To wish I'd never returned to my home country? Warning: long

[WednesdayPlums]

I have name-changed for this as I think it might make me fairly identifiable.

My family and I lived in the UK until earlier this year when we moved to my country. I had lived there (the UK) for 13 years, DH is from there and DS and DD were born there. They're now 2 and 1 respectively.

I had always wanted to return home at some point and the catalyst came when my Dad, who's a widower, was very ill with bowel cancer in 2009. It was in the immediate aftermath of this that DH and I made the decision to 'emigrate'.

Fast forward 2 years and after selling our beloved family home and then renting for a couple of months, followed by a month staying with his parents, we were off to start life on the other side of the world.

We left behind our lovely, cosy family home which we were probably going to grow out of in a few years, but which was perfect for us with two little ones. We left behind two well-paying jobs. Specifically, I left behind a job I loved with a boss I adored, working from home, fantastic salary, which enabled me to be part of my children's day, giving them meals, putting them down for naps, suppling cuddles when needed, etc, etc.

We left behind an au pair sent from heaven who was a joy to live and work with. Who adored our children, made our lives so much easier and who our children loved in return. We didn't have grandparents in the country, but as she lived in, was able to provide baby-sitting whenever we needed it.

And we did need it. We left behind a great social life, enabled by said lovely au pair. I had made a good group of friends in my years there, and my DH had a huge, extended circle of friends, most of which have been around since school days. When we got together they all welcomed me into the fold and it felt like I'd known them all for years. He was the lynch-pin of the group, the one who went out of his way to stay in touch with everyone, to have everyone over regularly, and organised group nights out and get togethers. Our house was host to many late night, all-back-to-ours parties over the years. Life was great. We were not emigrating because we were in any way dissatisfied with our life there.

We have been here now nearly 7 months and I am miserable.

I am a SAHM Mum. DH was able to transfer his job, but not to the city we had planned to move to, which is where I know people and have good, old friends. Instead, we're in a city where we know hardly anyone. We have no support close by - my Dad is a 6-hour drive away.

I am struggling with the SAHM thing. I am just not cut out for it. I adore my children, but I find looking after them, at this age, hard. Squabbling, bickering, whinging and whining seems to be, feels like, the backdrop to my day. We go out every day, usually twice. We have activities and groups that we go to - they have plenty of stimulation, but not too much. They have plenty of opportunities to burn off energy, but also to be at home and potter around and relax, I am doing my best but it feels monotonous, mundane, routine, relentless. And in my time 'off', I get to clean the house!! Yay, the utter joys of being a mother and housewife......... DH pulls his weight, by the way, no issues there.

We have no social life any more. And even if we did, we don't have a baby-sitter or any family/friend support close by anyway.

DH's salary is several times the national average (he took his good London salary with him) but it is so expensive here. So much more so than I remember, and seemingly way more than it ever was in London. We're getting into debt just to live. Everything is expensive. DH took the car to get cleaned at the weekend - what would have been £8 in London, was 50 bloody dollars here. Plus he had to wait longer, and it took longer. This is symptomatic of everything.

There's also so much less choice here, which of course bumps the prices up. If you want something in the UK, you go online, do a search and you'll be able to find it, order it and have it on your doorstep in a day's time. And you don't have to mortgage your house to be able to pay for it.

Sorry - this is so long-winded if you've made it this far, well done. Each weekend we give each other half a day off, to go out and get away from it all, rest, relax, do something of our own choosing without two toddlers cramping our style. And this is the sad thing - the only highlight of our week is going off by ourselves. This isn't nice. It's not good for us, and it's not how our life was. We both of us, me especially as the SAHM need that break for our sanity, though. Plus we miss our friends. We're lonely. And going off to do our own thing only exacerbates this.

We paid thousands of pounds to move here and to ship all our belongings, furniture, car, and we're now getting into debt just to live. It feels like a disastrous mistake, but moving back would devastate my Dad. Everyone says it takes a good two years to settle in to a new city, but I still don't see how our life will be like it was in London.

I will look for a job next year, I will have to if we're not to get further and further into debt, but it depresses me to know that I won't be able to work from home as I did previously with the kids in their own home and environment every day, and I can't handle the thought of full-time nursery for my two when they're still so young.

