To wish I'd never returned to my home country? Warning: long

[WednesdayPlums]

I have name-changed for this as I think it might make me fairly identifiable.

My family and I lived in the UK until earlier this year when we moved to my country. I had lived there (the UK) for 13 years, DH is from there and DS and DD were born there. They're now 2 and 1 respectively.

I had always wanted to return home at some point and the catalyst came when my Dad, who's a widower, was very ill with bowel cancer in 2009. It was in the immediate aftermath of this that DH and I made the decision to 'emigrate'.

Fast forward 2 years and after selling our beloved family home and then renting for a couple of months, followed by a month staying with his parents, we were off to start life on the other side of the world.

We left behind our lovely, cosy family home which we were probably going to grow out of in a few years, but which was perfect for us with two little ones. We left behind two well-paying jobs. Specifically, I left behind a job I loved with a boss I adored, working from home, fantastic salary, which enabled me to be part of my children's day, giving them meals, putting them down for naps, suppling cuddles when needed, etc, etc.

We left behind an au pair sent from heaven who was a joy to live and work with. Who adored our children, made our lives so much easier and who our children loved in return. We didn't have grandparents in the country, but as she lived in, was able to provide baby-sitting whenever we needed it.

And we did need it. We left behind a great social life, enabled by said lovely au pair. I had made a good group of friends in my years there, and my DH had a huge, extended circle of friends, most of which have been around since school days. When we got together they all welcomed me into the fold and it felt like I'd known them all for years. He was the lynch-pin of the group, the one who went out of his way to stay in touch with everyone, to have everyone over regularly, and organised group nights out and get togethers. Our house was host to many late night, all-back-to-ours parties over the years. Life was great. We were not emigrating because we were in any way dissatisfied with our life there.

We have been here now nearly 7 months and I am miserable.

I am a SAHM Mum. DH was able to transfer his job, but not to the city we had planned to move to, which is where I know people and have good, old friends. Instead, we're in a city where we know hardly anyone. We have no support close by - my Dad is a 6-hour drive away.

I am struggling with the SAHM thing. I am just not cut out for it. I adore my children, but I find looking after them, at this age, hard. Squabbling, bickering, whinging and whining seems to be, feels like, the backdrop to my day. We go out every day, usually twice. We have activities and groups that we go to - they have plenty of stimulation, but not too much. They have plenty of opportunities to burn off energy, but also to be at home and potter around and relax, I am doing my best but it feels monotonous, mundane, routine, relentless. And in my time 'off', I get to clean the house!! Yay, the utter joys of being a mother and housewife......... DH pulls his weight, by the way, no issues there.

We have no social life any more. And even if we did, we don't have a baby-sitter or any family/friend support close by anyway.

DH's salary is several times the national average (he took his good London salary with him) but it is so expensive here. So much more so than I remember, and seemingly way more than it ever was in London. We're getting into debt just to live. Everything is expensive. DH took the car to get cleaned at the weekend - what would have been £8 in London, was 50 bloody dollars here. Plus he had to wait longer, and it took longer. This is symptomatic of everything.

There's also so much less choice here, which of course bumps the prices up. If you want something in the UK, you go online, do a search and you'll be able to find it, order it and have it on your doorstep in a day's time. And you don't have to mortgage your house to be able to pay for it.

Sorry - this is so long-winded if you've made it this far, well done. Each weekend we give each other half a day off, to go out and get away from it all, rest, relax, do something of our own choosing without two toddlers cramping our style. And this is the sad thing - the only highlight of our week is going off by ourselves. This isn't nice. It's not good for us, and it's not how our life was. We both of us, me especially as the SAHM need that break for our sanity, though. Plus we miss our friends. We're lonely. And going off to do our own thing only exacerbates this.

We paid thousands of pounds to move here and to ship all our belongings, furniture, car, and we're now getting into debt just to live. It feels like a disastrous mistake, but moving back would devastate my Dad. Everyone says it takes a good two years to settle in to a new city, but I still don't see how our life will be like it was in London.

I will look for a job next year, I will have to if we're not to get further and further into debt, but it depresses me to know that I won't be able to work from home as I did previously with the kids in their own home and environment every day, and I can't handle the thought of full-time nursery for my two when they're still so young.

I feel like we've made a terrible mistake and it's all my fault. DH has been amazing, but I know he misses his friends and family and our life. It feels like a drudge here, with nothing to look forward to, and no friends. And we're broke. It's crap. :(

Yeah! Is today okay for you WP? Lets hope this carries on!

I live in the UK - no aupair, very low income, no babysitters, no friends, no friends. Thirteen years and counting, disabled child, poor you!

Apologies, I haven't read every post but just wanted to tell OP to hang in there, it does take a good year or two to adjust and get settled in.

I'm from the UK and moved to NZ 8 years ago and my two DC were born here and there are loads of things i miss about living in the UK e.g. friends/family, shopping, choice of food (god, i miss Asda and Boots), disposable income, cultural stuff to do (museums, art galleries), also I missed the history of the UK - old buildings etc.

But there are loads of things i don't miss e.g. hour long commutes to work, tubes, tiny houses and gardens, summers which were still cold and rainy, crime rates, bad customer service. When we first moved out here i thought the grass was greener in the UK and then went back for a visit and realised that i wouldn't want to live there again.

