To wish I'd never returned to my home country? Warning: long

[WednesdayPlums]

I have name-changed for this as I think it might make me fairly identifiable.

My family and I lived in the UK until earlier this year when we moved to my country. I had lived there (the UK) for 13 years, DH is from there and DS and DD were born there. They're now 2 and 1 respectively.

I had always wanted to return home at some point and the catalyst came when my Dad, who's a widower, was very ill with bowel cancer in 2009. It was in the immediate aftermath of this that DH and I made the decision to 'emigrate'.

Fast forward 2 years and after selling our beloved family home and then renting for a couple of months, followed by a month staying with his parents, we were off to start life on the other side of the world.

We left behind our lovely, cosy family home which we were probably going to grow out of in a few years, but which was perfect for us with two little ones. We left behind two well-paying jobs. Specifically, I left behind a job I loved with a boss I adored, working from home, fantastic salary, which enabled me to be part of my children's day, giving them meals, putting them down for naps, suppling cuddles when needed, etc, etc.

We left behind an au pair sent from heaven who was a joy to live and work with. Who adored our children, made our lives so much easier and who our children loved in return. We didn't have grandparents in the country, but as she lived in, was able to provide baby-sitting whenever we needed it.

And we did need it. We left behind a great social life, enabled by said lovely au pair. I had made a good group of friends in my years there, and my DH had a huge, extended circle of friends, most of which have been around since school days. When we got together they all welcomed me into the fold and it felt like I'd known them all for years. He was the lynch-pin of the group, the one who went out of his way to stay in touch with everyone, to have everyone over regularly, and organised group nights out and get togethers. Our house was host to many late night, all-back-to-ours parties over the years. Life was great. We were not emigrating because we were in any way dissatisfied with our life there.

We have been here now nearly 7 months and I am miserable.

I am a SAHM Mum. DH was able to transfer his job, but not to the city we had planned to move to, which is where I know people and have good, old friends. Instead, we're in a city where we know hardly anyone. We have no support close by - my Dad is a 6-hour drive away.

I am struggling with the SAHM thing. I am just not cut out for it. I adore my children, but I find looking after them, at this age, hard. Squabbling, bickering, whinging and whining seems to be, feels like, the backdrop to my day. We go out every day, usually twice. We have activities and groups that we go to - they have plenty of stimulation, but not too much. They have plenty of opportunities to burn off energy, but also to be at home and potter around and relax, I am doing my best but it feels monotonous, mundane, routine, relentless. And in my time 'off', I get to clean the house!! Yay, the utter joys of being a mother and housewife......... DH pulls his weight, by the way, no issues there.

We have no social life any more. And even if we did, we don't have a baby-sitter or any family/friend support close by anyway.

DH's salary is several times the national average (he took his good London salary with him) but it is so expensive here. So much more so than I remember, and seemingly way more than it ever was in London. We're getting into debt just to live. Everything is expensive. DH took the car to get cleaned at the weekend - what would have been £8 in London, was 50 bloody dollars here. Plus he had to wait longer, and it took longer. This is symptomatic of everything.

There's also so much less choice here, which of course bumps the prices up. If you want something in the UK, you go online, do a search and you'll be able to find it, order it and have it on your doorstep in a day's time. And you don't have to mortgage your house to be able to pay for it.

Sorry - this is so long-winded if you've made it this far, well done. Each weekend we give each other half a day off, to go out and get away from it all, rest, relax, do something of our own choosing without two toddlers cramping our style. And this is the sad thing - the only highlight of our week is going off by ourselves. This isn't nice. It's not good for us, and it's not how our life was. We both of us, me especially as the SAHM need that break for our sanity, though. Plus we miss our friends. We're lonely. And going off to do our own thing only exacerbates this.

We paid thousands of pounds to move here and to ship all our belongings, furniture, car, and we're now getting into debt just to live. It feels like a disastrous mistake, but moving back would devastate my Dad. Everyone says it takes a good two years to settle in to a new city, but I still don't see how our life will be like it was in London.

I will look for a job next year, I will have to if we're not to get further and further into debt, but it depresses me to know that I won't be able to work from home as I did previously with the kids in their own home and environment every day, and I can't handle the thought of full-time nursery for my two when they're still so young.

I feel like we've made a terrible mistake and it's all my fault. DH has been amazing, but I know he misses his friends and family and our life. It feels like a drudge here, with nothing to look forward to, and no friends. And we're broke. It's crap. :(

Point taken about distance. However this IABU, so no I'm not cutting anyone slack just giving an honest opinion and this is AIBU so yes to that!

just quickly popping in again here to add a few points:
I agree with a previous poster, the cost of moving to a new country is huge, with all the settling in, house things to buy,without realising you think you are hemmoraeging (forgot how to spell that!) money and you wonder why.
I definitely agree that this will slow down.

You did have a charmed life in the uk, and having two such small children is going to be very challenging wherever you are without that level of support. There are people living in London (me too) with two small children wondering why they can't enjoy living in London, so don't feel bad about not enjoying it and it will get better as they get older.