I feel like we've made a terrible mistake and it's all my fault. DH has been amazing, but I know he misses his friends and family and our life. It feels like a drudge here, with nothing to look forward to, and no friends. And we're broke. It's crap. :(

I would say that 7 months is a really short time.

You live in the best suburb ever (I dream of living in Devonport!) but making friends is so hard when you have kids.

It's a hard one. It's all very well to join coffee groups etc but you can just end up making small talk and then missing your crowd in London even more! I'd say just make it you mission to meet as many people as possible. Grit your teeth and chat to everybody! Give it time. I know it's really hard.

Or else just move to Gisborne.

Two winters in a row is an absolute killer. We did the same and it was miserable. I bet you are used to luxuries like heating now too :-)

Definitely give it a bit longer though. I think setting yourself a target to stay a while, then make a decision can be helpful. I agree with whoever said it was hard to make pals when you have kids. You just don't have the spare time and money to build friendships in the same way.

We went back for a visit after about 18 months and I expected to have a strong reaction - either to be desperate to move back or to feel like NZ was it forever. Actually, both the UK and NZ are great places to live and we're very lucky to have the choice. NZ works for us for now but we do miss our old pals. But they will still be there in 2/3 years and we'd slot back in easily. The Uk isn't going anywhere and I reckon we'll probably ping pong. I don't see that as a failure, just the way the world is these days.

Remember the weather yesterday? Get ready for 4 months of that :-)

We live near Mission Bay - can probably see you but a bit of a drive. Could meet at the new Wynyard Quarter though. The playground there looks awesome. Anyone else fancy it?

Oh, butterbut- I mean't to ask: where do you get your kids toys from? I'd like to order a few things for DD for Xmas but amazon delivery seems a bit complicated.

feck, butternut....

Sorry you're feeling so homesick for the UK. You obviously left a very good life there.

I know two couples who started off in Devonport when they moved back to NZ (one Brit couple, one Kiwi couple moving back after years in the UK - presumably not you though ) and they both said they actually found it quite cliquey and difficult to meet people there.

Wednesday can't write much but I so feel for you! We were posted abroad a few years ago and although we'd lived abroad before and loved it, that particular move was so tough, and I was so unhappy for so long. The biggest adjustment was to go from having a job I enjoyed and a good social life to suddenly being a sahm. I honestly hated it and felt so guilty for hating it. Your dc as so small and close in age, making it very demanding. That is something you get used to though, definitely the more time you do it the easier it gets (and more boring and repepetitive in a banging your head against the wall kind of way!)

But 7 months is nothing, to me that just about when one starts settling in, you've (probably) got all your stuff, reorganised it, settled in and now you're looking around you at this blank wall of time to fill in front of you (with to squabbling dcs).

It will get better with time though, I found the most important thing to be meeting a few people to hang out with on the same wave-length as you, and that does not happen overnight (Especially when surrounded by expats on ridiculous salaries!)

By the time you get a job you might feel differently about childcare and you might be more integrated and in a better position to find a part-time job or job that suits you,

I hope you manage a mumsnet meet up, I wish I'd known about mumsnet when I moved!

Don't be down hearted eventually you'll find a way to make the best of it.

I've namechanged for this post, cause I am very identifiable on here, but I wanted to reply to your post.

DH and I moved to Canada coming up to two years now. Not a lovely city like Vancoouver, but a more edgy one, a fairly big one, but still... DH's family is from around here, not close, but not as far as England. So we get the in-laws visiting every four months, as opposed to once every two years or so.

I became a SAHM after working. I loved my job in England. It was very similar to what you described, fabulous boss, good money, good life all round. While DH and I were both 'outsiders' in England, we still managed a fairly good life.

I did not know a soul when we moved to this city. I HATED it here. Its cold (think -45), its a sprawl, its a cliquey place, sickeningly right wing sometimes, I get mistaken for being the nanny half the time, and essentially not a place I loved.

The winter was HARSH. Snow up to my waist, hardly any way to get out with toddler DD, groceries are brutally expensive, eating out is too, airlines, mobile phone, cable TV, internet, don't even get me started. When we moved we both took a massive income cut, that's how much DH wanted to move. So of course, hardly any travel, no real holidays (other than in-laws place) etc.