Of course it depends where you lived in the UK but for me, i love the fact that my kids will have an outdoor, beachy lifestyle as I never had that growing up. Also, NZ winters are so mild compared to the UK, I still haven't worn anything more than a fleece in winter, my big winter jacket has never come out the wardrobe. It is expensive here in NZ, agree that maybe moving to a cheaper suburb might help you - we live in Tauranga and used to live in Christchurch and even moving up here is heaps more expensive than the south island, never mind moving from the UK.

It takes time to make new friends, your DH will make some with work, you'll meet other mums or when you work part-time you'll meet some and before you know it you'll have a social life again. Also, look into home based childcare (same price as daycare but only max 4 kids) or look at sharing a nanny maybe. You'll find that employers can be quite flexible here too, so working from home might still be an option.

Bit of a rambling post - sorry! Hope it all works out for you and you feel more settled soon. Have a good xmas too!

bugger, wrote really long post then managed to lose it.

You are not being unreasonable in feeling as though you've made a huge mistake. But possibly unreasonable to up sticks and return just yet.

I agree with other posters saying hang in there. Took me 2-3yrs to fully re-adjust and same for others I know.

Lived in London 10yrs then moved to Auckland. Home town is Chch but work options better here.

Sounds to me as though you need to

1. throw yourself into meeting ex-pat SAHMs and
2. make the most of the summer, it will happen and is magic when it does.

Adjustment is a process and a frustratingly long-winded one. Of course you are going to compare prices and experiences but ultimately it drives you (and everyone around you) nuts.

Lots of mums suggesting Playcentre. I am not a Playcentre mum, I am a daycare mum. Even when I was a SAHM my kids went to daycare part-time. I cope a lot better this way.

I love groups and the resulting coffess/friendships (Singing Rainbows, swimming, gymnastics, dance, soccer etc). I found I met a lot of like-minded parents.

Now I am working again, part-time, and I love it. Love being good at something and time without listening to the word mum at 4-second intervals.

So I guess I am trying to say that it can help to break it down into bite-sized pieces.

1. Getting into debt - do you need to re-think the spending or maybe return to work?
2. SAHM - is it for you or could you put children in daycare/get au pair part-time?
3. Shopping - Food is expensive, we all feel it. That's why everyone's growing vegetables/baking bread/raising chooks etc. Strangely it turns out to be a lot of fun!

Maybe don't buy books except from the book depository. Get well-acquainted with your library.

1. Car wash - I'm afraid you've been had. Did you go to Car-Fe? Try Shell, $13.

But really, just know you're not alone and the way you're feeling is a normal reaction to a huge change. And that you can go back.

I know, GoingForGoalWeight, to be honest, I'm surprised I haven't had a lot more people telling me to just cop on to myself, so a big thank you to everyone for being so nice and understanding.

Thanks also for all the advice and tips - they've been really helpful! And also to people just saying these feelings are normal - it is reassuring to know that.

Am just back from a meet-up with some lovely Auckland Mumsnetters - was fab to meet you all and looking forward to a beach meet some time in the New Year!!

Sorry haven't read all.

WednesdayPlums you have gone from having a lovely job to being a SAHM.
Also gone from having a live in au pair to being home alone with two babies.
Also moved away from your friends and social life.
Also moved from large international city to smaller quieter town.
etc.
No wonder you are struggling.

I don't understand why you cannot look for work now - is it a visa issue?
Nor why you can't find au pair /babysitter/childminder to allow you some free time. Taking turns at the weekend to go out to escape the kids is unusual and sad (though can understand you needing to do this but not DH).

London probably isn't a great place to live with two toddlers. Give it time - but I think you need to get out more and get a break from the DCs.

Oops - sorry, had only read to end of page 3!
Glad things are looking up WednesdayPlums.

Glad things are better Wednesday. I haven't been on MN for ages and didn't know Quint had come back to London or that Justa was heading out ...
Lovely to see names I know though.

We moved to the west of Ireland nearly 5 years ago - not so far from London as you, of course, but we had no money to go back for visits so it might as well have been a world away. I had two children under 4 and was pregnant with dd2 for a lot of that first year.

The first year was so tough. It rained for the whole of the first summer and then every day from Nov 25th to Feb 25th. You don't see people when it rains in from the Atlantic like that ... Anyway, Feb 25th is my little 'I actually love it here' anniversary.

Small children make you feel like your life has spiralled in on itself, wherever you are; giving up a big job, as I had too, is emotionally gruelling; having to go out with your 'please like me' face on every day is exhausting.

I found it helpful to remember that I'd made new starts before and found unexpected friendships. I clung to that fact with both hands. I also joined community groups as soon as I could and it's easier to make friends as the children get older and get more established.

Do hold on to your faith in yourself at a really tricky time, and do give yourself permission to have made a mistake about the move if you still feel this way in a year's time. Five years on, I can't ever imagine living anywhere else. I'm the one explaining to new people that x is y's sister-in-law's brother. I can still remember how awful those early months were though even though we had family within reach. I hope the weather gets better soon. It'll make such a difference.