You have probably just got to the stage where you and children have settled, this is the time to re-boot, it's definitely time to swim, not sink! Don't give up on trying to make friendships, go to every single thing you can, even church if you are remotely of any religion, join an evening class? Start a playgroup! Anything, really I'd say all you need is to meet one or two people in your predicament it's amazing what a difference a cup of coffee and a bitching session can make.

In my last posting that I hated as much as you for at least the first half I started a playgroup - literally if I saw an expat with a young child even in a supermarket I would go up to them and say - join our playgroup! I had to host about 5 weeks in a row in my house but eventually it caught on. We started with 3 or 4 of us and now I have left that place it is still running with 50+ members. In the end there were loads of women in my position in this tiny island but no one seem to want to admit it or face up to it?

On other postings I settled far quicker and loved it, but on that one I didn't, it probably took almost 2 years before I had a life I didn't mind getting up for in the morning. It was really, really hard, so psychologically tough for you and for your relationship, but it can get better.

I took St John's Wort by the way, I swear it helped.

I really hope things improve for you, I really do feel your pain!

Sorry everyone, for seemingly abandoning the thread!! My little ones have been keeping me busy the last couple of days.

Thanks to all of you for your kind thoughts snd words ((un-MN hugs)) to all of you.

sweetsantababy - yeah, it must seem difficult to understand if you don't know the country.

My home 'city' has a population of around 50,000 people. I think you can fit more than that into Wembley Stadium...?! It has a small local airport, not an international one, so you need to travel to a bigger city to fly out of the country - tedious (and expensive) if you need to fly for work regularly.

There simply aren't the job opportunities in a city that size in a country the size of NZ. This isn't the UK with a wealth of huge cities. NZ only has a population of 4.4 million people, overall, smaller than many actual cities in the UK. I will not be able to do anything like the sort of job I did in Auckland, let alone my home town. My DH took his job with him - he works for the same global company - they tend not to have outposts in small, provincial NZ cities, but rather only in one major one.

It's a 6-hour drive from Auckland to my Dad, but less than an hour's flight. There are no motor-ways outside the cities. NZ is geographically very different from the UK, to put it mildly! It's up hill (read: mountains and ranges) and down dale (read: gorges and valleys). What might take a couple of hours on flat terrain on a motorway, takes hours on single lane roads through this kind of geography.

Any yes, Kiwis are used to getting in their cars and driving much greater distances than your average Brit. It's par for the course here. My Dad has been up to visit (and, thankfully, baby-sit!) several times this year - done the sort of journey that a British person would perhaps only consider doing in their car once a year, if that.

Plus, as I said earlier in the thread, as much as my home town is lovely, it is very quiet compared with London - it would have been too great a culture shock for my DH (whose feelings I also have to consider).

But, all up, a 6-hour drive is nothing compared with the 24-hour flight it used to take.

I also did the mad-across-the-planet-dash several times when my Mum was ill, and I wasn't up for doing that again now that I have a young family. The compromise, therefore, was to move back here to a place where we could get jobs, but which, unfortnately, isn't as close to my Dad as is ideal. But life is all about compromises, right?

Anyway - hopefully that explains it a bit. Fair enough question to ask (this is AIBU!), if you don't know the country and the ways things are here. Also - thanks to those who have come on to have a bit of a pop at the country - you've made me feel a bit defensive of it.

Count me in for a meet-up, you all sound lovely, so am definitely keen! Please feel free to PM me, also happy to take it to FB if that makes it easier? Can provide details in PM.

wednesday what a graceful reply, hats off to you.

Hi OP,
I am also an ex-expat who moved back home (6 years ago), after 10 years away. I also moved from a 'busy, happening area', both socially & work-wise, to some place MUCH MUCH less so. My kids were 1 & 3 at the time, so very similar to you. But I luckily transferred with my company - which also brought its challenges. I had ~10 business trips (of at least 5 days each) within first year, while my LO was only 1. My poor DH! We also had nobody close by to help us.

First year was very tough. Talking to other friends who also moved back from living away, it seems first year is really tough for most of us. But the good news is that it does get much better after first 12-18 months.
As your children become older, you get more freedom, and opportunity to be social. You also settle in more.

For me, 2 years after the move, I was happy we made the move. And 6 years after the move, it was totally the right thing to do.
But that first year was tough!

So hang on in there. It WILL get better.

justabout if it helps, I moved back to NZ from the UK two years ago and am enjoying it. There is lots I miss about London, but those things are no greater than the things I missed about NZ when I was in London. I am lucky though as had a lot of my London friends move to NZ as well.

What were the reasons you moved back the first place? I think you have two options - accept that you made a mistake and go home now or give yourself a time limit and a to do list.

The time limit part - expect it to take two years to feel completely settled, although you wil actually notice month by month that you are more intergrated into the new community.

The to do list part - brain storm/research different ideas for intergrating and do the ones at the top of the list.

You will look back in a couple of years and be really glad you have made the move I'm sure. But if you really do feel hand on heart that this is the wrong move - then go back. I know a couple who have done just that and we were all so pleased to have them back with us.

