ 2 years from London and agree it takes some adjusting and is expensive here. I don't think you can underestimate how bad reverse culture shock can be. It helps for me being in Wellington where loads of people have lived in London before so can talk to them about it and they understand

One thing that helped me was trying to set up my life so I could enjoy what NZ has to offer very easily, such as living somewhere where you can walk around town easily and get into the great outdoors. Discovering the book depository helped too!

mummytime - thanks for posting that link, it feels like we're at the mental isolation stage... DH definitely, as he has been 'trying to improve/change the culture' (i.e. pointing out flaws in the way we do things here and how it could be done better, quite a few of which I blatantly disagree with and can see he doesn't yet have a good understanding of the way a 'colonial' country with an indigenous population works; he thinks UK methods can just be applied) and comparing with it with home.

It helps to think this is maybe just a phase and that there are ways to move past it.

Penelope - yeah, that's where we were meant to go.

Reverse culture-shock. I totally underestimated it.

I'm not sure why you decided to uproot your lives like this when your did didn't even want you to move! It sounds like you've made a huge mistake on the back of a mistaken conviction.

Is there any way you can go back to London?

I've heard people say that stuff in NZ is either hideously expensive, or it falls apart before you leave the car park.

Wednesday- I think you sound like you have your head screwed on right and a good attitude. It is hard moving- probably harder moving 'back' than somewhere new IMHO. I've got a lot of pals in Devonport and although it seems like the perfect place to live, a few of them seem slightly not quite happy there tbh. I've often wondered if it is a bit competitive.

For books- get yourself a kindle. Dick Smith have them now and I love mine as it means I can buy books at UK prices. So normally less than 3 quid. I got mine from the UK and registered it to a UK bank account. For kids books I use bookdepository as they deliver free overseas.

Maybe we should organise an Auckland meet up?

howcomes in what way(s) is Canada expensive? I am always on the lookout for arguments against moving there, to be used next time DH suggests we do :o

ShengdanRoad - do you mean my father? Well, of course he wanted us to move! He just never asked us to, not expected us to. Subtle but distinct difference.

We both also wanted to. It's a beautiful country and a great place to grow up. Summer, which we're coming into, is a wonderful time to live here. I'm dying for it at this point, after two winters in a row. I'm just having a hard time adjusting.

There are things to kook forward to - Christmas at my Dad's with lots of friends and relliess home as well, DH's Mum and Dad coming for Jan and Feb (so loads of baby-sitting, plus they're great craic). I need to start focussing on it.

littlest - that could be a plan!! Are in Auckland?

I moved home and found I had to consciously shut my mouth and stop talking about the things that were better in Asia.

Nobody likes hearing their home criticised, even if you can't get a live-in maid, a restaurant meal delivered to your door, your broadband and phone connected in under an hour or a guy to come and hang your pictures for you because you can't be arsed getting out the drill.

I also moved back from London to NZ so see where you are coming from. I found some things very expensive (but other things cheaper) and that was when the pound was stronger against the NZ$ so it must feel worse now. Books are crazily expensive - think someone else has mentioned Book Depository above. It took me a good year to settle in. We have never lived in this city before and, even though I had a couple of old friends here, neither had kids and one lived on the other side of town. My husband was out working/socialising and meeting lots of people, I was at home with a newborn and it rained constantly for 6 weeks. Wished I was back working crazy hours in the City where at least I knew how things worked.

If I were you I?d give it at least until after the Summer. It wasn?t until our first Summer here that I could appreciate the good things about our new lifestyle. The things that are great about London are very different than the things that are good about living in NZ so it?s best not to make a comparison. Focus on the things that are good about NZ over the Summer ? get out to beaches, wine and food festivals, book at Bach for a weekend etc. Make it your mission to find at least one like-minded person you can hang out with (you probably have to try and then cull a few...). Put yourself out there and invite some couples with kids over for a BBQ or fish and chips in the park so you can socialise as a family rather than just you or your husband going out individually. It can be hard meeting new people when you aren?t working so maybe consider joining a Plunket/playgroup committee or similar.

If, after a few more months, you still think you would be happier back in London, do it regardless of the cost. No point in having money but being miserable. Plus, if you are able to able to work from home again in the UK it might not be so bad financially?? In a way, you are lucky that your kids are so young so you don?t have schools/sporting/music commitments/ firm friendships that would be disrupted by another move. Of course your Dad might be disappointed if you move away again but presumably he would want you to be happy. Maybe you could also lighten the blow a bit by arranging to come home for holidays regularly, flying him over, meeting him halfway (time and cost involved but it?s kind of like a tax you have to pay if you live halfway round the world from your family I guess).

Anyway, all the best with whatever you decide.

Haha! Well if you're surrounded by Brits you have to be on Auckland's north shore

and the only really SPECTACULAR suburb there is Devonport.

I hear you... feeling the same way - SAHM here, after leaving what now seems like a giddily cosmopolitan London working and social life ;)

I actually don't shop here. I order EVERYTHING online from England (okay, not groceries!) and it is sooooo much cheaper even including delivery (which places like Next don't even charge!).

When we go back to England on holiday even my DH wants to move back (and he is from here originally).