All this rambling has a point though, and the point is... well, I survived. I survived the crushing boredom, the horrendous winter, the crazy prices, the vastly different lifestyle. I am still adjusting, but I am beginning to make good friends, have a social life, getting to know things. I still haven't got a job, but I am actually enjoying my life and my freedom more. Also, I am beginning to make my own culture. Movies, books, ballet, shopping (we do live in the city of one of the largest malls in Canada, lol)

The point is you haven't given yourself enough time. I don't know, have you tried doing a blog? Mine offered me a huge way out of the everyday boredom, and actually led me to meeting people, who are becoming good friends. That, and DD's preschool, which means I've met several other mums who I've actually become good friends with. The key is persistence.

I like to put it like this. The first year, I sat at home and moaned. The second year, I kicked myself in the butt and got going, met people, smiled at strangers on the bus, and cleaned out neighbour's gardens. And finally I now can't imagine going back to the UK, even though I would love to go back and visit someday.

Hi Wednesday, just wanted to say welcome home. I've to-ed and fro-ed a couple of times now and completely sympathise with you. It is so, so hard to adjust each time. I think NZ cities, if anything, are harder than the UK after a certain age because people tend to have friend and family sets established and it can be difficult to break into those circles.

You will make new friends over time though. 7 months is really early days. In the meantime, could you perhaps:

• join PlayCentre as a way of getting to know other parents and to get out of the house?
• join any Plunket or other playgroups in the area?
• arrange some meet-ups with your old uni friends? Look out for grab-a-seat deals on Air NZ tickets for a cheap weekend away.
• take some time out over xmas to spend as a family and recharge your batteries? Even if its just camping, the break and sunshine might help.

As you've probably picked up by now, there are quite a few NZ MNetters scattered around the country (I'm in Wellington). Keep posting and hopefully more will stop by for a chat!

I really really feel for you. I've ended up here in Auckland in a slightly different way. I came on holiday, fell into an enjoyable job, met a Kiwi and stayed. However, I have definitely not emigrated - as far as I'm concerned, I live here for now. I never meant to stay and I certainly didn't expect to have babies too.

I have been back home to England (for that is how I still see it, despite 7 years out here now) at least 6 times now and on the most recent trip, we took our then 15 month old twins. I nearly cried about how cheap the clothes, books and toys for them were compared to here. You're absolutely right about the comparison between clothing etc at Primark and the Warehouse. One of the other things that's got me the most is the total lack of healthy toddler snacks and pre-prepared meals, please note, I normally cook all of their meals, but it was FAB to go into Tesco and get some Organix or other jars to have if we'd been out and about! I wrote to Organix and begged them to try to sell their products here as there is just NOTHING, but they just told me to order online from them.

I was totally and utterly devastated at leaving all of my family - I've always been like that, but having the twins has now made it even harder to leave. I did find that once I was back, it wasn't so bad, especially because the R.W.C. started the next day, but in my heart I will never stop wanting go home. This is despite everyone telling me how bad things are there.

I was fortunate to fall in with a really good group of friends, but that is because I was single - not that we led a debauched lifestyle or anything, but it was just easier without any ties. Even with the twins being 19 months old now, I think that I've only made one real Mum friend (who is in the same profession as me), whereas other people are acquaintances, with whom I would not be friends if there weren't babies in common. I can really sympathise with how hard it must be if you don't have those resources to call on.

I have had numerous discussions with a male friend of mine who was in the same position of falling into a decent job, but always hankering to go back. He yo-yoed back and forth for about 4 years, twice going back to England 'for good'. He has definitely come to the conclusion that the grass is always greener, no matter which country you are in. That said, Auckland is not a particularly exciting city in which to live ( I really struggle when people come to visit as I find myself comparing what you can do here to London or some other major cities). I know I shouldn't, but I do. When I'm by myself with the girls, I find myself down at the beach, putting shells and sand into boxes and also in the parks. We certainly don't lead a particularly exciting life.