Sometimes, it OK to say, "Yes we've spent a lot of money, but we've made a decision that makes us miserable so let's change it."

We have NZ friends who moved from Europe to be closer to family but moved to Singapore (shorter flight, but better job prospects and standard of living). Is that or HK an option for you?

Failing that, start planning your move back to London. Your dad wouldn't want you to be miserable for his benefit would he?

You poor thing I have no experiance of this but really feel for you x

WednesdayP - how are things going this week?

Hey littlest - thanks for asking after me!

I'm fine, was doing my own head in with all the negativeness and misery, so really trying to look on the bright side. But oh my God, this weather...!!!!

It feels like it has been grey for so long - November and now December as well?! I know's there's been a couple of lovely days, but they've been the exceptions. The forecast is so depressing - rain, rain, rain for the rest of the entire week and weekend. Meant to be the kids' Christmas party on the beach this Thurs, but it's going to be rained off. We were promised stabilising weather in Dec - well, it sure has stabilised - unrelenting grey rain!!

But yeah, as I say, I'm boring myself with all this whinging, so I'm trying not to do it. It's just crap being stuck inside with two toddlers. And I am just bloody ready for summer to fecking arrive already!!

This weather is absolutely shite. I have a wee list of places I do with DD when it is wet:

Kelly Tarlton- great for littlies as they can run about safely. We have a season pass which is great as we can go a lot and DD loves the snowcat ride.

The museum- free if you have proof of being an Aucklander. Also good for letting wee ones run safely.

Mitre10 - our local one has a playground next to the cafe. DD likes to go round with the little trolleys.

Have you been to the Parenting Place in Greenlane? It has a play area for kids and a coffee shop.

There is also a facebook group called things to do in auckland with toddlers. worth checking out.

Wednesday - cheer yourself up by looking at the UK weather forecast. Gales and strong winds in the South-East tonight.
I'm sure I'm only surviving this year because we went to Florida in the summer.

Wednesday I strongly suspect that over the next few months you'll settle, it takes time. Your life is going to be different and you're going to miss some things, but settling is all about replacing the things you miss with new and different things.

I haven't moved across the globe, or even across the country as an adult. But my homeland is at the other end of the country and although it was over 20 years ago that I moved, of course there are and will always be things I miss. You will always miss your old life. But, hopefully you'll build your new life so big and brilliant that one day, if given the chance to return to the UK, you may find you don't want to.

If you can't settle, you can retutn to the UK. Nothing has to be forever.

I wouldn't move from where I am now, despite hating it for a long time, despite missing my 'homeland'.

I reckon you'll have to do things differently, want your car cleaned? Don't pay 50 dollars, get some buckets of soapy water and turn it into a sanity saving SAHM activity withthe children. The car gets clean, you've saved cash and you've killed a few fun hours with the children. You just have to think a little differently now.

And make time for you AND your DH to do some things together, we all need a break of course (I'm a SAHM and know how crucial they are too) but get out there, meet neighbours, make friends. Enjoy your summer!

The weather doesn't sound much more depressing that UK weather to be honest. Crappy weather is crap everywhere huh?

I think the weather takes on more significance in these circumstances, so much of the life outdoors, etc.

As I posted earlier, this year we're heading for a mild El Nina event, i.e. warmish, wet weather, just like the shite summer we had in Melbourne last year, and it's certainly shaping up that way. Lovely for the garden after the years of drought, but it'd be nice to sit out in the yard of a evening.

Some great suggestions littlest, thanks.

As for cleaning the car, believe me it's the first and last time we'll be doing it that way. Was just an example of something that's so much more expensive here. We did it unthinkingly, but well and truly learnt our lesson.

aldi - at least it's winter in the UK, you'd expect crap weather! It's like we're here, it's summer, at least let the weather be good - this is supposed to be one of the plus points, and it's bloody awful! You forgive shite summers in the UK because nobody expects it to be anything but a washout and it isn't a reason anyone lives there anyway, IYKWIM.

As DH said, it feels a bit like we're in negative equity now - even the weather is as bad as the UK!

Anyway... at least our veggies are getting a good watering.

This weather has got my wondering what the hell ANY of us are doing here! It is so, so crap!

WHEN will the rain end?

The weather today me think of you OP - though it isn't raining here even I think it's a bit cold and gray and I normally find the humidity awful. Also the power is fluctuating, it might be time for us all to leave :)

If I didn't know better, I'd think someone was taking the piss.

Seriously - how long can this grey, drizzly, breezy, cool weather actually last?!? It's December FFS!

I don't know why I do it to myself, but each day I check the 10-day forecast, and every day the 'new' 10th day has another little grey cloud + rain icon. A 10-day string of little grey clouds. De-press-ing.

The power outage didn't reach us - is it all back to normal now?

WednesdayPlums, December is usually very unstable. Summer will be more "summery" in January, and especially in February, which is the equivalent of August on the Northern hemisphere. I promise you it will get better :)

Raining here in Christchurch too, although yesterday we had a lovely day!