I can't offer any advice, other than I think that my 'contentment/acceptance' of my situation is that I can always go back to England. All I can wish you is good luck and hope that the summer brings you a more favourable outlook, or at least some kind of decision about your future. XX

P.S. It is nice to know that there are fellow Mumsnetters out here.

Marking my place as this is my major dilemma: do I move back or not?

I think that you sound devestated....Ive been there too aving lived in Oz for a year when DD1 was born. I well remember the at books and clothes! I agree that you should give it until SUmmer and try to be positive...if it all goes wrong then come home. Plenty do....yes your Dad would be sad but you ned to put your family first.

To the person asking about Canada - I agree it's getting expensive. I'm from TO & was shocked by the price of things when I was there in September. A bottle of bog standard shampoo at Shoppers Drug was $13. Plus 15% tax! A 200g piece of decent cheese was $10. Even Walmart (the closest thing they have to Primark) seemed dear. Nappies & formula were on average about a third more.

My sisters confirmed that they have cut way back on food & are eating a lot more basic stuff. A house in an area I'd want to live in would now cost between $500,000 - $1 million. And that is a 3 bed family home, nothing extravagant. A small 2 bed apartment is $1500/ month rent in my old neighbourhood. Healthcare is becoming 2 tier system where you can pay extra for a quicker or enhanced service.

The only thing that still seemed reasonable was the TTC (subway)...

thelittlestkiwi ha ha I do actually have a butterbut at the moment :)

I've ordered toys from Amazon UK and they came through fine?

Otherwise I've - ahem - ordered toys from John Lewis etc and got them sent to my Mum to post here for me...so not quite as easy. John Lewis do now deliver here but not sure if they do toys or not; I know M&S don't do their toys for international delivery.

It is mainly books and clothes I order from England though, I may have been slightly disingenuous saying it was everything ;)

I totally sympathise with you.

We moved to my native Norway June 2008. We lasted three years, and returned to London this September. We have spent a fortune on two international moves, it has not been good for our work, and our children have suffered the upheaval.

I hope you manage to turn things around for yourself.

Hi Wednesday - another Kiwi here - we were in a similar situation to you, but the end result was we came back to the UK.

When I got pregnant with ds we decided to give NZ another go, we wanted ds to have the kiwi way-of-life and also we got told all the time about how bad the education system was here. I was also worried about the lack of support with a new baby as we both have no family in London. We also had great jobs, great friends and loved the multicultural feel and excitement of London. So we packed up and moved when I was seven months pregnant. At first I kind of enjoyed being back, it was Summer and the ease of getting things done, getting around and being with family was good. However after ds was born I was feeling unhappy although I didn't say that to dh, I kept on telling myself to take time to adjust, but I felt homesick for London. After about a year, I said to dh in a half-joking way that I would like to go back to the UK - he said he felt the same. So we quietly started looking at how our finances would work out, where we could stay, jobs etc. On top of that we had other reasons to go - I had a career in the UK that wasn't available in NZ, and my dh and mum were not getting on well at all (she can be very difficult and my dh doesn't like being told what to do..)and it was putting a real strain on all of our relationships.

So we sold our house that we had bought, our car, possessions and came back here when ds was 18 months old and I can honestly say that I have never regretted it - even though it was hard for a while. I still miss NZ sometimes, and I really miss my dad too, but being back here was one of the best things we did. It has taken us 3 and a bit years to get back what we had in NZ i.e. a house etc, but we would do it again.

ds has also been in childcare full time since he was 18 months - in my profession there is no option for part-time. That was a hard decision, but it has worked out really well, and now he is going to a decent school that is suprisingly like NZ in the way it educates.

So basically I wanted to show you that it can work out coming back to the UK. However I would definitely give yourself a bit longer - enjoy the Summer - and maybe then see how you feel...

And it's raining. Again.

November has been so bleak. Yes, Sunday was lovely. But otherwise is has been grey. Warm (not hot), but grey, windy, drizzling, rainy. When is summer going to come? :( I feel like we're in negative equity - the weather is meant to be the bonus, the upside to being here, and yet this eternal autumn/winter/autumn/winter cycle we have been living through just goes on and on.

Thanks so much everyone for the replies. It helps just to write it all down. I'm alarmed at the number of people who have given up and returned, I have to admit.

We will give it a good two years, no doubt about that. I just feel so low, though. Writing about it has helped, but I feel as miserable as yesterday.

December is round the corner and the weather is meant to stablise. So everyone says. For those not from here, it's a very small country geographically, but the weather varies hugely from region to region. And Auckland, being sub-tropical, gets a lot of rain.

Thanks again to all of you - it helps to know that this isn't a unique experience.

My kids were swimming in the sea yesterday! It was sunny here - maybe we're in some weird west Auckland micro-climate (though I'm sure west Auckland is meant to get MORE rain than everywhere else )

Primafacie - so far the only things I've found to be cheaper in Canada is seasonal fruit and veg. Groceries are at least 30% dearer than in the uk and you don't have the same range eg basics or finest or free range or organic etc, the non brand items are only a few cents cheaper than the big brands so it's hard to make any savings. Free range organic is really only available from specialist stores at usually eyewatering prices.

Electronics tend to be twice the price for half the quality and don't get me started on prices for cable tv, Internet or mobile phone packages as they are astronomical compared to uk. Check out amazon.ca compared to the uk or .com versions and you'll see there is hardly any choice. Car insurance is anywhere from 4 - 10 times the price of the uk though petrol is cheaper.

I've also found eating out, buying nappies, shoes, clothes, actually pretty much everything is way dearer here. Dental costs are scary, my husband has insurance cover for dental from his employer, $1500 per year which is apparently pretty generous however his first check up with xrays and a clean has already amounted to $1100 and he hasn't had any treatment yet!

I could go on but it gets too depressing! On the plus side libraries are fab here and in the summer there are some really good free facilities such as open air pools and splashpads for little ones.

i thought australia (i have just recently been was so shocked at how expensive it is, far more so than when i lived there)

why not give yourself a time say in 6 months time to make the decision to make a go of it or leave. could be that you decided to come back, its alwyas better to do something than want to do it and never try even if it does not work out.

i lived in australia for a year so many people have said to me why didn't you stay i would love to live there, i had a great time but i missed life in london, its a different life there it can be great but it is here too jsut different. my friend (who wedding we went to recently in byron bay) is thinking about returning here she is just not settling back into life out there

I knew it would be Auckland -though I have to say it was very hot and sunny at my house yesterday. It must be very difficult being caught between two places I hope given some time you feel more settled.

Not quite the same- but it took me two years to grow to love life in America, at first it was a big shock. It would have been far worse if I had loved life back home, too. I'd try to stick it a full year if you can...

It is hard to return "home", when home is actually the place you left behind. I found it really hard coming back to NZ, and came to the realisation that the place I had really grown up was back in Blighty. Physically, I grew up in NZ, but emotionally, and mentally, it was the UK.

I took 3 years before I didn't pine for my old life. My kids were 2.5 and 10 months when we moved back. I threw myself into the Playcentre thing, which was OK, but it took a while before I found people who were really friends, rather than people who were in a convenient spot. We initially lived in the suburbs, and it was hard as there wasn't really people around there during the day. We moved out to a beach area, on the outskirts of Auckland. The sea helped a bit, but life has been financially more challenging here.

Be kind to yourself. The ages of your kids are a challenge, and it can feel like a total grind. xx

I agree about the ages of your dcs - looking after a 2yr old and a 1 yr old can be relentless and repetitive, no matter how much you adore them, if you don't have much of a support network around for a bit of adult company. It sounds like you had a fantastic Holy-Grail-of-jobs in the UK so I'm not surprised you miss that too. It will I'm sure get a bit less relentless as they grow older. As much as I have always adored my dd1 life is a lot more interesting now she is 4 and we can walk round the museum (for example) and talk about the exhibits together. My 1 yr old on the other hand just destroys my house on a daily basis (though of course I adore her too)

is there a 'local' thread for New Zealanders/Wellington on Mumsnet? I'm surprised how many kiwis there seem to be on here!

Another plug for Playcentre. It really helped me to feel part of the community (though you do need to be prepared to get involved) when we moved to Auckland from the UK. The Playcentre at Narrowneck is fab (though sadly we had to move city so we are not there now). Lots of the parents seem to make strong friendships through Playcentre links......it's not just about the children!